Caution: Move with care

January 19th, 2009
Things are going really well with Mr Big Man and I.
We are still going at it like bunnies. It keeps getting better. The last sex clocked in at an hour. A freaking hour! I had the most intense orgasm ever. It included huge involuntary ab crunches! Oh my word it was fabulous. I am still the whore with him and proud of it.
Let’s get off of sex for a bit. I know, I know, a journal without sex is so unlike me. Whatever, get over it!
This whole time I have been nervous. I was thinking I really like him but something is missing. What is missing? Something. This is not good. Does it mean I need to end it because I am not in “love” or have the thoughts I am in love when I really am not? AKA confusing lust with love.
I am impatient and thought ah bah humbug. It should be there; maybe not true love but the lust / love thing. What is missing?
Let’s analyze. I am at peace with him. Total peace. I do not recall ever being at peace with someone. With Mr P there was no peace, it was electricity all the time. Constant nerves and fear I would push him away by being too into him. With my X there was arguing over everything. We had lots and lots of passion about everything. We never had calm.
So I am at peace. On Friday the 16th I asked him when I was going to see him again. It was decided next Friday the 23rd. Normally I would feel … shy if you will, ahh, I would feel apprehensive to say I did not want to wait that long. I would accept and suffer. I know, I know, totally against what I would do in the real world with my friends.
This time I told him I wanted to add Wednesday night in too. I was not apprehensive. I was not nervous. I did not feel like I was being pushy or over bearing. I just told him what I wanted.
He said yes. We added that date in.
It was simple. It was easy. Like always.
I think that is what is missing. The struggle. I always had a struggle. I always had some unease about the relationship. I did not know where I stood, I did not want to push him, I needed to play the game, I could not let on how I feel, I could not talk to them like a real person for they were animals that scared easily … move with caution …
There is no struggle here.