June 5th, 2009
I lie. I lie to myself and others. I am not over it. I am far, far from over it.
I am HAUNTED.
I pine for him. Pine. That was his word. It's fitting.
My sorrow is so intense. It has a death grip on me.
I miss him. Constantly. I say I am ready to be his friend but I really am not. I am not OK with him not wanting me. I am not OK with loosing my love. I am not OK with being told he made the right decision. It really feels like my soul is torn. Ripped and shredded. Unraveled. The string, that one string keeps getting longer and longer.
I lie to my friends. My friends that read my blog. My friends that don't read my blog. I lie. I'm not ashamed that I am not over it but I do not want to hear it anymore. I do not want to be told to move on. I do not want to be told I deserve something better. I do not want to be told everything will be OK. I do not want to be told it will take time to heal. I do not want to be told I will meet someone else.
My heart and soul are broken. Period.
I will continue to lie. To you. To myself. To him.
I will continue to lie until everything I do not want to be told will happen. I will continue to lie so you will not feel pity for me.
Just let me lie to you. Let me make believe. Let me pretend.
This my friend is a true diary entry. If you confront me on it be prepared for me to lie. I will wear a mask of happiness, strength, wittiness and calm. It's fake. It's all a lie.
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Honey we all lie, its life, its common and normal. We tell people their hair cut looks great when its aweful. We tell them thier butt does not look big. We tell them we were indead out of town when they called and we didn't want to talk. We lie. All of us. To spare feelings that will get hurt, thier feelings, your feelings, our feelings. And I guarantee that if your lying, your not the only one. Someone else is lying too, someone else is holding back secrets. Maybe to spare feelings, maybe to spare the heart, maybe the truth is too hurtful, to hard to open up. Lying is sometimes the only way to get through things...its normal. We lie, we keep secrets, and we are our own worst enemies. We hate our selves for lying, but love the lies we tell ourselves.
ReplyDeleteThis makes me sad.
ReplyDeleteM
Somehow I think I had this figured out already. Seriously, maybe its time to go visit him and talk face to face. It is past June 3rd and maybe he is just saying those things because he was angry how you wouldn't wait for him..though I think you were right that you couldn't put yourself through that and it wasn't fair..but maybe, just maybe. If you care about him so deeply, what more can you lose. Especially if your heart is still there. There, I said it.
ReplyDeleteBeth
Just wanted to let ya know I love you girl. I know its hard and I know exactly how you feel. Its normal. If you ever need anything let me know! Do you want to come over tonight and hangout??? I could put the kids to bed early and we could chill,let me know! Xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteM.S.
Ooohh Seren-dipity-doo hit the nail right on the head!! "We hate ourselves for lying, but love the lies we tell ourselves."
ReplyDeleteThe fact of the matter is, you are going to be ok....but, you just keep on keepin' on....lies and all. We still love you.
Nikki, if you don't send this to him or as Beth said see him face to face then someone has to do it for you!
ReplyDeleteBe strong. Know what you want then fight for it. Do you want him? Fight for him.
Do you want to move on? Fight for that.
I have known you for a long time and I have seen you in and out of relationships. I have never seen you like this over a person before.
What are you going to fight for?
BBF
I disagree with most of the comments here. Why would you fight for someone who could run away like he has? And, if you do "win" him back, won't you always feel that you weren't "good enough" in his eyes to make him want to stay? You will always anticipate the same thing happening over. You have to lie to yourself a little after every relationship I think to get over someone, it's part of the process.
ReplyDeleteSasha;)
I say get on the treadmill and run until your legs fall off. Works for me!
ReplyDeleteMr. H