days after

May 1, 2009
I am so upset. I can't begin to talk about the grief I am in. I cried all day yesterday. I used Amy as my proxy and every time I would have emailed, IM or texted him I did it to her. It has only been 2 days but she has been bogged down with them. Not really it just seems that way. I just itch to communicate with him. To do something! To shake him. To yell "what the FUCK are you doing?". To hug him. To hold him. To smack him.
I bet you can image some off the wall texts she received. She is a trooper and she is taking it.
I have to pack tonight for I am going to the Omaha Zoo with my daughter and Melissa and her 3 kids. We are staying the weekend in Omaha.
We planned this at the beginning of the week BEFORE anything came down and I am so grateful for it. I won't be able to be sad, I'll be too busy.
Right now I am sad. And I hurt.
Everything is reminding me of him. His funk became my funk. I am a mess again.
I regret cutting the ties like that but it should help me. Should make it easier. He offered me tainted hope. I'm sorry but I can't have it tainted ... it has to be pure.
I am going between hatred, anger, sadness, grief, mourning ... well every negative emotion you can think of.
I know time will heal. I know time will make it all better. I just need the time under my belt.
The grief is overwhelming. I wandered around my house tonight ... what should I be doing?? I'm lost and confused and ... these damn tears will not stop. My heart is broken and the only thing I can do is grieve.
The packing can wait until the morning.