April 16th, 2009
We are in bed.
GEEZ! Does everything happen in bed with us?
I am naked - again, common theme here???
I am waiting, waiting, waiting for him to start something. Do I get it? NOPE. Nothing. I'm sure it is not true but I feel like I start it all the time. I am PMSing and feel fat and want him to start this time.
I tell him good-night. I could tell that shocks him.
I roll over and he asks if I am OK.
"Yes" I lie.
Silence.
He turns the TV and the light off.
He comes to me and puts his arm over me.
I'm hot. I squirm around until the covers are mostly off me.
I sigh. Bastard. You are still not trying anything???
Nope he doesn't. He rolls away.
5 minutes later I pop up and say "Are you really that tired?"
"Well, no. Well, yes. I am tired but I am wondering what is going on with you."
"How come you are not trying anything" I ask.
"I did!"
"WHEN?"
"When I put my arm around you. I stopped because it felt like you wanted to be left alone."
"You have GOT to me kidding me! Putting your ARM around me is not trying! Kissing or inappropriate touching is trying!!!"
"Oh. Well I have dealt with this before and I was not going to try when you were not in the mood."
"Mr Big Man, these hormones are insane. I am ALWAYS in the mood. Remember, I think like a man now. I will NOT turn you down and you BETTER hit on me! What does this say about us? 5 months or so in and you are not wanting me? We should be bunnies! We should not be able to get our hands off of each other. How come you CAN keep your hands off of me?"
"I do want you, I just don't ... I could tell you did not want to be bothered. You were squirming around."
"YEAH! I was hot!"
"Ohhhh. Ohhhh." He thinks for a bit. "I ... I ... it seemed you did not want to be bothered so I was not going to bother you. I don't want to try to have sex with someone that does not want it back."
"I AM NOT HANNAH!! You can NOT take what I do and equate it to something she did. I AM NOT HANNAH!!" **side note, Hannah is his Ex-Wife.
"I know you are not her!"
"That is not fair, you can't do that!"
"I'm not!"
Silence. I start crying. Gosh darn hormones! I wonder if I should go home.
"Mr Big Man, I am not seeing you for 2 weeks after tonight. TWO weeks! For you to not try something ... it scares me. How could you not try???" The tears slow.
"You know how busy work is. I have been working 13 hours days getting ready for the business trip next week. I am tired! I just did not think. Well I was thinking then you popped up yelling at me."
The tears start coming again. DAMN PMS!
"Come here" he says.
I don't move.
"Come HERE."
I go. Slowly. Good Lord! How old am I? But you know, when someone hurts you it can be hard to seek comfort in them.
We talk some more. We talk about what I was thinking was wrong and what he was thinking that was wrong. At one point I said the conversation could have gone really bad. One of us could have gotten really pissed off. He agreed. I think this was our first fight.
I congratulate him on making me cry 3 times tonight. He asked if that was a record. I said not lately. He said we have lots of time before midnight, he could try to make the record.
I laughed.
I turned my head up to look at him. "I want you ... I want you to want me."
He starts to sing "I neeeeeed you to neeeeed meeeeeee."
That makes me laugh more.
"I'm serious!"
He says "Me too."
Showing posts with label hormones. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hormones. Show all posts
Friday, May 1, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
can you make a mountain out of a mole hill too?
March 15th, 2009
Okay! I told him I would text him when I got home. I started to. Didn't finish. I did not want to worry him but I was still so upset.
I went to bed. He texted me in the AM, wanting to know if I was OK.
He then called at 8:15ish and left a message. Are you alright? Did you make it home OK? I am worried. Let me know you are OK.
I texted back I was OK.
So, he shows he cares, right?
This is normal. This is what he does. He cares.
Argh!
Am I making an issue when there is none? Possible. Very possible.
I need to talk to my Chickas.
Jenni. Thankfully we had a lunch date scheduled. She said there is no time frame to fall in love and she thinks he does care and would not string me along.
Aim! Amy I call for she knows what is up. She KNOWS. I was sabotaging this. STOP!
Alright I will.
I feel jipped. I didn't get my 2nd sex session!!! haha. Good Lord, what is he going to do when I loose this sex drive again?
I call him. Ask how his day was. We chat. I ask if he wants company later. He said yes. He is always up for seeing me.
I went over, again 9:00. We kiss and make up. Well, he has no idea there is a need to make up for this was all in my head, right? Poor soul.
I still got the make up sex.
Afterwards I cried. Just a little. Small tears came out for I was thinking how I could have screwed all this up. He asked what was wrong. I said nothing. He wanted to know what was right. I laughed. Cause you know, if nothing was wrong something had to be right to make me cry ...
I said everything was perfect.
I drove home this time with a smile on my face.
Okay! I told him I would text him when I got home. I started to. Didn't finish. I did not want to worry him but I was still so upset.
I went to bed. He texted me in the AM, wanting to know if I was OK.
He then called at 8:15ish and left a message. Are you alright? Did you make it home OK? I am worried. Let me know you are OK.
I texted back I was OK.
So, he shows he cares, right?
This is normal. This is what he does. He cares.
Argh!
Am I making an issue when there is none? Possible. Very possible.
I need to talk to my Chickas.
Jenni. Thankfully we had a lunch date scheduled. She said there is no time frame to fall in love and she thinks he does care and would not string me along.
Aim! Amy I call for she knows what is up. She KNOWS. I was sabotaging this. STOP!
Alright I will.
I feel jipped. I didn't get my 2nd sex session!!! haha. Good Lord, what is he going to do when I loose this sex drive again?
I call him. Ask how his day was. We chat. I ask if he wants company later. He said yes. He is always up for seeing me.
I went over, again 9:00. We kiss and make up. Well, he has no idea there is a need to make up for this was all in my head, right? Poor soul.
I still got the make up sex.
Afterwards I cried. Just a little. Small tears came out for I was thinking how I could have screwed all this up. He asked what was wrong. I said nothing. He wanted to know what was right. I laughed. Cause you know, if nothing was wrong something had to be right to make me cry ...
I said everything was perfect.
I drove home this time with a smile on my face.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
I hate me right now. I hate me! And I hate you and you and you
March 1st - March 4th, 2009
This was a hard day. And a hard post.
I wrote the title of this post as a thought bubble for all my friends to see in cyber land. I was desperate for help. I lost hope.
I started birth control pills in January. I have not had any good reactions to them.
Last month during the PMS time I was not "me". I was angry and sad. It lasted for 2 days maybe ...
This month starting on March 1st I really was not me.
I was so angry. I punched a wall. I am not a violent person in any way shape or form.
I was so depressed I wanted to die. I thought I did not deserve to live. My daughter will be better off without a crazy mom. I am an optimistic person and value life so this is not me either.
I was so sad I could not stop crying. I cried because the sun was setting. I cried because I could not control this. I cried because ... I cried for no reason most of the time. I cried so hard I had the hiccups. I cried so hard my eyes were swollen and looked like I was stung by a bee on the eyelids. I cried so hard I did not know how to breathe.
All of these were cycling. I would go to one mood then the other. 10 minutes later to another mood. There was never happiness. There was never calm. There was no positive. There was no hope.
I always have hope. To loose it, well, I was a mess.
I called my X and asked him to keep our daughter. I told him I did not feel well when in fact I was afraid of her seeing me like this.
I was in bad shape.
I could not stop breaking down.
I believe it was Sasha that told me to call the DR immediately. I did. They told me to stop taking the pills, come get a new pack (different brand) and start them when my new cycle starts. I was a good 2 weeks before I "should" start. This PMS started really early.
I stopped the pills. I was no longer angry the next day but sad and depressed. Once again I called my X to keep our daughter.
I told Mr Big Man what I did. He wanted me to go up there. I warned him - said it was not a good idea, I was a cry baby. He said he had a big shoulder to cry on. Get my ass over there.
I went over.
He made me dinner. He asked me to help by stirring the rice. I was mopey but not crying. Then I saw him make the chicken and I thought I would have no idea how to cook the food like that. The tears came. Fast. I had to run to the bathroom. I cried. It seemed like forever. The lights were out. He was singing. I calmed backed down and went back to the kitchen. He pulled me close, kissed my head and gave me a hug. He said nothing.
Later I was sitting on the stairs while we were talking or maybe he was picking up. I heard a song on the radio ... I don't remember what it was but it was a love song. I started crying again. He sat next to me and put his arm around my shoulder. He also held my hand. I didn't want him to know I was crying again but it was kind of hard to hide.
Again he said nothing about the crying. He kissed me on the head and squeezed my shoulder. He held me, cracking jokes until I stopped crying.
I cried in bed too. Not during sex but while trying to sleep. I don't think he knows. This time I cried because I felt I hit the jack pot on boyfriends and felt my hope again. I missed my hope and I am glad he brought it back. To feel hopeless is a bad, bad thing.
This was a hard day. And a hard post.
I wrote the title of this post as a thought bubble for all my friends to see in cyber land. I was desperate for help. I lost hope.
I started birth control pills in January. I have not had any good reactions to them.
Last month during the PMS time I was not "me". I was angry and sad. It lasted for 2 days maybe ...
This month starting on March 1st I really was not me.
I was so angry. I punched a wall. I am not a violent person in any way shape or form.
I was so depressed I wanted to die. I thought I did not deserve to live. My daughter will be better off without a crazy mom. I am an optimistic person and value life so this is not me either.
I was so sad I could not stop crying. I cried because the sun was setting. I cried because I could not control this. I cried because ... I cried for no reason most of the time. I cried so hard I had the hiccups. I cried so hard my eyes were swollen and looked like I was stung by a bee on the eyelids. I cried so hard I did not know how to breathe.
All of these were cycling. I would go to one mood then the other. 10 minutes later to another mood. There was never happiness. There was never calm. There was no positive. There was no hope.
I always have hope. To loose it, well, I was a mess.
I called my X and asked him to keep our daughter. I told him I did not feel well when in fact I was afraid of her seeing me like this.
I was in bad shape.
I could not stop breaking down.
I believe it was Sasha that told me to call the DR immediately. I did. They told me to stop taking the pills, come get a new pack (different brand) and start them when my new cycle starts. I was a good 2 weeks before I "should" start. This PMS started really early.
I stopped the pills. I was no longer angry the next day but sad and depressed. Once again I called my X to keep our daughter.
I told Mr Big Man what I did. He wanted me to go up there. I warned him - said it was not a good idea, I was a cry baby. He said he had a big shoulder to cry on. Get my ass over there.
I went over.
He made me dinner. He asked me to help by stirring the rice. I was mopey but not crying. Then I saw him make the chicken and I thought I would have no idea how to cook the food like that. The tears came. Fast. I had to run to the bathroom. I cried. It seemed like forever. The lights were out. He was singing. I calmed backed down and went back to the kitchen. He pulled me close, kissed my head and gave me a hug. He said nothing.
Later I was sitting on the stairs while we were talking or maybe he was picking up. I heard a song on the radio ... I don't remember what it was but it was a love song. I started crying again. He sat next to me and put his arm around my shoulder. He also held my hand. I didn't want him to know I was crying again but it was kind of hard to hide.
Again he said nothing about the crying. He kissed me on the head and squeezed my shoulder. He held me, cracking jokes until I stopped crying.
I cried in bed too. Not during sex but while trying to sleep. I don't think he knows. This time I cried because I felt I hit the jack pot on boyfriends and felt my hope again. I missed my hope and I am glad he brought it back. To feel hopeless is a bad, bad thing.
Friday, March 27, 2009
worry wart
February 25th, 2009
So he did not say he loved me but I know Mr Big Man cares.
I went to my OB/GYN Doctor the other day for my yearly exam. I found out I grew. In height. No kidding!! After puberty I think we should be done growing, don't you? It was not a lot but it was there. I have always been 5' 1/2 an inch since I hit my height and now I am 5' 1 3/4.
Also with the increased sex drive, the headaches, the crazy moodiness and everything else, this does not look good to me.
It does not look good to him either. He was asking me for all my symptoms and asking more questions. He was being Dr. Big Man! It was sweet.
He sat me down and told me that he was worried and really wanted me to look into things to make sure all is well. The combo of everything points to a tumor (non cancerous) and he strongly urges me to see another Doctor. He said again he really cared about me and he was worried and wanted me to make sure I was OK.
Looking at him made me realize he was taking this seriously and he went out of his way to talk to me about this (I kept trying to change the subject) and it did amaze me how much research and time he put into this.
It warms my heart even more. Time to make the appointment!
Monday, March 23, 2009
hit and run please
February 8th, 2009
So I am a little crazy. I never claimed I was not.
Since getting on the birth control pills I am not myself. The sex drive has gone back to normal I think but other than that ... I have insane mood swings. Kinda scary. Kinda crazy. He sees them. Mr Big Man knows what is up and does not freak out. He said he figured it would take 2 months or so to level out in me.
Hopefully that is true. Gotta love a man that can take the crazy moods in stride.
So, I asked him this day if he remembers the 31st of January. He said yes and told me all about it.
Then he goes into telling me how he talks about me. His family knows about me. His friends. His neighbors. {side note here. on one visit I walked in the door and his phone rings. I heard him laugh and then hang up. He said it was his neighbor and they said "atta boy" and hung up. how funny is that?!}
Mr Big Man said everyone wants to meet me. I thought that was great but I was thinking I did not know how we would work it since we have our children opposite weekends. He also said his mom will tell him if I need to go. She was silent on his marriage and was not going to be silent anymore.
Oh no!! I want a hit and run meeting. Meet the parents. Walk out. He said no. Damn!
So I am a little crazy. I never claimed I was not.
Since getting on the birth control pills I am not myself. The sex drive has gone back to normal I think but other than that ... I have insane mood swings. Kinda scary. Kinda crazy. He sees them. Mr Big Man knows what is up and does not freak out. He said he figured it would take 2 months or so to level out in me.
Hopefully that is true. Gotta love a man that can take the crazy moods in stride.
So, I asked him this day if he remembers the 31st of January. He said yes and told me all about it.
Then he goes into telling me how he talks about me. His family knows about me. His friends. His neighbors. {side note here. on one visit I walked in the door and his phone rings. I heard him laugh and then hang up. He said it was his neighbor and they said "atta boy" and hung up. how funny is that?!}
Mr Big Man said everyone wants to meet me. I thought that was great but I was thinking I did not know how we would work it since we have our children opposite weekends. He also said his mom will tell him if I need to go. She was silent on his marriage and was not going to be silent anymore.
Oh no!! I want a hit and run meeting. Meet the parents. Walk out. He said no. Damn!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
boobie report
December 16th, 2008
Labs were in. Prolactin levels are "normal" and other tests came back fine. Per the DR get use to it.
Approx 2 weeks before the period they will grow due to an excess of hormones and when my period is over they will go back down. No reason to be alarmed and it is very common.
Crap, now I need to buy 2 sizes of bras. Isn't it odd it started when I am 30. Whomever I get to share the twins with will be happy. He will get 2 sets of boobies to play with.
I bet this goes along with the increased sex drive too. hmmmm
Can I share an example of how bad it is. ahem. I want to call out sick from work so I can masturbate. I think about sex EVERY.FREAKIN.MINUTE. It can be a tad overwhelming.
No joke.
Yes, the man will be very, very lucky.
Labs were in. Prolactin levels are "normal" and other tests came back fine. Per the DR get use to it.
Approx 2 weeks before the period they will grow due to an excess of hormones and when my period is over they will go back down. No reason to be alarmed and it is very common.
Crap, now I need to buy 2 sizes of bras. Isn't it odd it started when I am 30. Whomever I get to share the twins with will be happy. He will get 2 sets of boobies to play with.
I bet this goes along with the increased sex drive too. hmmmm
Can I share an example of how bad it is. ahem. I want to call out sick from work so I can masturbate. I think about sex EVERY.FREAKIN.MINUTE. It can be a tad overwhelming.
No joke.
Yes, the man will be very, very lucky.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
growing boobies maybe a problem
December 10th, 2008
Curiosity got the best out of me & I called the OB/GYN. Why you ask?
Well my boobies are growing. They have since September. They will get really big (overflow the bra) and then go back to "normal". When they grow it feels like I am getting milk and they are very tender. The cycle seems to last 2-3 weeks and this is the 3rd trip if you will.
So, I called the Dr yesterday & talked to his nurses. They asked if I was able to express milk. Yes, I tried it last week or so. When was the last time you nursed? My daughter was weaned 1/07. Almost 2 years ago. Are you sexually active? AHHH. I am NOT preggers! If y'all recall Mr P had a vasectomy and we used condoms plus I have had 2 menstrual cycles since we ended. They talked to the DR and he wants labs ran. I could have a high level of prolactin.
What does that mean? The nurse said if it is in the high normal range, it's no big deal. I asked what if it is not. She said we will run labs to see where you are. She completely changed the subject and did not answer me! Maybe she did not know the answer or she did and did not want to freak me out.
Labs will be run on Friday. I need to wait 3 days after expressing milk. The funny thing is the milk was so little. So very little. Nothing to write home about. However there was milk.
Time to google.
Curiosity got the best out of me & I called the OB/GYN. Why you ask?
Well my boobies are growing. They have since September. They will get really big (overflow the bra) and then go back to "normal". When they grow it feels like I am getting milk and they are very tender. The cycle seems to last 2-3 weeks and this is the 3rd trip if you will.
So, I called the Dr yesterday & talked to his nurses. They asked if I was able to express milk. Yes, I tried it last week or so. When was the last time you nursed? My daughter was weaned 1/07. Almost 2 years ago. Are you sexually active? AHHH. I am NOT preggers! If y'all recall Mr P had a vasectomy and we used condoms plus I have had 2 menstrual cycles since we ended. They talked to the DR and he wants labs ran. I could have a high level of prolactin.
What does that mean? The nurse said if it is in the high normal range, it's no big deal. I asked what if it is not. She said we will run labs to see where you are. She completely changed the subject and did not answer me! Maybe she did not know the answer or she did and did not want to freak me out.
Labs will be run on Friday. I need to wait 3 days after expressing milk. The funny thing is the milk was so little. So very little. Nothing to write home about. However there was milk.
Time to google.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Help me Rhonda
September 4th, 2008
Help me Rhonda! Help help me Rhonda!
Holy Hot Shit Bat Man! My sex drive came back. With a force. From out of no where!!! I do not think it has ever been this strong. I mean I had nothing for some time now.It is strong! It is powerful! It has used too many batteries ... poor BOB (battery operated boyfriend).
I was not in a rush or a real need to find a man. Now I kinda am. He is gonna be one happy camper!
Is this how a man thinks? Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. Sex. More sex. Poor, poor BOB.
Help me Rhonda! Help help me Rhonda!
Holy Hot Shit Bat Man! My sex drive came back. With a force. From out of no where!!! I do not think it has ever been this strong. I mean I had nothing for some time now.It is strong! It is powerful! It has used too many batteries ... poor BOB (battery operated boyfriend).
I was not in a rush or a real need to find a man. Now I kinda am. He is gonna be one happy camper!
Is this how a man thinks? Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. Sex. More sex. Poor, poor BOB.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
