decision part 2

April 29th, 2009
I am talking on the phone with Amy. She wants to know what I am doing "waiting for Mr Big Man to call me", I am wanting to know what she is doing, "waiting for my boyfriend to call me."
We both laugh. It's funny. We are both waiting. Different reasons, different feelings we have about the wait but it's funny.
Mr Big Man calls. I hang up with Amy and talk to him.
He starts out about the chaos in his life. Goes into how he was talking to his parents about it. Mostly for them to listen, get it off his chest. Talk about areas in his life that he can not change (work, son, etc) and some areas he can (activities, sell his house, etc) and that he needs to simplify.
He does not want to regret spending time with me. He does not want the time he does spend with me to become negative.
He has an idea and wants to see what I think ... tell him if it's bull shit.
So far I am just listening. Taking everything in. I even think for a second if I should get a notebook out and write what is going on so I can remember ... I don't do this, I just think it.
He tells me the month of May is going to be crazy. His son's daycare is closed and Mr Big Man is taking LittleMan out of town for a week. Also Mr Big Man and Hannah will be flipping days a lot and there are some days that they do not know who will have LittleMan. School starts back up on June 3rd.
June 3rd is a key date. He wants to put us on hold until June 3rd then we could reconvene and see if we continue or if we are over. He does not know if again, this is a slow death or so much is going on with work that the negativity is carrying over to other areas in his life.
"Does this mean you want no communication. No seeing each other and no communication?" I asked.
He said yes.
"What do you mean about reconvening on June 3rd. What does that mean?"
"Well" he starts with a deep breath, "if during this time I think about you all the time and I miss you then I will know what is going on and we would continue with the relationship. If I don't think about you or I miss you but noooooot really, then I will know we are over. Also June 3rd is my goal date. To get rid of the chaos. Organize, have time to fix the things I need to fix and get stuff done. If I devote all my spare time to this them it could be done sooner. I may know in 2-3 weeks what I feel and make the decision sooner. June 3rd is my goal date. When LittleMan's schedule goes back to normal, when work should be back to normal. When the chaos should be gone. I know I am borderline depressed right now and I can't fall into that. I can't do that to my son."
My eyes close and the tears start coming. I think this is Mr P all over again. Almost the exact same thing. Chaos in their life, not knowing what to do, letting me go ...
"What do you think?" he asks.
"This hurts me. This is mean. This is selfish. How DARE you put a carrot out there and then tell me that the carrot may or may not be real. 'If I let you catch it then I will tell you if it is real or not.' THAT IS SO MEAN! You can NOT put that hope out there. You can't do that on a break up. Break ups need to be hard and a complete cut. I am hurt that you want to stop all communication with me -"
"We can still talk on email and phone calls here and there and send each other instant messages. Just not all the time. We-"
"You just said all communication would stop. I asked that!"
"We could still talk. Not as often."
"WHAT IS IT WITH YOU MEN-"
"HEY, HEY, STOP RIGHT THERE! I am not like other men. You can not take your experiences with other men and compare them to me. We are different. We are creating new experiences. Our own, together. You can't do that."
That actually makes me calm down a bit. I tell him he is right. I can't do that but by God I can think it! This is almost duplicate of Mr P! Pete and Repete went fishing. Pete fell into the water, who was left? Repeat, RIGHT???? YES! I really think this at that moment.
I say nothing for a bit. I think. My mind will not let go of the carrot he is dangling out there.
"So, tell me this, you want me to wait until June 3rd to see if we are going to start again. Is that correct?"
"Well, you can do what you need to do and I can do what I need to do. I'm not asking you to sit around and wait ..."
"I think you kinda are! Let me ask you this ... if I said all of this to you, what would you think?"
"I would think you were ending things with me but you were afraid to tell me."
"Ok, so is that what you are doing? Might as well come straight with it."
"I am not doing that."
"Mr Big Man, I am so angry with you. I am so angry that you are doing this the night before I was to see you. I have been counting on that day for so long! I have been waiting for it for 2 weeks! At the beginning of this ... at the beginning of all of this in November or so you said ... you said ..." I am in shock. My back is to the wall and I slowly slide down to sit. My hand is over my mouth. Tears are streaming down in huge waves. I think, this is a movie moment, dramatic and all. However no one is there to see it, it is real. It is real emotion and I just can't take it. "it doesn't matter" I whisper.
What was I gonna say? I was going to bring up he told me he would always treat me right even if it would be hard to do. He would always do the right thing.
We are silent. I am not going to change him mind. I am not going to try.
"Bye" I say softly and hang up.
I call Amy back. I am a blubbering fool right now. The sobs, the not being able to breathe again. It's terrible.
She convinces me to call him back, tell him something. I do. This I do write down.
"Hello" he says very calming almost like he was talking to a skittish horse.
"You giving me a month from now, June 3rd, is not good enough. I don't even want it on the table. I won't have contact with you. Even if you need to get your head correct, you should not risk loosing me. If you really cared, you should not risk it. I should not be disposable. I am better than this. I am worth more than this. I am not waiting. I am worth so much more. Bye." I snapped the flip phone closed.
I stood there in the kitchen and cried some more.