the funk with tears

April 28th, 2009
He is breathing heavy. I asked “what are you doing??” He said he finished exercising. He did this for he needed clarity. Needs it because he is in a funk and exercise should help him.
He needs clarity, huh? Tell me more about this funk I say.
He says it began last night when I asked if he was excited to see me. He should be. He normally is jumping up and down with excitement to see me and while he is looking forward to it, he is not at that level of excitement.
Oh REALLLY?
He says it's in all aspects of his life. At work he is drowning. He can not keep up. There is just too much to do and nothing is getting done, more work keeps adding and nothing is getting cleared. This is what it feels like to him, not what is really happening.
This is the NFL draft time. Normally he is glued to the TV and he finds it fascinating and interesting. Not now. He has not paid any attention to it.
Normally he cleans his house but he has not done this. There is no energy to do it. Nothing is bringing him excitement. Nothing is funny, nothing is happy, he is in a funk. He needs clarity to figure out what he needs to do.
I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to react. He just admitted he is not excited to see me. Do I take it personally???
I ask if we can talk about heavy hitting topics or should I wait. I did not want to stress him out more.
He said to talk.
I start slow. Stuttering. I don’t want to stress him out … but things need to be talked about. I said I was going to bring this up on Thursday but might as well now. I told him I was not happy anymore. I felt there were stress cracks and we are drifting apart. We are not seeing each other, the phone calls we have are short and he is not interested. We are not laughing. I did not think I was needy but I feel neglected and I feel like I am walking on egg shells to not hurt him or upset him.
This conversation goes on a huge turn. He thinks the world of me. However he did not know if he wanted to be with me. He needed to figure out what to do.
I started crying. I did not expect to hear this! I told him “don’t you know you are NEVER to break up on the phone!!” Oh my GAWD, this is a Mr P phone call all over again!!!!
He said he was not doing that. He was being honest with what he felt and he was confused. He does not know if he wants to end it. He does not know what he wants. We could talk more about this Thursday.
I asked “how am I to react to this? Why would I see you on Thursday if we are ending things?” He just said he did not know if he wanted to be with me!
He went on to say it was everything. Again, he was not into anything. Not just me. He did want to see me Thursday. Hopefully I would not decide I did not want to see him. He was not breaking up with me.
I told him about Mr P’s break up. The whole “something is wrong with me” and “you deserve better” and how it was the nicest break up. This sounds like a repeat to me. I went on to tell him I have never been married because there is a thing I do. There is Mr Right and Mr Right Now. I have been proposed to several times. I always said no. I was selfish and stayed in the relationship because it was nice RIGHT NOW but I knew we were not long term. I knew we were not a match. I stayed because something was good and it was good for right then. With everything he has told me tonight, I think he thinks I am Miss Right Now and not Miss Right. There is nothing wrong with knowing someone is not the one. We just need to end the relationship and not keep it going. It is easier to end it now than later.
Silence.
I then said "I feel like I am trying to get you to break up with me."
He said "It sounds like you are."
Silence.
I start crying again. What I did not tell him is I finally thought I found Mr Right … he is not a Mr Right Now.
He still says nothing.
I then said “Well with everything said and done at least you learned I am emotional and I cry a lot.”
He starts laughing. It gets louder. It turns into a belly laugh. It was a pure laugh. It was contagious and I started laughing too. This was the first time we have laughed like this for awhile. It felt good. It felt right.
“Oh, Mr Big Man.” I said this and start thinking. I know he likes me. He actually said 'you know I think the world of you'. I think I know a way to figure out if he is over me or if this is stress.
“When you were in Nashville, did you think about me?”
“Yes.”
“What did you think about?”
“What you were doing. How work was. Were you having a good time?”
“Did you miss me?”
“Yes.”
“Really? You missed me?”
“Yes.”
“Mr Big Man … SNAP OUT OF THIS! Come back to me.” My voice breaks.
He whispers “I am trying.”
I start to cry again. He just broke my heart. He sounded so lost. Oh please, please make it back to me I think.
He begins “I don’t know if we are we dying a slow death in the relationship or is this all related to the funk I am in. I need to figure that out. Maybe I should not have brought this up until I figure everything out …it really bothered me when you said you were not happy. You should be happy. Also you got me thinking when you asked last night if I was excited to see you. It made me realize things are not how they should be. My parents see this, my co-workers are seeing this and YOU are seeing this. I don’t know what is going on. I need clarity. I need to figure all of this out. My parents said they were praying for me.”
“Where do we go from here? How am I to take all of this news?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know if I want to be with you. I don’t know - “
My Gawddamn cell phone battery dies! At that time!!!! I hurry to get the charger and plug it in. Damn thing never even beeped to tell me it was low! I hate this phone!! Hate it! And at that exact time!! Are you freaking kidding me!? Perfect! I hope he does not think I hung up on him on purpose. AND WHAT THE hell is he doing? That was such a bull shit answer. Power UP would you already! Damn phone! OK, wow, I have a voice mail. I do not check it I hit send twice and call him.
“Hi.”
“My battery died.”
“You are plugged in now?”
“Yes.”
“I was talking then you were gone. I called you back and it went straight to voice mail. I figured something was wrong with the phone.”
“Mr Big Man, while I was waiting for the phone to come back on I realized this is bull shit. How can you not know if you want to be with me? That is such bull shit. You either do or you don’t. Plus you said you do not laugh, you said you are in a funk. Well, in case you did not realize this we laughed tonight. We had a big laugh. Did we not?”
“Yes we did. We did.” I could hear a smile in his voice.
“Well there you go. And you know what else? I was going to bring this up on Thursday but now I think it is a bad idea. However I was going to see if we should introduce the kids to the other. I know I said 6 months and it has been 5. I thought it was a good idea for you are neglecting things and I am neglecting this. I also know it is scary. I would hate to introduce you to my daughter and then find out a week later you decided we ARE dying a slow death and you end it.”
“Yeah! Not a good thing. After we figure out what is going on we can go back to that topic.”
“Another thing, we do not have it easy. We really have to work hard to make this work. We both have kids, we have opposite custody schedules. With the 9:00 visits, it is draining. It is hard. But if it is what we want it will work. We both need to put in the effort. I am not asking you if you know if you want to marry me tomorrow, next month or next year. I am asking if you want to be with me. If you want to learn more about me. It should be a simple and easy answer. It should be.”
He draws in a deep breath and lets it out. He says nothing.
“If you decided to end this, how would you? Would you come right out and say it?”
“Yes. I would not drag you along. I would tell you it was over.”
“It is over?”
“Why don’t we reconvene on this tomorrow night? We both need our sleep. Hopefully I can snap out of this.”
I do not like that answer. “Well, OK. I guess I will keep you for one more night.”
“Yeah, you won’t give me a long time to figure this out.”
“Well I will give you days and maybe a week or so. A month? No. You should know if you want to be with me. You should know if you want to know more about me. Do you want me to text you tomorrow?” I usually send 2 texts a day. This has been our habit for months.
“Yeah … I … yeah, do that.”
We say out good nights.
I text Amy to call me. I text Sasha to call me. I text Melissa to call me. I need to talk to someone. I need to talk to someone. GAWD! This conversation had to end around mid-night. I check Gmail and see Melissa is online. I send an IM to see if she is really there. She is. I ask her to call me. She does. We talk. She makes me feel better.
I am afraid for tomorrow. I do not want this to end.
So much more was said than what I wrote. We did have more laughs. We had 3 good laughs. I cried more too. We talked about break ups more. I had to narrow it down otherwise you would be reading for an hour at work. I did not want to do that to you!
Some good news; he sounded tired but more upbeat by the end of the conversation.
I do not know how to act with him. He doesn’t know if he wants to be with me. Sounds like he is over to me, doesn’t it? I don’t even know what to say on the texts! They were funny and sexy and caring. If it is the work funk … we will be OK … but he has to know he wants to be with me.
What do you think??

house

April 5th, 2009

"Hey.  Are you online?" he asks all excited when I answer the phone.

"Nope."

"Get online.  I emailed you something I really want you to see."

I mosey to the laptop and get into my GMail.  (sorry Melissa, I had to pimp it for I love it so!)  The subject of the email is 'house'.  Nothing is written but there is an attachment.  The attachment is called 'Mr Big Man house'.  really it's his real name and not the nickname, he does not refer to himself as Mr Big Man.

Hmmm.  What could this be???

"What is this?"  I ask him softly for I am starting to get excited too.  

"My future house.  It's something I have been working on for sometime.  Can you see it?  I am going to build this.  What do you think?"

"Wow!"  I open it up and there is the drawing of the house.  I can see the outside of the house and where all the rooms are.  I really like what he did ... except something is funky with the front door.  But, and this is a big one, he has a wrap around porch.  My heart pitter patters.  I LOVE wrap around porches.

I tell him I really like it and we talk about what rooms are on which floors and the layout in general.

"Ah, Mr Big Man, what is up with the front door?  How come it is so far back?"

"I don't know.  I have been working on this for some time and I am still moving things around.  Why, do you not like it?"

I don't like it.  I think it should be moved up.  AND I have other ideas of where the bedrooms should be.  ALSO I think the upstairs layout needs to be adjusted.  AND the basement ... what is going on there?

I throw all my input at him.  I figure if that psychic was right, we were going to build this house.  I needed to be sure I was upfront with him from the get go.  Also if he was open enough to share this with me and ask what I thought, he really wants to know!  

The next day he sends me another email with an attachment.  Same attachment name.  I open it, my changes where there.  Not all, but a lot of them.

I tell him later that he needs to save two copies of the house plans. One called Mr Big Man & Nikki and one called Mr Big Man only. That way if we build this house together, all will be good.  However if we break up he might want to go back to the drawing board and revert back to the original plan.

"But I don't think you will" I say. 

"Why?"

"Because our plans will kick ass and your plans will ... well ... suck!"

He laughs.

sabotage

March 14th , 2009
I am so excited to see him.
It's a 9:20 showing. I get there. We watch TV. During the commercials I straddle him and we make out. I can tell he loves it but hates it too for when the show resumes I get right off and act like nothing happened.
Such a tease I am.
After the show I quit teasing. We get it ONNNNNNNN.
We are talking now. I ask if he has thought about when to meet each other's children. If he had any dates or time frames in his mind. He goes on about no time frames but he has thought about it. Thinks he will do it when his son is ready. His son is 5.
I ask "What does that mean when your son is ready?"
Mr Big Man says "Well children are never ready but when I think he is ready and he will be OK knowing Daddy has a special Lady friend. He figured out today I was talking to a woman on the phone."
I go silent. He asks if I thought of a time frame. I said I always had 6 months in my head. I go silent again.
My mind is turning. What does he mean when his son is ready? When is a 5 year old ever ready? His son is not acting out from the separation / divorce from over a year ago. His son has adjusted. What does he mean? Is this a bull shit answer?
He asks what I am thinking. It snaps me to attention. First thing I hear is the radio so I lie and say I am listening to the music.
He accepts. I know he is talking to me but I am not listening.
My mind goes back to racing. That IS a bull shit answer!!! What does this mean? He knows I love him. He has NOT said it back. I have not said it again to him.
Does he think he will never fall in love with me?
Oh. My. Word. He thinks he is never going to fall in love with me so we would never need to get the children involved. Oh. My. Word. I am freaking out now.
He's asleep.
Bastard. How can you fall asleep when I am freaking out??? How can you not love me? Well OK, I understand one does not choose to love someone but one can let the other go when they figure out they are not "the one" or they will never love the other.
Oh my. This is terrible. This is crushing.
The alarm goes off. Usually this signals our next sex session ... yes I know, odd but whatever, naps work for us.
I quickly get out of bed. I can't have sex with him right now. I have to leave. I have to leave now.
I get dressed. He gets up and walks me downstairs. I know he is confused but he is also sleepy. He won't ask questions now.
I give him a kiss good-bye. I act nice. I am not mean. But I HAVE TO FLEE NOW. Now before I break down and cry in front of him.
I get in the car and leave.
I cry the whole ride home. It's lonely at 2:00 AM.