what IS the truth

May 3rd, 2009
"You have GOT to me freaking kidding me!" I say this out loud and with anger and a tinge of disbelief.
After the much needed trip to Omaha I am sitting on the couch Indian style. My bags are unpacked and my dear wee one is sound asleep. I am logged into Facebook. There are 29 friends online. I click to show me who is online and he is. Mr Big Man is online. I go to his page (I have not been there for a month or so) and every.single.comment I have made is gone. He deleted me.
"You have GOT to be freaking KIDDING me!"
I call Melissa. Tell her Mr Big Man is online. I want to IM him. She tells me to get off the Internet and watch TV or something.
I listen. But I disobey.
I "stalk" him. Looking at everything. This is bullshit!!!
Oh wait ... what is this?? Hmmm. Every comment is gone. All of them. He hid all of them. That right there is odd but in a small way makes me feel a tad better. I wasn't deleted, I was hidden. As was everyone else.
Still ... that is shady. Soooo shady.
Fucker. I am so pissed at him right now.
I go ahead and log off of FaceBook. I go to Plenty of Fish (POF) and I am going to create my dating profile. AGAIN. I do this with a smile on my face. I don't really look around for honestly I am not ready yet.
Next I schedule my pity party. Oh! I love them. I send an email out for my friends to come. At the party we will analyze everything, purge him out if you will so that I can move on.
There is a lot of laughter, some tears and it's fabulous girl time.
I go back online to Facebook. He is offline.
MOOD SWING. I am not angry. I am worried. What IF he was telling me the truth. What IF he really is in a bad spot. What IF there was no underlying meaning. Again, what IF he was telling the truth.
I go to his page and look at everything. I miss him. Oh my Gawd I miss him. The eyes water up. I hope he is OK.
I know one of his friends from going out with them a couple of times. She is a friend of his on Facebook. Jennifer is married to one of his best friends, Chris, and they live across the street from Mr Big Man. I send her an email via FaceBook. It says:
Hi Jennifer. I am not sure if you know or not but Mr Big Man & I are no longer together.
Mr Big Man was the one who ended things, I just re-inforced it (I think). The point is, can you have Chris check on him. Make sure everything else in his life is OK.
He is all kinds of stressed. Even if we are not together, I worry.
No need to let me know if you did this.
Thanks, take care.
Nikki
Oh I do worry. I don't know if I made a huge mistake #1 but if he was telling me the truth this was the right thing to do.
My heart still hurts. It's still broken. Maybe not a million pieces but at least thousands. I'm still 100% grieving.