closure

May 25th, 2009
I went out of town for the Memorial Day weekend. I had to drive by Mr Big Man's house. This is the first time I have done this since the break up.
The drive by cut all the strength I had.
I text him 'can I call you later' It really, kinda pisses me off that I have his cell phone memorized. Remember all his phone numbers are deleted from my phone. I use to have a tendency to make booty calls or drunk calls to Ex's so this is how I stopped that nasty habit. Delete, delete, delete.
He replies right back 'yes - of course. glad to know you made it home OK'
What the hell? How did he know I was out of town? Hmm, he must not know who I am. Did he delete my number too??? HAHA! That is too funny. I text him again 'do you know who I am?'
He replied right back 'yes'.
OK. He knows who I am. Still don't get the comment about me making it home OK. Maybe I told him I was going out of town for the holiday? Who knows.
An hour or so later he texts me again 'did mom and dad give you the lawn mower?' Yes, this man has NO idea who I am!
We finally get it straightened out who I am. He says we should talk the next night. We do.
He tells me what is going on. I tell him. We laugh. He is a silly man. It felt like we were back where we use to be. Playing, sharing, giggling with each other. The ease of everything. Illusions can be evil.
I get to the point. Do you miss me I ask.
He said he did but he did not pine for me. He made the right decision. He wanted to know if I regretted anything. I did not and I told him that.
I gave him permission to read my blog. He knows the address. He said he would read it. I told him he knew me at my worst. SUCKER! haha! But truly he did. I was a mess! The hormones really screwed me up.
This news, that he did not pine for me, gave me relief. I was so happy to hear that. I'm not sure why. I did not cry (shocker) and I even went to sleep with a smile on my face. My good friend Beth wanted to know if I was waiting for June 3rd and I told her "I don't think so. I hope not." After having this conversation I came to the conclusion I was waiting for it. I was waiting for an answer. My life was on hold because of a careless "MAYBE".
Once that maybe was removed ... it felt like my life could start again. I felt relief. I was happy. I was at peace.
I believe that Mr Big Man is a soul mate of mine. Maybe not a life partner / lover soul mate but he made my soul sing. He was another serendipity in my life. He was brought to me for a reason.
I have closure. This is something one rarely gets at the end of a relationship. Sometimes I can be so damn lucky.