I hate me right now. I hate me! And I hate you and you and you

March 1st - March 4th, 2009
This was a hard day. And a hard post.
I wrote the title of this post as a thought bubble for all my friends to see in cyber land. I was desperate for help. I lost hope.
I started birth control pills in January. I have not had any good reactions to them.
Last month during the PMS time I was not "me". I was angry and sad. It lasted for 2 days maybe ...
This month starting on March 1st I really was not me.
I was so angry. I punched a wall. I am not a violent person in any way shape or form.
I was so depressed I wanted to die. I thought I did not deserve to live. My daughter will be better off without a crazy mom. I am an optimistic person and value life so this is not me either.
I was so sad I could not stop crying. I cried because the sun was setting. I cried because I could not control this. I cried because ... I cried for no reason most of the time. I cried so hard I had the hiccups. I cried so hard my eyes were swollen and looked like I was stung by a bee on the eyelids. I cried so hard I did not know how to breathe.
All of these were cycling. I would go to one mood then the other. 10 minutes later to another mood. There was never happiness. There was never calm. There was no positive. There was no hope.
I always have hope. To loose it, well, I was a mess.
I called my X and asked him to keep our daughter. I told him I did not feel well when in fact I was afraid of her seeing me like this.
I was in bad shape.
I could not stop breaking down.
I believe it was Sasha that told me to call the DR immediately. I did. They told me to stop taking the pills, come get a new pack (different brand) and start them when my new cycle starts. I was a good 2 weeks before I "should" start. This PMS started really early.
I stopped the pills. I was no longer angry the next day but sad and depressed. Once again I called my X to keep our daughter.
I told Mr Big Man what I did. He wanted me to go up there. I warned him - said it was not a good idea, I was a cry baby. He said he had a big shoulder to cry on. Get my ass over there.
I went over.
He made me dinner. He asked me to help by stirring the rice. I was mopey but not crying. Then I saw him make the chicken and I thought I would have no idea how to cook the food like that. The tears came. Fast. I had to run to the bathroom. I cried. It seemed like forever. The lights were out. He was singing. I calmed backed down and went back to the kitchen. He pulled me close, kissed my head and gave me a hug. He said nothing.
Later I was sitting on the stairs while we were talking or maybe he was picking up. I heard a song on the radio ... I don't remember what it was but it was a love song. I started crying again. He sat next to me and put his arm around my shoulder. He also held my hand. I didn't want him to know I was crying again but it was kind of hard to hide.
Again he said nothing about the crying. He kissed me on the head and squeezed my shoulder. He held me, cracking jokes until I stopped crying.
I cried in bed too. Not during sex but while trying to sleep. I don't think he knows. This time I cried because I felt I hit the jack pot on boyfriends and felt my hope again. I missed my hope and I am glad he brought it back. To feel hopeless is a bad, bad thing.

red wine or white wine?

February 28th, 2009

How could I forget this?!  My birthday was a few days ago and I was not able to see Mr Big Man.  He did wish me a happy birthday by singing me a voice mail.  He was a male Marilyn Monroe.  Very sexy!  Very cute.

I went to dinner with a lot of my friends and I happily skipped out of there at 9:00 to go see Mr Big Man.  I was to collect my birthday gift.

He was acting all smooth and suave and told me he had to show me these cool tools he got.  Oh ya, that sounds like fun!

He brings me this wicker basket and tells me to open it.  I look at him.  I look at the basket.  "Is a snake gonna come out?"

He laughs and says no.

I open it very slowly.

It's a picnic basket!!  That's my present!  It has a picnic blanket, wine bottle and opener, wine glasses, cheese, crackers ... I mean this thing was loaded with a romantic wine picnic!  I was so touched.  It is very beautiful.
We were in bed later and my head was on his chest.  His arm was stroking my back.  He said "I have always told you I am an understated man.  I really care about you."

I said "I don't understand when you say that to me.  What do you mean?"

"I really care about you" is all he would say.

He then kissed my head and we drifted off to sleep.

worry wart

February 25th, 2009

So he did not say he loved me but I know Mr Big Man cares.

I went to my OB/GYN Doctor the other day for my yearly exam.  I found out I grew.  In height.  No kidding!!  After puberty I think we should be done growing, don't you? It was not a lot but it was there.  I have always been 5' 1/2 an inch since I hit my height and now I am 5' 1 3/4.

Also with the increased sex drive, the headaches, the crazy moodiness and everything else, this does not look good to me.

It does not look good to him either.   He was asking me for all my symptoms and asking more questions.  He was being Dr. Big Man!  It was sweet. 

He sat me down and told me that he was worried and really wanted me to look into things to make sure all is well.  The combo of everything points to a tumor (non cancerous) and he strongly urges me to see another Doctor.  He said again he really cared about me and he was worried and wanted me to make sure I was OK.  

Looking at him made me realize he was taking this seriously and he went out of his way to talk to me about this (I kept trying to change the subject) and it did amaze me how much research and time he put into this.

It warms my heart even more.  Time to make the appointment!

with these 3 words

February 16th, 2009
We went to dinner at a Japanese restaurant. All during dinner I kept looking at him, wanting to tell him something but I couldn't.
We made it back to his house.
I was cold and he pulled me to him and we swayed back and forth. He just let the dogs out.
His arms were around me and I had my hands between us ... trying to stay warm.
I said "Can I ruin this moment?" It was peaceful. He said "You can do whatever you want."
I started ... "Remember the email I sent you over the weekend. It said I read 2 things and thought that is SOOO me and I FEEL it? One thing I told you ... it was 'Your smile makes me want to misbehave' and the other started out with 'Oh FUCK'."
"Yes I remember. You were going to tell me in person what the 'Oh FUCK' meant."
I stayed quiet. Then I began again. "Well it ends like this ..." I couldn't say it. I took deep breaths. He squeezed me tighter. My face was turned sideways. I was not looking at him. I can do this, I thought. I have to do this, I thought. I told my cyber friends I was going to do this! Loudly I said "OH FUCK" and I looked up into his eyes and continued "I love you". Oh fuck, I said it. Out loud. To HIM.
He smiled. Said "I really, really, dig your chili."
I'm serious.
I start laughing. "What does THAT mean??!!!" I ask him as I am still laughing.
He says "I can't say I love you right now. I will only say it when I feel it. I do like you. I really really like you."
I accept this. But he really digs my chili??? haha
I have never made chili for him. He just made that up.
I do love him. And he really really digs me. And my chili. He cracks me up. I want to keep him. Maybe forever.

Happy Valentines Day

February 14th, 2009
All the way up until the 11th I "knew" I would be able to spend V-Day with Mr Big Man but I also "knew" I would not be able to see him until the 9:00 hour.
On the 11th he said he got a baby sitter and we would have a proper date.
That meant so much to me.
I arrived at his house around 7:30 and asked where are we going?
He did not make plans. Are you kidding??? It's Valentine's Day!! He said he called around and most places had a long wait. Ya! It's Valentine's Day!! We would play it by ear.
You know, at least he put effort into getting a babysitter, right?
We ended up at the same brewery of our first date. That kinda fits doesn't it?
I don't remember what was said but we indicated it was a table for 2. I turned to him and looked lovingly into his eyes and gave a little smile. I couldn't help it. He looked so kissable and I had to pull him down to me to kiss. It was a quick one but sweet. The server saw then says "please follow me." We are still looking into each others eyes and Mr Big Man says "after you sister."
I said "OH.MY.GAWD." Then I hit him. Not hard mind you, just a how dare you say that slap on the belly.
The servers face goes into shock mode then she starts laughing.
It was pretty funny.
We had a great meal and head back to his house.
The TV was on Sports Center - the baby sitter is a male Senior in High School - and we sit and chat for a bit while Mr Big Man makes sure Little Man is sleeping.
The baby sitter leaves.
Mr Big Man and I talk, we just enjoy the time. That is until he realized Sports Center is on. His mind zeros in there. I was like Oh NO! Sports Center is not taking Mr Big Man away from me on Valentine's Day! I decided to be naughty and give him a present. A present with my mouth. That was given below the belt. **oh no she didn't!!** Oh yes I did!
That took his mind off of Sports Center! Isn't that every sport enthusiast males ultimate dream?? Well I gave it to him.
I was well rewarded later.
It was a passionate night.

shout outs

February 10th, 2009
Ok, I know I have make jokes about his stamina. Truth be told he is amazing. Mr Big Man has high stress at work, gets little sleep, forgets to eat (recall the Rules post) and IS 41. He is very impressive.
We usually go once. Wait anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour later and go again. The waiting it not waiting for him to recover, it's just we start talking or whatever until one of us gets back in the mood.
This time, this time was special. It was amazing! I have to call it our best sex ever.
It was the true slam bam thank you ma'am with hot and heavy and hard thrown in. Yummy! Well he was done and I was not. I was still moving around a bit and then wow! He starts up all over again. I don't think it was 2 minutes. I know he did not have time to ahh ... deflate completely. It was impressive. I was proud! He went long time the second time! Yippee!!! He would blush and growl my name if he knew I was talking about this! haha

I was very vocal. Afterwards I did say "that was THE.BEST.SEX.EVER!"
Hey! We gotta give the man his props.
Standing applause in this corner!