game plan with dating

November 9th, 2008
I love game plans. I must be very goal oriented.
OK. The current status is I am still dealing with Mr P. I am not over him. I have been told by many to follow my gut. My gut tells me to believe him. In truth this makes me feel better about myself.
I wrote a long email last night to him. Yelling at him. Asking him what kind of person bails when life gets stressful. I just wrote it like I was talking to him. Lots of yelling. hehe. Regardless one line was "If it really is true and you can not cope at this time, then what I just did by sending you this email is the worst thing I could do to you." I did not send the email. It's sitting in my drafts.
I wrote it about 8PM last night. I felt so much better about everything. I got the last word in and "called him out" without him knowing. I am not going to wait for him but if he calls me or writes me I would have a talk with him regarding this and I would give him another chance.
Oh and Melissa S, thank you for being my text saver. I was able to send you such off the wall texts and you accepted them for what they were. Thank you so much.
I decided to renew my eHarmony account for another 3 months. It now ends the end of February. I also decided to sign up on Plenty of Fish - got that idea from a Single over 30s group on CafeMom. Within minutes I had emails & IM requests. I am not down with the IM but I said yes to one. It was a fun conversation and it cheered me up more.
I am going to go full force with dating others. I will contact everyone that meets my BASIC requirements (not to far away, has a job, wants kids, knows I have my daughter, non smoker, no drugs, NOT MARRIED) and run with it.
I may contact Mr P in December to see how he is. I feel this is what I should do. If he was honest I should give him another shot. I am figuring December because I know one major issue will be resolved by then. I set a tickler for that date so I will not be thinking about it daily. My gut tells me he was being honest. My gut is also telling me to get out there JUST IN CASE he was being honest but he is still broken.
GUT (I say to myself) please do not screw with me on this! I have a game plan and I am working on it. I like the fact I did a tickler so if I do meet someone and I am into them then I will not do anything about it. I will smile and say "Darling Nikki, thank your Gut". Either way, I think this is the right thing for me.
So I am off to surf Plenty of fish. Hmmm, you over there, how you are doing?

You say I am perfect?

November 8th, 2008

Mr P called me on Sunday night (2nd). Said I was beautiful, funny, kind, supportive, patient ... just perfect BUT something is wrong with him. Said he has been overworked before, has had problems with his X before, had other problems before but for some reason this time he can't cope. Said he has not been putting in effort at all towards me and that is not right. I deserve better. Again he does not know what is wrong with him but something is.
I said I have 2 questions. Are you seeing anyone else? No he says.
Are you still into me? He did not answer for a long time. I said well that is the answer you are not. He said no, that's it he is but again something is wrong with him. He is sorry. He does not want to hurt me. I am perfect. I am a wonderful person and he really likes me but something is wrong.
He said I can email him or call him. I asked why would I do that? He did not give a good answer. He said hopefully he will get out of this and maybe he would call me and we could get together again. Hopefully I will not be dating another. Hopefully he would not have lost his chance. Also said maybe I would tell him to get lost due to how he is reacting now. January is slower and he can breathe. Who knows what is going to happen. He does not want to hurt me.
I said I would drop off & disappear. I would not call him. If he missed me or wanted to start talking again he could contact me. I asked how come he could not say we just were not a match? He said he thought we were just something is wrong. How he is treating me is wrong and not like him. He is not acting like himself. This is not who is he ... something is wrong.
Again he talked about how wonderful I was and how well we got along and the chemistry was awesome and the sex was really really good. BUT something is wrong.
He brought up things from the past 2 months that I have told him. Hope your daughter stays well. Hope you get custody changed. Hope work slows down. Hope you parents are doing better .... Hope this hope that.
I said thank you, goodbye and I hung up on him.
I have never been dumped in such a nice way before. It still hurts.
I rounded up my girlfriends. Let myself have a pity party. Let myself over analyze everything. Let myself cry over what could have been. This will help me move on.
Thank you Sasha. Thank you Beth. My friends love me, pink baggage and all.

things I have learned about me this past month

October 17th, 2008
Yes, all this past month. Self discovery if you will.
1) I am a survivor
2) I am a planner
3) I am a natural salesmen
4) I bounce back quickly
5) I am attracted to powerful men
6) I still have great breasts!!!