conspiracy theory

May 5th, 2009
I feel guilty. I should not have involved others in this "What is wrong with Mr Big Man" conspiracy theory I have.
At work on Monday I ask Amy to log into my FaceBook and delete him as a friend. She is the ONLY person I would trust with my password! Amy wants to make sure I really want this. I tell her I do. If I tried I would fail. If she does it then it would get done. Aim de-friended Mr Big Man for me.
(sigh)
All of this still SUCKS!
I go to the gym after work tonight. Thankfully I can really go to town there with my frustration. After a quick shower Sasha picks me up in her new ride - awesome ride Sasha! - and we go to Terra's house for Bunco. I'm a sub this month.
I know most of the girls here. Several I am good friends with. Two I am super close with. Sasha & Beth.
They grill me. How are you?? What do you think is going on? I tell them to read my blog! haha. They want me to tell them now. So I share.
Beth says it really sounds like he is depressed. He should not have ended things like that but she is certain he is depressed.
Oh shit. I might be worrying for a reason.
Bunco was good. I was the LOOSER and took home $10. Yippee!
So I get home. It's around 10:15. I deleted his numbers. Did you know that? That is the first thing I do after a break up. Always! I delete all the numbers from my phone so I can't make "drunk" 2 AM phone calls or really ANY phone calls at ANY time. The problem here is, I have his cell phone number memorized.
I really, really want to talk to him. I pick up my phone. Nikki ... text Amy I think.
NO... she is getting to many texts and I think she would think I am crazy for not being over this already. Text Melissa S. NO ... she does not know the whole story yet. Text Melissa. NO ... she would make fun of me!!! Text Sasha. NO ... we don't text and she would be like "what the hell does this mean?"
I close my eyes and enter in his phone number. Yes! Manually! I text him "Hi". I see the mail box on the screen that says it is delivering. My eyes water again.
I MISS YOU.
Two hours later ... no response.
So I am broken here ... I write an email.
I KNOW, I KNOW!! This is terrible!!!! I have no self control with him!!!!! Oh my GAWD someone lock me up!
Mistake #2.
This is the email:
Mr Big Man.
I'm calling you out on your bullshit.
Because I care.
But I would like to say this first. With what happened last week I hope, for I am always hopeful, that you were honest and you are stressed. In that case, lean on me & I will bitch slap anyone who gets in your way. Well ... it will have to be a verbal take down but I can win on that!
I worry about you. It's one thing to end a relationship knowing that there is no longer a connection, there are fights, you just were not feeling it anymore, etc but not for the reasons you gave me. Wait. You did you say you were not feeling it anymore ... BUT you were not into anything anymore. It's not a "Nikki" only thing. Does your work have a number to call for counseling, like a free benefit to help their employees? Please check to see if they do. And if they do take advantage. I agree that you are / were depressed.
I have no idea how you feel. I have no idea what you are thinking. I have no idea what you want. I have an idea that you have no clue.
I sent you a text tonight. It just said hi. Positive thoughts were you were sleeping and did not get it. I never pegged you as one to "ignore". Hmmm, doubt it but maybe you are like me and delete all numbers. You might have been thinking "what fool is texting me hi". Yes I did delete your numbers. Sucks for me I have your cell memorized.
Yes I was walking on eggshells. Yes I do not like that. Yes I have lots of experience with it. However doesn't it all come down to communication?. Mr Big Man, cutting it like this is not an effective way to communicate. I thought we had fabulous communication ... didn't we? Yes, yes, I was walking on eggshells. However after the last 2 relationships I had, I told myself I would not do that again. I would bring issues up. I did this with you. I know you have been working hard and I know your mind was elsewhere. I knew April was going to be a hard month but did not realize it was going to break us. You hurt me because you let me go. I guess I thought I was not disposable or I was worth more to you. With ending it like this, you either screwed us or just me royally.
Was the whole thing a “It’s not you, it’s me” & “let’s be friends” speech?
I'm not shutting the door on you, Mr Big Man. You are in my heart. I'm just not going to wait. I can't. It's not my personality to devalue myself like that. It was a long time ago but not anymore. Having maybes at the end or June 3rd is mean, hurtful, degrading and rude. I'm worth more than that.
I want you to get better. With or without me, I want you to get better.
I do not need answers from you now. It would be nice but I don't need it. This email was for me, to bring me closure. To help me move on. I do miss you.
Take care.