With my stilettos ...

ice cream

2009-08-19T06:02:00.004-05:00

July 12th, 2009
I admit, right now, I have an ice cream fetish. It's the love of my life right now. I love ice cream. There I said it. I admit it. I love ice cream. Can we move along now?
So, on this Sunday eve around 6:00, I am wistfully thinking of ice cream. I should not be doing this for I need to be working on home work. It's just hard to focus.
I think ... ice cream. Mr Stunnin. Ice cream. Mr Stunnin. ICE CREAM. MR STUNNIN. ICE CREAM! Hey! That's a good combo.
I call him. I ask what he is doing. He is at work. I tell him to leave. I want to go get ice cream. I would like for him to come with me.
He is game. Mr Stunnin picks me up at my house and we hit Dairy Queen. I get a chocolate Butterfinger Blizzard. He gets ... something ... I don't know. It was a chocolate blizzard too, but I don't recall. I was a tad into my own blizzard to pay attention to his.
After eating ice cream we sit and chat. I tell him I do not want to go back to "school" and he does not want to go back to work.
He suggests we go on a walk in the Dairy Queen neighborhood. It's a fantastic idea! Dairy Queen sits on the corner of this quaint neighborhood. We take off down the old tree lined street. The weather is nice, low 80s, sunny and there is a slight breeze. While walking I reach out to hold his hand.
We are swinging hands, like a new couple, which we are. We keep looking at each other and smile. Almost shy smiles. Flirty smiles.
We talk about our childhood. Where we grew up. Our crazy kid adventures. We point our scars on our bodies where we were hurt and share the stories behind it. We talk about our childhood friends. The conversation stays in our childhood. We were kids again.
The walk was about 30 minutes. He drives me back home and he gets out to kiss me goodbye. The kiss lasts longer than it should. Lots of deep breaths. Lots of not want to let go. But we have to.
I go inside the house and sit at the kitchen table to start my quizzes. I notice ... I notice I smell him on me. AGAIN.
It just lingers.
I send him a chat:

8:13 PM Nikki: I can smell you on me

8:25 PM Mr Stunnin: I'm going to take that as a compliment... I cannot get enough of you. :-o

Nikki: so you are saying you can't get enough of me?

8:27 PM

Mr Stunnin: That is exactly what I am attempting to say.

Nikki: it's my Pisces / witch in training magic

8:28 PM Mr Stunnin: So... are there any herbs I get to protect myself? Wait! Why am I asking the person, uh witch, who's working her magic on me?

8:29 PM Nikki: no herbs or pills. sorry.

you are screwed

8:31 PM Mr Stunnin: Damn it!!! Oh well, if I'm screwed then I'm bring you down with me. Consider yourself to be equally screwed.

Nikki: hehe

8:32 PM NO NEVER!!!!

Mr Stunnin: You just wait, screamer! You're so... totally going to be screwed!

8:33 PM Nikki: HA!

8:36 PM Mr Stunnin: I have to say, too, that you do have an odd effect on my penmanship. Usually, it's kinda more chicken scratch-esk, and I've noticed that after spending time with you it's more flow-ish/flowery/loopy-esk. Holy Crap, you really are a witch! Cool!

8:37 PM Nikki: YOU crack me up

9:24 PM Nikki: time to take the unit exam

9:25 PM Mr Stunnin: and she's off, a little slow around the corner, but she's a strong finisher folks ...

9:52 PM Nikki: I missed 4

9:53 PM 1 for misspelling, left off an "r" so she should mark that as correct. so missed 3.

9:54 PM Mr Stunnin: Out of how many?

9:55 PM Nikki: 53

Mr Stunnin: That's an A!

9:56 PM Good goin' grasshopper.

9:59 PM Nikki: thanks

10:02 PM ok ok ok. I am going to get ready for the final exam

10:03 PM Mr Stunnin: Anything you need from your private cheer leading section?

Nikki: nope, I am good

Mr Stunnin: I really only know, 'hustle, hustle.. use your muscle... go bears go!'

Nikki: . You are SILLY! Hey, my mom just came over and I am wearing a shirt & panties

Nikki: and I say "how do you like how I am dressed?"

Mr Stunnin: hahaa

10:05 PM Nikki: and she goes "Nikki, for as long as I have known you, you have always preferred to be as close to naked if not naked, as possible" then she tells me a story (which I have heard many of times) about how I would take all my clothes off when I was little and sleep.

10:07 PM Mr Stunnin: The more I know the more I like you.. I just can't put my finger on why that is... It's a mystery.

Nikki: ;)

10:08 PM you better like me for more than my tendency to be naked

Mr Stunnin: You have no idea!

10:09 PM Your natural curiosities are seriously cool.

10:14 PM Mr Stunnin: I do have to say that I look forward to chatting and talking to you, naked or not. There's a lot more going on in here than just that you look good naked. And, you can find a lot more about that after you finish summer school.

10:15 PM Good Luck Grasshopper!

He's cool. Yes?

getting to know you

2009-08-18T06:59:00.002-05:00

July 10th, 2009
We chat with GMail. It is all day from when he gets in at 9:30 until I leave work at 5:00. I mean, we do work but we chat.
We flirt.
We reminisce about last night.
We both get hot and bothered.
I tell him "I almost took a ride on your disco stick!"
For some reason Lady Gaga stands out in both our minds.
Then I remember ... I do not know HIM!!! Not like I normally know a man at this point! What am I doing?? I decide to ask him some questions. I call upon Melissa B and Amy to help me with some questions ... getting to you know questions.
We talk about our dream houses.
We talk about our ideal family size.
We talk about our ideal place to live.
We talk about our dreams.
We talk about places we have visited.
It was a fun, flirty, getting to know you kind of day. I have respect for him. I trust him. I think we are on the same path and almost identical with our ideal lives.
I look forward to seeing where this goes.

I wanna take a ride on your ...

2009-08-17T06:19:00.004-05:00

July 9th, 2009 - July 10th, 2009
As stated in the last entry, the first thing out of my mouth was "We are not having sex tonight."
He laughs. He agrees. He said that was not his intention.
My palms start to sweat again.
I show him the house. He likes where the "magic happens".
We go back to the living room. We sit on the couch. We get up and stand in the kitchen. We go back to the living room. We stand. We sit. We stand.
It's all nerve racking! What the hell?!?! I feel so under dressed! I feel un-pretty. I feel nervous. I really want a make out session.
An hour later we are sitting on the couch again. During the last hour we had nervous conversation. He has not tried anything. But damn, I guess I need to be the one to start.
"There is something I like to do. I like to sit on my man. Really it is straddling. Facing him." It is very true. I love to do that. For foreplay. For serious conversations. For fun. I just like to do it.
Mr Stunnin smiles and tell me to go for it.
I do. He is sitting on the couch. I swing my leg over and straddle him. We are facing each other. I smell him. Oh my gosh he smells so good. So manly. So sexy. We look at each other. I take my glasses off. THIS girl can not make out with glasses on.
We smile and I go in for the kiss.
It's slow.
It's start and stop.
It becomes awkward.
It does not feel right.
I don't like it.
We stop. I say "This will get better. We are nervous."
He agrees.
I touch his body. My hands go under his shirt. "My God you are hot! Not like Paris Hilton hot, but like fever hot!"
He is laughing.
"That sounds bad. You are Paris Hilton hot too! But I meant you are HOT, like fever hot." Oh my, there goes my mouth! I tell you what, some things that come out are not meant to be said! I am embarrassed.
Mr Stunnin says "You ARE Paris Hilton hot!"
"Thanks."
I lean in for a kiss and it gets all awkward again. It's not the right rhythm or something. It's just off. I don't like it. Oh my, if this is what sex is going to be like, I am not going there. It would SUCK!
I am still leaning in but move towards his neck. I give him butterfly kisses on his neck and say "I like aggression. I like to be dominated. I like for the man to take control." While saying that I think, 'this pansy ass shit AIN'T cutting it!'.
Mr Stunnin goes, "I don't know how far to take it. I don't want to scare you. I don't want to freak you out." His hands FINALLY touch my body.
Electricity is flying.
I look into his eyes. "Just take it. If I tell you to stop. STOP. Otherwise, just TAKE IT."
We stare at each other for a moment.
He takes my tank top off. He is watching my face to see if this is OK. He wants it but I can tell he is afraid to take it like I told him to. With the shirt off we both realize, hot damn, I am not wearing a bra! After 5-10 minutes of a heated, steaming, aggressive make out session he stands up.
HE STANDS UP!
My legs wrap around him. Remember, I was sitting on him.
He carries me down the hall to where the magic happens. SCORE!
I remind him. "We are not having sex tonight."
"I am well aware of this. Let me know if I am going too far." Mr Stunning sounds husky when he says this.
He places me softly on the bed. We make out a bit more. It feels right. It feels good. This is what I am talking about!!! WHOOOO HOOOOOO! He sits up and pulls my boxers off. Real quick like.
I am naked. I don't care. He is still dressed. I tell him to take off his shirt. He does.
Magic happened.
There was no sex.
He worshiped my body.
I am a lucky lady sometimes. After 2 hours of bliss I tell him I need to get some sleep. I walk him to the door, naked. He keeps smiling. He tells me often that I am a beautiful sight to look at. He can get used to it. He appreciates that I am comfortable naked. "Do you know what you are doing to me?!"
"Yes" I said. I smile. We kiss softly goodbye.
He leaves. I take a deep breath. I can smell him on me. I go to the bedroom to go to sleep. I close my eyes and breath his scent in over and over until I fall asleep.

isn't natural best?

2009-08-14T06:16:00.001-05:00

July 9th, 2009

An hour before lunch I send a chat. I tell him I am thinking I want him to great me in a certain "special" way. Something special in the kiss department. He is interested and says he will see what he can come up with in the kiss department.

I have butterflies. My toes curl. This is BEFORE the kiss.

I am sitting down waiting for him to enter the restaurant. For some reason I beat him this time.

He enters and spots me right away.

My hands start to sweat. CRAP. He makes me nervous! Ah CRAP! I made myself nervous! I told him to kiss me with a greeting.

I wipe my palms on my pants. I swallow. I smile. He comes over and sits next to me. My heart starts to pound. I'm still wiping my palms. He leans in to kiss me and I think 'this is wrong' and I am so DAMN nervous!!! I know the kiss was good but we were sitting next to each other in the restaurant and it felt off. It did not flow. There was too much pressure. Way to go Nikki.

Moment = ruined.

He stands up to sit across from me and I immediately relax. Then he leans down and plants a quick one on me. THAT one I liked.

What the heck?!

My butterflies were gone. My palms were dry. My heart beat goes to normal.

I'm calm again. We talk. We laugh. We share stories. We talk about family. We have ME TOO moments. We get to know each other a little more. It was a fabulous lunch.

It's time to leave for I have exactly one hour for lunch.

I think about him all afternoon.

I do not see him online. I sent him a quick email before 5:00. The title is "I need a break!" and the email says "I have a confession to make. A little secret if you will. I really look forward to our first make out session."

I giggle. I wonder what he will think.

I leave work. I go to the gym. I work out big time.

I take a shower and get online. It's time for school.

He had sent an email and he is online. He told me in his email I made his pants hard to wear. HA!

I send a chat, tell him my school schedule, for you know, reasons. He wants to know the reasons. I tell him if I get done with my school work, I can have a break. He gets very excited. He is at work and between assignments I chat with him. I keep him posted. 3 out of 6 done. 4 out of 6 done. 5 out of 6 done. 6 out of 6 done.

11:13 PM Nikki: sooooo

11:14 PM Mr Stunnin: hmm???

11:17 PM I, very much, would like to see you tonight. If only walk your halls and see what tastes you have and what pictures you hang... and, maybe to kiss you, too. You know, only if you're a really nice girl though, a guy's gotta have standards. :)

Nikki: haha

standards?

11:18 PM what standards?

my house is a mess

I have not cleaned in a month

Mr Stunnin: haha

Nikki: I am not kidding

I have picked up

but it is not up to par ... my par

11:19 PM and I am wearing my glasses

no make up on

Mr Stunnin: Oooo.. really! I could see you with your glasses! Cool!

Nikki: no hair "did"

Mr Stunnin: Where did you put your hair?

Nikki: it's hanging up

11:20 PM Mr Stunnin: What, in the closet?

Nikki: bathroom

behind the door

2nd peg down

Mr Stunnin: Your hair is hanging behind the bathroom door?

Nikki: yep

Mr Stunnin: I'm confused.

Nikki: I am kidding!!!

11:21 PM Mr Stunnin: HEY!!!

Nikki: LMAO

Mr Stunnin: It is MY job to tease you... don't go gettin' any ideas girly!

Nikki: I'll try not to get any ideas

can't promise

Mr Stunnin: uh... huh...

11:22 PM Nikki: so ....

I need a game plan

Mr Stunnin: k... I'm game.

11:23 PM What can I do coach?

Nikki: ring

I call him. I give him my address. I warn him. I am in a tank top, boxers, glasses on, no make up and my hair dried naturally.

That says a lot for I have very curly hair.

I stand at the door and wait. I start to get excited. I run to the hall way to go to my bedroom to straighten up ... why? what for? My heart starts beating again. Hard. Loudly. I start breathing heavier. I walk down to the bedroom and stare in my room. I turn and walk into the bathroom. I have an urge to put make up on. I have an urge to fix my hair. I have an urge to look "pretty". I start to panic.

I hear his car.

I run to the front door. I HAVEN'T FIXED ANYTHING!!! HE GOT HERE TO FAST. IT WAS LIKE FIVE MINUTES. OH MY GAWD!!!!! He gets out of the car.

He smiles.

I let him in the house and first thing out of my mouth is "We are not having sex tonight."

outside the box

2009-08-13T06:31:00.005-05:00

July 8th, 2009

We are again back to no communication. We have had 2 phone calls. 3 dates. A handful of chats. Otherwise, nuttin! Nuttin at all! It's been a month! Insane.

I think about him off and on. We have a lot of fun when we are together. We play. I am calm with him. I have that peace I need. I also have the insane desire to jump him! He is kind of a combo of Mr P and Mr Big Man. The passion with Mr P and the peace with Mr Big Man. Plus he is hot!!!!

Yet I feel I still know nothing about him.

Everything I have done with other men I have not done with him.

I usually have this whole "screening" process. I ask certain questions. I have a certain amount of phone calls. I send so many emails ... but nope, that has not happened.

I initiated our kisses ... that COULD be normal in a relationship but not the norm before the relationship. Everything is off kilter ... he took my comfort zone from me.

And I let him.

And I am only a little freaked out.

We chat briefly tonight with Gmail chat. I am "in school" - I'm taking online classes - and while I am in school he is at work - the evil blue empire.

I tease him that he works as hard as I do. He says he is working hard so he can be free when I am done with school. He works an average of 50 hours a week usually but he's killing it with about 75 hours now.

We see each other tomorrow again. Our 4th date and it will be during lunch again. One week from our last date.

I am very eager and I am very much looking forward to it.

he has a crush on me

2009-08-12T10:00:00.006-05:00

July 2nd, 2009
Third date. Lunch date.
We have not talked since the 'ring' phone call. No chats. The 'ring' phone call was to figure out where we are meeting for lunch.
Mr Stunnin and I meet at a FANCY french restaurant. We laugh, giggle, just have a grand time. We talk about my studies, gym, friends, where we have lived and some hobbies we enjoy.
After 30 minutes or so I realized I really like this guy. I have no idea who he is but I like him. I'm going to make a move to further or stop the relationship (I have no time to date, remember ... damn school).
I decided to hit him with a hard topic but one that is important. Money. I want to talk about money. I start with what I think, how I spend, how I struggled to get out of credit card debt and I am there now, how I plan on not getting back into debt ... it was a complete money talk. I then asked his opinion.
He agreed with me. He may be a little more conservative than I am but all in all we agree! It was a hearty, healthy talk and again we had a lot of Me TOO moments! Afterwards we sat and smiled at each other.
I did find out with his new job he had a significant wage increase over his last job. Due to this he was able to apply a lot of money to paying off his student loans. He has 3 degrees. He said by Spring everything will be paid off. I can't imagine what 3 degrees cost but I know it's a pretty penny!
It was time for me to get back to work. We walked to the car. I am looking at Mr Stunnin. My face turned up. I had a smile on my face. It was sunny and there was a small breeze. I remember this for my hair blew over my mouth. He brushed the hair away and leaned in to kiss me.
Once again it was perfection. I don't have to teach him to kiss "my way". I don't have complaints about how his lips feel. It was perfect. I leaned into him a little and he grabbed me so our bodies were pressed together. Wow. His body. His BODY. His FREAKIN body! Think about pressing your body against a living statue of David. Swoon! The kiss lasted for a bit. A bit longer than it should. I do not recall who pulled away first.
I know we smiled at each other. I told him to have a safe trip. He was going back home for the holiday weekend. He told me to have a safe trip, I was taking my daughter to the Ozarks for the weekend.
Back at work I update my Gmail status to "I am made of awesome".
When he gets back to work he updates his status to "She IS made of awesome".
I send him a chat:

2:29 PM Nikki: I am made of awesome

never doubt that

2:30 PM Mr Stunnin: I'm bringing a spoon next time.

Nikki: haha! What do you mean?

2:32 PM Shawn: Well... I've noticed that you're also sweet, so I was thinking that I might spoon up some of that sweet awesomeness... could be good :)

2:33 PM Nikki: I have a secret

my mind went to a dirty place there

Mr Stunnin: {gasp!} No!

2:34 PM Nikki: NO!

no it didn't

never ... nope ... never .... ever ... maybe ... sometimes ... often?

2:35 PM Mr Stunnin: mmm... I'm thinkin' correct answer is 'often'. Yep!

2:36 PM Nikki: {shrugs shoulders & looks innocent}

I don't know what you are talking about.

2:39 PM Mr Stunnin: ooo... you're a dangerous cookie, too! Doing the 'innocent, sweet girl' all to very well. I'm gonna have to keep an eye on you. ;)

2:40 PM Nikki: k

you do that

At 3:00 he tells me he has to leave to catch his flight.
Two hours later I send him an e-card from someecards.com and it says "You have a crush on me." I then add "Am I right or am I RIIIIIIIIIIIGHT? Pray tell. Nikki."
He then sends a postcard 2 hours later via his iPhone and it says, "I'll admit nothing!!! OK, OK, maybe I'll admit that it is rare to have someone so indelibly inked upon my mind is such wildly vivid chronomagical colors. mmmmm. Have a wonderful trip. Mr Stunnin."

give me a ring

2009-08-11T07:08:00.000-05:00

July 1st,
I call him in the evening and I get his voice mail.
I say "Hey! Give me a ring." I then giggle (who the hell knows why!). Then I say "Oh! This is Nikki!" Giggle some more.
Mr Stunnin calls me back. "What does your voice mail mean?"
"What are you talking about? I asked you to call me back." I am confused.
With laughter in his voice he says "No. You asked for a ring then giggled. What kind of ring are you talking about? Why would you say 'give me a ring' ... and then clarify who you are ... what kind of ring do I need to give you?"
Click. I got it! He thought I meant, give me a ring around my finger, not give me a call back. OK, he is a silly fool! My mind was not going there! Hasn't he ever heard of give me a ring? I guess people say "give me a ring BACK", but still!!! Come on! His mind went there! This does make me laugh. I tell him what I meant but to answer his other question, "the ring that you shall give me will be a princess cut. Remember that! Do not ever forget. PRINCESS CUT!"
That makes him laugh out loud.
He tells me I rock.
I tell him I know. With a princess cut.
That makes him laugh harder. He says he will try to find a princess cut from the gum ball machine.

keeping blog secrets

2009-08-10T08:34:00.005-05:00

June 30th, 2009
We ignore each other again.
So the 2nd date was Thursday June 25th. Our next communication is Monday June 29th.
He updates his status in chat to "Nikki is awesome-er" late in the day.
I reply: thanks for saying I am awesome-er. I will not argue.
The conversation goes from there. Flirting back and forth again. I have a date that night with the gym. I tell him not to go; which is a lie for I want him to go ... us women are so confusing. I do not recall if I told you this but we belong to the same gym.
Anyways, he can't go. He is working long hours at work. I tell him I will "see" him online when I am at school. He likes that plan.
After working out and cleaning up I start school. At 12:17AM I notice he is still online. I am done with my assignments for the night. I send a quick chat asking him if I can call him. He says yes.
We have our first phone call!
We talk about religion, why neither one of us have been married (recall my Mr Right and Mr Right now speech), what we want from a partner, how sex clouds things and about love. LOVE! Anyways, he said something that really stood out. I told him my Mr Right and Mr Right Now and he says, "this is what I need. I need 'You. Me. Yes. Forever.' Once I think that then I know she is the one I will ask to marry."
Ahhh. It's kind of cave man like! Enter dream sequence { "YOU" he yells and slams down his club in front of me. "ME" he bangs his chest. "YES" he pulls me by my arm (in a loving way!) to the ceremony. "FOREVER" he bellows in my face with a smile. }
OK. Hmm. Dream sequence not so dreamy.
But whatever. I liked it! I really liked it for that is what I believe too! You, me, yes, forever! It was perfect.
We both also agree that once sex starts it's an automatic exclusive relationship.
I tell him about the blog. He wants to know the address. I said no way and then I ask why did he want to read about my past relationships? He said he would hopefully learn from it and learn more about me. I still said no. I told him how everyone had a nickname (the men do) and I never mention where I am. He gives me permission to write about him in here. For my girlfriends, please never reveal his nickname to him. I think he would be the one to Google it and find the blog! We can't have that!
The last topic is about seeing each other again. I look at my calendar and I am free on the 2nd during lunch. He is free too. We have our 3rd date scheduled.
Our phone call ends around 3:00AM and I fall asleep with a smile on my face (I might have drifted off thinking about a cave man).

would lunch dates work?

2009-08-06T07:37:00.001-05:00

June 25th, 2009

I came up with a schedule with school. This does not look good. I can not date. I have no time to date. Let's see ... school or dating. School or dating? SCHOOL or dating. I hope it is obvious but I need to stick with school.
At the 2nd date I need to tell him I can not see him again until school is over. I have about a month left for the Summer Session.
Sigh.
After our day of flirty chats I am very eager to see him.
I have gym first. I run home to take a shower. Yes, I am dancing in there again!
Shower. CHECK. Make up. CHECK. Hair. WET BUT CHECK. Dressed. CHECK.
We meet at my favorite Italian restaurant. So far, every man but Mr P has taken me there. I always suggest it. They always like it. I know I do!
Once again it is so easy. We laugh. A lot. We have more ME TOO moments. It was FUN. But I needed to spill the beans on school ...
I tell him "Mr Stunnin, you know I am in school. I took on more than I can handle and I need to prioritize my life right now. I will not be able to date until school is over. I know I can't really ask you to wait but I can not mess up school. I do want to see you again. If you are available when school is over, which is about 4 weeks, can we pick back up?"
He asks "Do you eat lunch during the day?"
"Yes" I say and giggle a little. DUH!
"Why don't we do lunch dates? That way we can still see each other without stopping." He is looking at me intently.
I think about this. That is a really good idea. It also shows he really wants to see me. I have been studying 3 out of 5 lunches. I can get him in once a week. At least. I start nodding. "Ok, we can do that!"
We both smile.
It's time to leave. I have approximately 4 more hours of homework in front of me. I mention that to him. In the shopping center where the Italian restaurant is, they have a coffee shop. He suggests we walk there and get a cup of coffee. This man is after my heart! Can you tell?!
We stroll over there. Order our coffee. Laugh and flirt some more. We make it back to my car.
I like this man.
I don't know if he is going to go for the kiss. I want the kiss.
I pull him to me and give him the kiss.
It's slow. It's sweet. It's perfect. I open my eyes and look at him. I swallow. We are staring at each other.
I.want.him.
I turn around and leave. I head home and try not to think about him as I study.

status updates

2009-08-05T08:10:00.010-05:00

June 21-25th, 2009

We chat online after the first date. It is not much. We have one phone call.
I am logged into GMail at work. Gmail has this thing where you can change you status to be whatever you want it to be. Work? Check. Lunch. Check. I'm eating a donut. Check. You know, just whatever you want your friends to know, you update your status to that. Like Facebook.
Alright, so, I'm at work listening to the radio and Lady Gaga comes back on. This time it is Love Game. ♫ Let's have some fun this beat is sick / I wanna take a ride on your disco stick / Let's have some fun this beat is sick / I wanna take a ride on your disco stick /Hey! / I wanna kiss you ♫
I update my status to : I wanna take a ride on your disco stick
He updates his status to : pogo stick is taking tickets for rides
Here is a snippet of our chat:

Me: Ohhh snap!
Him: To where am I to take the 'pogo stick' metaphor oh church-girly :)? No wait! Disco Stick?
Me: No comment! I plead the 5th.
Him: crap. Freakin Lola
I find this very funny. I can't tell him I want to ride his disco stick! Not yet at least! Later this day we play with our statuses. Both of us are putting up different lyrics to Lady Gaga. We hit one song or another. All with very sexual tones.
Oh! I did make fun of him for knowing who Lady Gaga was. Also for knowing the lyrics.
I update to : I am bluffin with my muffin
He updates to : I'm stunnin with my love glue gunnin
Hence, his nick name is Mr Stunnin.
This is the beginning of our chats. Long chats. Flirty chats. Playful chats. 6 hour long chats.
It is distracting. It is naughty. It is foreplay.
Our 2nd date is tonight.

poker face

2009-08-04T08:26:00.004-05:00

June 20th, 2009
I wake up late. School is kicking my butt and I have been up late every night. I hurry to the gym and run. I go a full 30 minutes but skip the weights. I have no time for that.
I make it back home and I have 30 minutes before I need to be at the date. I open my laptop so I can dance in my shower. While I am waiting for pandora.com to open I see he is online.
I send a quick message "back from the gym. I'm hitting the showers". I giggle a little as I sent that. What man will NOT think of a naked woman?
I can be bad and that feels so good!
Oh wait. I don't know this person. I was bad and it does not feel so good.
Hmmmm.
Moving along, I see him type a message and after he hits enter it says "just finished a run myself this morning. I will see you there!"
My music comes up and I dance to Lady GaGa. ♫ Poker Face ♫
Shower. CHECK. Make up. CHECK. Hair. WET BUT CHECK. Dressed. CHECK.
Out the door I go.
We meet at the restaurant. He has an awesome body. OHHHH my WORD! NICE. You go Nikki!
We walk to the Farmers Market. Hey, it does not suck this year! There are more vendors. Lots of people. This was a good idea for a date. The conversation flows. I do not remember what we talked about but it easy. It was calm. I was attracted to him. Hey - remember me being bad earlier ... good girl Nikki! That was the way to go.
I see a friend at the Farmers Market. It's Jenni! She meets Mr Stunnin. We head back to the restaurant. We order breakfast. We have laughter. We have ME TOO moments.
I talk with my hands. A lot. I should have been born Italian. His eyes kept following my hands. I told him to stop for he would get whip lash. He liked that.
While there I see another friend. Megan. Megan comes over and realizes I am on a date. OOPSIE I can see written on her face but she stays. Megan wants the scoop! The 3 of us chat about drama of all things! Female drama that we see with another group.
Oh my. What does he think of me now? Whatever ... it's true. I am not a part of the drama but I like to watch it like a soap. If he doesn't understand or accept then he is not my man.
Three hours later I notice the time. CRAP! I need to get back to homework.
I tell him I need to go and why. I stay another 20 minutes just talking about school.
We walk outside, I wonder about a kiss but it is raining. I am wearing a white shirt. It's not a good idea to stay. I give him a hug. I feel his hard body against my body. I feel we fit. He is 5'11. The hug lasted longer than it should but it was right. I said we will talk later and I run to my car.
Starting the car the radio plays Lady Gaga. Must be a theme here. Before him and after him. Same song. She sings ♫ I wanna roll with him what a hard pair we will be / A little gambling is fun when you're with me, I love it / Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun / And baby when it's love if it's not rough it isn't fun ♫.
Damn does that fit.
I want another date.
I need to get organized with school. Get a schedule and see where I can fit him in.
He will be one that is fun to play with.

luka not lola

2009-08-03T08:11:00.007-05:00

June 19th, 2009

The day before the date we exchange emails. Real ones where we try to learn more about each other. Here are some goodies:

I told him he worked for the Evil Blue Empire and he says:
Mwaahaahaa… I'm sorry, there's a new memo out at the evil blue empire requiring the intro to any outgoing email to include, as they say, 'an evil laughter, or its equivalent effect…' There was the usual idea requiring everyone to give the 'evil eye' to all new comers, which everyone knows is only ever supported by 'Old Man Jeb the Janitor' (actually, he's a really nice guy), but it's painfully difficult to enforce. Plus, no one can ever agree on which eye to use. You know, the evil blue empire didn't just arrive at this level of evil… it's a team effort. Go Team!

On what we are going to do on the date and of course, 5 more random things:

Mmm… game plan. I'd like to meet at (restaurant name removed), then go to the Farmer's Market, then eat. I'm flexible though, mostly I'm just planning to keep you on your toes all morning.

Five Random Things:

1. I'm growing a tomato plant (black krim) in one of those topsy turvy planters. It's far heavier than I thought it was going to be, and the wrought iron hanger it on is beginning to have a noticeable downward bend to it. Gonna have to replace or fix that.

2. My sign is Sagittarius. And, I hold zero stock in that, to which I've been told only proves my Sagittarius traits, to which I reply harrumph.

3. I have one brother and one sister, older sister, younger brother.

4. I live on the second floor, but not with Lola.

5. Turtles can breath through their butts… or so I've heard.

6. I drive a 2007 Subaru Forester, creamish in color, might be useful knowledge

So I replied:

Sounds like a plan. Trying to keep me on my toes and all on the first date.
Regarding Lola. I think her name is Luka. As in "My name is Luka. I live on the 2nd floor. I live upstairs from you. Yes I think you've seen me before." That Luka?? I am glad you do not live with her for her ass was beat. :(
To FUNNY on #5. GOOD to know. Good to know.
I hope to be accepted into an Allied Health program. My goal at this time is to be a sonogram technician. We shall see.
5 random things:
I am drinking iced tea right now. I really want ice cream.
I was locked IN my office last night. It was really funny. The door nob broke so it would not turn to open. The really bad news? I had to go potty.
I live in a house. It's just one floor.
I hope it storms tonight.
I dance in the shower. Well, not in the mornings.
I pandora.com all the time.
I did 6 (7 now) because you did six.
I just noticed you are in my chat. EEK! Damn GMail. Actually I am a GMail pimp. Pimpess? Regardless, I love GMail. I pimp it. A lot. My friend Melissa likes to make fun of me. Whatever, I just like GMail.
I have a terrible singing voice but I do not care. I love to sing. I sing everywhere. Often. Proud. My childhood dream was to be a singer. One day I was singing in the car with my dad and my sisters and that was when I knew I could not be a singer. He asked "who is singing like a dying cow?" Yes my dad said this. I was, oh, maybe 8. sniff, sniff.

So he replied:
I am so busted… You're right, it was Luka. My bad. I'll bet you a game of Hot Hands, if I win you have to sing the song to me, and if you win you have to sing the song to me. How 'bout it?
Seriously, you got locked in your office last night? That's funny, I'm still laughing at that. Did you get video? I'd like to see the video.
I had that EEK moment with GMail, too. I was all, I'm not ready yet… oh, wait.. she can't see me, everything is fine, deep breaths Mr Stunnin, deep breaths… no worries, eventually they were able to talk me down off the rafters. Actually, it was more of a 'I was not expecting that' moment, but where's the fake drama in that… 'cause, I'm all about the fake drama.
A few more random things:
You know, your shower must have a really grippy bottom or you have exceptionally good balance.
Hello, my name is Mr Stunnin, and I'm addicted to my Ipod.
I really like down hill skiing, and I'm pretty good at it.
See you tomorrow.

And the date begins in the AM.

if i'm dead he did it

2009-07-30T10:15:00.005-05:00

June 17th - June 18th, 2009
He replies back. He is available this weekend. In fact, let's go for Saturday morning. He wants to go to the Farmers Market.
Ahh, our farmers market is not exciting. At least it has not been the last few times I have gone. Rather small and boring are the nicest thing I can say about it.
I sent a chat message to my girlfriends ... should I go? Should I offer another suggestion? They all tell me to go, if it sucks then we can laugh at how much it sucks.
I email him back, Farmers Market it is. Saturday AM on June 20th. I tell him I want breakfast thrown in too.
He replies back. Breakfast will be throw in too. 9:00.
I reply back. 9:30. I need to hit the gym before the date (this is my normal Saturday AM thing, I'm not doing it for the date).
He replies back. Deal. 9:30.
I email him. What is your full name and phone number? Oh! And what is your real email address? I think we need to move past the match email system.
He replies back. I have his name, phone number and his email. Ahhh, crap! He has GMail too! This could be a good thing ... or bad. I google him. I find nothing but his Linkedin profile. He has a good job history. He works for the "Evil Blue Empire". My competition for work! HA! We are in the same industry. Verrrrrry interesting!
I forward his email to Sasha and Melissa B that gives his email address, full name and phone number. I tell them I have a date and I have never meet the guy before. If I show up missing, he did it!

it's almost a done deal

2009-07-29T10:22:00.000-05:00

June 16th, 2009
What is wrong with him I asked.
His answer?
Hmm ... faults-o-mine ... I'm a driven and ambitious man that has taken his time to do what he believed to be the right thing for those around him. And to be exceptionally vague, that has been my story.
He nailed it. That was vague! Driven and ambitious??? Wow, what a turn on!
His 5 random things:
1. I have a wide toe box.
2. I finally understand my mom's song bird fascination.
3. I built an arbor for my balcony about a month ago, which totally rocks!
4. I don't own a TV
5. Yes, I can afford a TV
Hmmmmm. Super cool about building an arbor. In fact a man that can use his hands is super sexy to me. It shows strength, skill and smarts. I like! He doesn't own a TV? What the heck is that about?
This dude is odd! He talks about his toe box. haha! Who does that?! His writing style is the best I have ever seen in the online dating game. He seems educated. He seems witty. He is funny. He goes off on tangents. My kind of man.
I wanna play his game.
I email him back and ask when he is available for dates. I question his lack of TV.
I await his response back for when he is available for our first date.

don't mock buffy!

2009-07-28T09:08:00.004-05:00

June 11th, 2009
Late in the evening after I finish my homework I check my email. He wrote back.
I smile before I opened the email. I can see his wit while I am reading his reply! He tells me he would love to meet me this weekend but he can't for his mom says he has to stay home. He was kidding of course. He was flying back home for the weekend to visit his parents and friends. He suggests we get together for some coffee and Buffy the Vampire Slayer later next week. 'Cause, that show rocked!!!
Ok now, in my profile I wrote that I LOVED Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I LOVED IT! I mean, who doesn't? If he was being sarcastic I was going to make him suffer through Buffy if he dared to mock her awesomeness. If he was being serious I would have a night of bliss. Win win on my end!
I wrote him back and told him to be safe on his trip. I also asked him what was wrong with him. He is 36, never been married, no children, athletic body, witty, has a great ass and very well educated. Maybe that is it, he must be a dork. Or is he socially inept? Does he not believe in pre-marital sex? Pish posh! Every man wants pre-marital sex! Hmmm. What is wrong with him? Where is his baggage? I'm intrigued.
I need to remember he does not want to do small talk with email or phone calls. He wants to meet the other right away to see if anything clicks. I do not know if I am game. It is kind of scary.
What are his 5 random things?

this profile is a riot!

2009-07-27T09:56:00.004-05:00

June 11th, 2009
I'm taking y'all back to the beginning.
With match, you get an email every 4-5 days with possible matches. I received an email and there is one picture that caught my eye. I click on it and it took me to his profile.
It is one of the most well written and hysterical profiles I have ever read. It's a pure ramble of thoughts that seem random but really they come together. Two key things stand out:

One - he says he does not do email or phone calls, he does face to face meetings
Two - he shoots off his favorite recipe that he wants "the one" to make for him. It gives details on how to chop, what pan to use, which brands to buy, etc

I laughed so hard and so many times my cheeks hurt. It was SUCH a riot! You can tell he likes to play and he is having fun. At the bottom it lists his dream girl requirements. He wants someone that has a degree and he wants someone with no children. Well bugger, this funny man and I do not match. I mean I am in school again but I do not have a degree and I DEFINITELY have a child. Well crap.
So what? Well, it is something he told the system he wants .... what do I do???
I send him an email that says "You have one of the funniest profiles I have ever read. I want you to know I give you a standing 'O' in this corner. Bravo! Bravo!"
While I wait for a response I check out the rest of his profile. He has been online lately and he has a great ass.
I hope he replies.

did you see that?!

2009-07-14T15:10:00.003-05:00

My socks. Are blown off.
He has knocked my socks off. They are not on my feet. They are not in they room ....
Wooosh! Did you SEE that! They are out the Gawd Damn door!
My socks are gone.
Oh my. Oh freakin my.
His name shall be Mr Stunnin.

Journal entries will resume next week. You will get it from the beginning. We are a month old at this point.

Friends ... he stuns me in every way possible.

slacker

2009-07-01T21:31:00.003-05:00

I met a man.
Working FT, being a single mom and stupidly taking too many classes has left me with no time to blog about it.
He is a tad kooky.
He is sweet.
He is calm.
He makes me smile when I think about him.
This my friends makes me happy. I do not have a nickname for him yet but I shall come up with one soon.
My posts will be rather scarce until school is out. School ends 7/24. Nikki is not over, she is just on hold. This I promise. You will get my adventures again.
Maybe another love too, who knows ...

1 down

2009-06-17T08:10:00.005-05:00

There is this boy. I call him a boy but he is really a man. I think.
He is 26. Ahhh! That sounds so young!
He is cute. No, he is a very good looking man. I would even venture and say he is hot. Very easy on the eyes.
We meet off of match and he lives in the big city an hour away. He works about 30 minutes away. However his mother lives in my town and he comes to visit her often.
We like each other. He makes me feel like a school girl. We have not gone on a date yet but we are scheduling one.
It's fitting because he is leaving in the fall to move to Michigan. Now why would that be? He is going back to school to complete his Masters.
He is smart, he has traveled, he speaks French fluently (swoon!), he loves him momma!
But he is leaving.
Awwww.
I do not have a nickname for him now.

Totally Random Tuesdays

2009-06-16T06:29:00.002-05:00

Annnnnnnnnd we are back! It's time to be done with the pitiful mess, don't cha think??
Totally Random Tuesdays.

I LOVE it when Sasha confesses her truth. Whatever the truth may be it tickles me pink!

I use to hate the color pink when I was little. I kinda like it now.

Mariah Carrey annoys me.

College is not hard. In fact so far it is a breeze. However it is kicking my ass with the time commitment.

If a guy has never been married and is older than 35 I am wary of them.

Sometimes I wish I was that woman that had sex on the first date.

Then I look at my daughter and am proud I am not.

But I still sometimes wish to be "bad" again.

I think Amy is the only friend I am still close with that REALLY knows how bad I once was.

I know many secrets. I love to learn people's secrets. I want to collect them on everyone I know! haha BUT I do not spill. I am a great secret keeper.

There is this guy in Canada on Twitter ... he offered to send me my favorite iced coffee syrup (Nescafe Iced Java mocha flavor). I turned him down but think I should do it anyways. I mean, they discontinued it in the US!!! I have to order it online. Hmmm. He IS in Canada so the likely hood of him hunting me down and killing me is very slim. What do you think???

Who are you Fort Collins, CO person? Email me at withmystilettos@gmail.com and let me know!

Ben Harper - Walk Away

2009-06-15T15:12:00.004-05:00

Such a pretty song. Such a sad song. Such a song that I will live by today.

Oh no
Here comes that sun again
That means another day
Without you my friend

And it hurts me
To look into the mirror at myself
And it hurts even more
To have to be with somebody else
And its so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away

With so many people
To love in my life
Why do I worry
About one

But you put the happy
In my ness
You put the good times
Into my fun
And its so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away
And head for the door

We've tried the goodbye
So many days
We walk in the same direction
So that we could never stray
They say if you love somebody
Than you have got to set them free
But I would rather be locked to you
Than live in this pain and misery

They say time will
Make all this go away
But its time that has taken my tomorrows
And turned them into yesterdays
And once again that rising sun
Is dropping on down
And once again you my friend
Are nowhere to be found
And its so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away
And head for the door
You just walk away
Walk away

i lie

2009-06-11T06:02:00.002-05:00

June 5th, 2009
I lie. I lie to myself and others. I am not over it. I am far, far from over it.
I am HAUNTED.
I pine for him. Pine. That was his word. It's fitting.
My sorrow is so intense. It has a death grip on me.
I miss him. Constantly. I say I am ready to be his friend but I really am not. I am not OK with him not wanting me. I am not OK with loosing my love. I am not OK with being told he made the right decision. It really feels like my soul is torn. Ripped and shredded. Unraveled. The string, that one string keeps getting longer and longer.
I lie to my friends. My friends that read my blog. My friends that don't read my blog. I lie. I'm not ashamed that I am not over it but I do not want to hear it anymore. I do not want to be told to move on. I do not want to be told I deserve something better. I do not want to be told everything will be OK. I do not want to be told it will take time to heal. I do not want to be told I will meet someone else.
My heart and soul are broken. Period.
I will continue to lie. To you. To myself. To him.
I will continue to lie until everything I do not want to be told will happen. I will continue to lie so you will not feel pity for me.
Just let me lie to you. Let me make believe. Let me pretend.
This my friend is a true diary entry. If you confront me on it be prepared for me to lie. I will wear a mask of happiness, strength, wittiness and calm. It's fake. It's all a lie.

it always comes down to the right pair

2009-06-10T06:11:00.004-05:00

Trying on shoes.

It's a girl thing, right?

We go to the right size. Our eyes zero in on a color or style. If it excites us we pick it up. Turn it around. Maybe marvel at the height of the heel or bend the toes up. If it passes the flexibility test or "will I be able to walk in this?" test we will slip one on.

Do you sit on the floor or a stool to do this? I usually stand. Sometimes it is an easy slip on. Sometimes we have to tie it or buckle it properly. Once one is on we will judge it to decide if we need to put the other one on.

Let's say it does feel good on one foot. If that is the case I HAVE to put the other one on.

Roll up the pant legs so we can see what our feet and legs look like.

Take a step. Two. Three.

Balance in the stilettos and go slow at first. Walk fast in slip-ons. Squeeze the toes together to hold the flip flops on. Walk to the mirror.

How are your calves? How are your toes? How uncomfortable is the fit? Will I be able to walk at the end of the day? If no, are they sexy enough to justify? Does it pinch the heel or the arch of your foot? How does it make you feel? Again, how are those toes?

If everything comes together we may walk around more. We may take then off, put them back in the box and take the box off the shelf. THESE ARE MINE.

But what is the cost? Will it break the bank? Will it make you go negative? Will it be a small ding? How does it make you feel?

If the value is not good, if the fit is not good, if it hurts you, does not accentuate your calves, does not make you happy, is not the right style or go with anything in your closet ... you put it back.

Put it back on the shelf.

Be on the look out for that perfect pair. You know the one I am talking about. Have you been looking for it for months or years? Have you found yours? It's the ONE. The one with the value, the right fit, does not hurt, makes you look hot, makes you smile, goes with your current life; well that ONE. The one you want to keep.
Go ahead buy it. Take it home. Show it off. It is your favorite pair.

I am shopping for THE pair of shoes right now. The shoes are the men. I have not found one to buy. Sadly, I have not found one that I want to try on ... any foot.

Totally Random Tuesdays

2009-06-09T07:38:00.004-05:00

Ok, here is the deal. I do not have much to "report" at this time. There are men I am talking to. There are men who I have gone out on dates with. Nothing too exciting. Nothing that I want to make more dates with.
I have not found Mr Awesome yet. That will totally be a nickname of someone I date!
So after browsing other blogs I have decides to steal some themes. One is Totally Random Tuesdays! I will type random things. What I am thinking, feeling, whatever ... it's all random.

So Cheers to my first Totally Random Tuesday.

My ass hurts. Big time. I worked out and did lunges. Many. Too many. My ass hurts.

I love Josh Weldon. He creates great characters & shows.

I always say "grr ... argh" with the mutant enemy monster at the end of every Josh Weldon show. Don't know what I am talking about? Google it.

I hate the view out of my front windows of my home. I love the side and back views.

I look like a hot librarian when I wear my glasses.

I love the word totally.

I signed up for Condron.us and seem to be getting a lot of hits on this blog. One person stayed for 6 hours!

Parapluie is my favorite French word to say. It means umbrella.

I dance in the shower. Doesn't everyone?

I get 1 stray hair on my chinny chin chin that I HATE. It's coarse and black. All together now, ewww. I chant "out bastard out" when I tweeze it.

When I was little I wanted to be a famous singer. That dream is still with me but I know now I can not carry a tune.

Anything more than basic math scares me. I feel paralyzed and my mind goes blank. I can not reason, think or try to problem solve.

I'm obsessed with rotating my dishes, silverware and cups.

I listen to Ryan Seacrest every workday AM and in the PM I stream pandora.com.

closure

2009-06-08T06:17:00.000-05:00

May 25th, 2009
I went out of town for the Memorial Day weekend. I had to drive by Mr Big Man's house. This is the first time I have done this since the break up.
The drive by cut all the strength I had.
I text him 'can I call you later' It really, kinda pisses me off that I have his cell phone memorized. Remember all his phone numbers are deleted from my phone. I use to have a tendency to make booty calls or drunk calls to Ex's so this is how I stopped that nasty habit. Delete, delete, delete.
He replies right back 'yes - of course. glad to know you made it home OK'
What the hell? How did he know I was out of town? Hmm, he must not know who I am. Did he delete my number too??? HAHA! That is too funny. I text him again 'do you know who I am?'
He replied right back 'yes'.
OK. He knows who I am. Still don't get the comment about me making it home OK. Maybe I told him I was going out of town for the holiday? Who knows.
An hour or so later he texts me again 'did mom and dad give you the lawn mower?' Yes, this man has NO idea who I am!
We finally get it straightened out who I am. He says we should talk the next night. We do.
He tells me what is going on. I tell him. We laugh. He is a silly man. It felt like we were back where we use to be. Playing, sharing, giggling with each other. The ease of everything. Illusions can be evil.
I get to the point. Do you miss me I ask.
He said he did but he did not pine for me. He made the right decision. He wanted to know if I regretted anything. I did not and I told him that.
I gave him permission to read my blog. He knows the address. He said he would read it. I told him he knew me at my worst. SUCKER! haha! But truly he did. I was a mess! The hormones really screwed me up.
This news, that he did not pine for me, gave me relief. I was so happy to hear that. I'm not sure why. I did not cry (shocker) and I even went to sleep with a smile on my face. My good friend Beth wanted to know if I was waiting for June 3rd and I told her "I don't think so. I hope not." After having this conversation I came to the conclusion I was waiting for it. I was waiting for an answer. My life was on hold because of a careless "MAYBE".
Once that maybe was removed ... it felt like my life could start again. I felt relief. I was happy. I was at peace.
I believe that Mr Big Man is a soul mate of mine. Maybe not a life partner / lover soul mate but he made my soul sing. He was another serendipity in my life. He was brought to me for a reason.
I have closure. This is something one rarely gets at the end of a relationship. Sometimes I can be so damn lucky.

nickname needed

2009-06-05T06:50:00.002-05:00

May 19th, 2009
Not Matt Damon AKA Stud AKA I need a nick name for this man.
He got a first date.
We went to lunch today at a sandwich shop. He is decent looking. We laughed. He was witty. It was comfortable.
When the lunch date was over he offered me his hand. I took it! But in the car I was like HHSBM!! (Holy hot shit batman) He offered me his HAND! Whatevers!
I sent him an email when I got back to work. It said I had a good time but he better not offer me his hand on the second date. haha
PLEASE help me come up with a name for him. For some reason nothing wants to stick. I think he will be around for a bit so I need one.
Here are some facts:
He works for a school district.
He was a therapist.
He is a father of 2.
He has soft lips and what I mean about that is he kisses softly. Like a butterfly. Not that I know what a butterfly kisses like ... where did that imagery come from??? (yes he got a 2nd date and did NOT offer me his hand)
His brother looks like Matt Damon and he does not.
One of HIS nicknames from his own friends is A-Rod.
He plays the guitar. Was in a band. Played for 20 some years.
He is witty.
Help me out here. PLEASE!!!

where do i go to school for this?

2009-06-04T06:31:00.000-05:00

Random thought in May.
I wanna learn to pole dance. Srsly!
I wanna learn to pole dance.

Thought you should know.

run. run quickly

2009-06-03T06:15:00.001-05:00

May 18th, 2009
Dr PB.
Interesting name, huh? He works in the medical field and the PB relates to Reeses Peanut Butter cups. So we came up with Dr PB (thanks for the help Melissa!).
He called me "STUNNING!!". That will get my attention. Not pretty. Not cute. Not hot. STUNNING! Ahhh, shucks. Thanks.
My long black lashes are fluttering (thanks mascara!).
We seem to be a good match on email. He answers my questions. All satisfactory. I decide we need to go to the phone calls. He gives me his number on Wednesday.
I do not call him Wednesday.
He emails me Thursday. "What, no phone call?!"
I emailed back. "Nope. You will have to wait. I am a busy, stunning woman. I will call you Sunday night." Notice how I have to throw stunning around?
He says fine.
So I call him on the way to get my daughter. I have 30 minutes to spare. The phone call was fascinating! It was really educational and opened my eyes to what I should look at school wise. Go to nursing school? Hell no. I am going for a sonogram technician. This was his idea and he has no clue as to what kind of person I am but it fit. Everything connected in my head and was like ding, ding, ding. It was serendipity.
I told him I would call him later that evening.
I notice he does not ask me questions on the second phone call. I ask why. He says ... GET THIS ... he says "I don't want to pretend I am interested in you."
For reals! He said that!
{insert giggles}
He also asked me what was the dirtiest 4 letter word I could think of. I told him to just tell me the answer. "Love" he said. FOR REALS! {insert laughter} I asked him to explain and he said "think back to your first love. How did that turn out? How about your last love? How did that turn out? The things people get away with when they are in love are ridiculous." I asked what would he do if 5 months from now I said "Dr PB, I love you". His reply was "I don't think I want you to tell me that." {insert wide eyes and mouth open}
We get on the topic of our EX's. VERY interesting fact here. When someone asks me about my EX I ALWAYS default to my daughter's dad. I don't think of Mr P. I don't think of Mr Big Man. I wonder why. Any psychs out there let me know what you think of that ...
Regarding the EXs, I told some about mine. How he was not good for me. It was very unhealthy. He told me ... GET THIS ... he said "if you were treated like shit then you deserved it. Only people who allow themselves to be treated that way are. So you deserved it. You deserved all the abuse you got."
eek.
Run Nikki RUN!!! I did. I said thanks for the wisdom and insight on school but I think this conversation is over. {insert flapping hands in an ick motion. you know, to get the shit off your hands!}

can't make up my mind

2009-06-02T06:17:00.002-05:00

May 17th, 2009
Dreamer.
This man gets me flustered. I like to have the upper hand. Or at least think I do. Sometimes. Yes, I want the upper hand. Not always. Damn Pisces coming out again. I want this, no! I want that! No! I want this again. OK, OK, I'm done talking to myself. Phew.
Back to the point.
Dreamer knows my sisters. He knows my childhood. He knows my family's current situation. How? He lived on the block I did when I was little. He played with my sisters. He knows things. He found my sisters on Facebook and one sister gave him the break down of my family's life (not me in particular but parents, siblings, etc.) My sister spilled the beans months before he found me on match.
This still unnerves me. He knows too much too soon. Again, nothing about me in particular.
I don't know if I should continue to talk to him.
Also with Dreamer, he HAD a dream to build this wonderful big house on a golf course. Now he is just missing the wife and kids. He wants that. Bad. Almost desperate about it. He mentioned it several times. Too many times for it to be a slip of the tongue. PLUS he said we have a special connection since my family was a good childhood memory for him.
I have NO memory of him.
grrr.
Yes. Not his fault but I feel the need to drop him. Should I give it another shot or cut it?

two down

2009-06-01T11:01:00.003-05:00

May 16th, 2009
Here I am here!! Did you miss me?
Joe Schmo & Soccer Star.
Not too great matches here.
Joe Schmo is an old pro with Internet dating. I guess I am too?? I "met" him online 2 years ago. Same time when Mr Hottie came into the picture. Well Joe & I talked on the phone and it never went anywhere. It was blah blah blah. Nothing exciting.
Fast forward 2 years to now. He sees me on match and sends an email saying all these nice things. I can tell he read my about me. He was paying attention. However I could tell he had no memory of me. Dude, that is not cool. I called him out on that. He laughed and said he thought I looked familiar. He wanted to get together. But you see, I remembered how BLAH it was with him so I said no and I said why. In a nice way. I hope.
Soccer Star!!! Oh poor SS. He tried. Everything I was looking for he did not have. But he tried. He was a pessimist. I told him I needed an optimist. He said he could change! He was still angry with his X. I told him I needed one who was "over it". He said he was (a day after he said he wasn't). SS did not want anymore kids. I said I did. He said we could try. I said bye-bye.

my profile

2009-05-27T08:07:00.002-05:00

My dating profile:
I desire someone who is playful, politically incorrect, laughs out of context, has a few scars to prove he has experienced adversity, brushes his teeth twice a day, has more than one best friend, makes incredible steak, isn’t looking for perfection, knows what he wants from life, has drive, would never leave wet towels on the bed, enjoys the simple things, loves roller coasters, helps clean the litter box, isn’t afraid to take chances, creates incredible passion with me.
Whew! Are you still there? I got more ... is happy that I listen to Prince/ Coldplay / Dave Matthews Band, frequently kisses me on the forehead, makes me stick to my exercise routine unless I do not want to, knows that I do not like to cook and is O.K with that, enjoys the fact my mom has dubbed me “Witch in Training”, lets me put my feet on him when we sit on the couch, agrees with me that Target is better than Wal-Mart.
OK, OK, I know, this is a lot but if I really had to desire someone ... can fix things in the house and lets me sit on the toolbox and smile, has a strong moral character, is a manly man but doesn't kill things (unless it's something that freaks me out and makes me jump on a chair and point!) would silently suffer when I do not shave my legs every day (or every other day), loves family, loves my daughter, loves me and above all, has a mind of his own.

I have learned:
I am a true Pisces.
Couples don’t complete individuals, they enhance.
I do not play games. I expect the same back. If I like you I will call. Now, not later. I will not wait 2-3 days.
I am a planner.
I am a happy person.
Self confidence is very attractive. However arrogance is not.
I am direct and like the same in return.

beginning again

2009-05-26T06:58:00.001-05:00

May 14th, 2009
Did you know it is hard to come up with a nick name for people?
Well I am here to tell you. It is!
We have, ahem, in order of appearance:
Dr PB
Not Matt Damon AKA Stud AKA what the hell do I call this man?
Soccer Star
Dreamer
Joe Schmo

As you hopefully can tell, some of these nick names will not stick. I will write more about them in the next couple of days.
Day 1 I was talking to all of these men. Day 2 when I was to email all of my other favorites my life decided to change and I was not able to email them. I will get to them! I will, I will!!!
So how did my life change, you ask. And if you didn't, same on you, you should have! Well, I have decided to go back to school. Due to this I have been researching schools, pre-reqs and "what the hell do I wanna do with my life". Stay tuned on that topic too!
However I am emailing these guys plus many others. I ALWAYS say "tell me 5 random things". Can you imagine the responses I get?
How about these gems: (all original spellings, I copied & pasted here)
fav position is doggie style so I can see yas ass
dick is 7 does that make ya druel?
I don't have time to tell you 5 random things, what are yours
a spoon, a pencil, a penny, a toothbrush, and a key
ur hot
i live with my parents in the basement
My mother is always bugging me to get married.

How about them apples?! haha!!

ANNNNNNNNND BREAK!

2009-05-21T06:33:00.001-05:00

Today and Tomorrow will be quiet.

Life has been super crazy and I have not had time to write.

Things have happened with match.com. Good things.

On my Facebook I said "red rover, red rover send a decent man right over".

I think he did.

Stayed tuned for Tuesday next week.

Have a happy Memorial Day!!!

over the rainbow

2009-05-20T06:27:00.000-05:00

May 11th, 2009
Damn itchiness. I want to call him. BAD. It's around Noon and I'm at work.
The urge is so strong. Itch, itch. I just ... ahhh ... I just NEED to call him. Or email him. Or text him.
Instead I get some ice cream.
And I signed up for Match. Three months. After 3 months I will switch to eHarmony if needed.

I am digging this game plan.

During the evening after my little girl is sound asleep I sit and think on the couch. I have my laptop in my lap. I think the pity party did me good. I write another email of everything that annoyed me about him. He said on Thursday he would write me soon. It's Monday night. No email. I cried some more. This time I really did let go. Instead of just saying it, I believe it.
We are over. It's over. He is not coming back. I'm not waiting. I did not send the email. I save it in my drafts. I feel better after the cry. I feel confident. I feel powerful. I feel strong. I feel this is the next stage and I am ready.
I do recover quickly. Remember?
I jump on match. My profile is complete. My pictures are up. I have winks. I have emails. I have men that have favorited me. All within 8 hours!
I wink back to 3. I email 10. I favorite a whole bunch. Ones that I will email tomorrow.
So far, I have had several emails with 3 men. No nick names yet. However I am flirting. I am laughing.
I was even called "stunning!!". HE is a keeper for now!!

it's just lunch!

2009-05-19T06:27:00.004-05:00

May 10th, 2009

I want everyone to say hi to Mr Hottie.

Ready?

All in Unison.

1, 2, 3

"HI MR HOTTIE!"

Mr Hottie reads my blog. He likes me in a friend kinda way. He said an awful lot of nice things to me over our phone call tonight.

Like what you ask?

He does not like to see me hurt. He wishes things were better. Wishes he could make it all better. He is also wondering what is going on with "him". However after seeing Fireproof the movie he agrees it was a bull shit move.

Anyways, Mr Hottie & I talked on the phone for well over an hour.

He has a girlfriend. We will never hook up.

However he asked me to lunch. I told him yes, IF he pays and IF he talks to his girlfriend and gets her OK.

I doubt we will go to lunch. Who wants their boyfriend to go to lunch with a friend that calls him Mr Hottie???

pity party ROCKS take II

2009-05-18T06:54:00.001-05:00

May 9th, 2009
I'm mopey. Today is to be my last day of being sad. Tonight is the pity party and after that ... I'm done. Hands washed.
But this is before the pity party. And I feel pity. I sit on the couch and mope.
Ya, that lasted for the morning then I was bored with being mopey. Off to the gym I go! And boy of boy did I have a work out!! I was proud of myself. I even ran for 40 minutes which is a doozie for me. Before that I have never gone longer than 30.
I get back to the house. I mow, I clean. I take a shower. I clean some more. I order the pizza. It's time to start the pity party!
My attendees are Melissa S, Sasha, Lindsey and Carrie. Sasha, bless her sweet heart, brought alcohol.
Oh we laugh! Oh we laugh! We had tears of laughter. We analyzed Melissa S & Carrie's life. Sasha & Linds did not share problems. What is WRONG with you two?? I want the dish! :) Then we analyzed Mr Big Man.
They told me everything I already knew. I did not cry for I must have got all that out this morning.
We look at Plenty of Fish and search for suitable men. We decided I would pay for Match.com. We looked on there and picked out men for me to email. The theory right now is to aim for a younger man. The last 2 were older. With my sex drive I need a young stud!!
Hey! I am game!
I promised I would not text him again. I promised I would not email him again.
It's over. I am not desperate. I will find something better.
Yes, I will.

PS He has not written back to the first or third email.

overwhelmed

2009-05-15T06:20:00.004-05:00

May 8th, 2009
Today my break up blog posts. I do not get a lot of comments usually ... and WHY is that? I love comments ... but today I had a ton.
Y'all said I did a brave thing. Yes, I did it but I was told to do it. Amy "made" me. I was a pitiful mass of tears when I called her with no direction and she told me to do it. That is why I did it. And NO, I will not jump off a bridge because my friends are. Unless it looks like fun. And no one has died. Lately.
So, let's give Amy her props. Thanks Aim!
But boy oh boy was today filled with lots of tears. It is HARD.
At one point I was reading the comments and it was to much. I didn't live up to what I said to him. I did not think I was strong. I MISS HIM SO MUCH. I broke down and sobbed. Just sobbed. I let myself down. I let my friends down. I let strangers down.
Melinda called me at that moment and wanted to know what I was doing.
"Crying. What are you doing?" I asked through tears.
Melinda you saved me that night. Thank you.
Another key thing that happened today was from a twitter friend. Someone that I do not know. She read my blog because I asked twitter users if they thought he might be depressed. They agreed. However, TinkerandPo really jumped in with what she thought. We exchanged emails. I even told her his real name!!!
Well of course I HAD to email him again. Why??? Because I MUST be some kind of crazy email stalker that can't get over her X!!!! What is WRONG with me????
Mistake #3.
Good Lord, there better not be any more mistakes!!!!
Here is my email ... with edits:
Mr Big Man,
You know I write about you. Our break up just posted yesterday and today. I have had several interesting emails about this. I HAD to share this one with you. I do not know this person. We "follow" each other on Twitter and that is how she found my blog.
Replying to the post yesterday -
It couldn't be more obvious if he were wearing a neon sign that said "HI I'M DEPRESSED!" He's overwhelmed with everything and so can not do anything. He doesn't know if he wants to see you because he's having a hard time feeling...feeling anything at all. It's not you it's him.
Good luck to you both.
So I "twittered" her back and asked: so you think he is depressed and not just over me?
I also replied to her comments with "Holy crap! What am I to do?"
She replied back on twitter: "TinkerAndPo: @withmystilettos He is SO not just over you. will email you l8tr
We exchanged emails on twitter. And I wrote this: If he is depressed what am I to do? Forward your comments? Call him? What do you suggest? I just don't know what to do for it is is a real break up due to we drifted or he lost interest I don't want to seem like a crazy X. KWIM?
Replying to my email she wrote:
Hi Nikki
Here’s my take on it. You’ve been together 5 months, with no “I love you”’s. Do you love Mr Big Man? I mean, do you really love him for better or worse? Because loving someone with depression is definitely on the “worse” side of things…or at least, it can be. It doesn’t have to be. But men are hardheaded and don’t like to go to doctors and see depression as a personal failure blah blah blahhdy blah. KWIM?
Go to the Dr Mr Big Man! You "made" me with my booby issue and now I am "making" you. :)

This BETTER be my last mistake. No more, Nikki. No more. CONTROL yourself!!! I can do this. I can do this. And as one person said in comments to remind myself that I AM NOT DISPOSABLE. Thank Gawd I have the pity party tomorrow night.

May 6th & 7th, 2009

2009-05-14T06:30:00.004-05:00

May 6th & 7th, 2009
6:47AM - My alarm goes off. I hit snooze. Oh I hate waking up by an alarm in the morning! I roll over and settle back in.
My eyes close and I am about to go back to sleep and then my eyes snap open.
CHECK THE DAMN PHONE NIKKI! Did he text back???
I do and he didn't. At this point I decide to get up and get ready for work. Disappointed.
8:04AM - After arriving at work I check my email. No email from him. More disappointment.
No email AND no text. It's over. Yep it's over. Accept this fate. It's over. It's over. It's freakin over! I make my coffee, update twitter and get to work.
8:16AM - beep
Oh my. I got a text. Ohhhh my. Slowly I check it. My heart is pounding. Since I deleted his name just the number shows. The sad and lonely cell phone number that I had memorized had a message for me. I tell the phone to open it.
"hi back"
That's it. That is all he wrote.
The rest of the day I was going back and forth with emotions.
I did have a fantastic evening with Melissa over Gmail's chat and phone calls. We both decided to get on Plenty of Fish and we were sending each other men! It was hysterical. It was like "he's MINE, leave him alone!" or "ya, this is not for me, you try". We were joking about the pictures men took with a mirror and what they said to us in emails. Oh we were just catty but gawd it was fun!!

May 7th, 2009
I went to the DR this AM. Still trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with me. Oh! I did decide to stop the bitch control pills. Hoping this would fix some of the issues. I am nervous. The last time I went in they tested me for diabetes. Somehow an elevated growth hormone can cause diabetes??? Ya, whatever I am not a Doctor and it's confusing. Regardless I really do not want diabetes! I would get the results back now.
Drum roll ... well the heck I will just copy and paste the email I sent to friends and family. That is what you are, right? Yeppers you are:
I do not have diabetes!!!! My Growth hormone was back to normal. Whatever disease he thought I had I do not! I was so happy I could cry. And I did. Because I am a hormonal fool!
He is testing me for more things. He is not sure what he is going for but he did zero in on the Prolactin hormone for it can also cause growth and some of my other symptoms. I have been tested for that before with "normal" results. I did stress to him that I needed to get a thyroid test. He said he ordered it. However only 1 vital of blood was taken this time so I am not sure.
I go back on 5/27.

And guess what. I decided to sent it to him too!! Why??? Because I am a bloody idiot and once more show I have NO self control when it comes to his man.
I wrote that at 12:05 PM. He wrote back at 4:45PM.

Good to hear! I am doing ok. I'll respond to the other email soon. Mr Big Man

EEEEK!!!

conspiracy theory

2009-05-13T06:42:00.007-05:00

May 5th, 2009
I feel guilty. I should not have involved others in this "What is wrong with Mr Big Man" conspiracy theory I have.
At work on Monday I ask Amy to log into my FaceBook and delete him as a friend. She is the ONLY person I would trust with my password! Amy wants to make sure I really want this. I tell her I do. If I tried I would fail. If she does it then it would get done. Aim de-friended Mr Big Man for me.
(sigh)
All of this still SUCKS!
I go to the gym after work tonight. Thankfully I can really go to town there with my frustration. After a quick shower Sasha picks me up in her new ride - awesome ride Sasha! - and we go to Terra's house for Bunco. I'm a sub this month.
I know most of the girls here. Several I am good friends with. Two I am super close with. Sasha & Beth.
They grill me. How are you?? What do you think is going on? I tell them to read my blog! haha. They want me to tell them now. So I share.
Beth says it really sounds like he is depressed. He should not have ended things like that but she is certain he is depressed.
Oh shit. I might be worrying for a reason.
Bunco was good. I was the LOOSER and took home $10. Yippee!
So I get home. It's around 10:15. I deleted his numbers. Did you know that? That is the first thing I do after a break up. Always! I delete all the numbers from my phone so I can't make "drunk" 2 AM phone calls or really ANY phone calls at ANY time. The problem here is, I have his cell phone number memorized.
I really, really want to talk to him. I pick up my phone. Nikki ... text Amy I think.
NO... she is getting to many texts and I think she would think I am crazy for not being over this already. Text Melissa S. NO ... she does not know the whole story yet. Text Melissa. NO ... she would make fun of me!!! Text Sasha. NO ... we don't text and she would be like "what the hell does this mean?"
I close my eyes and enter in his phone number. Yes! Manually! I text him "Hi". I see the mail box on the screen that says it is delivering. My eyes water again.
I MISS YOU.
Two hours later ... no response.
So I am broken here ... I write an email.
I KNOW, I KNOW!! This is terrible!!!! I have no self control with him!!!!! Oh my GAWD someone lock me up!
Mistake #2.
This is the email:
Mr Big Man.
I'm calling you out on your bullshit.
Because I care.
But I would like to say this first. With what happened last week I hope, for I am always hopeful, that you were honest and you are stressed. In that case, lean on me & I will bitch slap anyone who gets in your way. Well ... it will have to be a verbal take down but I can win on that!
I worry about you. It's one thing to end a relationship knowing that there is no longer a connection, there are fights, you just were not feeling it anymore, etc but not for the reasons you gave me. Wait. You did you say you were not feeling it anymore ... BUT you were not into anything anymore. It's not a "Nikki" only thing. Does your work have a number to call for counseling, like a free benefit to help their employees? Please check to see if they do. And if they do take advantage. I agree that you are / were depressed.
I have no idea how you feel. I have no idea what you are thinking. I have no idea what you want. I have an idea that you have no clue.
I sent you a text tonight. It just said hi. Positive thoughts were you were sleeping and did not get it. I never pegged you as one to "ignore". Hmmm, doubt it but maybe you are like me and delete all numbers. You might have been thinking "what fool is texting me hi". Yes I did delete your numbers. Sucks for me I have your cell memorized.
Yes I was walking on eggshells. Yes I do not like that. Yes I have lots of experience with it. However doesn't it all come down to communication?. Mr Big Man, cutting it like this is not an effective way to communicate. I thought we had fabulous communication ... didn't we? Yes, yes, I was walking on eggshells. However after the last 2 relationships I had, I told myself I would not do that again. I would bring issues up. I did this with you. I know you have been working hard and I know your mind was elsewhere. I knew April was going to be a hard month but did not realize it was going to break us. You hurt me because you let me go. I guess I thought I was not disposable or I was worth more to you. With ending it like this, you either screwed us or just me royally.
Was the whole thing a “It’s not you, it’s me” & “let’s be friends” speech?
I'm not shutting the door on you, Mr Big Man. You are in my heart. I'm just not going to wait. I can't. It's not my personality to devalue myself like that. It was a long time ago but not anymore. Having maybes at the end or June 3rd is mean, hurtful, degrading and rude. I'm worth more than that.
I want you to get better. With or without me, I want you to get better.
I do not need answers from you now. It would be nice but I don't need it. This email was for me, to bring me closure. To help me move on. I do miss you.
Take care.

what IS the truth

2009-05-12T06:08:00.007-05:00

May 3rd, 2009
"You have GOT to me freaking kidding me!" I say this out loud and with anger and a tinge of disbelief.
After the much needed trip to Omaha I am sitting on the couch Indian style. My bags are unpacked and my dear wee one is sound asleep. I am logged into Facebook. There are 29 friends online. I click to show me who is online and he is. Mr Big Man is online. I go to his page (I have not been there for a month or so) and every.single.comment I have made is gone. He deleted me.
"You have GOT to be freaking KIDDING me!"
I call Melissa. Tell her Mr Big Man is online. I want to IM him. She tells me to get off the Internet and watch TV or something.
I listen. But I disobey.
I "stalk" him. Looking at everything. This is bullshit!!!
Oh wait ... what is this?? Hmmm. Every comment is gone. All of them. He hid all of them. That right there is odd but in a small way makes me feel a tad better. I wasn't deleted, I was hidden. As was everyone else.
Still ... that is shady. Soooo shady.
Fucker. I am so pissed at him right now.
I go ahead and log off of FaceBook. I go to Plenty of Fish (POF) and I am going to create my dating profile. AGAIN. I do this with a smile on my face. I don't really look around for honestly I am not ready yet.
Next I schedule my pity party. Oh! I love them. I send an email out for my friends to come. At the party we will analyze everything, purge him out if you will so that I can move on.
There is a lot of laughter, some tears and it's fabulous girl time.
I go back online to Facebook. He is offline.
MOOD SWING. I am not angry. I am worried. What IF he was telling me the truth. What IF he really is in a bad spot. What IF there was no underlying meaning. Again, what IF he was telling the truth.
I go to his page and look at everything. I miss him. Oh my Gawd I miss him. The eyes water up. I hope he is OK.
I know one of his friends from going out with them a couple of times. She is a friend of his on Facebook. Jennifer is married to one of his best friends, Chris, and they live across the street from Mr Big Man. I send her an email via FaceBook. It says:
Hi Jennifer. I am not sure if you know or not but Mr Big Man & I are no longer together.
Mr Big Man was the one who ended things, I just re-inforced it (I think). The point is, can you have Chris check on him. Make sure everything else in his life is OK.
He is all kinds of stressed. Even if we are not together, I worry.
No need to let me know if you did this.
Thanks, take care.
Nikki
Oh I do worry. I don't know if I made a huge mistake #1 but if he was telling me the truth this was the right thing to do.
My heart still hurts. It's still broken. Maybe not a million pieces but at least thousands. I'm still 100% grieving.

days after

2009-05-11T06:36:00.006-05:00

May 1, 2009
I am so upset. I can't begin to talk about the grief I am in. I cried all day yesterday. I used Amy as my proxy and every time I would have emailed, IM or texted him I did it to her. It has only been 2 days but she has been bogged down with them. Not really it just seems that way. I just itch to communicate with him. To do something! To shake him. To yell "what the FUCK are you doing?". To hug him. To hold him. To smack him.
I bet you can image some off the wall texts she received. She is a trooper and she is taking it.
I have to pack tonight for I am going to the Omaha Zoo with my daughter and Melissa and her 3 kids. We are staying the weekend in Omaha.
We planned this at the beginning of the week BEFORE anything came down and I am so grateful for it. I won't be able to be sad, I'll be too busy.
Right now I am sad. And I hurt.
Everything is reminding me of him. His funk became my funk. I am a mess again.
I regret cutting the ties like that but it should help me. Should make it easier. He offered me tainted hope. I'm sorry but I can't have it tainted ... it has to be pure.
I am going between hatred, anger, sadness, grief, mourning ... well every negative emotion you can think of.
I know time will heal. I know time will make it all better. I just need the time under my belt.
The grief is overwhelming. I wandered around my house tonight ... what should I be doing?? I'm lost and confused and ... these damn tears will not stop. My heart is broken and the only thing I can do is grieve.
The packing can wait until the morning.

decision part 2

2009-05-08T14:00:00.005-05:00

April 29th, 2009
I am talking on the phone with Amy. She wants to know what I am doing "waiting for Mr Big Man to call me", I am wanting to know what she is doing, "waiting for my boyfriend to call me."
We both laugh. It's funny. We are both waiting. Different reasons, different feelings we have about the wait but it's funny.
Mr Big Man calls. I hang up with Amy and talk to him.
He starts out about the chaos in his life. Goes into how he was talking to his parents about it. Mostly for them to listen, get it off his chest. Talk about areas in his life that he can not change (work, son, etc) and some areas he can (activities, sell his house, etc) and that he needs to simplify.
He does not want to regret spending time with me. He does not want the time he does spend with me to become negative.
He has an idea and wants to see what I think ... tell him if it's bull shit.
So far I am just listening. Taking everything in. I even think for a second if I should get a notebook out and write what is going on so I can remember ... I don't do this, I just think it.
He tells me the month of May is going to be crazy. His son's daycare is closed and Mr Big Man is taking LittleMan out of town for a week. Also Mr Big Man and Hannah will be flipping days a lot and there are some days that they do not know who will have LittleMan. School starts back up on June 3rd.
June 3rd is a key date. He wants to put us on hold until June 3rd then we could reconvene and see if we continue or if we are over. He does not know if again, this is a slow death or so much is going on with work that the negativity is carrying over to other areas in his life.
"Does this mean you want no communication. No seeing each other and no communication?" I asked.
He said yes.
"What do you mean about reconvening on June 3rd. What does that mean?"
"Well" he starts with a deep breath, "if during this time I think about you all the time and I miss you then I will know what is going on and we would continue with the relationship. If I don't think about you or I miss you but noooooot really, then I will know we are over. Also June 3rd is my goal date. To get rid of the chaos. Organize, have time to fix the things I need to fix and get stuff done. If I devote all my spare time to this them it could be done sooner. I may know in 2-3 weeks what I feel and make the decision sooner. June 3rd is my goal date. When LittleMan's schedule goes back to normal, when work should be back to normal. When the chaos should be gone. I know I am borderline depressed right now and I can't fall into that. I can't do that to my son."
My eyes close and the tears start coming. I think this is Mr P all over again. Almost the exact same thing. Chaos in their life, not knowing what to do, letting me go ...
"What do you think?" he asks.
"This hurts me. This is mean. This is selfish. How DARE you put a carrot out there and then tell me that the carrot may or may not be real. 'If I let you catch it then I will tell you if it is real or not.' THAT IS SO MEAN! You can NOT put that hope out there. You can't do that on a break up. Break ups need to be hard and a complete cut. I am hurt that you want to stop all communication with me -"
"We can still talk on email and phone calls here and there and send each other instant messages. Just not all the time. We-"
"You just said all communication would stop. I asked that!"
"We could still talk. Not as often."
"WHAT IS IT WITH YOU MEN-"
"HEY, HEY, STOP RIGHT THERE! I am not like other men. You can not take your experiences with other men and compare them to me. We are different. We are creating new experiences. Our own, together. You can't do that."
That actually makes me calm down a bit. I tell him he is right. I can't do that but by God I can think it! This is almost duplicate of Mr P! Pete and Repete went fishing. Pete fell into the water, who was left? Repeat, RIGHT???? YES! I really think this at that moment.
I say nothing for a bit. I think. My mind will not let go of the carrot he is dangling out there.
"So, tell me this, you want me to wait until June 3rd to see if we are going to start again. Is that correct?"
"Well, you can do what you need to do and I can do what I need to do. I'm not asking you to sit around and wait ..."
"I think you kinda are! Let me ask you this ... if I said all of this to you, what would you think?"
"I would think you were ending things with me but you were afraid to tell me."
"Ok, so is that what you are doing? Might as well come straight with it."
"I am not doing that."
"Mr Big Man, I am so angry with you. I am so angry that you are doing this the night before I was to see you. I have been counting on that day for so long! I have been waiting for it for 2 weeks! At the beginning of this ... at the beginning of all of this in November or so you said ... you said ..." I am in shock. My back is to the wall and I slowly slide down to sit. My hand is over my mouth. Tears are streaming down in huge waves. I think, this is a movie moment, dramatic and all. However no one is there to see it, it is real. It is real emotion and I just can't take it. "it doesn't matter" I whisper.
What was I gonna say? I was going to bring up he told me he would always treat me right even if it would be hard to do. He would always do the right thing.
We are silent. I am not going to change him mind. I am not going to try.
"Bye" I say softly and hang up.
I call Amy back. I am a blubbering fool right now. The sobs, the not being able to breathe again. It's terrible.
She convinces me to call him back, tell him something. I do. This I do write down.
"Hello" he says very calming almost like he was talking to a skittish horse.
"You giving me a month from now, June 3rd, is not good enough. I don't even want it on the table. I won't have contact with you. Even if you need to get your head correct, you should not risk loosing me. If you really cared, you should not risk it. I should not be disposable. I am better than this. I am worth more than this. I am not waiting. I am worth so much more. Bye." I snapped the flip phone closed.
I stood there in the kitchen and cried some more.

decision part 1

2009-05-08T06:46:00.002-05:00

April 29th, 2009 Part 2 will be posted later this afternoon at 2PM Central time. I decided to text Mr Big Man as normal today. He replied back. I called him at work which is NOT normal. We had a pleasant short talk. I also called him on my way to the gym, again as normal. All conversations were nice. They all gave me hope for tonight. He shared with me, he asked me questions, we laughed. It was nice.
"Hi Mom." She called while I was driving to pick up my daughter from her dad's.
"Nikki, I did not like your psychic reading, as you know." My mom says.
"Yes, I know."
"Well I talked to Karen and asked her to do another reading for you. Do you want to know what she said?" **Karen is a psychic my mom is personal friends with and has had several readings with. I do not know Karen, she lives in Las Vegas.
"YES!" Hopefully it is happy news! I start to laugh at my eagerness. I mean tonight is to be the big talk.
My mom took notes and emailed them to me. I will copy & paste them:

He will want you to go along with a 3 way encounter. He loves you but will want to bring strange women home along with you.
Be strong and stand your ground about this.
You and he will be deeply unhappy if you give in to his wishes.
He will be grateful when you tell him, "No".
He would eventually think less of you if you were to agree to this.
You will have to tell him, "Go get this threesome out of your system and come back when you are ready to be with only me". Karen says to tell him to find a woman who thinks so little of herself ! She said your telling him this might be enough to shock the idea out of his mind.
It is going to be a rough 6 months ahead for you. Be patient because he will come out of it around September.
She said you love him very much and he loves you too, but is not ready to say it yet.
She says you will marry in future. He feels he will be too old for children but loves kids and will want to give you a child that belongs to the two of you. He will be more than happy to give this to you.
As to your health, what you have was caught early and you may have to take pills to regulate it. You will overcome it very quickly. It may not have been diabetes that she was referring to.
When you have your baby, they will have to keep eye on you in case you get diabetes again during your pregnancy.

Alrighty! What a conversation to have with my mom ... a threesome!!! Holy crap. That is so not him!!! I got the giggles with my mom. Made jokes about "ya, I am gonna call you in 2 months and say 'MOM! He wants to have a THREESOME! What do I tell him again?'" I found this hysterical! I mean, come on! I talk to my mom but not about SEX topics! haha. I just don't see this ever coming out of his mouth! It's too funny! I can't believe a psychic would pick up on such a topic! A threesome!!! haha haaaaaa!!! Oh too much! Besides with the stress he is under I doubt he has sex on his mind. It did cheer me up. It did make me laugh. I let Mom know I would update her on the conversation tonight.

the funk with tears

2009-05-07T06:18:00.005-05:00

April 28th, 2009
He is breathing heavy. I asked “what are you doing??” He said he finished exercising. He did this for he needed clarity. Needs it because he is in a funk and exercise should help him.
He needs clarity, huh? Tell me more about this funk I say.
He says it began last night when I asked if he was excited to see me. He should be. He normally is jumping up and down with excitement to see me and while he is looking forward to it, he is not at that level of excitement.
Oh REALLLY?
He says it's in all aspects of his life. At work he is drowning. He can not keep up. There is just too much to do and nothing is getting done, more work keeps adding and nothing is getting cleared. This is what it feels like to him, not what is really happening.
This is the NFL draft time. Normally he is glued to the TV and he finds it fascinating and interesting. Not now. He has not paid any attention to it.
Normally he cleans his house but he has not done this. There is no energy to do it. Nothing is bringing him excitement. Nothing is funny, nothing is happy, he is in a funk. He needs clarity to figure out what he needs to do.
I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to react. He just admitted he is not excited to see me. Do I take it personally???
I ask if we can talk about heavy hitting topics or should I wait. I did not want to stress him out more.
He said to talk.
I start slow. Stuttering. I don’t want to stress him out … but things need to be talked about. I said I was going to bring this up on Thursday but might as well now. I told him I was not happy anymore. I felt there were stress cracks and we are drifting apart. We are not seeing each other, the phone calls we have are short and he is not interested. We are not laughing. I did not think I was needy but I feel neglected and I feel like I am walking on egg shells to not hurt him or upset him.
This conversation goes on a huge turn. He thinks the world of me. However he did not know if he wanted to be with me. He needed to figure out what to do.
I started crying. I did not expect to hear this! I told him “don’t you know you are NEVER to break up on the phone!!” Oh my GAWD, this is a Mr P phone call all over again!!!!
He said he was not doing that. He was being honest with what he felt and he was confused. He does not know if he wants to end it. He does not know what he wants. We could talk more about this Thursday.
I asked “how am I to react to this? Why would I see you on Thursday if we are ending things?” He just said he did not know if he wanted to be with me!
He went on to say it was everything. Again, he was not into anything. Not just me. He did want to see me Thursday. Hopefully I would not decide I did not want to see him. He was not breaking up with me.
I told him about Mr P’s break up. The whole “something is wrong with me” and “you deserve better” and how it was the nicest break up. This sounds like a repeat to me. I went on to tell him I have never been married because there is a thing I do. There is Mr Right and Mr Right Now. I have been proposed to several times. I always said no. I was selfish and stayed in the relationship because it was nice RIGHT NOW but I knew we were not long term. I knew we were not a match. I stayed because something was good and it was good for right then. With everything he has told me tonight, I think he thinks I am Miss Right Now and not Miss Right. There is nothing wrong with knowing someone is not the one. We just need to end the relationship and not keep it going. It is easier to end it now than later.
Silence.
I then said "I feel like I am trying to get you to break up with me."
He said "It sounds like you are."
Silence.
I start crying again. What I did not tell him is I finally thought I found Mr Right … he is not a Mr Right Now.
He still says nothing.
I then said “Well with everything said and done at least you learned I am emotional and I cry a lot.”
He starts laughing. It gets louder. It turns into a belly laugh. It was a pure laugh. It was contagious and I started laughing too. This was the first time we have laughed like this for awhile. It felt good. It felt right.
“Oh, Mr Big Man.” I said this and start thinking. I know he likes me. He actually said 'you know I think the world of you'. I think I know a way to figure out if he is over me or if this is stress.
“When you were in Nashville, did you think about me?”
“Yes.”
“What did you think about?”
“What you were doing. How work was. Were you having a good time?”
“Did you miss me?”
“Yes.”
“Really? You missed me?”
“Yes.”
“Mr Big Man … SNAP OUT OF THIS! Come back to me.” My voice breaks.
He whispers “I am trying.”
I start to cry again. He just broke my heart. He sounded so lost. Oh please, please make it back to me I think.
He begins “I don’t know if we are we dying a slow death in the relationship or is this all related to the funk I am in. I need to figure that out. Maybe I should not have brought this up until I figure everything out …it really bothered me when you said you were not happy. You should be happy. Also you got me thinking when you asked last night if I was excited to see you. It made me realize things are not how they should be. My parents see this, my co-workers are seeing this and YOU are seeing this. I don’t know what is going on. I need clarity. I need to figure all of this out. My parents said they were praying for me.”
“Where do we go from here? How am I to take all of this news?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know if I want to be with you. I don’t know - “
My Gawddamn cell phone battery dies! At that time!!!! I hurry to get the charger and plug it in. Damn thing never even beeped to tell me it was low! I hate this phone!! Hate it! And at that exact time!! Are you freaking kidding me!? Perfect! I hope he does not think I hung up on him on purpose. AND WHAT THE hell is he doing? That was such a bull shit answer. Power UP would you already! Damn phone! OK, wow, I have a voice mail. I do not check it I hit send twice and call him.
“Hi.”
“My battery died.”
“You are plugged in now?”
“Yes.”
“I was talking then you were gone. I called you back and it went straight to voice mail. I figured something was wrong with the phone.”
“Mr Big Man, while I was waiting for the phone to come back on I realized this is bull shit. How can you not know if you want to be with me? That is such bull shit. You either do or you don’t. Plus you said you do not laugh, you said you are in a funk. Well, in case you did not realize this we laughed tonight. We had a big laugh. Did we not?”
“Yes we did. We did.” I could hear a smile in his voice.
“Well there you go. And you know what else? I was going to bring this up on Thursday but now I think it is a bad idea. However I was going to see if we should introduce the kids to the other. I know I said 6 months and it has been 5. I thought it was a good idea for you are neglecting things and I am neglecting this. I also know it is scary. I would hate to introduce you to my daughter and then find out a week later you decided we ARE dying a slow death and you end it.”
“Yeah! Not a good thing. After we figure out what is going on we can go back to that topic.”
“Another thing, we do not have it easy. We really have to work hard to make this work. We both have kids, we have opposite custody schedules. With the 9:00 visits, it is draining. It is hard. But if it is what we want it will work. We both need to put in the effort. I am not asking you if you know if you want to marry me tomorrow, next month or next year. I am asking if you want to be with me. If you want to learn more about me. It should be a simple and easy answer. It should be.”
He draws in a deep breath and lets it out. He says nothing.
“If you decided to end this, how would you? Would you come right out and say it?”
“Yes. I would not drag you along. I would tell you it was over.”
“It is over?”
“Why don’t we reconvene on this tomorrow night? We both need our sleep. Hopefully I can snap out of this.”
I do not like that answer. “Well, OK. I guess I will keep you for one more night.”
“Yeah, you won’t give me a long time to figure this out.”
“Well I will give you days and maybe a week or so. A month? No. You should know if you want to be with me. You should know if you want to know more about me. Do you want me to text you tomorrow?” I usually send 2 texts a day. This has been our habit for months.
“Yeah … I … yeah, do that.”
We say out good nights.
I text Amy to call me. I text Sasha to call me. I text Melissa to call me. I need to talk to someone. I need to talk to someone. GAWD! This conversation had to end around mid-night. I check Gmail and see Melissa is online. I send an IM to see if she is really there. She is. I ask her to call me. She does. We talk. She makes me feel better.
I am afraid for tomorrow. I do not want this to end.
So much more was said than what I wrote. We did have more laughs. We had 3 good laughs. I cried more too. We talked about break ups more. I had to narrow it down otherwise you would be reading for an hour at work. I did not want to do that to you!
Some good news; he sounded tired but more upbeat by the end of the conversation.
I do not know how to act with him. He doesn’t know if he wants to be with me. Sounds like he is over to me, doesn’t it? I don’t even know what to say on the texts! They were funny and sexy and caring. If it is the work funk … we will be OK … but he has to know he wants to be with me.
What do you think??

"Yeah, sure."

2009-05-06T06:58:00.002-05:00

April 27th, 2009
We are on the phone.
"Are you excited to see me Thursday?" I ask this while holding my breath.
"Yeah, sure." Not a lot of emotion there from Mr Big Man.
"Yeah, sure." I repeat. I say this with uncertainty. Yeah SURE he is excited to see me? That does not sound like excitement. It sounds like Yeah SURE I gotta mow the lawn again. Yeah SURE I gotta get a PAP smear. Yeah SURE I gotta get up for work. Yeah sure.
I repeat it again.
He wanted to know why I asked. I said many reasons. He talked about how there was a lot of meaning behind that question. It was a good question. He needed to gather his thoughts. He needed to figure out WHAT was going on. He was not sure of anything right now.
WHAT???!!! He got all of that by me asking if he is excited to see me??
I asked him to tell me what he was talking about. Explain please. Right when he began to talk his cell phone rings. He tells me to hold while he answers.
When he gets back on the phone with me he said there is something wrong with the next door neighbor kid and he needed to help him. He would talk to me later.
I appreciate and really like the fact he is helping his neighbor but what about us? I feel we are broken. We need help too.

that psychic sucked!

2009-05-05T06:58:00.003-05:00

April 26th, 2009
I had a Psychic party!!! I made food! And I was told it was good! There was a great turn out. My mom was there, Sasha (who I made RSVP 100+ times), Melissa, Krista, Heather, Jenni, Aleasha and Melinda.
I am a nosey person so I want to hear all the readings. Most I can but not all. Oh, by the way, this is a different psychic than the last one.
I am excited!! It's my turn. GO! I think. Let's go, let's go, let's go. Tell me the goooooood stuff! I yell at my remaining guests to listen in! I am SO excited!
She talks about my friends ... ahh .. what does that have to do with me? She saw my friends in my reading ... hmmm. Not so exciting.
We talk about my daughter. Not good news there about my X. EEK, I don't like that.
Come on! Get to Mr Big Man!!!
She does. The cards say in the 8th month I will know what our status is. He is not my life partner. He has communication issues.
I HATE MY READING. Ahhh, that's crap! We communicate fine! And I want him so. He is my match. We fit. This can not be true.
Let's see, I will meet a dark haired man - someone I do not know now - and that will be in 8 days, 8 weeks, 8 months or August. Something with an 8. I will need to make a choice.
I HATE MY READING. She doubts I will have any more children. If I don't have anymore by the age of 38 then I will not have anymore. I will not get married. She thinks it would be good for me to become a nurse.
I HATE MY READING. I won't get married. Are you freakin kidding me?? I asked her to elaborate on that, she said I really don't care about the paper I care about the relationship, the commitment. That I will have. Hmm, that is kinda true.
I HATE MY READING. No more kids!!! That SUCKS! Mr Big Man not my partner!!! BOOOO! I HATE MY READING.
**I do not believe in psychic readings, I think they are fun and it's super cool if they come true but I do not live my life by it

i wish i may, i wish i might ...

2009-05-04T07:12:00.005-05:00

April 25th, 2009

He is gone. On a business trip. Due to this and our custody schedule and parents coming into town, our total length of time will be two weeks of not seeing each other. This started on April 17th and the next time I see him will be April 30th.

Our phone calls are super short. I am lucky if I get 5 minutes. I am 9 days in. This has been our trend for 9 days.

He sends me one text a day, usually around 5:30. We have gone one day with out any communication.

It makes me sad. I miss him but I will not tell him. I just say I look forward to seeing you or talking to you. I feel there is no need to make him feel guilty. I need to stay upbeat. He is not doing this on purpose, he is working and this is not something he can control.

I send him text messages several times during the day. Maybe a joke, a 'I am thinking about you' or an update on something that has happened. Small things.

He tells me he likes it. He wants me to continue.

He gets back into town on Sunday. Back at work on Monday. I know he will be working 13 hour days again for several days. I know our phone calls will be short. I know we will not see each other much for the next several weeks when he comes back.

I am not sure how long I can "deal" with this. It's taking a toll. Really except for small snippets here and there he has not had any time for us since the first week of April. We already have a limited amount of time so we had to make due with phone calls. Where they use to be fun, energetic and long they are now very brief and tired when we talk. Honestly I am not happy anymore and I hope it does not continue. I'm walking on egg shells again.

Wish me strength. Wish me patience.

Please.

Something sweet here that we did tonight.

I text him. 'do you still dig my chili?'

He texts back "like milli vanilli'

I text him. 'hmm, like girl you know it's true ba da dahh ohh ohh ohh I dig your chili'

He tells me on a phone call that my answer would be right.

lottery

2009-05-03T07:05:00.003-05:00

April 18th, 2009

"Mr Big Man, if you win the lottery I want you to give me one thing. One thing only. I do not care if we are broken up or married with 10 kids." I say this with lots of excitement.

"Ah, Nikki, if we are married with 10 kids I think we need to break up now." His tone has a tinge of panic.

"Whatever! 5 kids! Whatever!"

"Even 5 kids we need to break up now."

"Mr Big Man!! Pay attention! Whether we are together or not ..."

He nods in understanding.

"OK, regardless of our status I want one thing. I want permanent hair removal. Permanent. Can you do that for me?"

"Sure."

"YES! No more shaving! I would be in heaven." I clap my hands with glee.

He laughs at me. Then he stresses, "However if you win, I do not want the same thing."

our life is a song

2009-05-01T06:37:00.001-05:00

April 16th, 2009
We are in bed.
GEEZ! Does everything happen in bed with us?
I am naked - again, common theme here???
I am waiting, waiting, waiting for him to start something. Do I get it? NOPE. Nothing. I'm sure it is not true but I feel like I start it all the time. I am PMSing and feel fat and want him to start this time.
I tell him good-night. I could tell that shocks him.
I roll over and he asks if I am OK.
"Yes" I lie.
Silence.
He turns the TV and the light off.
He comes to me and puts his arm over me.
I'm hot. I squirm around until the covers are mostly off me.
I sigh. Bastard. You are still not trying anything???
Nope he doesn't. He rolls away.
5 minutes later I pop up and say "Are you really that tired?"
"Well, no. Well, yes. I am tired but I am wondering what is going on with you."
"How come you are not trying anything" I ask.
"I did!"
"WHEN?"
"When I put my arm around you. I stopped because it felt like you wanted to be left alone."
"You have GOT to me kidding me! Putting your ARM around me is not trying! Kissing or inappropriate touching is trying!!!"
"Oh. Well I have dealt with this before and I was not going to try when you were not in the mood."
"Mr Big Man, these hormones are insane. I am ALWAYS in the mood. Remember, I think like a man now. I will NOT turn you down and you BETTER hit on me! What does this say about us? 5 months or so in and you are not wanting me? We should be bunnies! We should not be able to get our hands off of each other. How come you CAN keep your hands off of me?"
"I do want you, I just don't ... I could tell you did not want to be bothered. You were squirming around."
"YEAH! I was hot!"
"Ohhhh. Ohhhh." He thinks for a bit. "I ... I ... it seemed you did not want to be bothered so I was not going to bother you. I don't want to try to have sex with someone that does not want it back."
"I AM NOT HANNAH!! You can NOT take what I do and equate it to something she did. I AM NOT HANNAH!!" **side note, Hannah is his Ex-Wife.
"I know you are not her!"
"That is not fair, you can't do that!"
"I'm not!"
Silence. I start crying. Gosh darn hormones! I wonder if I should go home.
"Mr Big Man, I am not seeing you for 2 weeks after tonight. TWO weeks! For you to not try something ... it scares me. How could you not try???" The tears slow.
"You know how busy work is. I have been working 13 hours days getting ready for the business trip next week. I am tired! I just did not think. Well I was thinking then you popped up yelling at me."
The tears start coming again. DAMN PMS!
"Come here" he says.
I don't move.
"Come HERE."
I go. Slowly. Good Lord! How old am I? But you know, when someone hurts you it can be hard to seek comfort in them.
We talk some more. We talk about what I was thinking was wrong and what he was thinking that was wrong. At one point I said the conversation could have gone really bad. One of us could have gotten really pissed off. He agreed. I think this was our first fight.
I congratulate him on making me cry 3 times tonight. He asked if that was a record. I said not lately. He said we have lots of time before midnight, he could try to make the record.
I laughed.
I turned my head up to look at him. "I want you ... I want you to want me."
He starts to sing "I neeeeeed you to neeeeed meeeeeee."
That makes me laugh more.
"I'm serious!"
He says "Me too."

i'll get your attention

2009-04-30T06:43:00.001-05:00

April 13th, 2009
I am working but I am at a Country Club.
My hair looks awesome! I am wearing purple which I look very good in. My make up is on. I am looking good. In fact I would say I am looking HOT today.
This will turn out to be a good thing.
I am helping set up the room. When done I walk to the windows and stand in front of the glass door. There is a buffet line. I see they get to eat BBQ today. It smells yummy. I am looking at all the food. My eyes drift and I notice it is a huge golfer meet. Or whatever they are called. Lots of golfers. Getting their "T" on, maybe?
A person calls me "Nikki, do you think ...." We chat for a bit.
I turn to look out the glass door again. Right in front of me is Mr P.
Mr P! Getting food in the buffet line.
My hand comes up and knocks on the glass. I am not even thinking. I see him and I knock.
He turns, sees me and smiles.
"Nikki, can you help me with this?" the other person asks.
I do not smile back, I turn and walk away.
I get his attention and walk away.
I remember. Oh God, I remember. I remember the insane chemistry. The incredible passion. Just being in the same room with him and SPARKS would come out of my body towards him. Insane chemistry. We were matched 100% there. He could not keep his hands off of me. He tried not to. I tried not too! We both failed. Wow. I never knew chemistry could exist between 2 people like that. It was overwhelming. It was incredible passion. The best I have ever had. I remember.
I also remember the unease I had. I remember being cautious. I remember not trying to scare him off. I remember walking on the egg shells.
He dumped me. I found peace with another. I am luckier over here.
I am hot today. I know I am. And I walked away from him. No smile. I got his attention and left. How about them apples?

impatient. who me?

2009-04-29T16:30:00.000-05:00

April 12th, 2009
Surprise!
Long story short, I got to see Mr Big Man tonight. It's a visit that lasts from 6:00 to 10:00. FOUR whole hours!!! Again long story short, I re-arrange MY schedule so I can see him.
We are watching TV. One of our favorite shows is on. He has already seen 3 out of the 4 episodes we are watching. I am cooking dinner - OK, OK, you can stop your heart attack now for I was NOT cooking for him! I was using a slow cooker and the dinner was to be frozen for another time - and I was running back and forth between the kitchen and living room.
I keep asking questions because I am missing stuff AND he has seen it before.
I don't remember what the question was but as soon as I asked it he says "You are impatient!"
I turn to him, slap his leg (in a kind, loving way) and said "I TOLD YOU THAT!"
duh! Anyone who knows anything about me knows I am impatient!
It was a good evening. We played. We laughed. We teased. We were relaxed. We were happy.

the aftermath

2009-04-29T06:22:00.001-05:00

April 11th, 2009 part 2
Hours after he left I was like - what the hell?? He just came, literally and left. I will see him the 16th and then not again until the 30th.
Shouldn't he have tried to stay longer?
Shouldn't he have made a point to leave his house on time?
Shouldn't he have wanted to be with me?
The phone rings and it is Krissy. I talk to her about it. Tell her I feel like this is not a relationship anymore. We are not moving forward. We are in a rut.
She says it almost sounds like we are in a long distance relationship when we only live 30 min from each other.
True. That is what we are doing.
We are not growing and we are having a long distance relationship.
This SUCKS.
I don't know what to do...

drive by shootings

2009-04-28T06:01:00.000-05:00

April 11th, 2009

Have you ever seen the convenience stores called Cum and Go?

I have. I think they were on the East Coast.

Every time I saw them I would laugh at the name, thinking who would venture there?? I didn't.

Well it looks like I had no choice today.

Mr Big Man was on his way to his parent house for the Easter holiday. He said he would stop by ... are you figuring out where I am going here? ... for a visit. He had to be at his parent's house by a certain time.

Well he is late. Later than he thought he would be.

He comes into the house and I make him fix my smoke detector. Can't go up in flames here, you know!

Get this, he does this without a ladder! Without going on his tippy toes! I can jump as high as possible with everything outstretched and still be a solid foot away!

I digress ...

He fixes it. I tell him I have to go to the bathroom. I do. When I open the door to come out ...hehe... he is in my bed. Naked. Giving me this come hither look! It was too funny.

I tell him to hold on, I better lock my doors!

I came back and ... well ... he ... comes. Or cums. I hate the spelling of that! Gives me the heeby geebies.

Then the bad boy gets dressed and heads to momma's!

It was a drive by.

OK, I am giggling here. I see a huge pecker spraying something out of the opening while he waves and drives by.

A hit and run! HAHA.

OK! I am dying here! Can you see it too? HAHA

Oh memories.

house

2009-04-27T06:13:00.002-05:00

April 5th, 2009

"Hey. Are you online?" he asks all excited when I answer the phone.

"Nope."

"Get online. I emailed you something I really want you to see."

I mosey to the laptop and get into my GMail. (sorry Melissa, I had to pimp it for I love it so!) The subject of the email is 'house'. Nothing is written but there is an attachment. The attachment is called 'Mr Big Man house'. really it's his real name and not the nickname, he does not refer to himself as Mr Big Man.

Hmmm. What could this be???

"What is this?" I ask him softly for I am starting to get excited too.

"My future house. It's something I have been working on for sometime. Can you see it? I am going to build this. What do you think?"

"Wow!" I open it up and there is the drawing of the house. I can see the outside of the house and where all the rooms are. I really like what he did ... except something is funky with the front door. But, and this is a big one, he has a wrap around porch. My heart pitter patters. I LOVE wrap around porches.

I tell him I really like it and we talk about what rooms are on which floors and the layout in general.

"Ah, Mr Big Man, what is up with the front door? How come it is so far back?"

"I don't know. I have been working on this for some time and I am still moving things around. Why, do you not like it?"

I don't like it. I think it should be moved up. AND I have other ideas of where the bedrooms should be. ALSO I think the upstairs layout needs to be adjusted. AND the basement ... what is going on there?

I throw all my input at him. I figure if that psychic was right, we were going to build this house. I needed to be sure I was upfront with him from the get go. Also if he was open enough to share this with me and ask what I thought, he really wants to know!

The next day he sends me another email with an attachment. Same attachment name. I open it, my changes where there. Not all, but a lot of them.

I tell him later that he needs to save two copies of the house plans. One called Mr Big Man & Nikki and one called Mr Big Man only. That way if we build this house together, all will be good. However if we break up he might want to go back to the drawing board and revert back to the original plan.

"But I don't think you will" I say.

"Why?"

"Because our plans will kick ass and your plans will ... well ... suck!"

He laughs.

discovery

2009-04-24T05:57:00.000-05:00

April 4th, 2009
Another milestone.
I met his best friend. My father was watching my daughter while Mr Big Man and I went out to dinner and then to his friend's house.
I really, really want Mr Big Man to meet my friends but it seems to be to hard. They are not available when he is and when I am. It should not be this hard, just make it happen but it is this hard. It's very frustrating to me.
BUT I got to meet his best friend and his wife. It was nice. I heard funny stories from their childhood. They have been friends since age 3. They are 41 now. GAWD, looking at "41" .... sounds so OLD. I am dating a 41 year old. I am in love with a 41 year old. That number looks so disturbing ...
WOW! That was off topic. They both talk like each other when talking about certain subjects. It truly was funny. The wife was super nice and to top it off, the first topic was about their sex life! I was like, wow, this is great to know so soon! It was hysterical.
The big news, big, big news is that I found out Mr Big Man tried to get his custody schedule changed. I was like, wait a minute, you never told me this! I dropped it but if you know me I brought it up again when we left.
"So tell me, when did you try to change the custody schedule?"
"About a month ago. Hannah kept having to switch days due to work conflicts so I asked if we should just change it for good. Flip the weekends so I would be on the same schedule as you. I figured she would be up for it since it would help her but she got all excited and said 'NO! My work schedule goes out into the summer and I work every weekend I do not have Little Man.' So that did not work."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"She said no so no changes were made. I didn't want to upset you either. It'll work out. We will get it all worked out."
I think he likes me. I think he thinks about me. I THINK he is moving towards the future. I wish he would tell me these things.

smells fishy

2009-04-23T06:41:00.000-05:00

April 2nd, 2009

Sleep over, sleep over, sleep over!

We are banging these out, huh?!

Today is our 4th anniversary with dating and our 5th month of knowing each other. Seems like a long time ago I met him but really it isn't.

So much occurred this night but I want to talk about one thing. Tuna.

Yes, good ol tuna.

You see, I am a tuna fan. While debating what we are going to have for dinner (neither wants to cook or go out) he is opening up cupboards and I spot tuna. Not just one can mind you but 50 or so cans. I burst out laughing. Who has THAT many cans of tuna in their house???

I say "Ohhhh, TUNA!! I want TUNA!"

He didn't seem to think it was a funny as I thought it was.

Now the fun part. How many ways are there to make tuna? I am sure hundreds but I really like my tuna my way. I'm picky like that.

I tell him I could eat a whole can on my own. He says he could too (another me TOO moment).

I tell him I want to make my can my way.

He says he wants to make his can his way.

"Fine."

Death glares are staring each other down. It's too much and we start laughing.

He sends me to my side of the kitchen. "Don't you step foot on my side!" he says. I proceed to gather my ingredients. Thankfully they were on my side. Poor him, his ingrediants were on my side too (I got the better side!) and every time he ventured over I shot dirty looks. He plunks down my can of tuna and says "Don't you dare let your tuna touch my tuna" very sternly.

"Fine."

The giggles start up. They don't stop. The giggles turn into loud rolls of laughter. How funny is this? How old are we? It was such a fun time.

We finish making our tuna and sit and eat. I eat most of mine then I am full. He finishes all of his and then finishes mine. He admitted mine was pretty damn good. Ahhh, duh! I know!!!

By the way - my tuna never did touch his tuna.

Our weekend - part 3 of 3

2009-04-22T06:27:00.000-05:00

March 29th, 2009
He took me to his church! I know that is important!!!
I was SO tired. I was raised Catholic and I went to Church when I was younger so I remembered all the kneeling. But, Dude! (yes I said dude and yes I called you it!) When you are so freaking tired that is too much exercise!
We ate breakfast afterwards. During breakfast I kept shutting my eyes. I was barely functioning. I was not even thinking. I would fail if I was ever interrogated and tortured with sleep deprivation. In fact I would spill every secret I know. Should I admit that???
Also, I am a tad bitchy ... don't laugh to hard ... without sleep so I was questioning everything he was telling me. In a bitchy way.
On the way back to his house he says he needs to show me something. It's on the way home but there is a short detour. We drive into a neighborhood and down to a cul-de-sac. There is an empty plot of land. Mr Big Man says "This is where I want to build my house."
ding, ding, ding Score another one for psychic lady! She said we were going to build a house. I start laughing. He wants to know what is funny and I said I would tell him some time in the future. Mr Big Man then tells me where the front door is, the garage, the layout, etc. It sounds beautiful to me. PLUS the lot was very nice.
We made it back to his house.
I was so exhausted. I told him to let me sleep for an hour. I had to make it to my friend's baby shower so I figured an hour would do me good.
I strip and crash into his bed. I am almost out but I am aware that he kisses my forehead. Then I am out.
He should have woken me up at Noon.
He let me sleep. I woke up at 2:50. I was like holy crap! I missed the shower. I jumped out of bed to find him.
Naked.
I find him in the office. He says, "NICE outfit!"
"How come you let me sleep so long? Oh and thanks!" I feel better from the sleep so I shake my hips all sexy like.
"You, sugar, sugar, were dead tired and YOU needed your sleep. You were a touch bitchy."
I was a touch bitchy, huh? Really? He calls me out like that. I can't get mad. It's true. In fact I already knew I was. I can be one mean and nasty bitch without sleep. In fact I think I tried to pick a fight at breakfast. I think. I'm not 100% sure. My wits were not there. I can not be held liable for anything that happened!
"OK" I said. "Well, let's get it on since you like my outfit."
"Can't right now. I have to take stuff over to someone. I should be back in 10 minutes. Rain check for then?"
You bet I was thinking! Walking him out I see a MESS in the kitchen. He sees me seeing it. He tells me where the vacuum is. He can tell it was driving me crazy and I needed to clean it. I vacuumed in the nude! At his house! He only saw the beginning. He had a pretty big smile.
SEE!! I DO want to be a 1950s housewife!
He makes it back, we get it on and then we are talking. Lazy afternoon, don't you love it? I mention our standing Thursday date and thinking about what we can do.
"Oh, ya. I forgot to tell you. I have Little Man on Thursday. I had to switch nights with his mom because she has a work conflict."
Daggers. Daggers are shooting out of my eyes. I can feel them!
"Don't look at me like that!" he says.
I close my eyes.
"We will work it out" he says.
I nod. We will.
He takes me back home. He gives me many kisses. As I was walking into the house he says "Thanks for getting me out of funk. You are what i needed."
What do you think of that?

Our weekend - part 2 of 3

2009-04-21T06:24:00.006-05:00

March 28th , 2009 part 2
It was time to go to bed. I was very sleepy but I could not sleep. My mind would not stop working. OK, so I forgave but I have not forgotten. I need to move on. I need to get over it. He said he was sorry. It just shows how ... it just shows how ... well, crap I have no idea what it shows. Sleep, Nikki, sleep!
But why sleep when he is still awake?!
"Mr Big Man" I start. "What do you think of me?"
Pause. Silence. He turns to me.
"That is a loaded question." He says.
"No it is not."
"How am I to answer that?"
"With honesty. What do you think of me?"
"Well" he starts out slowly "You are organized, a good mom, you tell it like it is, you are funny, heck, you laugh at my jokes." He stops.
I say nothing.
He continues, "You are a pretty cool gal, good qualities and you are interesting. You are thoughtful, you have something to say and it's not jibberish, you are easy to talk to, good with money, stable, happy. I love your smile. You have good teeth! You have a beautiful laugh." He stops again.
I say nothing.
He continues, "You have really come around, life is getting better and easier for you - there is no more drama with X. I can see you growing and thriving. Did I already say you are kind? Well you are. You see things with a smile and you have positive energy. I am not drained when I am with you. I am happier and life is easier when I am with you. Oh ... you are hot AND cute. That is a hard combo. It's pretty cool. You are smokin! Sexy! And we have a great time in the bedroom." He stops again.
I am silent. I am digging this!
He then asks "What do you think of me?"
I say "You seem like a good parent-"
He cuts me off with "I am a good parent."
I look at him.
He says to continue.
I say "You are a good man. I call you Charlie Brown for a reason. You are strong. I love your patience and calmness. You are easy going but again strong. AND, I think I have a stronger sex drive than you."
"Oh no you don't!"
He attacks me. Just what I wanted!!! We had amazing sex.
He falls asleep. I stay awake, wanting to sleep but ... no. My mind goes over everything about the day and what he thinks about me.
I think I fell asleep at 6:00 and he woke up and 7:00.
I'm a light sleeper so that woke ME up.
"Do you want to go to Church with me?" he asks.
WOW. The psychic said this would happen! Scary.
Because I did not answer right away he said if I did not want to go that would be fine, he would let me sleep. He also noticed how tired I looked.
I said I would go to Church.

Our weekend part 1 of 3

2009-04-20T07:02:00.003-05:00

March 28th, 2009
The KU game was last night.
This was our weekend with no children. First weekend.
Mr Big Man said on the phone last night he would call me as soon as he woke up. He would wake up around 10. We have had bad weather so he was to come get me. He has the 4 wheel drive.
I'm so excited to spend the day with him!!
I wake up around 9:00. I make a cup of coffee and I relax on the couch. I wait. Nothing. I decide to take a shower. I make it a long one. I even shave my legs!
I eat. I'm impatient but you know, he is sleeping late, right?
I change the sheets on my bed. I pick up. I watch TV (my DVR is my soul mate!). I do the dishes. I wait. I wait. I wait.
I am no longer patient.
I am pissed. This is OUR weekend. This is OUR only weekend without children. What the hell is he doing.
Oh no, no, no. I am not calling him. No sir. I am pissed off. That man better call me.
I wait. I wait. I wait. I clean. I clean. I clean.
It is 4:45.
I call him.
"Hello?"
"What is going on?" I get out.
"Hey! How are you? Not much what are you doing?"
"Did you just wake up?"
"No, I have been up since ... oh ... maybe 10:30."
"What have you been doing?" My tone is neutral. I am seething but my tone is neutral.
"Nothing. Just sitting around doing nothing."
He was doing nothing. Are you fucking kidding me?
"Why did you not call me?"
"I didn't think about it. I have been in a funk. I guess due to KU loosing and drinking last night, well it was a bad combo."
"Mr Big Man, I am sad, disappointed and hurt right now."
"Why?"
The bomb of Nikki on the wrath has been released.
I get passionate *that means yelling* about the time. "This is our 1st child free weekend in 5 months and you do not call, you do nothing while you could be with me. YOU KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THIS WEEKEND WAS TO ME. I HAVE BEEN SO EXCITED. NEITHER ONE OF US HAS OUR KIDS. AND YOU DO NOTHING?!! I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU TO CALL ME. AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT?? THIS IS BULLSHIT! ARE YOU SERIOUS THAT OUR WEEKEND IS RUINED BECAUSE FUCKING KU LOST??!!"
Oh boy, oh boy am I mad!
"YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU. I KNOW YOU ARE NOT ON THE SAME LEVEL AS I AM BUT THIS IS MEAN. THIS IS HURTFUL. I AM SO MAD AT YOU. AND YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW WHAT? I HAVE BEEN QUESTIONING OUR RELATIONSHIP. WHILE YOU ARE DOING NOTHING, I AM THINKING THAT YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH ME. I AM THINKING THAT WE SHOULD NOT BE TOGETHER BECAUSE YOU DON'T CARE ENOUGH TO SPEND THIS WEEKEND WITH ME. I AM SO, so, so ..."
The crying starts. I am so upset I start crying.
"Nikki, I don't know what to say. I screwed up. I should have called. I'm sorry. I don't feel right today. I'm in a funk. I will come and get you if you still want me too."
I asked what he wanted for he knew I would always choose to be with him and he said he would come. He never mentions the KU thing again and he does not comment on the fact I was questioning the relationship.
I know I yelled more things but with the passion I had, I do not remember all of it.
I call Krystal while I am waiting for him to come get me. I tell her the news. She tells me to drop it. This is "normal" for big time KU fans. Just have fun tonight and enjoy the time we have.
That is easier said than done.
Mr Big Man gets to my house at 7:00. 7: freaking 00. Nice weekend huh? Calm down!!! I can be calm. Forgive. Smile at him! You need to forgive. Give him a kiss. Oh damn! That was a big hug. Ohhh, he kisses me again.
He did say he was sorry again and that he was in a funk and he was not trying to hurt me. I was right, he should have called me. I bring him out of "funks" and bad moods so he should have called me. I said I forgave him.
See, me being big!! I forgive him.
We do our thing. We go out to eat and I ask if we can go shopping. I have a baby shower to attend and I need to buy the items. He says sure that sounds like fun!
We go to Target and he helps me buy the items. We had a me TOO moment on what we would buy or not buy for baby shower items. Leaving Target his best friend calls. They talk most of the way back to his house. Towards the end of the phone call Mr Big Man tells his best friend that he wants him to meet me.
That brought out a real smile. Maybe first one for the day.

Rock Chalk Jayhawk??

2009-04-17T06:21:00.000-05:00

March 27th, 2009
This is our first weekend in 5 months that both of us do NOT have our kids. I really want to spend the whole weekend with him.
Him, well not so much.
You see KU is playing a March madness basketball game Friday night. Tonight. He already informed me (long time ago mind you) that when March madness comes he would be focused on that. 100%. Go KU!
Whatever. I am not into basketball and I do not understand how people in the Midwest get so involved and take everything the team does personally. Especially college stuff. I have had conversations with other people here and IF they are into college basketball they are HARD CORE in it. So again, whatever. If the team looses then I get to spend more time with him, right?

The team lost.
He was very upset.
He was not Mr Big Man. He was not Joey. Nor Charlie Brown. In fact, he was someone I have not met before. He was mad. He was hurt and pissed off that his team lost. Hurt is my word, pissed, mad and other ugly emotions were his words.
Have I told you I just don't get it? I mean, I just don't get it. Yes, you can be upset but THIS upset? There was cursing ... we curse in normal conversation but this was out of anger ... just pissed off meanness. He was not mean to me, just about the basketball game and how his team lost.
It did not scare me. It did not make me think he was showing a red flag. It make me scratch my head, turn it sideways and say "huh".
He admitted to me that his was him at his worst.
Dude, over a basketball game? I don't get Midwest boys.

witty much?

2009-04-16T06:06:00.000-05:00

March 25th 2009

Mr Big Man has the option of seeing me Wednesday or Thursday night. Both would be 9:00 showings.

I send him an IM during the day. I ask if he could select Wednesday night (tonight) instead of Thursday. He said he really thinks Thursday night would be better.

Hmmm, did he not catch my hint? It needs to be tonight!

So I said my reasons why it would be better, work reasons, daughter reasons, I have class reasons, etc. He said he would think about it but really thought it would be Thursday.

Hmph! I typed in all capital letters: WEDNESDAY WOULD BE BETTER. BOW DOWN TO THE PEER PRESSURE AND GET YO ASS OVER HERE TONIGHT.

He said he could not read what was written in capital letters. haha! He also said he thinks he will do Thursday. Hmph!

Well guess what. He came over. I was so happy! I love that he bowed down to the peer pressure!

We watched 2 TV shows. What I have come to realize is we like the same shows. We laugh at the same jokes. We think along the same lines when we are being funny / witty. We laugh at what we say ... like I think I am funny and he thinks he is funny and guess what? We both are!

It really is nice for I have never had that. The witty banter that is.

It was such a relaxing night. Again very peaceful.

This peace is amazing.

phone calls

2009-04-15T06:57:00.000-05:00

March 21st, 2009
I feel whiny. Get over it, I think. Ya, whatever. I miss the man.
Usually we would have seen each other this weekend. He would have come here. This weekend he has his son due to Spring Break.
Both have children = no see each other.
It makes me sad hence the whiny.
We do what we have to do which is revert to our phone calls. I would say the past month or longer they have not gone over an hour. They usually end at 30 minutes. At the beginning it was 3 hours!! Remember that? I do.
This night was a great phone call night.
I went to my friend Melissa's house and had a psychic reading. She tells me right off the bat that I was getting married in 3 months. WHAT!?? My reply was when is he going to ask? Soon she said. Well, shouldn't he say he loves me first? That would be weird if he didn't! Basically we are getting married in 3 months and the reason why things are not moving along quicker is because he thinks he needs to pay off all debt before doing anything and I need to tell him to forget about the debt and live life. It will be paid off and we will be happy. Blah, blah, blah. OH! We will have a son and build a house. We are also taking a trip to the West Coast next fall. HMMM.
I get home, put my daughter to bed and called him.
He asked what the psychic lady said. OK, I was all bold at the reading and said I would tell him everything but now that it comes down to it I can't! I did say he needs to not worry about the debt and live life. He said OK, he was doing that. I told him in 3 months something big was gonna happen. He said "you are not having a baby are you?" I said "if I did, it would not be yours."
haha. I am sooooooo bad!
Now that I see that, it was kinda rude! Oh Gosh. Thankfully he laughed.
Anyways, the conversation continues and all is well. He made some random comment that I called him a woman during one of our make out sessions. I totally forgot about that!! But I did call him a woman! Why would I ever do that you ask? He wouldn't give me any, remember?! I completely 100% wanted the sex and he would only give me foreplay. No sex. I was pissed. I laughed that he brought it up and then said "Wow, that must have really caused you grief. I am sorry. I did not mean it the way you thought. I am sorry."
He forgave me but kept bringing it up! I was thinking OK, now he is totally being a woman (we do bring up things that happened 5 years ago when we need arsenal). I am still cracking up about that!
The conversation went really well. There was a lot of laughs. Lots of me TOO moments. It made me want to reach in the phone and squeeze him tight. Too bad I couldn't.
At the end he said this was one of our best conversations. I have to agree.
Key notes from psychic: I would be married in 3 months - she was thinking a July wedding
I would have a son
We would build a house
My X would not cause problems with the marriage or us getting together (remember Mr Big Man lives 30 away from me)
I would be invited to Church and I would go regularly
He would love my daughter like his own and he would want to adopt her

think sexy not hairy

2009-04-14T07:49:00.001-05:00

March 19th, 2009
Background: We have not seen each other since Sunday. Phone calls are short in the evening. I miss him. His back is out still. Was told no sex due to this. He was still in a lot of pain. I hit the gym earlier in the evening and have taken a shower - did not shave for I hate that and hey, no sex right? - got to his house with wet hair, no make-up and PJs on. I'm sure I look like a goddess!
Stage: On the bed. Just watched one of our favorite TV shows.
Scene: I straddle and lay down on him. I make sure this does not hurt. I kiss his neck. He rubs my back. I like to be as close to him as possible.
"I missed you" I say against his neck.
"Me too."
"You missed yourself? That's sweet. Did you miss me?"
He does not miss a beat. "Maybe. I'll let you know."
"Sounds great."
He continues to rub my back. His hands come around to my front as best as they could. He is teasing me. I kiss his neck. He keeps rubbing. I then say "Mr Big Man, you better stop. I did not shave!!! This is not going to happen. I need you to think 'sexy' when you see me, not 'hairy'." I promptly licked his neck. Secretly I really want this.
"You are sexy. You will always be sexy." He keeps rubbing. Then he starts to pull my shirt up.
"What about your back?!! You're broken!"
"It'll be fine. I am not that broken."
That's all it took. I was like, game on!
It was a good time. I had double exercise. I was one tuckered out woman after that. Hmmm.

can you make a mountain out of a mole hill too?

2009-04-13T06:25:00.001-05:00

March 15th, 2009
Okay! I told him I would text him when I got home. I started to. Didn't finish. I did not want to worry him but I was still so upset.
I went to bed. He texted me in the AM, wanting to know if I was OK.
He then called at 8:15ish and left a message. Are you alright? Did you make it home OK? I am worried. Let me know you are OK.
I texted back I was OK.
So, he shows he cares, right?
This is normal. This is what he does. He cares.
Argh!
Am I making an issue when there is none? Possible. Very possible.
I need to talk to my Chickas.
Jenni. Thankfully we had a lunch date scheduled. She said there is no time frame to fall in love and she thinks he does care and would not string me along.
Aim! Amy I call for she knows what is up. She KNOWS. I was sabotaging this. STOP!
Alright I will.
I feel jipped. I didn't get my 2nd sex session!!! haha. Good Lord, what is he going to do when I loose this sex drive again?
I call him. Ask how his day was. We chat. I ask if he wants company later. He said yes. He is always up for seeing me.
I went over, again 9:00. We kiss and make up. Well, he has no idea there is a need to make up for this was all in my head, right? Poor soul.
I still got the make up sex.
Afterwards I cried. Just a little. Small tears came out for I was thinking how I could have screwed all this up. He asked what was wrong. I said nothing. He wanted to know what was right. I laughed. Cause you know, if nothing was wrong something had to be right to make me cry ...
I said everything was perfect.
I drove home this time with a smile on my face.

sabotage

2009-04-10T06:19:00.002-05:00

March 14th , 2009
I am so excited to see him.
It's a 9:20 showing. I get there. We watch TV. During the commercials I straddle him and we make out. I can tell he loves it but hates it too for when the show resumes I get right off and act like nothing happened.
Such a tease I am.
After the show I quit teasing. We get it ONNNNNNNN.
We are talking now. I ask if he has thought about when to meet each other's children. If he had any dates or time frames in his mind. He goes on about no time frames but he has thought about it. Thinks he will do it when his son is ready. His son is 5.
I ask "What does that mean when your son is ready?"
Mr Big Man says "Well children are never ready but when I think he is ready and he will be OK knowing Daddy has a special Lady friend. He figured out today I was talking to a woman on the phone."
I go silent. He asks if I thought of a time frame. I said I always had 6 months in my head. I go silent again.
My mind is turning. What does he mean when his son is ready? When is a 5 year old ever ready? His son is not acting out from the separation / divorce from over a year ago. His son has adjusted. What does he mean? Is this a bull shit answer?
He asks what I am thinking. It snaps me to attention. First thing I hear is the radio so I lie and say I am listening to the music.
He accepts. I know he is talking to me but I am not listening.
My mind goes back to racing. That IS a bull shit answer!!! What does this mean? He knows I love him. He has NOT said it back. I have not said it again to him.
Does he think he will never fall in love with me?
Oh. My. Word. He thinks he is never going to fall in love with me so we would never need to get the children involved. Oh. My. Word. I am freaking out now.
He's asleep.
Bastard. How can you fall asleep when I am freaking out??? How can you not love me? Well OK, I understand one does not choose to love someone but one can let the other go when they figure out they are not "the one" or they will never love the other.
Oh my. This is terrible. This is crushing.
The alarm goes off. Usually this signals our next sex session ... yes I know, odd but whatever, naps work for us.
I quickly get out of bed. I can't have sex with him right now. I have to leave. I have to leave now.
I get dressed. He gets up and walks me downstairs. I know he is confused but he is also sleepy. He won't ask questions now.
I give him a kiss good-bye. I act nice. I am not mean. But I HAVE TO FLEE NOW. Now before I break down and cry in front of him.
I get in the car and leave.
I cry the whole ride home. It's lonely at 2:00 AM.

yes, I am growing

2009-04-09T06:41:00.004-05:00

March 13th, 2009
My arm is bruised. Dark yellow and purple. Starts on the top of my hand where the IV was and twists down my inner arm until it reaches my elbow. It is also swollen. It still hurts.
I call the Doctor to see if this is normal. Yes the Nurse says.
"Oh, by the way, you are on my list to call. The MRI came in and there is no tumor. The Doctor is stumped. You should have one with all the symptoms you had. We have to send you to an Endocrinologist. Also all the blood work came back OK except the growth hormone was elevated."
Well at least I was not crazy when I said I grew!
I call Mr Big Man at work again. HOT DAMN. I like that voice mail. I mean seriously. He needs to talk to me like that all the time. The panties would drop! Anyways, I leave a message.
He calls me back. He starts talking about the hormone, gave it a name and what it could mean. I asked how did he know all this stuff?
"If there is something that effects someone I care about I will research it until I know everything. I can be obsessive on it. This was one outcome. I will have to look more into it to see what the next step is."
Mr Big Man googles everything! I tell him not to be Doogie Howser MD and let the Doctors freak me out, not him.
He agrees not to freak me out but he is still going to read up on it.

MRI day

2009-04-08T06:36:00.003-05:00

March 10th, 2009
I am on the sliding thing - you know the slidy thingy that goes into the tube. Knees elevated. They are trying to insert an IV in me. I tell them I have small veins and they should use the butterfly. I mean, yesterday they drew 4 tubes of blood so I know what I am talking about.
5 tries later they get it in. That freaking hurt! The IV is in my right hand... well the opposite side of my wrist, more towards the top of the hand than the arm. It still hurts. They inject some dye into the IV. I can taste it. Eww, metallic.
They secure my head. They ask what music I would like to listen to.
They push me into the tube. I close my eyes. I remember a friend telling me to tell them to turn the music up for the MRI makes loud noises. I yell that to them. The volume goes up.
There are clicks. Does that sound mean it is taking pictures or is it from something rotating in there? Click, click, click.
I try to relax but my hand / arm but it still hurts and if I turn it or hold it "wrong" I can feel the pull of the vein. It really does not feel good.
Just listen to the music. Relax. Reeeeelaaaaaaaaaax. Don't move that arm!
Hey this is a good song. I sing in my head.
Click, click, click, click , click.
This is not so bad.
Another good song.
hmmmm.
YANK!
They pulled me out. Whoa! What just happened? We're done? Oh, OK. That was not bad at all. In fact I may have started to drift off to sleep - with my arm at an awkward angle.
Results are going to my Doctor in about a week or less.
My arm still hurts. I take inventory and see 5 cotton balls on my arms. 3 on the left and 2 on the right. Don't they teach these people how to insert IV's into people with teeny veins?
I head back into work.

my soul to keep

2009-04-07T06:43:00.003-05:00

March 9th, 2009
We wake up normal week day morning time. He heads to the shower ... and well, you know what happens. If not, review some older posts.
On the drive to the Doctor's I recall how earnest he was in telling me to call him right away at his work. I never call his work. I have the number but I know how busy he is so I never bother. However with something like this, Mr Big Man wants to know right away.
The Doctor's office is very nice. I have never been here before, in fact Mr Big Man told me to try this place. This is where his Doctor is. The wait was short. The Doctor was super friendly as were the nurses.
I detail all my issues. She asks me more questions. I answer.
"Well, from what you told me this fits perfectly into the scenario that you have a tumor in or around your pituitary gland. We need to get a MRI done. This is not something to wait on, we need to act now."
They schedule it for tomorrow.
I removed myself from the situation so I was very calm. I took all the information on where the MRI was and how to prepare, etc. I am so very calm.
I call Mr Big Man. It goes to his voice mail. Well hot damn that is a sexy voice mail. How come he does not talk like that normally? I hang up and call back. WOW. I like!! That is one hell of a sexy voice mail. I will have to call every day to listen to that!! I leave a message telling him to call me and how much I enjoyed his voice mail.
I call my Dad and he is busy so I talk to my Step-Mom. I call my Mom.
Mr Big Man calls me back. I tell him what is up. The appointment is during lunch tomorrow. He asks if he could have lunch with me before or after the MRI. I want to but have to decline due to work.
As the day goes on I tell more people. They all tell me not to worry. It will be OK.
It will be OK, right? I can't die from this, right? I might have to have brain surgery but it will be OK, right? Right??
RIGHT!!????
I start to pray and one particular prayer comes to mind. Do you remember this?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
If I should die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take

Everything will be OK. It has to be.

hugs

2009-04-06T07:04:00.001-05:00

March 8th, 2009

I have a Doctors appointment tomorrow morning. This is to find out what is going on with me. The appointment is first thing in the morning. The Doctor's office is located in his town which is 30 minutes away from me.

I call Mr Big Man. I ask how much do you want to see me? I mean we were together Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday. He wants to know what is going on.

I am nervous. This could be terrible news. This could be no big deal news. This could be no news. I am nervous.

He tells me to come on up and he would love to have me.

I go.

The first thing he does when I walk in is give me a big hug. It's long, it's tight and it comforts. It's what I needed.

legs

2009-04-03T06:46:00.000-05:00

March 7th, 2009
Mr Big Man comes to my house this time. First time in a long time. I feel relief. Mother nature finally arrived and there is no sex. The first time in almost 2 months he comes to my house, there is no sex. Am I pissed off?
Not at all. Not at all. Surprised? I kinda was!
We watch TV. We like the same shows! We laugh at the same jokes. We laugh small or we laugh big but always the same. We are in sync. There were many me TOO moments.
We decide to get into bed, yes, knowing there is no sex. He pulls me close while we watch more TV. Our legs are intertwined. I decide to move my leg up and down his leg. I feel it. The comfort of him. The no drama. The peace. Sometimes the moments of peace overwhelm me. I am not use to it but I love it more than anything now. It's my salvation.
I stop moving my leg and become drowsy. We drift off to sleep. He has to wake up at 2:00 to leave. I tell him these are the moments I hate. The leaving at 2:00 AM. He agrees.
Hopefully sometime soon it will change.

coffee with cream please

2009-04-02T06:50:00.004-05:00

March 6th, 2009
Every morning after a sleep over he gets out of bed first. I get to snuggle into the covers where it is warm and cat nap.
I hear him turn the shower on. The tap, tap of the razor hitting the sink tells me he is shaving. I hear him get in the shower. I imagine the water flowing from the shower head and hitting his body. I love the sound of the water hitting the floor in big splashes.
The shower turns off. The towel comes off the shower door. Time for me to get up.
I walk into the bathroom. Usually he is hanging out in the closet picking out his clothes so he does not see the HUGE bed hair I have. I try to tap it down a bit so it is not so poofy. I weigh myself. The morning weight in is the most accurate one of the day, I believe this will all my heart! He walks out of the closet to greet me. Sometimes I let him read the numbers ... sometimes I don't. I make some mention of the moon effecting the scale weights.
He leaves to let the dogs out.
I brush my teeth, take my shower, do my hair and make up and get dressed. I make his bed.
When I walk into the kitchen I find him eating breakfast and he has a hot cup of coffee with creamer all ready for me.
He offers me breakfast, I turn it down and take the coffee. Give him a kiss and he walks me to my car.
I get another kiss and off I go driving during the sunrise to work.
I love that from day 1 he has made me coffee. Just for me. Not him, just for me.

alarms ringing

2009-04-01T06:49:00.001-05:00

March 5th, 2009
Sleep Over! Oh how I love thee. We get to spend a lot of time with each other and I get to sleep when I am tired. I tell you, the evenings when I get there at 9:00 and leave at 11:00ish are very draining. The next day I am exhausted. This short girl needs sleep!
We decided to try something different for dinner and go eat at Dillions. Yes, the grocery store! They re-vamped the one next to a new upscale Wal-Mart that will be opening soon. Yes I typed that right, an upscale Wal-mart. Oxymoron, huh?
Dillions went all fancy schmancy and they have a buffet line / restaurant style food area. In the dining area there are leather seats, real silverware, a fire place!!!, I mean this is nice. In a Dillions! I want one of them here.
We get our food and just as we are getting our drinks and to sit down the fire alarm goes off. It is loud. There is an alarm every 4-5 feet from each other. WE ARE YELLING TO TALK. WE YELL THAT WE NEED TO MOVE AS FAR AWAY FROM THE ALARMS AS POSSIBLE. WE YELL AS WE MOVE TABLES. PEOPLE ARE YELLING IN NORMAL CONVERSATION. IT IS VERY LOUD. WE LAUGH. OUR EARS HURT. WE YELL UNTIL THE ALARM GOES OFF. THE ALARM DOES NOT GO OFF FOR A SOLID 10 MINUTES.
When the fire men saunter in to turn the alarm off and we hear the sweet sound of silence that is when we realize we are still yelling at each other. It was pretty funny.
We then decided since we were at Dillions we needed to go grocery shopping. And we did! Are we boring or what? In truth, I like it.
Due to the new birth control pills we have to go back to using condoms for a bit. Well, the whore went away for almost 3 months. The whore is back! I begged him - yes BEGGED him to go in without one. He said no. Damn it!!!
An hour later after the sex hormones and dopamine go down I am thankful he tells me no. This man catches me. Every.single.time.

I hate me right now. I hate me! And I hate you and you and you

2009-03-31T07:00:00.007-05:00

March 1st - March 4th, 2009
This was a hard day. And a hard post.
I wrote the title of this post as a thought bubble for all my friends to see in cyber land. I was desperate for help. I lost hope.
I started birth control pills in January. I have not had any good reactions to them.
Last month during the PMS time I was not "me". I was angry and sad. It lasted for 2 days maybe ...
This month starting on March 1st I really was not me.
I was so angry. I punched a wall. I am not a violent person in any way shape or form.
I was so depressed I wanted to die. I thought I did not deserve to live. My daughter will be better off without a crazy mom. I am an optimistic person and value life so this is not me either.
I was so sad I could not stop crying. I cried because the sun was setting. I cried because I could not control this. I cried because ... I cried for no reason most of the time. I cried so hard I had the hiccups. I cried so hard my eyes were swollen and looked like I was stung by a bee on the eyelids. I cried so hard I did not know how to breathe.
All of these were cycling. I would go to one mood then the other. 10 minutes later to another mood. There was never happiness. There was never calm. There was no positive. There was no hope.
I always have hope. To loose it, well, I was a mess.
I called my X and asked him to keep our daughter. I told him I did not feel well when in fact I was afraid of her seeing me like this.
I was in bad shape.
I could not stop breaking down.
I believe it was Sasha that told me to call the DR immediately. I did. They told me to stop taking the pills, come get a new pack (different brand) and start them when my new cycle starts. I was a good 2 weeks before I "should" start. This PMS started really early.
I stopped the pills. I was no longer angry the next day but sad and depressed. Once again I called my X to keep our daughter.
I told Mr Big Man what I did. He wanted me to go up there. I warned him - said it was not a good idea, I was a cry baby. He said he had a big shoulder to cry on. Get my ass over there.
I went over.
He made me dinner. He asked me to help by stirring the rice. I was mopey but not crying. Then I saw him make the chicken and I thought I would have no idea how to cook the food like that. The tears came. Fast. I had to run to the bathroom. I cried. It seemed like forever. The lights were out. He was singing. I calmed backed down and went back to the kitchen. He pulled me close, kissed my head and gave me a hug. He said nothing.
Later I was sitting on the stairs while we were talking or maybe he was picking up. I heard a song on the radio ... I don't remember what it was but it was a love song. I started crying again. He sat next to me and put his arm around my shoulder. He also held my hand. I didn't want him to know I was crying again but it was kind of hard to hide.
Again he said nothing about the crying. He kissed me on the head and squeezed my shoulder. He held me, cracking jokes until I stopped crying.
I cried in bed too. Not during sex but while trying to sleep. I don't think he knows. This time I cried because I felt I hit the jack pot on boyfriends and felt my hope again. I missed my hope and I am glad he brought it back. To feel hopeless is a bad, bad thing.

red wine or white wine?

2009-03-30T07:30:00.001-05:00

February 28th, 2009

How could I forget this?! My birthday was a few days ago and I was not able to see Mr Big Man. He did wish me a happy birthday by singing me a voice mail. He was a male Marilyn Monroe. Very sexy! Very cute.

I went to dinner with a lot of my friends and I happily skipped out of there at 9:00 to go see Mr Big Man. I was to collect my birthday gift.

He was acting all smooth and suave and told me he had to show me these cool tools he got. Oh ya, that sounds like fun!

He brings me this wicker basket and tells me to open it. I look at him. I look at the basket. "Is a snake gonna come out?"

He laughs and says no.

I open it very slowly.

It's a picnic basket!! That's my present! It has a picnic blanket, wine bottle and opener, wine glasses, cheese, crackers ... I mean this thing was loaded with a romantic wine picnic! I was so touched. It is very beautiful.
We were in bed later and my head was on his chest. His arm was stroking my back. He said "I have always told you I am an understated man. I really care about you."

I said "I don't understand when you say that to me. What do you mean?"

"I really care about you" is all he would say.

He then kissed my head and we drifted off to sleep.

worry wart

2009-03-27T07:03:00.001-05:00

February 25th, 2009

So he did not say he loved me but I know Mr Big Man cares.

I went to my OB/GYN Doctor the other day for my yearly exam. I found out I grew. In height. No kidding!! After puberty I think we should be done growing, don't you? It was not a lot but it was there. I have always been 5' 1/2 an inch since I hit my height and now I am 5' 1 3/4.

Also with the increased sex drive, the headaches, the crazy moodiness and everything else, this does not look good to me.

It does not look good to him either. He was asking me for all my symptoms and asking more questions. He was being Dr. Big Man! It was sweet.

He sat me down and told me that he was worried and really wanted me to look into things to make sure all is well. The combo of everything points to a tumor (non cancerous) and he strongly urges me to see another Doctor. He said again he really cared about me and he was worried and wanted me to make sure I was OK.

Looking at him made me realize he was taking this seriously and he went out of his way to talk to me about this (I kept trying to change the subject) and it did amaze me how much research and time he put into this.

It warms my heart even more. Time to make the appointment!

with these 3 words

2009-03-26T06:54:00.001-05:00

February 16th, 2009
We went to dinner at a Japanese restaurant. All during dinner I kept looking at him, wanting to tell him something but I couldn't.
We made it back to his house.
I was cold and he pulled me to him and we swayed back and forth. He just let the dogs out.
His arms were around me and I had my hands between us ... trying to stay warm.
I said "Can I ruin this moment?" It was peaceful. He said "You can do whatever you want."
I started ... "Remember the email I sent you over the weekend. It said I read 2 things and thought that is SOOO me and I FEEL it? One thing I told you ... it was 'Your smile makes me want to misbehave' and the other started out with 'Oh FUCK'."
"Yes I remember. You were going to tell me in person what the 'Oh FUCK' meant."
I stayed quiet. Then I began again. "Well it ends like this ..." I couldn't say it. I took deep breaths. He squeezed me tighter. My face was turned sideways. I was not looking at him. I can do this, I thought. I have to do this, I thought. I told my cyber friends I was going to do this! Loudly I said "OH FUCK" and I looked up into his eyes and continued "I love you". Oh fuck, I said it. Out loud. To HIM.
He smiled. Said "I really, really, dig your chili."
I'm serious.
I start laughing. "What does THAT mean??!!!" I ask him as I am still laughing.
He says "I can't say I love you right now. I will only say it when I feel it. I do like you. I really really like you."
I accept this. But he really digs my chili??? haha
I have never made chili for him. He just made that up.
I do love him. And he really really digs me. And my chili. He cracks me up. I want to keep him. Maybe forever.

Happy Valentines Day

2009-03-25T06:53:00.001-05:00

February 14th, 2009
All the way up until the 11th I "knew" I would be able to spend V-Day with Mr Big Man but I also "knew" I would not be able to see him until the 9:00 hour.
On the 11th he said he got a baby sitter and we would have a proper date.
That meant so much to me.
I arrived at his house around 7:30 and asked where are we going?
He did not make plans. Are you kidding??? It's Valentine's Day!! He said he called around and most places had a long wait. Ya! It's Valentine's Day!! We would play it by ear.
You know, at least he put effort into getting a babysitter, right?
We ended up at the same brewery of our first date. That kinda fits doesn't it?
I don't remember what was said but we indicated it was a table for 2. I turned to him and looked lovingly into his eyes and gave a little smile. I couldn't help it. He looked so kissable and I had to pull him down to me to kiss. It was a quick one but sweet. The server saw then says "please follow me." We are still looking into each others eyes and Mr Big Man says "after you sister."
I said "OH.MY.GAWD." Then I hit him. Not hard mind you, just a how dare you say that slap on the belly.
The servers face goes into shock mode then she starts laughing.
It was pretty funny.
We had a great meal and head back to his house.
The TV was on Sports Center - the baby sitter is a male Senior in High School - and we sit and chat for a bit while Mr Big Man makes sure Little Man is sleeping.
The baby sitter leaves.
Mr Big Man and I talk, we just enjoy the time. That is until he realized Sports Center is on. His mind zeros in there. I was like Oh NO! Sports Center is not taking Mr Big Man away from me on Valentine's Day! I decided to be naughty and give him a present. A present with my mouth. That was given below the belt. **oh no she didn't!!** Oh yes I did!
That took his mind off of Sports Center! Isn't that every sport enthusiast males ultimate dream?? Well I gave it to him.
I was well rewarded later.
It was a passionate night.

shout outs

2009-03-24T06:43:00.002-05:00

February 10th, 2009
Ok, I know I have make jokes about his stamina. Truth be told he is amazing. Mr Big Man has high stress at work, gets little sleep, forgets to eat (recall the Rules post) and IS 41. He is very impressive.
We usually go once. Wait anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour later and go again. The waiting it not waiting for him to recover, it's just we start talking or whatever until one of us gets back in the mood.
This time, this time was special. It was amazing! I have to call it our best sex ever.
It was the true slam bam thank you ma'am with hot and heavy and hard thrown in. Yummy! Well he was done and I was not. I was still moving around a bit and then wow! He starts up all over again. I don't think it was 2 minutes. I know he did not have time to ahh ... deflate completely. It was impressive. I was proud! He went long time the second time! Yippee!!! He would blush and growl my name if he knew I was talking about this! haha

I was very vocal. Afterwards I did say "that was THE.BEST.SEX.EVER!"
Hey! We gotta give the man his props.
Standing applause in this corner!

hit and run please

2009-03-23T06:57:00.004-05:00

February 8th, 2009
So I am a little crazy. I never claimed I was not.
Since getting on the birth control pills I am not myself. The sex drive has gone back to normal I think but other than that ... I have insane mood swings. Kinda scary. Kinda crazy. He sees them. Mr Big Man knows what is up and does not freak out. He said he figured it would take 2 months or so to level out in me.
Hopefully that is true. Gotta love a man that can take the crazy moods in stride.
So, I asked him this day if he remembers the 31st of January. He said yes and told me all about it.
Then he goes into telling me how he talks about me. His family knows about me. His friends. His neighbors. {side note here. on one visit I walked in the door and his phone rings. I heard him laugh and then hang up. He said it was his neighbor and they said "atta boy" and hung up. how funny is that?!}
Mr Big Man said everyone wants to meet me. I thought that was great but I was thinking I did not know how we would work it since we have our children opposite weekends. He also said his mom will tell him if I need to go. She was silent on his marriage and was not going to be silent anymore.
Oh no!! I want a hit and run meeting. Meet the parents. Walk out. He said no. Damn!

so there are warts.

2009-03-20T07:37:00.002-05:00

February 6th, 2009
Na na na na naaa. I get another sleep over. Hell ya!
This time it was not due to our custody schedules matching or some pre-arranged custody schedule change. No, this time I got an over night baby sitter. Grandpa & Grandma to the rescue.
They have been asking for this for about a year now. I finally gave in. I felt guilty as hell but know this is not a bad thing. Every one won. That's a good thing.
I still felt guilty.
Mr Big Man picks me up in the big city where my Dad and Step Mom live. We are having an official date. We are going to a dinner then a movie. Our first movie.
So far I think we have both been on our best behavior. Tonight I get to see some warts. There was terrible traffic. He make it late to my Dad's. The traffic to the movies was bad. We ran out of time to go out to eat.
Subway to the rescue. So we thought. They have a drive thru! How cool is that? We sit and wait and wait. We talk to screen. Nothing. OK, do we go in? We are in a hurry! The movie starts in 20 minutes. Ok, lets go in.
The lady behind the counter moves sloooooooowly. So sloooooooowly. The ham is put on perfect. Oh wait! Let's adjust it some more. There, perfect. The cheese is layed down so gently. It also needs to be adjusted.
He was frustrated. I can tell he wanted to YELL "JUST HURRY UP!!!!!!" But he didn't. I started laughing. He walked away for he was so frustrated. I kept laughing.
10 minutes later we left. He was bitchin about Subway the whole time. Ya, they were so damn slow. It was amazing. We got to the movies with 6 minutes to start time.
I have told you this before, Mr Big Man is 6'4. I am 5' 1/4 inch. He was walking quickly. I had to jog to keep up. I yelled "HELLO? There is a short woman here. Slow down!"
He took my hand and walked faster. I was dying with laughter at this point. And running!
We picked up our pre-paid tickets and stood in line to get our drink. We picked the shortest line.
Murphy's Law kicked in.
10 minutes or so later, we were able to purchase our $18 drink and popcorn. At this point he starts laughing too. Nothing has gone right.
Again we run to the room showing the movie. It was 'PUSH' by the way. We made it in RIGHT before the movie started. We missed all the previews. His favorite part.
The movie was good.
On the drive to his house I called my Dad to see how my daughter was. Just fine, she went to bed without any problems. That made me feel better.
We make it to his house. I get all ready for bed again. Hair up, make-up off, teeth brushed. I walk to him where he is sitting on the bed.
He made love to me last time. It was my turn to make love to him. I did. It was great. It was great. It was great. It was great. I think it was great. It was full of my love.

slow, sweet, tender

2009-03-19T07:10:00.000-05:00

February 5th, 2009
We got another sleep over!!! I do not know how I am getting these to happen but I am loving it! We are playing adult house.
We go out to eat for dinner and just have a good time. Lots of laughs as always.
This night is important for another milestone was hit.
There is sex. There is animal sex or the "F" word. There is making love.
We have always just had sex or animal sex.
For the first time he made love to me. It was slow. It was sweet. It was tender. It was romantic. It was truly intimate.
I, of course, had to call him out.
I said "You realize you just made love to me, right?"
Mr Big Man was quiet. Thinking. He slowly nods and says something like he could not argue with me on that.

He protects

2009-03-18T07:14:00.002-05:00

February 4th, 2009
Chatting on the phone again we talk about how this blog is going. He wanted to know if I still wrote. He wanted to know how everything was going. He knows the address but does not visit the web site.
So he claims.
I have the widget / counter / thingy that tells me who visits my page. I can see where they are from. YES I collect your cookies! So far his town has not shown yet.
However another town has. One town in particular that keeps popping up. Over and over again. It's my stalker. I tell Mr Big Man about this.
He is calm for he is always calm but his calm changes. He moves into this James Bond calm. Give me details. More details. I will look into this. I will make sure you are OK. I will ... I will ... I will...
He will protect me.
It's cute!
So my stalker ... Mr Big Man knows all about you. Plus he has added a new personality? Oh gosh! I can't add another nickname!! He already has - what - three?! I guess James Bond will have to combine with Mr Big Man.

officially official

2009-03-17T07:04:00.003-05:00

February 3rd, 2009
I am gonna claim this. Mr Big Man loves me too. He either does not want to say it, does not realize it or I am plain wrong. Let's stick with the first 2 shall we?
On the phone I am sitting on a step stool in the kitchen. All the lights are out except for the low light above the sink.
We are talking about us. One of MY favorite subjects. I tell Mr Big Man I want an anniversary date. We can go with when we first discovered each other on Plenty of Fish (POF), first phone call, first date, first time with sex ... whatever I am open.
He thinks we should go with first date. I said OK. That is December 2nd, 2008.
We are 2 months old.
I ask him if he is bothered by me wanting an official anniversary date. He said no. It was something that mattered enough to me to ask for it so he was going to give me it.
He says such things to me often. I think he means it.
He is SUCH a good man. Such a good man Charlie Brown. Did I tell you that is one of his nick names?? Ahh, Charlie Brown. I am blessed to know you.

I felt like cleaning the mirror

2009-03-16T10:58:00.003-05:00

January 31st, 2009
Part deux
I forgot to mention this and I wanted to add it because I thought it was too funny. I am so relaxed with this man.
After the night out with his friends we come back to his house. He is letting the dogs out and I tell him I am going to get ready for bed.
I do! I totally put my PJs on, I take off my make-up ... he has seen me without make-up people!!! ... and I start to brush my teeth.
He comes up and he is talking to me while I do this. When I am done I clean the toothbrush and tap it against the sink. You know, to get the extra water off. Well I am doing this tapping rather well and water goes flying all over the mirror. All over! Even at the very tippy top!
He does not realize this until I start laughing then he was like "what are you doing to my mirror?".
I know, I know you HAD to be there but it was very funny.
He gets to see the make-up free, mess makin', hair in pony tail, PJ wearin, needing to step on the scale and see how much I weight ... no he checks while I cover my eyes, tired and ready to go to bed kinda gal I am.
And he still likes me!

6" stilettos

2009-03-13T07:01:00.004-05:00

January 31st, 2009
I have wanted this from him. I have craved the passion. I have missed it.
I got it.
Friday was our 2nd sleep over.
I sent him a naughty email during the day telling him a fantasy I had for this evening. I said I was wearing a dress and that he needed to take advantage of that. That is all I am sharing with you! Use your imagination. hehe
So, I leave work at 5 and go to my hair appt. I get a hair cut and she curls my hair at the end. Big, sexy, romantic curls. Mr Big Man likes curly hair.
I arrive at his place. I am so excited! Did he read my email? Is he going to "follow the instructions" of the fantasy?
OH! HOW CAN I FORGET TO TELL YOU THIS!!!
I am wearing a dress. Yes, I know I told you that already ... but with the dress I am wearing my 6" stiletto high heels. I am hot.
He has the garage open for me to park in. I love that he gives me the garage. This is a trend I hope he continues.
I leave all my over night stuff in the car.
I walk into the house.
You hear the click click click click of the heels on his hard wood floor. I love that sound.
The dogs start barking. They come down to greet me. "Mr Big Man" I call. Yes I call him Mr Big Man in person too (not all the time mind you). I stop in the living room by the couch.
I hear him coming down the stairs. My heart is pounding. It was a hot fantasy. GAWD!! Did he read the email???
He sees me. His eyes get big and he gives me a big smile. "You are fucking HOT" he says.
I smile back.
He comes to me and kisses me. Softly at first then more aggressively. He stops and takes off my panties.
Oh my word! Are you as hot and bothered as I am??
He starts to have sex with me. All of a sudden he lifts me up and carries me up the stairs to his bedroom. I am still wearing the heels and the dress. He is inside me the whole way up.
We fall to the bed.
THIS is passion people! Holy hot shit. It was amazing. It was sexy. It was powerful. I think I will need to wear the heels more often.
Afterwards, as we leave the house to meet his friends for dinner, I ask him if I should put the panties back on or leave them off. He tells me to leave them off.
Yummy!
I do. We have a good time with his friends. Several times during dinner and drinks I would catch him from the corner of my eye staring at me. I would see his small smile. I know what he was thinking.
In the morning, after having sex again, we are on our backs and my arm is up over my head and we are holding hands. There was silence. No talking. No music. No TV. Nothing. I think this is the most beautiful moment right now. It it real. It is what I have been missing. I love you. Where have you been? I am glad I found you. I love you. I do not tell him this. I do say to him "Mr Big Man, remember this moment. Look at the time. Remember the day. Remember what we are doing and how you feel. Remember this moment. In the future I will tell you why I wanted you to remember it." He looks around. Checks the time. Looks at me.
"I will remember it" he says.
It was so peaceful.
He made me breakfast. As I was leaving I asked "do you remember the moment?"
He says, "I do. I remember the day, January 31, 2009, 9AM, we were in bed, we were holding hands, I remember what you were wearing - nothing but a sheet that was only covering half your legs and I remember what your face looked like. I remember what your breasts looked like. You were beautiful. I remember."
How long do I / can I keep this secret to myself? I am in love.

Brings me to center

2009-03-12T12:19:00.001-05:00

January 29th, 2009
I am driving down the road. In my own little world. It's been a rough day. Emotionally and physically. My mood is off. I am unhappy.
The phone rings. It is Mr Big Man. Do I answer? I'd really rather be alone and be unhappy by myself.
However I do like him. Ring, ring.
I better answer.
I do. He starts off all happy and chipper. Asks how I am. He knew from earlier I was not having a good day. I told him it was the same. He does not try to "fix" the situation as most men do. He listens. He did the "aha" and "oh" at the right times. After I vented I felt better! I told him so. He said he was glad for he did not like to see me that way. He cared about me. Wants me to be happy and healthy and he would do what is needed to get that done. Again he said he cares about me.
When Mr Big Man said that to me I had a fleeting thought. It came and went very quickly.
Can you guess what it was?
I bet you can. It was I love you.
I am not sure if I really think that or not. One thing I am sure of is Mr Big Man knows what to say to me. He knows how to bring me back to center. That I do love about him. THAT I have not found before in a boyfriend.
Two times I have thought I love you. I guess 3rd time is the charm??

Daydream

2009-03-09T07:20:00.000-05:00

January 26th, 2009
I am reading a book. It is a very good book.
There is a scene where the women in the neighborhood are getting together and all the children are together at one house where the men are watching the kids.
The women are having a ball together.
I put the book down and image myself in that situation. I daydream.
After the fun with the women we go back and mingle with the men and the children. I go to Mr Big Man.
I sit on his lap and give him a kiss while watching our children play. I then turn to look at him and say "I love you. This is a perfect moment. You are holding me. Our children are playing with the other kids in the neighborhood. Everyone is laughing and smiling. What a perfect moment. I love you."
I snap out of the daydream.
Holy crap! Did I just say I love you? AND TWICE AT THAT!
Scary daydreams!! Don't come around no more and cause trouble! You hear me???!!!

Rules Rules and more Rules

2009-03-06T06:58:00.000-06:00

January 25th, 2009
Seriously? We have rules? We are 2.5 months in (approx) and I had to throw out rules? Can you image his thought process when I told him I needed to start rules between us? haha
I bet I scared the crap out of him. hahaha
Sorry Mr Big Man.
Ready to hear my disgusting rules?
Rule #1. Get sleep.
Rule #2. Eat
Rule #3. Scratch that itch!
These terrible rules were brought into the relationship because this man … this Mr Big Man had a terrible habit of staying up to late and then he has an excuse that he can not perform 5 times a night because he is TIRED. Big baby.
Plus he “forgets” to eat and when I get there he has his food in the microwave and I have to wait for him to eat ... and digest ... before I get to be the whore like me.
And then he can only scratch that itch so much because he is tired AND food deprived.
Insane man. Heed these rules! Obay them! Never break from them!!
He agreed to my rules. Said they are very important. He especially values rule #3.
He is so fun to play with!

Our Saturday

2009-03-05T06:56:00.000-06:00

January 21st, 2009
Mr Big Man and I decided to ditch the condoms and go flesh to flesh. I really wanted this. I love the knowledge of what is being pushed into me and the power of those pushes. The climax of a man rocks.
We had a STD talk and there are no worries there.
I started on birth control pills earlier this month and the pills say to wait a week before relying on them as the only form of protection. I saw him day 8. This was Friday night last week. We talked about how we were going to do this.
He did not want to take any chances. Mr Big Man said he would go without a condom but would not release in me. I was like “WHAT!” That was the point, you know!!
I asked “Today is Friday and if we had sex every day what day would you come in me?” He said Saturday. Yeah, that is being safe! Instead of day 7 you will go day 8? Whatever. I will never understand how a man thinks sometimes. I made him promise he would deliver on Saturday.
I did not get to see him on Saturday. In fact, Sunday through Tuesday went by too. I was not able to see him until Wednesday night.
It was a perfect Wednesday night. We played house. I got my first sleep over and brought my over night bag!!
Mr Big Man cooked me dinner. People! How do I keep getting guys to cook me dinner? I mean I never have to cook for them! I need to keep this up somehow.
The meal was good. It was a rather quiet meal. I helped with the clean up and even washed dishes. Hand washed! I told Mr Big Man I must really like him to do that. He said he noticed and he was impressed. He is very aware I hate to hand wash dishes. I was lucky to get a big ol kiss.
We did some errands, puttered around. Seriously! Just like date 2, we left the house and ran errands! After coming back to his house it was time to go upstairs.
I love walking up the stairs. I always start to get giddy.
I am sitting on the bed. He gets undressed, no biggy, just so very casual. He climbs into bed. I stare at him. I look into his eyes and take my clothes off. I can tell that turned him on big time!
We kiss. Lots of kisses. Long kisses. I am at an awkward angle so I swing my leg over and straddle him. He goes in. I whisper “today is our Saturday.” He stops kissing me and looks at me hard. He pulls me closer to him and goes to town.
I love how I do not need to explain myself. I say something random and he knows what I am talking about.
Afterwards we are laying in bed and talking. I said “you know you have to wake me up in the middle of the night and we have to have sex again.”
“Yes, I will wake you up in the middle of the night” Mr Big Man says.
“You promise?” I whispered this. My eyes were closed.
“That I promise” he whispered back. His voice was husky.
He kept his promise. He always does.

Caution: Move with care

2009-03-04T07:18:00.000-06:00

January 19th, 2009
Things are going really well with Mr Big Man and I.
We are still going at it like bunnies. It keeps getting better. The last sex clocked in at an hour. A freaking hour! I had the most intense orgasm ever. It included huge involuntary ab crunches! Oh my word it was fabulous. I am still the whore with him and proud of it.
Let’s get off of sex for a bit. I know, I know, a journal without sex is so unlike me. Whatever, get over it!
This whole time I have been nervous. I was thinking I really like him but something is missing. What is missing? Something. This is not good. Does it mean I need to end it because I am not in “love” or have the thoughts I am in love when I really am not? AKA confusing lust with love.
I am impatient and thought ah bah humbug. It should be there; maybe not true love but the lust / love thing. What is missing?
Let’s analyze. I am at peace with him. Total peace. I do not recall ever being at peace with someone. With Mr P there was no peace, it was electricity all the time. Constant nerves and fear I would push him away by being too into him. With my X there was arguing over everything. We had lots and lots of passion about everything. We never had calm.
So I am at peace. On Friday the 16th I asked him when I was going to see him again. It was decided next Friday the 23rd. Normally I would feel … shy if you will, ahh, I would feel apprehensive to say I did not want to wait that long. I would accept and suffer. I know, I know, totally against what I would do in the real world with my friends.
This time I told him I wanted to add Wednesday night in too. I was not apprehensive. I was not nervous. I did not feel like I was being pushy or over bearing. I just told him what I wanted.
He said yes. We added that date in.
It was simple. It was easy. Like always.
I think that is what is missing. The struggle. I always had a struggle. I always had some unease about the relationship. I did not know where I stood, I did not want to push him, I needed to play the game, I could not let on how I feel, I could not talk to them like a real person for they were animals that scared easily … move with caution …
There is no struggle here.

He agreed

2009-03-03T07:13:00.002-06:00

January 13th, 2009
It is in the evening and we are on our usual late night phone call. I am pacing while I am talking, nothing new there.
Somehow we get on the subject of marriage. I bet I brought it up! Well we are on the subject and I blurted this out:
"If you ask me to marry you and IF I say yes then we would need to go to marriage counseling before we got married."
He was not stunned.
He was not scared.
He agreed with me. Said it was a great idea. We would do that.
He said when he gets married he wants it to be forever.
ME TOO!!!
I love love it when we agree on things.

PS I think I try to scare him on purpose ... sabotage it if you will ... but he never takes the bait! Mr Big Man is so laid back. I've never met anything like him.

Funny hardy hard har

2009-03-02T20:18:00.000-06:00

January 12th, 2009
I am playing here.
When my boobies decided to grow to huge proportions to my body I also experienced an increased sex drive. Wow, fun, great, right? Ah no. I have never had a sex drive this big. I can't have enough. I want it now. No, NOW. No, I am not kidding, right freaking now. I want it to last hours. No joke.
I should be hooking up with a man that has the sex drive of a 22 year old.
So, it was great and wonderful with Mr Big Man the first time. 5 times. HOWEVER it was not long enough. Maybe 15 minutes each "session" Ya, ya, first time jitters is the excuse I heard.
So, the second night we went 2 times. There was a time frame involved so I had to leave after the 2nd time. By the way I wanted it again, for 2 times was not enough. And again it was not as long. Maybe 20 minutes. What can that time frame be blamed on?
So the third time was 3 times. No time frame. I actually made a comment that I needed to look at the clock to see how long we went. I did not tell him why but again it was not long enough. Maybe 20 minutes. This is driving me batty. I am officially a whore. A non-paid whore.
Let's break it down. This is the sex drive of a Miss Darling Nikki:
New relationship sex drive (bunnies)Increased hormone sex drive (booby thing)Regular sex drive
Three sex drives going on for me.
I do not think he can keep up with me. I think I could go happily every day at least 3 times. That would be at a minimum. My usual would be 2-3 times a week at a MAX.
When he left on Saturday night I asked when we are going to see each other again. His first response was Friday. I thought I would kill him. I am sure he saw the daggers from my eyes. He then added Tuesday night too.
I did start BC pills on Thursday. I am hoping it will curtail this sex drive. Right now what it is doing is making me a beyotch. I am a horny beyotch. A moody horny beyotch. What a sexy combo.
I am playing here.
Not really.

Ride em Cowboy!

2009-02-27T06:17:00.000-06:00

January 9th, 2009
Setting the stage: Mr Big Man received spurs as a Birthday gift from his work. He is not sure why but they are pretty cool. Very nice spurs at that! They are expensive.
Mr Big Man has a 4 poster bed. A manly 4 poster bed, not a girly one! He doesn't wear spurs. At least I do not think so ... He decided to put them on one of the posts. On top of the spurs he hung his cowboy hat. I went to Mr Big Man's house last night.
The stage: In bed. Second round. I'm on top. It's the serious sex. The heavy kissing and the perfect rhythm. We are in the grove and just feeling. The tempo increases. The hearts are pounding. I sit up. The tempo increases more. Oh this feels so good. With every move there is now a JINGLE JINGLE JINGLE JINGLE! The spurs WALK down the bed post. The jingle is very loud.
It was so freaking funny. I sputtered out "Ride em Cowboy!" That made us laugh even harder. I said I am gonna "so journal this" and he groaned but kept laughing. We had to stop the sex for we were laughing too hard. Finally Mr Big Man ended up sitting up and flipping me over onto my back. I was close to the edge of the bed. We started up again and with the movement I was pushed closer and closer and then over the side of the bed. I was so far over I could not stay on and we fell to the floor! I fell to the freakin floor people!
Have you ever fallen to the floor with sex? Have you ever had spurs walk down the bed post during sex?
That was the funniest sex I ever had. I swear the memories we have will stay with us - at least me - forever.

Apples to Oranges

2009-02-26T06:16:00.004-06:00

January 8th, 2009
We are officially together now. I get the Big "E". Exclusive!! I have a boyfriend. It's odd knowing ... the guess work is gone. I like it.
And oh my gosh it just hit me. Like, right now at 11:04 AM at work. The slap did not hurt but it was a nice revelation. I like Mr Big Man. Big time. I do. I mean, no love here but I am SOOOOO into him. I am thinking about him all the time now. He is such a good man. He treats me well.
He told me he would treat me right even if it means he has to make tough choices. Has a man ever told you that? No one has ever said that to me before. Besides telling me, I have seen actions of it. He has already made a tough choice and has stuck to it to treat me right. I have a dreadful secret. I kept comparing him to Mr P. Terrible I know. I think it's time to stop.
With Mr P there was so much passion. Electricity would be bouncing off of us in a room. I had to touch him. I had no choice, my hand just moved on it's own ... or you know, he grabbed it. There was all that intimacy. I could not control it. He controlled it! I wanted it to stop, don't you remember? He pushed it further and deeper and would not stop. The shower, the being carried down the hall and other things that I did not share. How he would move with me, react to me ... touch me during sex was not ... "normal". He was like a man possessed. As y'all know he was not such a good match for me. DUH! He dumped me. I did have feelings for him. I was not in love, I was in lust. Extreme, dramatic, overwhelming, mind consuming lust. How can one NOT compare others to that???
Mr Big Man I can talk to. I can share with. I can be ME. I AM me! We laugh. A lot. We play. I tell him he has multiple personalities. One is Charlie Brown - "you are such a good man, Charlie Brown" when he does something above the call of duty. One is Joey - when he is being sexy and asking "How you doin" in the Joey from Friends voice. One is Mr Big Man when he is being ... well Mr Big Man. He enjoys it. He plays along. We do not have that passion, not the passion I had with Mr P. Now, when we are making out he rocks my world. Our one night of sex was yummy. I definitely want it again.
We do not have the intimacy. I told him I did not want it. It scares me. Especially at the beginning of a relationship. Especially when I am being pushed into it. He understood and said OK. He would wait but not for long. He prefers to "make love" instead of animal sex. Besides we both agreed once sex starts feelings are skewed and what is lust can be mistaken for love. Is it too early for me to say screw it and give me the intimacy? I mean he is going to do it anyways. I WANT it with Mr Big Man. I did not want it with Mr P. When Mr Big Man gives me the intimacy can I still be the whore I want to be with him? Hmm, how do you mix that together??
Maybe I should give a silent shout out to Mr P for showing me this side of myself. Showing me how powerful it is. I never had it with anyone else.
I asked Mr Big Man for permission the other night to continue writing these journals. I asked him because I am sharing personal details here. When he meets y'all will he be OK knowing that YOU know we had sex 5 times in one night the first time? Will he be OK knowing that YOU know I call him Mr Big Man for more than one reason? Well I guess he doesn't care. He wants me to continue! He is OK with it. He supports my writing.
I am not sure how I can "top" them. Hopefully he will have something up his sleeve. Remember, I let go and he catches. He always catches me when I fall. Maybe I will get the intimacy I want. If I do, y'all better strap yourselves in!
It might be one wild ride!!!

PS I am not going to change my writing because my momma does not listen to me and decides to read my journals.

PPS I saw a shooting star last night for the first time in a long time. I made a wish. I wished he was the one.

PPPS And leave comments! I get a kick out of reading what you say.

Mr Big Man keeps going and going and going …

2009-02-25T08:20:00.002-06:00

January 4th, 2009
Geez! I hope my mom does not read this. However she reminded me when I was younger I had a tendency to write about all my personal "stuff" and leave it for her to find. What a terrible daughter I was!!
I see Mr Big Man Friday night. There was a celebration and I meet 3 sets of couples that are his friends. One friend he has known for over 20 years! I was with Mr Big Man until 2:00ish AM. The lot of us had a lot of fun and it was nice to meet some of his friends.
His parents were still visiting his house so we HAD to wait until Saturday to get it on for the first time. However, that did not stop us from making out in his laundry room!!! It was hysterical when his mom comes into the kitchen and he is like "stay here!!!" Oh my word, how old are we? Whose house is this? Oh, it was funny. However I agree, that is not the way to meet the mother.
Saturday. I sleep most of the day! I woke up due to a phone call from Sasha going "Ah, Darling Nikki, where are you?" It was 9:10ish and I was to be at the coffee shop at 9:00. EEK! I was there in a flash. Came home, went back to bed. He sends me a text saying he is looking forward to tonight. He leaves me a message that his parents are gone and we are gonna GET IT ON!
I did not respond to the text or voice mail. I was sleeping, remember? I called him after his 2nd text and 2nd voice mail and said "Yes, we are gonna get it on, like Donkey Kong!" I mean this is going to be our first time!!!! He did tell me something really funny. When he was out with his son at Walgreens on Saturday, he found a BOB (battery operated boyfriend)! I about died! This man is a keeper.
So, I get ready. I shave!
I put on my new spectacular black bra. Very sexy. Very steamy. I even like the twins in there! Oh! They are the big twins still. YES.
He likes my hair curly, I know, what is wrong with him? No sexy straight hair for him. I leave it natural. Throw on my sweats and I am out the door. Yes I wore sweats. Easy on and off is what I was thinking.
I get there and I am so nervous. I told him I need a drink. He laughs and makes one for me.
We head up stairs.
I am walking behind him thinking, "this isn't romantic, this isn't sexy, this is not passion" ... silently freaking out. I quickly finish my drink. We talk and I am getting more and more nervous. Why did we plan this? I'd rather not know! I finally go sit on his bed while he is getting ready (kicked the dogs out, turn on the heater for it was cold, etc). I realized I am facing the mirror. I stare at myself. Judging. I am in sweat pants with a large sweat shirt on ... what was I thinking???!!! I gave myself a 4. Mr Big Man comes behind me and I tell him to take off my shirt. We are both looking in the mirror and BAM. My spectacular black bra is showing. He LIKED. I liked! I gave myself a 10 at that moment looking in the mirror. A kiss to the neck and the passion began.
That is all the details you are getting. The basics would be he has stamina! I was still a whore and there was a lot of ... well, I was very vocal. The foreplay still lasted a long time but finally when I "demanded" it he gave it to me. After the 3rd time I fell asleep in his arms. He woke me up about an hour or so later ... After the 5th time it was time to go home. I left at 2:30AM.
How about that for the energizer bunny??
I told him I was going to journal this. He gave me a look like DUH, I knew you would.

Nice and Naughty

2009-02-21T07:14:00.001-06:00

December 29th, 2008
Date #6 and Date #7
#6 We went to breakfast on Friday morning. I drove up to his town and parked at the park and ride by the toll. He picked me up and we went to First Watch to eat. He saw a co-worker there and we stopped at their table and he introduced me to her. I liked it. It made me feel like he thinks I am a keeper for he wants me to meet his work family. We went to our table and ordered our food. The conversation flowed as it always does. It is amazing to me how many times he says something and I say back "me too!" AND I AM NOT LYING! It really is me too!
One thing I really like is how creative he is. We talked about Leonardo Di Vinci and how he had a million ideas, inventions and things going on at the same time ... Mr Big Man reminds me of Leonardo. He writes music, he writes poetry, he writes books, he invented this accessory for kids (can't go into detail for it will make big money), he builds things ... working on a bed for his son, he installed hardwood in his home ... the list can go on and on.
I am so not creative like that but I already know where I fit in. We talked about this. I keep him on track. I am the planner.
Mr Big Man's parents were watching Little Man while Mr Big Man went to breakfast with me. We were to be gone for 1.5 hours or so. Not a big deal. I asked him what time it was ... 3 hours later. Holy crap we need to get back! He called his parents and let them know he was heading back. On the drive back to my car we said we would go out again Saturday night. WOW! A Friday and Saturday date? This is moving right along. We said our good-byes which were completely PG. It was a nice sweet kiss.

#7 Mr Big Man picked me up on Saturday. The snow and ice day! He drove to my house. We went to eat at Ruby Tuesday and then went to Barnes and Noble for hot chocolate and dessert. I love, love, love, LOVE that he loves hot chocolate like I do. I asked him if Barnes was our date spot and he said it seems to be. We closed down Barnes ... 11PM this time and went back to my house. We were watching TV when my daughter walks into the living room! THIS MAN HAS SEEN MY DAUGHTER twice!!! I do not think she saw him for she was really sleepy but she was looking in his direction. I scooped her up and took her back to bed. After having that heart attack we chilled for a bit. My mom's dog came out and he played with him. After some time we started the make out session.
No PG here, completely X rated. Yeehawww! This man blows my mind. FABULOUS. Yummy. Just incredible. Makes this woman so weak in the knees I can not stand. Literally, I try to stand and I fall right back down. Still no freakin sex. However due to the conversations we had on the phone I understand why. I did not get pissy this time. I still let go and he still caught me. I was still a whore. A whore that does not have sex, is that possible? It is gonna happen very soon. I made him promise!!! haha. I am so looking forward to it. I am still so very scared. Remember his nick name fits very well.
Y-Day ... (Yes, yes OMG yes Day AKA we are gonna have sex!) is January 3rd. I know this. I was promised this!
We are going out again on Tuesday night. Not sure what we are going to do. Then of course we are going out on Saturday 1/3. I KNOW what we are going to do. ;-)
Side notes, I have many nicknames for him. He knows them all. They are: Joey (not his name), Charlie Brown, Mr Big Man, his long name, his name shortened (IE Nikki for Nicole)
I now think about him all the time. I am not seeing anyone else at this point. I have a boyfriend people.
We have not made it official but with us setting the Y-Day it might was well be. We both agree that once sex starts we are EXCLUSIVE.

Pissy? Who me?

2009-02-20T07:13:00.000-06:00

December 22nd, 2008
Date # 5.
I got to see his house. He had a very nice house. Beautiful. He likes antique furniture and all the pieces were big ... is there a theme here on big?? He took me on a tour of his house. Do you recall with Mr P, he showed me his closet and I said "I've seen bigger?" Well, I told Mr Big Man this and he thought that was funny. On the tour of his house, Mr Big Man wanted me to see his closet too. It was all in joking fun so I said yeppers and we took a look. The closet is bigger than Mr P's! haha. Bonus points, Mr Big Man has the better house. By far.
After the tour he put Kate's bike together. It took him 10 minutes or so. He did not look at the directions, just did it. It was pretty cool. A man that can use his hands like that is so freakin sexy to me. I told him I would never forget him since he was the man who put together my little girl's first bike. He turned and smiled at me when I said that.
After the bike was put together we started to watch Batman Returns. It was good. I think I missed the last 15 minutes or so of the movie. Now why would that be?? Hmm.
He took my hand and we went upstairs. OK ... my sex drive came back and I think like a man now. I just want the damn sex. I still did not get it! I was pissed!
I told him I did not like him. This was mean. At one point I quasi yelled at him "Are you freakin kidding me?! You MUST be the woman in the relationship and I MUST be the man!!!" Yes it is bad I said that. Yes he still continued.
It was an hour and a half of foreplay. It was delicious. I just completely let go. I trust him 100% and I do not know why. The things he did and how he did them were freakin amazing. It was like my whole body was worshipped and not just one part. It was better than any sexual experience I have ever had except of course the no sex. How can a man have that much self control? I was still a whore!
I asked him if we were ever going to have sex. He said yes definitely. It is going to happen. 10 minutes later I asked if it could happen now. He still said no. Damn him. Bless his heart for doing the right thing.
I left his house at 2:15AM.
His parents are staying at his house until January 5th or so and my whole family is at my house right now. I am not meeting his parents / family and vice versa. I said to him that it seems we would have to wait 2 weeks to see each other again. He said we would figure something out and we did not have to go that long. Last night we made plans for breakfast on the 26th. I wanted the breakfast so there would be no temptation. I need to behave!

Mr Big Man fulfils

2009-02-19T07:11:00.005-06:00

December 18th, 2008
4th date with Mr Big Man.
He came over late, 8:45ish and picked me up. My mom was in the living room and I felt like a school girl. "Mom, don't wait up and NO you can not meet him!" I ran out to the car to see him. My mom is staying at my house for the holidays.
We went Christmas shopping. First we went to Best Buy and had a very interesting encounter with Oskar the Sales Man. Oskar was a Chatty Cathy and followed us around the store. It was funny but irritating at the same time. During this Mr Big Man was holding my hand and rubbing my back and just being sweet.
We left Best Buy and went to Toys R Us. I was telling him how I bought my daughter a bike for Christmas and I was NOT looking forward to putting it together. He said "I'll do it; it will be quick and easy." Seriously! He took my Wee One's bike home. I will pick it up from him on Friday at our next date! I did not think I sounded like I wanted him to help. It was just a thought like, crap I have to put this bike together but I can do it. What brownie points he has ... putting my baby girl's first bike together. I love it.
We left there and tried Barnes and Noble. They close at 10PM! They are open later on the weekend ... so, where do you go from here? We decide to go back to my house. I made him hot chocolate. I love a man that loves hot chocolate like I do.
Mom was awake. I ran into the house and was like "Mom, he is coming in. Can you stay in your room?" hehe. She did. What a trooper mom I have!
We watched TV. We had another make out session. Mr Big Man is, holy crap, Mr Big Man is ... oh my word ... Mr Big Man is yummy. LOL. Just yummy. No sex. He has great self control. Mine is out the freaking window. With Mr P I was all about the stopping when it was going too far and not having any issues with my self control. With Mr Big Man I let go. I let go. Wow. I let go and he catches.
I begged again. Good Lord!
Dude I am such a whore with him! Not really but if feels like it. I did get a much better look this time and I am kind of scared of ever having sex with him.
Whatever. We are so gonna have fun making out. Oh! At the end I stood on the couch and I was STILL shorter than him.
I am thinking about him all the time.

boobie report

2009-02-18T06:11:00.002-06:00

December 16th, 2008
Labs were in. Prolactin levels are "normal" and other tests came back fine. Per the DR get use to it.
Approx 2 weeks before the period they will grow due to an excess of hormones and when my period is over they will go back down. No reason to be alarmed and it is very common.
Crap, now I need to buy 2 sizes of bras. Isn't it odd it started when I am 30. Whomever I get to share the twins with will be happy. He will get 2 sets of boobies to play with.
I bet this goes along with the increased sex drive too. hmmmm
Can I share an example of how bad it is. ahem. I want to call out sick from work so I can masturbate. I think about sex EVERY.FREAKIN.MINUTE. It can be a tad overwhelming.
No joke.
Yes, the man will be very, very lucky.

Brown Chicken Brown Cow - yeah baby!

2009-02-17T07:10:00.005-06:00

December 15th, 2008
Whoa! Did you think I was gonna write a porn? Ya, ya, maybe I would but not on here! Come on!
Mr Big Man. He got his name because he is tall, remember? He is 6'4. He calls his son Little Man so I thought calling Mr Big Man "Mr Big Man" was a perfect fit. He does know I have given him that nickname and why I did.
He picked me up at my Dad's in the big city. I was staying the weekend with my Dad. We did not go out until late so it did not seem like I left my daughter with a baby sitter. She was sleeping. He did meet my Grandma!! She said to me later "Darling Nikki, he is a tall drink of water!"
We went to Tanners Bar. I drank. When I drink I get "lovey". The last time I really drank I got knocked up.
That should give off warning bells in your head.
The bar was great. The band was great. Mr Big Man was great. He brought me back to my Dad's house. I did not let him lead this time. I took control. We made out in the car. HEHE. Oh my word how juvenile! Oh my word how fun! Needless to say, we have great chemistry. Oh the best part - the windows fogged up!! hahahahaha. I have never fogged up windows before! hehe. We were joking about a cop tapping the window and that would prompt Mr Big Man to say "Officer, I am 40, she is 30 and we both have kids. Please don't tell".
He also has incredible self control. Thank God! I was ... geez ... I am not proud to admit but I need to be honest here ... I was almost ... OK I need to be honest!! ... I might have, a tad bit, let slip that I was begging.
{Hanging my head in shame.}
There was no sex. He turned me down! I think at one point he said loudly "I AM NOT GAY!" I might have done some name calling? I dunno! I was drunk! That is totally my excuse for loosing it like that. There was touching as TERRA said "home base". I did tell him I found another solid reason to call him Mr Big Man. The name REALLY fits.
Side note here, Carrie made the slutty comment that I named him after a body part weeks ago. GASP. Well Carrie, you were wrong but now you can be right! And the comment is no longer slutty!
Oh the fun times. We are going out again this weekend. I am stoked! Yes, that came out of my mouth and I do not know why. That was the best 3rd date EVER!