our life is a song

April 16th, 2009
We are in bed.
GEEZ! Does everything happen in bed with us?
I am naked - again, common theme here???
I am waiting, waiting, waiting for him to start something. Do I get it? NOPE. Nothing. I'm sure it is not true but I feel like I start it all the time. I am PMSing and feel fat and want him to start this time.
I tell him good-night. I could tell that shocks him.
I roll over and he asks if I am OK.
"Yes" I lie.
Silence.
He turns the TV and the light off.
He comes to me and puts his arm over me.
I'm hot. I squirm around until the covers are mostly off me.
I sigh. Bastard. You are still not trying anything???
Nope he doesn't. He rolls away.
5 minutes later I pop up and say "Are you really that tired?"
"Well, no. Well, yes. I am tired but I am wondering what is going on with you."
"How come you are not trying anything" I ask.
"I did!"
"WHEN?"
"When I put my arm around you. I stopped because it felt like you wanted to be left alone."
"You have GOT to me kidding me! Putting your ARM around me is not trying! Kissing or inappropriate touching is trying!!!"
"Oh. Well I have dealt with this before and I was not going to try when you were not in the mood."
"Mr Big Man, these hormones are insane. I am ALWAYS in the mood. Remember, I think like a man now. I will NOT turn you down and you BETTER hit on me! What does this say about us? 5 months or so in and you are not wanting me? We should be bunnies! We should not be able to get our hands off of each other. How come you CAN keep your hands off of me?"
"I do want you, I just don't ... I could tell you did not want to be bothered. You were squirming around."
"YEAH! I was hot!"
"Ohhhh. Ohhhh." He thinks for a bit. "I ... I ... it seemed you did not want to be bothered so I was not going to bother you. I don't want to try to have sex with someone that does not want it back."
"I AM NOT HANNAH!! You can NOT take what I do and equate it to something she did. I AM NOT HANNAH!!" **side note, Hannah is his Ex-Wife.
"I know you are not her!"
"That is not fair, you can't do that!"
"I'm not!"
Silence. I start crying. Gosh darn hormones! I wonder if I should go home.
"Mr Big Man, I am not seeing you for 2 weeks after tonight. TWO weeks! For you to not try something ... it scares me. How could you not try???" The tears slow.
"You know how busy work is. I have been working 13 hours days getting ready for the business trip next week. I am tired! I just did not think. Well I was thinking then you popped up yelling at me."
The tears start coming again. DAMN PMS!
"Come here" he says.
I don't move.
"Come HERE."
I go. Slowly. Good Lord! How old am I? But you know, when someone hurts you it can be hard to seek comfort in them.
We talk some more. We talk about what I was thinking was wrong and what he was thinking that was wrong. At one point I said the conversation could have gone really bad. One of us could have gotten really pissed off. He agreed. I think this was our first fight.
I congratulate him on making me cry 3 times tonight. He asked if that was a record. I said not lately. He said we have lots of time before midnight, he could try to make the record.
I laughed.
I turned my head up to look at him. "I want you ... I want you to want me."
He starts to sing "I neeeeeed you to neeeeed meeeeeee."
That makes me laugh more.
"I'm serious!"
He says "Me too."