decision part 1

April 29th, 2009 Part 2 will be posted later this afternoon at 2PM Central time. I decided to text Mr Big Man as normal today. He replied back. I called him at work which is NOT normal. We had a pleasant short talk. I also called him on my way to the gym, again as normal. All conversations were nice. They all gave me hope for tonight. He shared with me, he asked me questions, we laughed. It was nice.
"Hi Mom." She called while I was driving to pick up my daughter from her dad's.
"Nikki, I did not like your psychic reading, as you know." My mom says.
"Yes, I know."
"Well I talked to Karen and asked her to do another reading for you. Do you want to know what she said?" **Karen is a psychic my mom is personal friends with and has had several readings with. I do not know Karen, she lives in Las Vegas.
"YES!" Hopefully it is happy news! I start to laugh at my eagerness. I mean tonight is to be the big talk.
My mom took notes and emailed them to me. I will copy & paste them:

He will want you to go along with a 3 way encounter. He loves you but will want to bring strange women home along with you.
Be strong and stand your ground about this.
You and he will be deeply unhappy if you give in to his wishes.
He will be grateful when you tell him, "No".
He would eventually think less of you if you were to agree to this.
You will have to tell him, "Go get this threesome out of your system and come back when you are ready to be with only me". Karen says to tell him to find a woman who thinks so little of herself ! She said your telling him this might be enough to shock the idea out of his mind.
It is going to be a rough 6 months ahead for you. Be patient because he will come out of it around September.
She said you love him very much and he loves you too, but is not ready to say it yet.
She says you will marry in future. He feels he will be too old for children but loves kids and will want to give you a child that belongs to the two of you. He will be more than happy to give this to you.
As to your health, what you have was caught early and you may have to take pills to regulate it. You will overcome it very quickly. It may not have been diabetes that she was referring to.
When you have your baby, they will have to keep eye on you in case you get diabetes again during your pregnancy.

Alrighty! What a conversation to have with my mom ... a threesome!!! Holy crap. That is so not him!!! I got the giggles with my mom. Made jokes about "ya, I am gonna call you in 2 months and say 'MOM! He wants to have a THREESOME! What do I tell him again?'" I found this hysterical! I mean, come on! I talk to my mom but not about SEX topics! haha. I just don't see this ever coming out of his mouth! It's too funny! I can't believe a psychic would pick up on such a topic! A threesome!!! haha haaaaaa!!! Oh too much! Besides with the stress he is under I doubt he has sex on his mind. It did cheer me up. It did make me laugh. I let Mom know I would update her on the conversation tonight.

that psychic sucked!

April 26th, 2009
I had a Psychic party!!! I made food! And I was told it was good! There was a great turn out. My mom was there, Sasha (who I made RSVP 100+ times), Melissa, Krista, Heather, Jenni, Aleasha and Melinda.
I am a nosey person so I want to hear all the readings. Most I can but not all. Oh, by the way, this is a different psychic than the last one.
I am excited!! It's my turn. GO! I think. Let's go, let's go, let's go. Tell me the goooooood stuff! I yell at my remaining guests to listen in! I am SO excited!
She talks about my friends ... ahh .. what does that have to do with me? She saw my friends in my reading ... hmmm. Not so exciting.
We talk about my daughter. Not good news there about my X. EEK, I don't like that.
Come on! Get to Mr Big Man!!!
She does. The cards say in the 8th month I will know what our status is. He is not my life partner. He has communication issues.
I HATE MY READING. Ahhh, that's crap! We communicate fine! And I want him so. He is my match. We fit. This can not be true.
Let's see, I will meet a dark haired man - someone I do not know now - and that will be in 8 days, 8 weeks, 8 months or August. Something with an 8. I will need to make a choice.
I HATE MY READING. She doubts I will have any more children. If I don't have anymore by the age of 38 then I will not have anymore. I will not get married. She thinks it would be good for me to become a nurse.
I HATE MY READING. I won't get married. Are you freakin kidding me?? I asked her to elaborate on that, she said I really don't care about the paper I care about the relationship, the commitment. That I will have. Hmm, that is kinda true.
I HATE MY READING. No more kids!!! That SUCKS! Mr Big Man not my partner!!! BOOOO! I HATE MY READING.
**I do not believe in psychic readings, I think they are fun and it's super cool if they come true but I do not live my life by it

discovery

April 4th, 2009
Another milestone.
I met his best friend. My father was watching my daughter while Mr Big Man and I went out to dinner and then to his friend's house.
I really, really want Mr Big Man to meet my friends but it seems to be to hard. They are not available when he is and when I am. It should not be this hard, just make it happen but it is this hard. It's very frustrating to me.
BUT I got to meet his best friend and his wife. It was nice. I heard funny stories from their childhood. They have been friends since age 3. They are 41 now. GAWD, looking at "41" .... sounds so OLD. I am dating a 41 year old. I am in love with a 41 year old. That number looks so disturbing ...
WOW! That was off topic. They both talk like each other when talking about certain subjects. It truly was funny. The wife was super nice and to top it off, the first topic was about their sex life! I was like, wow, this is great to know so soon! It was hysterical.
The big news, big, big news is that I found out Mr Big Man tried to get his custody schedule changed. I was like, wait a minute, you never told me this! I dropped it but if you know me I brought it up again when we left.
"So tell me, when did you try to change the custody schedule?"
"About a month ago. Hannah kept having to switch days due to work conflicts so I asked if we should just change it for good. Flip the weekends so I would be on the same schedule as you. I figured she would be up for it since it would help her but she got all excited and said 'NO! My work schedule goes out into the summer and I work every weekend I do not have Little Man.' So that did not work."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"She said no so no changes were made. I didn't want to upset you either. It'll work out. We will get it all worked out."
I think he likes me. I think he thinks about me. I THINK he is moving towards the future. I wish he would tell me these things.

phone calls

March 21st, 2009
I feel whiny. Get over it, I think. Ya, whatever. I miss the man.
Usually we would have seen each other this weekend. He would have come here. This weekend he has his son due to Spring Break.
Both have children = no see each other.
It makes me sad hence the whiny.
We do what we have to do which is revert to our phone calls. I would say the past month or longer they have not gone over an hour. They usually end at 30 minutes. At the beginning it was 3 hours!! Remember that? I do.
This night was a great phone call night.
I went to my friend Melissa's house and had a psychic reading. She tells me right off the bat that I was getting married in 3 months. WHAT!?? My reply was when is he going to ask? Soon she said. Well, shouldn't he say he loves me first? That would be weird if he didn't! Basically we are getting married in 3 months and the reason why things are not moving along quicker is because he thinks he needs to pay off all debt before doing anything and I need to tell him to forget about the debt and live life. It will be paid off and we will be happy. Blah, blah, blah. OH! We will have a son and build a house. We are also taking a trip to the West Coast next fall. HMMM.
I get home, put my daughter to bed and called him.
He asked what the psychic lady said. OK, I was all bold at the reading and said I would tell him everything but now that it comes down to it I can't! I did say he needs to not worry about the debt and live life. He said OK, he was doing that. I told him in 3 months something big was gonna happen. He said "you are not having a baby are you?" I said "if I did, it would not be yours."
haha. I am sooooooo bad!
Now that I see that, it was kinda rude! Oh Gosh. Thankfully he laughed.
Anyways, the conversation continues and all is well. He made some random comment that I called him a woman during one of our make out sessions. I totally forgot about that!! But I did call him a woman! Why would I ever do that you ask? He wouldn't give me any, remember?! I completely 100% wanted the sex and he would only give me foreplay. No sex. I was pissed. I laughed that he brought it up and then said "Wow, that must have really caused you grief. I am sorry. I did not mean it the way you thought. I am sorry."
He forgave me but kept bringing it up! I was thinking OK, now he is totally being a woman (we do bring up things that happened 5 years ago when we need arsenal). I am still cracking up about that!
The conversation went really well. There was a lot of laughs. Lots of me TOO moments. It made me want to reach in the phone and squeeze him tight. Too bad I couldn't.
At the end he said this was one of our best conversations. I have to agree.
Key notes from psychic: I would be married in 3 months - she was thinking a July wedding
I would have a son
We would build a house
My X would not cause problems with the marriage or us getting together (remember Mr Big Man lives 30 away from me)
I would be invited to Church and I would go regularly
He would love my daughter like his own and he would want to adopt her

sabotage

March 14th , 2009
I am so excited to see him.
It's a 9:20 showing. I get there. We watch TV. During the commercials I straddle him and we make out. I can tell he loves it but hates it too for when the show resumes I get right off and act like nothing happened.
Such a tease I am.
After the show I quit teasing. We get it ONNNNNNNN.
We are talking now. I ask if he has thought about when to meet each other's children. If he had any dates or time frames in his mind. He goes on about no time frames but he has thought about it. Thinks he will do it when his son is ready. His son is 5.
I ask "What does that mean when your son is ready?"
Mr Big Man says "Well children are never ready but when I think he is ready and he will be OK knowing Daddy has a special Lady friend. He figured out today I was talking to a woman on the phone."
I go silent. He asks if I thought of a time frame. I said I always had 6 months in my head. I go silent again.
My mind is turning. What does he mean when his son is ready? When is a 5 year old ever ready? His son is not acting out from the separation / divorce from over a year ago. His son has adjusted. What does he mean? Is this a bull shit answer?
He asks what I am thinking. It snaps me to attention. First thing I hear is the radio so I lie and say I am listening to the music.
He accepts. I know he is talking to me but I am not listening.
My mind goes back to racing. That IS a bull shit answer!!! What does this mean? He knows I love him. He has NOT said it back. I have not said it again to him.
Does he think he will never fall in love with me?
Oh. My. Word. He thinks he is never going to fall in love with me so we would never need to get the children involved. Oh. My. Word. I am freaking out now.
He's asleep.
Bastard. How can you fall asleep when I am freaking out??? How can you not love me? Well OK, I understand one does not choose to love someone but one can let the other go when they figure out they are not "the one" or they will never love the other.
Oh my. This is terrible. This is crushing.
The alarm goes off. Usually this signals our next sex session ... yes I know, odd but whatever, naps work for us.
I quickly get out of bed. I can't have sex with him right now. I have to leave. I have to leave now.
I get dressed. He gets up and walks me downstairs. I know he is confused but he is also sleepy. He won't ask questions now.
I give him a kiss good-bye. I act nice. I am not mean. But I HAVE TO FLEE NOW. Now before I break down and cry in front of him.
I get in the car and leave.
I cry the whole ride home. It's lonely at 2:00 AM.