Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I hate me right now. I hate me! And I hate you and you and you

March 1st - March 4th, 2009
This was a hard day. And a hard post.
I wrote the title of this post as a thought bubble for all my friends to see in cyber land. I was desperate for help. I lost hope.
I started birth control pills in January. I have not had any good reactions to them.
Last month during the PMS time I was not "me". I was angry and sad. It lasted for 2 days maybe ...
This month starting on March 1st I really was not me.
I was so angry. I punched a wall. I am not a violent person in any way shape or form.
I was so depressed I wanted to die. I thought I did not deserve to live. My daughter will be better off without a crazy mom. I am an optimistic person and value life so this is not me either.
I was so sad I could not stop crying. I cried because the sun was setting. I cried because I could not control this. I cried because ... I cried for no reason most of the time. I cried so hard I had the hiccups. I cried so hard my eyes were swollen and looked like I was stung by a bee on the eyelids. I cried so hard I did not know how to breathe.
All of these were cycling. I would go to one mood then the other. 10 minutes later to another mood. There was never happiness. There was never calm. There was no positive. There was no hope.
I always have hope. To loose it, well, I was a mess.
I called my X and asked him to keep our daughter. I told him I did not feel well when in fact I was afraid of her seeing me like this.
I was in bad shape.
I could not stop breaking down.
I believe it was Sasha that told me to call the DR immediately. I did. They told me to stop taking the pills, come get a new pack (different brand) and start them when my new cycle starts. I was a good 2 weeks before I "should" start. This PMS started really early.
I stopped the pills. I was no longer angry the next day but sad and depressed. Once again I called my X to keep our daughter.
I told Mr Big Man what I did. He wanted me to go up there. I warned him - said it was not a good idea, I was a cry baby. He said he had a big shoulder to cry on. Get my ass over there.
I went over.
He made me dinner. He asked me to help by stirring the rice. I was mopey but not crying. Then I saw him make the chicken and I thought I would have no idea how to cook the food like that. The tears came. Fast. I had to run to the bathroom. I cried. It seemed like forever. The lights were out. He was singing. I calmed backed down and went back to the kitchen. He pulled me close, kissed my head and gave me a hug. He said nothing.
Later I was sitting on the stairs while we were talking or maybe he was picking up. I heard a song on the radio ... I don't remember what it was but it was a love song. I started crying again. He sat next to me and put his arm around my shoulder. He also held my hand. I didn't want him to know I was crying again but it was kind of hard to hide.
Again he said nothing about the crying. He kissed me on the head and squeezed my shoulder. He held me, cracking jokes until I stopped crying.
I cried in bed too. Not during sex but while trying to sleep. I don't think he knows. This time I cried because I felt I hit the jack pot on boyfriends and felt my hope again. I missed my hope and I am glad he brought it back. To feel hopeless is a bad, bad thing.

Monday, March 30, 2009

red wine or white wine?

February 28th, 2009
How could I forget this?!  My birthday was a few days ago and I was not able to see Mr Big Man.  He did wish me a happy birthday by singing me a voice mail.  He was a male Marilyn Monroe.  Very sexy!  Very cute.
I went to dinner with a lot of my friends and I happily skipped out of there at 9:00 to go see Mr Big Man.  I was to collect my birthday gift.
He was acting all smooth and suave and told me he had to show me these cool tools he got.  Oh ya, that sounds like fun!
He brings me this wicker basket and tells me to open it.  I look at him.  I look at the basket.  "Is a snake gonna come out?"
He laughs and says no.
I open it very slowly.
It's a picnic basket!!  That's my present!  It has a picnic blanket, wine bottle and opener, wine glasses, cheese, crackers ... I mean this thing was loaded with a romantic wine picnic!  I was so touched.  It is very beautiful.
We were in bed later and my head was on his chest.  His arm was stroking my back.  He said "I have always told you I am an understated man.  I really care about you."
I said "I don't understand when you say that to me.  What do you mean?"
"I really care about you" is all he would say.
He then kissed my head and we drifted off to sleep.

Friday, March 27, 2009

worry wart

February 25th, 2009
So he did not say he loved me but I know Mr Big Man cares.
I went to my OB/GYN Doctor the other day for my yearly exam.  I found out I grew.  In height.  No kidding!!  After puberty I think we should be done growing, don't you? It was not a lot but it was there.  I have always been 5' 1/2 an inch since I hit my height and now I am 5' 1 3/4.
Also with the increased sex drive, the headaches, the crazy moodiness and everything else, this does not look good to me.
It does not look good to him either.   He was asking me for all my symptoms and asking more questions.  He was being Dr. Big Man!  It was sweet. 
He sat me down and told me that he was worried and really wanted me to look into things to make sure all is well.  The combo of everything points to a tumor (non cancerous) and he strongly urges me to see another Doctor.  He said again he really cared about me and he was worried and wanted me to make sure I was OK.  
Looking at him made me realize he was taking this seriously and he went out of his way to talk to me about this (I kept trying to change the subject) and it did amaze me how much research and time he put into this.
It warms my heart even more.  Time to make the appointment!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

with these 3 words

February 16th, 2009
We went to dinner at a Japanese restaurant. All during dinner I kept looking at him, wanting to tell him something but I couldn't.
We made it back to his house.
I was cold and he pulled me to him and we swayed back and forth. He just let the dogs out.
His arms were around me and I had my hands between us ... trying to stay warm.
I said "Can I ruin this moment?" It was peaceful. He said "You can do whatever you want."
I started ... "Remember the email I sent you over the weekend. It said I read 2 things and thought that is SOOO me and I FEEL it? One thing I told you ... it was 'Your smile makes me want to misbehave' and the other started out with 'Oh FUCK'."
"Yes I remember. You were going to tell me in person what the 'Oh FUCK' meant."
I stayed quiet. Then I began again. "Well it ends like this ..." I couldn't say it. I took deep breaths. He squeezed me tighter. My face was turned sideways. I was not looking at him. I can do this, I thought. I have to do this, I thought. I told my cyber friends I was going to do this! Loudly I said "OH FUCK" and I looked up into his eyes and continued "I love you". Oh fuck, I said it. Out loud. To HIM.
He smiled. Said "I really, really, dig your chili."
I'm serious.
I start laughing. "What does THAT mean??!!!" I ask him as I am still laughing.
He says "I can't say I love you right now. I will only say it when I feel it. I do like you. I really really like you."
I accept this. But he really digs my chili??? haha
I have never made chili for him. He just made that up.
I do love him. And he really really digs me. And my chili. He cracks me up. I want to keep him. Maybe forever.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Happy Valentines Day

February 14th, 2009
All the way up until the 11th I "knew" I would be able to spend V-Day with Mr Big Man but I also "knew" I would not be able to see him until the 9:00 hour.
On the 11th he said he got a baby sitter and we would have a proper date.
That meant so much to me.
I arrived at his house around 7:30 and asked where are we going?
He did not make plans. Are you kidding??? It's Valentine's Day!! He said he called around and most places had a long wait. Ya! It's Valentine's Day!! We would play it by ear.
You know, at least he put effort into getting a babysitter, right?
We ended up at the same brewery of our first date. That kinda fits doesn't it?
I don't remember what was said but we indicated it was a table for 2. I turned to him and looked lovingly into his eyes and gave a little smile. I couldn't help it. He looked so kissable and I had to pull him down to me to kiss. It was a quick one but sweet. The server saw then says "please follow me." We are still looking into each others eyes and Mr Big Man says "after you sister."
I said "OH.MY.GAWD." Then I hit him. Not hard mind you, just a how dare you say that slap on the belly.
The servers face goes into shock mode then she starts laughing.
It was pretty funny.
We had a great meal and head back to his house.
The TV was on Sports Center - the baby sitter is a male Senior in High School - and we sit and chat for a bit while Mr Big Man makes sure Little Man is sleeping.
The baby sitter leaves.
Mr Big Man and I talk, we just enjoy the time. That is until he realized Sports Center is on. His mind zeros in there. I was like Oh NO! Sports Center is not taking Mr Big Man away from me on Valentine's Day! I decided to be naughty and give him a present. A present with my mouth. That was given below the belt. **oh no she didn't!!** Oh yes I did!
That took his mind off of Sports Center! Isn't that every sport enthusiast males ultimate dream?? Well I gave it to him.
I was well rewarded later.
It was a passionate night.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

shout outs

February 10th, 2009
Ok, I know I have make jokes about his stamina. Truth be told he is amazing. Mr Big Man has high stress at work, gets little sleep, forgets to eat (recall the Rules post) and IS 41. He is very impressive.
We usually go once. Wait anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour later and go again. The waiting it not waiting for him to recover, it's just we start talking or whatever until one of us gets back in the mood.
This time, this time was special. It was amazing! I have to call it our best sex ever.
It was the true slam bam thank you ma'am with hot and heavy and hard thrown in. Yummy! Well he was done and I was not. I was still moving around a bit and then wow! He starts up all over again. I don't think it was 2 minutes. I know he did not have time to ahh ... deflate completely. It was impressive. I was proud! He went long time the second time! Yippee!!! He would blush and growl my name if he knew I was talking about this! haha
I was very vocal. Afterwards I did say "that was THE.BEST.SEX.EVER!"
Hey! We gotta give the man his props.
Standing applause in this corner!

Monday, March 23, 2009

hit and run please

February 8th, 2009
So I am a little crazy. I never claimed I was not.
Since getting on the birth control pills I am not myself. The sex drive has gone back to normal I think but other than that ... I have insane mood swings. Kinda scary. Kinda crazy. He sees them. Mr Big Man knows what is up and does not freak out. He said he figured it would take 2 months or so to level out in me.
Hopefully that is true. Gotta love a man that can take the crazy moods in stride.
So, I asked him this day if he remembers the 31st of January. He said yes and told me all about it.
Then he goes into telling me how he talks about me. His family knows about me. His friends. His neighbors. {side note here. on one visit I walked in the door and his phone rings. I heard him laugh and then hang up. He said it was his neighbor and they said "atta boy" and hung up. how funny is that?!}
Mr Big Man said everyone wants to meet me. I thought that was great but I was thinking I did not know how we would work it since we have our children opposite weekends. He also said his mom will tell him if I need to go. She was silent on his marriage and was not going to be silent anymore.
Oh no!! I want a hit and run meeting. Meet the parents. Walk out. He said no. Damn!

Friday, March 20, 2009

so there are warts.

February 6th, 2009
Na na na na naaa. I get another sleep over. Hell ya!
This time it was not due to our custody schedules matching or some pre-arranged custody schedule change. No, this time I got an over night baby sitter. Grandpa & Grandma to the rescue.
They have been asking for this for about a year now. I finally gave in. I felt guilty as hell but know this is not a bad thing. Every one won. That's a good thing.
I still felt guilty.
Mr Big Man picks me up in the big city where my Dad and Step Mom live. We are having an official date. We are going to a dinner then a movie. Our first movie.
So far I think we have both been on our best behavior. Tonight I get to see some warts. There was terrible traffic. He make it late to my Dad's. The traffic to the movies was bad. We ran out of time to go out to eat.
Subway to the rescue. So we thought. They have a drive thru! How cool is that? We sit and wait and wait. We talk to screen. Nothing. OK, do we go in? We are in a hurry! The movie starts in 20 minutes. Ok, lets go in.
The lady behind the counter moves sloooooooowly. So sloooooooowly. The ham is put on perfect. Oh wait! Let's adjust it some more. There, perfect. The cheese is layed down so gently. It also needs to be adjusted.
He was frustrated. I can tell he wanted to YELL "JUST HURRY UP!!!!!!" But he didn't. I started laughing. He walked away for he was so frustrated. I kept laughing.
10 minutes later we left. He was bitchin about Subway the whole time. Ya, they were so damn slow. It was amazing. We got to the movies with 6 minutes to start time.
I have told you this before, Mr Big Man is 6'4. I am 5' 1/4 inch. He was walking quickly. I had to jog to keep up. I yelled "HELLO? There is a short woman here. Slow down!"
He took my hand and walked faster. I was dying with laughter at this point. And running!
We picked up our pre-paid tickets and stood in line to get our drink. We picked the shortest line.
Murphy's Law kicked in.
10 minutes or so later, we were able to purchase our $18 drink and popcorn. At this point he starts laughing too. Nothing has gone right.
Again we run to the room showing the movie. It was 'PUSH' by the way. We made it in RIGHT before the movie started. We missed all the previews. His favorite part.
The movie was good.
On the drive to his house I called my Dad to see how my daughter was. Just fine, she went to bed without any problems. That made me feel better.
We make it to his house. I get all ready for bed again. Hair up, make-up off, teeth brushed. I walk to him where he is sitting on the bed.
He made love to me last time. It was my turn to make love to him. I did. It was great. It was great. It was great. It was great. I think it was great. It was full of my love.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

slow, sweet, tender

February 5th, 2009
We got another sleep over!!! I do not know how I am getting these to happen but I am loving it! We are playing adult house.
We go out to eat for dinner and just have a good time. Lots of laughs as always.
This night is important for another milestone was hit.
There is sex. There is animal sex or the "F" word. There is making love.
We have always just had sex or animal sex.
For the first time he made love to me. It was slow. It was sweet. It was tender. It was romantic. It was truly intimate.
I, of course, had to call him out.
I said "You realize you just made love to me, right?"
Mr Big Man was quiet. Thinking. He slowly nods and says something like he could not argue with me on that.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

He protects

February 4th, 2009
Chatting on the phone again we talk about how this blog is going. He wanted to know if I still wrote. He wanted to know how everything was going. He knows the address but does not visit the web site.
So he claims.
I have the widget / counter / thingy that tells me who visits my page. I can see where they are from. YES I collect your cookies! So far his town has not shown yet.
However another town has. One town in particular that keeps popping up. Over and over again. It's my stalker. I tell Mr Big Man about this.
He is calm for he is always calm but his calm changes. He moves into this James Bond calm. Give me details. More details. I will look into this. I will make sure you are OK. I will ... I will ... I will...
He will protect me.
It's cute!
So my stalker ... Mr Big Man knows all about you. Plus he has added a new personality? Oh gosh! I can't add another nickname!! He already has - what - three?! I guess James Bond will have to combine with Mr Big Man.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

officially official

February 3rd, 2009
I am gonna claim this. Mr Big Man loves me too. He either does not want to say it, does not realize it or I am plain wrong. Let's stick with the first 2 shall we?
On the phone I am sitting on a step stool in the kitchen. All the lights are out except for the low light above the sink.
We are talking about us. One of MY favorite subjects. I tell Mr Big Man I want an anniversary date. We can go with when we first discovered each other on Plenty of Fish (POF), first phone call, first date, first time with sex ... whatever I am open.
He thinks we should go with first date. I said OK. That is December 2nd, 2008.
We are 2 months old.
I ask him if he is bothered by me wanting an official anniversary date. He said no. It was something that mattered enough to me to ask for it so he was going to give me it.
He says such things to me often. I think he means it.
He is SUCH a good man. Such a good man Charlie Brown. Did I tell you that is one of his nick names?? Ahh, Charlie Brown. I am blessed to know you.

Monday, March 16, 2009

I felt like cleaning the mirror

January 31st, 2009
Part deux
I forgot to mention this and I wanted to add it because I thought it was too funny. I am so relaxed with this man.
After the night out with his friends we come back to his house. He is letting the dogs out and I tell him I am going to get ready for bed.
I do! I totally put my PJs on, I take off my make-up ... he has seen me without make-up people!!! ... and I start to brush my teeth.
He comes up and he is talking to me while I do this. When I am done I clean the toothbrush and tap it against the sink. You know, to get the extra water off. Well I am doing this tapping rather well and water goes flying all over the mirror. All over! Even at the very tippy top!
He does not realize this until I start laughing then he was like "what are you doing to my mirror?".
I know, I know you HAD to be there but it was very funny.
He gets to see the make-up free, mess makin', hair in pony tail, PJ wearin, needing to step on the scale and see how much I weight ... no he checks while I cover my eyes, tired and ready to go to bed kinda gal I am.
And he still likes me!

Friday, March 13, 2009

6" stilettos

January 31st, 2009
I have wanted this from him. I have craved the passion. I have missed it.
I got it.
Friday was our 2nd sleep over.
I sent him a naughty email during the day telling him a fantasy I had for this evening. I said I was wearing a dress and that he needed to take advantage of that. That is all I am sharing with you! Use your imagination. hehe
So, I leave work at 5 and go to my hair appt. I get a hair cut and she curls my hair at the end. Big, sexy, romantic curls. Mr Big Man likes curly hair.
I arrive at his place. I am so excited! Did he read my email? Is he going to "follow the instructions" of the fantasy?
I am wearing a dress. Yes, I know I told you that already ... but with the dress I am wearing my 6" stiletto high heels. I am hot.
He has the garage open for me to park in. I love that he gives me the garage. This is a trend I hope he continues.
I leave all my over night stuff in the car.
I walk into the house.
You hear the click click click click of the heels on his hard wood floor. I love that sound.
The dogs start barking. They come down to greet me. "Mr Big Man" I call. Yes I call him Mr Big Man in person too (not all the time mind you). I stop in the living room by the couch.
I hear him coming down the stairs. My heart is pounding. It was a hot fantasy. GAWD!! Did he read the email???
He sees me. His eyes get big and he gives me a big smile. "You are fucking HOT" he says.
I smile back.
He comes to me and kisses me. Softly at first then more aggressively. He stops and takes off my panties.
Oh my word! Are you as hot and bothered as I am??
He starts to have sex with me. All of a sudden he lifts me up and carries me up the stairs to his bedroom. I am still wearing the heels and the dress. He is inside me the whole way up.
We fall to the bed.
THIS is passion people! Holy hot shit. It was amazing. It was sexy. It was powerful. I think I will need to wear the heels more often.
Afterwards, as we leave the house to meet his friends for dinner, I ask him if I should put the panties back on or leave them off. He tells me to leave them off.
I do. We have a good time with his friends. Several times during dinner and drinks I would catch him from the corner of my eye staring at me. I would see his small smile. I know what he was thinking.
In the morning, after having sex again, we are on our backs and my arm is up over my head and we are holding hands. There was silence. No talking. No music. No TV. Nothing. I think this is the most beautiful moment right now. It it real. It is what I have been missing. I love you. Where have you been? I am glad I found you. I love you. I do not tell him this. I do say to him "Mr Big Man, remember this moment. Look at the time. Remember the day. Remember what we are doing and how you feel. Remember this moment. In the future I will tell you why I wanted you to remember it." He looks around. Checks the time. Looks at me.
"I will remember it" he says.
It was so peaceful.
He made me breakfast. As I was leaving I asked "do you remember the moment?"
He says, "I do. I remember the day, January 31, 2009, 9AM, we were in bed, we were holding hands, I remember what you were wearing - nothing but a sheet that was only covering half your legs and I remember what your face looked like. I remember what your breasts looked like. You were beautiful. I remember."
How long do I / can I keep this secret to myself? I am in love.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Brings me to center

January 29th, 2009
I am driving down the road. In my own little world. It's been a rough day. Emotionally and physically. My mood is off. I am unhappy.
The phone rings. It is Mr Big Man. Do I answer? I'd really rather be alone and be unhappy by myself.
However I do like him. Ring, ring.
I better answer.
I do. He starts off all happy and chipper. Asks how I am. He knew from earlier I was not having a good day. I told him it was the same. He does not try to "fix" the situation as most men do. He listens. He did the "aha" and "oh" at the right times. After I vented I felt better! I told him so. He said he was glad for he did not like to see me that way. He cared about me. Wants me to be happy and healthy and he would do what is needed to get that done. Again he said he cares about me.
When Mr Big Man said that to me I had a fleeting thought. It came and went very quickly.
Can you guess what it was?
I bet you can. It was I love you.
I am not sure if I really think that or not. One thing I am sure of is Mr Big Man knows what to say to me. He knows how to bring me back to center. That I do love about him. THAT I have not found before in a boyfriend.
Two times I have thought I love you. I guess 3rd time is the charm??

Monday, March 9, 2009


January 26th, 2009
I am reading a book. It is a very good book.
There is a scene where the women in the neighborhood are getting together and all the children are together at one house where the men are watching the kids.
The women are having a ball together.
I put the book down and image myself in that situation. I daydream.
After the fun with the women we go back and mingle with the men and the children. I go to Mr Big Man.
I sit on his lap and give him a kiss while watching our children play. I then turn to look at him and say "I love you. This is a perfect moment. You are holding me. Our children are playing with the other kids in the neighborhood. Everyone is laughing and smiling. What a perfect moment. I love you."
I snap out of the daydream.
Holy crap! Did I just say I love you? AND TWICE AT THAT!
Scary daydreams!! Don't come around no more and cause trouble! You hear me???!!!

Friday, March 6, 2009

Rules Rules and more Rules

January 25th, 2009
Seriously? We have rules? We are 2.5 months in (approx) and I had to throw out rules? Can you image his thought process when I told him I needed to start rules between us? haha
I bet I scared the crap out of him. hahaha
Sorry Mr Big Man.
Ready to hear my disgusting rules?
Rule #1. Get sleep.
Rule #2. Eat
Rule #3. Scratch that itch!
These terrible rules were brought into the relationship because this man … this Mr Big Man had a terrible habit of staying up to late and then he has an excuse that he can not perform 5 times a night because he is TIRED. Big baby.
Plus he “forgets” to eat and when I get there he has his food in the microwave and I have to wait for him to eat ... and digest ... before I get to be the whore like me.
And then he can only scratch that itch so much because he is tired AND food deprived.
Insane man. Heed these rules! Obay them! Never break from them!!
He agreed to my rules. Said they are very important. He especially values rule #3.
He is so fun to play with!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Our Saturday

January 21st, 2009
Mr Big Man and I decided to ditch the condoms and go flesh to flesh. I really wanted this. I love the knowledge of what is being pushed into me and the power of those pushes. The climax of a man rocks.
We had a STD talk and there are no worries there.
I started on birth control pills earlier this month and the pills say to wait a week before relying on them as the only form of protection. I saw him day 8. This was Friday night last week. We talked about how we were going to do this.
He did not want to take any chances. Mr Big Man said he would go without a condom but would not release in me. I was like “WHAT!” That was the point, you know!!
I asked “Today is Friday and if we had sex every day what day would you come in me?” He said Saturday. Yeah, that is being safe! Instead of day 7 you will go day 8? Whatever. I will never understand how a man thinks sometimes. I made him promise he would deliver on Saturday.
I did not get to see him on Saturday. In fact, Sunday through Tuesday went by too. I was not able to see him until Wednesday night.
It was a perfect Wednesday night. We played house. I got my first sleep over and brought my over night bag!!
Mr Big Man cooked me dinner. People! How do I keep getting guys to cook me dinner? I mean I never have to cook for them! I need to keep this up somehow.
The meal was good. It was a rather quiet meal. I helped with the clean up and even washed dishes. Hand washed! I told Mr Big Man I must really like him to do that. He said he noticed and he was impressed. He is very aware I hate to hand wash dishes. I was lucky to get a big ol kiss.
We did some errands, puttered around. Seriously! Just like date 2, we left the house and ran errands! After coming back to his house it was time to go upstairs.
I love walking up the stairs. I always start to get giddy.
I am sitting on the bed. He gets undressed, no biggy, just so very casual. He climbs into bed. I stare at him. I look into his eyes and take my clothes off. I can tell that turned him on big time!
We kiss. Lots of kisses. Long kisses. I am at an awkward angle so I swing my leg over and straddle him. He goes in. I whisper “today is our Saturday.” He stops kissing me and looks at me hard. He pulls me closer to him and goes to town.
I love how I do not need to explain myself. I say something random and he knows what I am talking about.
Afterwards we are laying in bed and talking. I said “you know you have to wake me up in the middle of the night and we have to have sex again.”
“Yes, I will wake you up in the middle of the night” Mr Big Man says.
“You promise?” I whispered this. My eyes were closed.
“That I promise” he whispered back. His voice was husky.
He kept his promise. He always does.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Caution: Move with care

January 19th, 2009
Things are going really well with Mr Big Man and I.
We are still going at it like bunnies. It keeps getting better. The last sex clocked in at an hour. A freaking hour! I had the most intense orgasm ever. It included huge involuntary ab crunches! Oh my word it was fabulous. I am still the whore with him and proud of it.
Let’s get off of sex for a bit. I know, I know, a journal without sex is so unlike me. Whatever, get over it!
This whole time I have been nervous. I was thinking I really like him but something is missing. What is missing? Something. This is not good. Does it mean I need to end it because I am not in “love” or have the thoughts I am in love when I really am not? AKA confusing lust with love.
I am impatient and thought ah bah humbug. It should be there; maybe not true love but the lust / love thing. What is missing?
Let’s analyze. I am at peace with him. Total peace. I do not recall ever being at peace with someone. With Mr P there was no peace, it was electricity all the time. Constant nerves and fear I would push him away by being too into him. With my X there was arguing over everything. We had lots and lots of passion about everything. We never had calm.
So I am at peace. On Friday the 16th I asked him when I was going to see him again. It was decided next Friday the 23rd. Normally I would feel … shy if you will, ahh, I would feel apprehensive to say I did not want to wait that long. I would accept and suffer. I know, I know, totally against what I would do in the real world with my friends.
This time I told him I wanted to add Wednesday night in too. I was not apprehensive. I was not nervous. I did not feel like I was being pushy or over bearing. I just told him what I wanted.
He said yes. We added that date in.
It was simple. It was easy. Like always.
I think that is what is missing. The struggle. I always had a struggle. I always had some unease about the relationship. I did not know where I stood, I did not want to push him, I needed to play the game, I could not let on how I feel, I could not talk to them like a real person for they were animals that scared easily … move with caution …
There is no struggle here.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

He agreed

January 13th, 2009
It is in the evening and we are on our usual late night phone call. I am pacing while I am talking, nothing new there.
Somehow we get on the subject of marriage. I bet I brought it up! Well we are on the subject and I blurted this out:
"If you ask me to marry you and IF I say yes then we would need to go to marriage counseling before we got married."
He was not stunned.
He was not scared.
He agreed with me. Said it was a great idea. We would do that.
He said when he gets married he wants it to be forever.
I love love it when we agree on things.

PS I think I try to scare him on purpose ... sabotage it if you will ... but he never takes the bait! Mr Big Man is so laid back. I've never met anything like him.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Funny hardy hard har

January 12th, 2009
I am playing here.
When my boobies decided to grow to huge proportions to my body I also experienced an increased sex drive. Wow, fun, great, right? Ah no. I have never had a sex drive this big. I can't have enough. I want it now. No, NOW. No, I am not kidding, right freaking now. I want it to last hours. No joke.
I should be hooking up with a man that has the sex drive of a 22 year old.
So, it was great and wonderful with Mr Big Man the first time. 5 times. HOWEVER it was not long enough. Maybe 15 minutes each "session" Ya, ya, first time jitters is the excuse I heard.
So, the second night we went 2 times. There was a time frame involved so I had to leave after the 2nd time. By the way I wanted it again, for 2 times was not enough. And again it was not as long. Maybe 20 minutes. What can that time frame be blamed on?
So the third time was 3 times. No time frame. I actually made a comment that I needed to look at the clock to see how long we went. I did not tell him why but again it was not long enough. Maybe 20 minutes. This is driving me batty. I am officially a whore. A non-paid whore.
Let's break it down. This is the sex drive of a Miss Darling Nikki:
New relationship sex drive (bunnies)Increased hormone sex drive (booby thing)Regular sex drive
Three sex drives going on for me.
I do not think he can keep up with me. I think I could go happily every day at least 3 times. That would be at a minimum. My usual would be 2-3 times a week at a MAX.
When he left on Saturday night I asked when we are going to see each other again. His first response was Friday. I thought I would kill him. I am sure he saw the daggers from my eyes. He then added Tuesday night too.
I did start BC pills on Thursday. I am hoping it will curtail this sex drive. Right now what it is doing is making me a beyotch. I am a horny beyotch. A moody horny beyotch. What a sexy combo.
I am playing here.
Not really.