Thursday, April 30, 2009

i'll get your attention

April 13th, 2009
I am working but I am at a Country Club.
My hair looks awesome! I am wearing purple which I look very good in. My make up is on. I am looking good. In fact I would say I am looking HOT today.
This will turn out to be a good thing.
I am helping set up the room. When done I walk to the windows and stand in front of the glass door. There is a buffet line. I see they get to eat BBQ today. It smells yummy. I am looking at all the food. My eyes drift and I notice it is a huge golfer meet. Or whatever they are called. Lots of golfers. Getting their "T" on, maybe?
A person calls me "Nikki, do you think ...." We chat for a bit.
I turn to look out the glass door again. Right in front of me is Mr P.
Mr P! Getting food in the buffet line.
My hand comes up and knocks on the glass. I am not even thinking. I see him and I knock.
He turns, sees me and smiles.
"Nikki, can you help me with this?" the other person asks.
I do not smile back, I turn and walk away.
I get his attention and walk away.
I remember. Oh God, I remember. I remember the insane chemistry. The incredible passion. Just being in the same room with him and SPARKS would come out of my body towards him. Insane chemistry. We were matched 100% there. He could not keep his hands off of me. He tried not to. I tried not too! We both failed. Wow. I never knew chemistry could exist between 2 people like that. It was overwhelming. It was incredible passion. The best I have ever had. I remember.
I also remember the unease I had. I remember being cautious. I remember not trying to scare him off. I remember walking on the egg shells.
He dumped me. I found peace with another. I am luckier over here.
I am hot today. I know I am. And I walked away from him. No smile. I got his attention and left. How about them apples?

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

impatient. who me?

April 12th, 2009
Long story short, I got to see Mr Big Man tonight. It's a visit that lasts from 6:00 to 10:00. FOUR whole hours!!! Again long story short, I re-arrange MY schedule so I can see him.
We are watching TV. One of our favorite shows is on. He has already seen 3 out of the 4 episodes we are watching. I am cooking dinner - OK, OK, you can stop your heart attack now for I was NOT cooking for him! I was using a slow cooker and the dinner was to be frozen for another time - and I was running back and forth between the kitchen and living room.
I keep asking questions because I am missing stuff AND he has seen it before.
I don't remember what the question was but as soon as I asked it he says "You are impatient!"
I turn to him, slap his leg (in a kind, loving way) and said "I TOLD YOU THAT!"
duh! Anyone who knows anything about me knows I am impatient!
It was a good evening. We played. We laughed. We teased. We were relaxed. We were happy.

the aftermath

April 11th, 2009 part 2
Hours after he left I was like - what the hell?? He just came, literally and left. I will see him the 16th and then not again until the 30th.
Shouldn't he have tried to stay longer?
Shouldn't he have made a point to leave his house on time?
Shouldn't he have wanted to be with me?
The phone rings and it is Krissy. I talk to her about it. Tell her I feel like this is not a relationship anymore. We are not moving forward. We are in a rut.
She says it almost sounds like we are in a long distance relationship when we only live 30 min from each other.
True. That is what we are doing.
We are not growing and we are having a long distance relationship.
I don't know what to do...

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

drive by shootings

April 11th, 2009
Have you ever seen the convenience stores called Cum and Go?
I have. I think they were on the East Coast.
Every time I saw them I would laugh at the name, thinking who would venture there?? I didn't. 
Well it looks like I had no choice today.
Mr Big Man was on his way to his parent house for the Easter holiday. He said he would stop by ... are you figuring out where I am going here? ... for a visit. He had to be at his parent's house by a certain time.
Well he is late. Later than he thought he would be.
He comes into the house and I make him fix my smoke detector. Can't go up in flames here, you know!
Get this, he does this without a ladder! Without going on his tippy toes! I can jump as high as possible with everything outstretched and still be a solid foot away!
I digress ...
He fixes it. I tell him I have to go to the bathroom. I do. When I open the door to come out ...hehe... he is in my bed. Naked. Giving me this come hither look! It was too funny.
I tell him to hold on, I better lock my doors!
I came back and ... well ... he ... comes. Or cums. I hate the spelling of that! Gives me the heeby geebies.
Then the bad boy gets dressed and heads to momma's!
It was a drive by.
OK, I am giggling here. I see a huge pecker spraying something out of the opening while he waves and drives by.
A hit and run! HAHA.
OK! I am dying here! Can you see it too? HAHA
Oh memories.

Monday, April 27, 2009


April 5th, 2009
"Hey.  Are you online?" he asks all excited when I answer the phone.
"Get online.  I emailed you something I really want you to see."
I mosey to the laptop and get into my GMail.  (sorry Melissa, I had to pimp it for I love it so!)  The subject of the email is 'house'.  Nothing is written but there is an attachment.  The attachment is called 'Mr Big Man house'.  really it's his real name and not the nickname, he does not refer to himself as Mr Big Man.
Hmmm.  What could this be???
"What is this?"  I ask him softly for I am starting to get excited too.  
"My future house.  It's something I have been working on for sometime.  Can you see it?  I am going to build this.  What do you think?"
"Wow!"  I open it up and there is the drawing of the house.  I can see the outside of the house and where all the rooms are.  I really like what he did ... except something is funky with the front door.  But, and this is a big one, he has a wrap around porch.  My heart pitter patters.  I LOVE wrap around porches.
I tell him I really like it and we talk about what rooms are on which floors and the layout in general.
"Ah, Mr Big Man, what is up with the front door?  How come it is so far back?"
"I don't know.  I have been working on this for some time and I am still moving things around.  Why, do you not like it?"
I don't like it.  I think it should be moved up.  AND I have other ideas of where the bedrooms should be.  ALSO I think the upstairs layout needs to be adjusted.  AND the basement ... what is going on there?
I throw all my input at him.  I figure if that psychic was right, we were going to build this house.  I needed to be sure I was upfront with him from the get go.  Also if he was open enough to share this with me and ask what I thought, he really wants to know!  
The next day he sends me another email with an attachment.  Same attachment name.  I open it, my changes where there.  Not all, but a lot of them.
I tell him later that he needs to save two copies of the house plans. One called Mr Big Man & Nikki and one called Mr Big Man only. That way if we build this house together, all will be good.  However if we break up he might want to go back to the drawing board and revert back to the original plan.
"But I don't think you will" I say. 
"Because our plans will kick ass and your plans will ... well ... suck!"
He laughs.

Friday, April 24, 2009


April 4th, 2009
Another milestone.
I met his best friend. My father was watching my daughter while Mr Big Man and I went out to dinner and then to his friend's house.
I really, really want Mr Big Man to meet my friends but it seems to be to hard. They are not available when he is and when I am. It should not be this hard, just make it happen but it is this hard. It's very frustrating to me.
BUT I got to meet his best friend and his wife. It was nice. I heard funny stories from their childhood. They have been friends since age 3. They are 41 now. GAWD, looking at "41" .... sounds so OLD. I am dating a 41 year old. I am in love with a 41 year old. That number looks so disturbing ...
WOW! That was off topic. They both talk like each other when talking about certain subjects. It truly was funny. The wife was super nice and to top it off, the first topic was about their sex life! I was like, wow, this is great to know so soon! It was hysterical.
The big news, big, big news is that I found out Mr Big Man tried to get his custody schedule changed. I was like, wait a minute, you never told me this! I dropped it but if you know me I brought it up again when we left.
"So tell me, when did you try to change the custody schedule?"
"About a month ago. Hannah kept having to switch days due to work conflicts so I asked if we should just change it for good. Flip the weekends so I would be on the same schedule as you. I figured she would be up for it since it would help her but she got all excited and said 'NO! My work schedule goes out into the summer and I work every weekend I do not have Little Man.' So that did not work."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"She said no so no changes were made. I didn't want to upset you either. It'll work out. We will get it all worked out."
I think he likes me. I think he thinks about me. I THINK he is moving towards the future. I wish he would tell me these things.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

smells fishy

April 2nd, 2009
Sleep over, sleep over, sleep over!
We are banging these out, huh?!
Today is our 4th anniversary with dating and our 5th month of knowing each other. Seems like a long time ago I met him but really it isn't.
So much occurred this night but I want to talk about one thing. Tuna.
Yes, good ol tuna.
You see, I am a tuna fan. While debating what we are going to have for dinner (neither wants to cook or go out) he is opening up cupboards and I spot tuna. Not just one can mind you but 50 or so cans. I burst out laughing. Who has THAT many cans of tuna in their house???
I say "Ohhhh, TUNA!! I want TUNA!"
He didn't seem to think it was a funny as I thought it was.
Now the fun part. How many ways are there to make tuna? I am sure hundreds but I really like my tuna my way. I'm picky like that.
I tell him I could eat a whole can on my own. He says he could too (another me TOO moment).
I tell him I want to make my can my way.
He says he wants to make his can his way.
Death glares are staring each other down. It's too much and we start laughing.
He sends me to my side of the kitchen. "Don't you step foot on my side!" he says. I proceed to gather my ingredients. Thankfully they were on my side. Poor him, his ingrediants were on my side too (I got the better side!) and every time he ventured over I shot dirty looks. He plunks down my can of tuna and says "Don't you dare let your tuna touch my tuna" very sternly.
The giggles start up. They don't stop. The giggles turn into loud rolls of laughter. How funny is this? How old are we? It was such a fun time.
We finish making our tuna and sit and eat. I eat most of mine then I am full. He finishes all of his and then finishes mine. He admitted mine was pretty damn good. Ahhh, duh! I know!!!
By the way - my tuna never did touch his tuna.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Our weekend - part 3 of 3

March 29th, 2009
He took me to his church! I know that is important!!!
I was SO tired. I was raised Catholic and I went to Church when I was younger so I remembered all the kneeling. But, Dude! (yes I said dude and yes I called you it!) When you are so freaking tired that is too much exercise!
We ate breakfast afterwards. During breakfast I kept shutting my eyes. I was barely functioning. I was not even thinking. I would fail if I was ever interrogated and tortured with sleep deprivation. In fact I would spill every secret I know. Should I admit that???
Also, I am a tad bitchy ... don't laugh to hard ... without sleep so I was questioning everything he was telling me. In a bitchy way.
On the way back to his house he says he needs to show me something. It's on the way home but there is a short detour. We drive into a neighborhood and down to a cul-de-sac. There is an empty plot of land. Mr Big Man says "This is where I want to build my house."
ding, ding, ding Score another one for psychic lady! She said we were going to build a house. I start laughing. He wants to know what is funny and I said I would tell him some time in the future. Mr Big Man then tells me where the front door is, the garage, the layout, etc. It sounds beautiful to me. PLUS the lot was very nice.
We made it back to his house.
I was so exhausted. I told him to let me sleep for an hour. I had to make it to my friend's baby shower so I figured an hour would do me good.
I strip and crash into his bed. I am almost out but I am aware that he kisses my forehead. Then I am out.
He should have woken me up at Noon.
He let me sleep. I woke up at 2:50. I was like holy crap! I missed the shower. I jumped out of bed to find him.
I find him in the office. He says, "NICE outfit!"
"How come you let me sleep so long? Oh and thanks!" I feel better from the sleep so I shake my hips all sexy like.
"You, sugar, sugar, were dead tired and YOU needed your sleep. You were a touch bitchy."
I was a touch bitchy, huh? Really? He calls me out like that. I can't get mad. It's true. In fact I already knew I was. I can be one mean and nasty bitch without sleep. In fact I think I tried to pick a fight at breakfast. I think. I'm not 100% sure. My wits were not there. I can not be held liable for anything that happened!
"OK" I said. "Well, let's get it on since you like my outfit."
"Can't right now. I have to take stuff over to someone. I should be back in 10 minutes. Rain check for then?"
You bet I was thinking! Walking him out I see a MESS in the kitchen. He sees me seeing it. He tells me where the vacuum is. He can tell it was driving me crazy and I needed to clean it. I vacuumed in the nude! At his house! He only saw the beginning. He had a pretty big smile.
SEE!! I DO want to be a 1950s housewife!
He makes it back, we get it on and then we are talking. Lazy afternoon, don't you love it? I mention our standing Thursday date and thinking about what we can do.
"Oh, ya. I forgot to tell you. I have Little Man on Thursday. I had to switch nights with his mom because she has a work conflict."
Daggers. Daggers are shooting out of my eyes. I can feel them!
"Don't look at me like that!" he says.
I close my eyes.
"We will work it out" he says.
I nod. We will.
He takes me back home. He gives me many kisses. As I was walking into the house he says "Thanks for getting me out of funk. You are what i needed."
What do you think of that?

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Our weekend - part 2 of 3

March 28th , 2009 part 2
It was time to go to bed. I was very sleepy but I could not sleep. My mind would not stop working. OK, so I forgave but I have not forgotten. I need to move on. I need to get over it. He said he was sorry. It just shows how ... it just shows how ... well, crap I have no idea what it shows. Sleep, Nikki, sleep!
But why sleep when he is still awake?!
"Mr Big Man" I start. "What do you think of me?"
Pause. Silence. He turns to me.
"That is a loaded question." He says.
"No it is not."
"How am I to answer that?"
"With honesty. What do you think of me?"
"Well" he starts out slowly "You are organized, a good mom, you tell it like it is, you are funny, heck, you laugh at my jokes." He stops.
I say nothing.
He continues, "You are a pretty cool gal, good qualities and you are interesting. You are thoughtful, you have something to say and it's not jibberish, you are easy to talk to, good with money, stable, happy. I love your smile. You have good teeth! You have a beautiful laugh." He stops again.
I say nothing.
He continues, "You have really come around, life is getting better and easier for you - there is no more drama with X. I can see you growing and thriving. Did I already say you are kind? Well you are. You see things with a smile and you have positive energy. I am not drained when I am with you. I am happier and life is easier when I am with you. Oh ... you are hot AND cute. That is a hard combo. It's pretty cool. You are smokin! Sexy! And we have a great time in the bedroom." He stops again.
I am silent. I am digging this!
He then asks "What do you think of me?"
I say "You seem like a good parent-"
He cuts me off with "I am a good parent."
I look at him.
He says to continue.
I say "You are a good man. I call you Charlie Brown for a reason. You are strong. I love your patience and calmness. You are easy going but again strong. AND, I think I have a stronger sex drive than you."
"Oh no you don't!"
He attacks me. Just what I wanted!!! We had amazing sex.
He falls asleep. I stay awake, wanting to sleep but ... no. My mind goes over everything about the day and what he thinks about me.
I think I fell asleep at 6:00 and he woke up and 7:00.
I'm a light sleeper so that woke ME up.
"Do you want to go to Church with me?" he asks.
WOW. The psychic said this would happen! Scary.
Because I did not answer right away he said if I did not want to go that would be fine, he would let me sleep. He also noticed how tired I looked.
I said I would go to Church.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Our weekend part 1 of 3

March 28th, 2009
The KU game was last night.
This was our weekend with no children. First weekend.
Mr Big Man said on the phone last night he would call me as soon as he woke up. He would wake up around 10.  We have had bad weather so he was to come get me.  He has the 4 wheel drive.
I'm so excited to spend the day with him!!
I wake up around 9:00. I make a cup of coffee and I relax on the couch. I wait. Nothing. I decide to take a shower. I make it a long one. I even shave my legs!
I eat. I'm impatient but you know, he is sleeping late, right?
I change the sheets on my bed. I pick up. I watch TV (my DVR is my soul mate!). I do the dishes. I wait. I wait. I wait.
I am no longer patient.
I am pissed. This is OUR weekend. This is OUR only weekend without children. What the hell is he doing.
Oh no, no, no. I am not calling him. No sir. I am pissed off. That man better call me.
I wait. I wait. I wait. I clean. I clean. I clean.
It is 4:45.
I call him.
"What is going on?" I get out.
"Hey! How are you? Not much what are you doing?"
"Did you just wake up?"
"No, I have been up since ... oh ... maybe 10:30."
"What have you been doing?" My tone is neutral. I am seething but my tone is neutral.
"Nothing. Just sitting around doing nothing."
He was doing nothing. Are you fucking kidding me?
"Why did you not call me?"
"I didn't think about it. I have been in a funk. I guess due to KU loosing and drinking last night, well it was a bad combo."
"Mr Big Man, I am sad, disappointed and hurt right now."
The bomb of Nikki on the wrath has been released.
I get passionate *that means yelling* about the time. "This is our 1st child free weekend in 5 months and you do not call, you do nothing while you could be with me. YOU KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THIS WEEKEND WAS TO ME. I HAVE BEEN SO EXCITED. NEITHER ONE OF US HAS OUR KIDS. AND YOU DO NOTHING?!! I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU TO CALL ME. AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT?? THIS IS BULLSHIT! ARE YOU SERIOUS THAT OUR WEEKEND IS RUINED BECAUSE FUCKING KU LOST??!!"
Oh boy, oh boy am I mad!
The crying starts. I am so upset I start crying.
"Nikki, I don't know what to say. I screwed up. I should have called. I'm sorry. I don't feel right today. I'm in a funk. I will come and get you if you still want me too."
I asked what he wanted for he knew I would always choose to be with him and he said he would come. He never mentions the KU thing again and he does not comment on the fact I was questioning the relationship.
I know I yelled more things but with the passion I had, I do not remember all of it.
I call Krystal while I am waiting for him to come get me. I tell her the news. She tells me to drop it. This is "normal" for big time KU fans. Just have fun tonight and enjoy the time we have.
That is easier said than done.
Mr Big Man gets to my house at 7:00. 7: freaking 00. Nice weekend huh? Calm down!!! I can be calm. Forgive. Smile at him! You need to forgive. Give him a kiss. Oh damn! That was a big hug. Ohhh, he kisses me again.
He did say he was sorry again and that he was in a funk and he was not trying to hurt me. I was right, he should have called me. I bring him out of "funks" and bad moods so he should have called me. I said I forgave him.
See, me being big!! I forgive him.
We do our thing. We go out to eat and I ask if we can go shopping. I have a baby shower to attend and I need to buy the items. He says sure that sounds like fun!
We go to Target and he helps me buy the items. We had a me TOO moment on what we would buy or not buy for baby shower items. Leaving Target his best friend calls. They talk most of the way back to his house. Towards the end of the phone call Mr Big Man tells his best friend that he wants him to meet me.
That brought out a real smile. Maybe first one for the day.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Rock Chalk Jayhawk??

March 27th, 2009
This is our first weekend in 5 months that both of us do NOT have our kids. I really want to spend the whole weekend with him.
Him, well not so much.
You see KU is playing a March madness basketball game Friday night. Tonight. He already informed me (long time ago mind you) that when March madness comes he would be focused on that. 100%. Go KU!
Whatever. I am not into basketball and I do not understand how people in the Midwest get so involved and take everything the team does personally. Especially college stuff. I have had conversations with other people here and IF they are into college basketball they are HARD CORE in it. So again, whatever. If the team looses then I get to spend more time with him, right?

The team lost.
He was very upset.
He was not Mr Big Man. He was not Joey. Nor Charlie Brown. In fact, he was someone I have not met before. He was mad. He was hurt and pissed off that his team lost. Hurt is my word, pissed, mad and other ugly emotions were his words.
Have I told you I just don't get it? I mean, I just don't get it. Yes, you can be upset but THIS upset? There was cursing ... we curse in normal conversation but this was out of anger ... just pissed off meanness. He was not mean to me, just about the basketball game and how his team lost.
It did not scare me. It did not make me think he was showing a red flag. It make me scratch my head, turn it sideways and say "huh".
He admitted to me that his was him at his worst.
Dude, over a basketball game? I don't get Midwest boys.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

witty much?

March 25th 2009
Mr Big Man has the option of seeing me Wednesday or Thursday night. Both would be 9:00 showings.
I send him an IM during the day. I ask if he could select Wednesday night (tonight) instead of Thursday. He said he really thinks Thursday night would be better.
Hmmm, did he not catch my hint? It needs to be tonight!
So I said my reasons why it would be better, work reasons, daughter reasons, I have class reasons, etc. He said he would think about it but really thought it would be Thursday.
He said he could not read what was written in capital letters. haha! He also said he thinks he will do Thursday. Hmph!
Well guess what. He came over. I was so happy! I love that he bowed down to the peer pressure!
We watched 2 TV shows. What I have come to realize is we like the same shows. We laugh at the same jokes. We think along the same lines when we are being funny / witty. We laugh at what we say ... like I think I am funny and he thinks he is funny and guess what? We both are!
It really is nice for I have never had that. The witty banter that is.
It was such a relaxing night. Again very peaceful.
This peace is amazing.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

phone calls

March 21st, 2009
I feel whiny. Get over it, I think. Ya, whatever. I miss the man.
Usually we would have seen each other this weekend. He would have come here. This weekend he has his son due to Spring Break.
Both have children = no see each other.
It makes me sad hence the whiny.
We do what we have to do which is revert to our phone calls. I would say the past month or longer they have not gone over an hour. They usually end at 30 minutes. At the beginning it was 3 hours!! Remember that? I do.
This night was a great phone call night.
I went to my friend Melissa's house and had a psychic reading. She tells me right off the bat that I was getting married in 3 months. WHAT!?? My reply was when is he going to ask? Soon she said. Well, shouldn't he say he loves me first? That would be weird if he didn't! Basically we are getting married in 3 months and the reason why things are not moving along quicker is because he thinks he needs to pay off all debt before doing anything and I need to tell him to forget about the debt and live life. It will be paid off and we will be happy. Blah, blah, blah. OH! We will have a son and build a house. We are also taking a trip to the West Coast next fall. HMMM.
I get home, put my daughter to bed and called him.
He asked what the psychic lady said. OK, I was all bold at the reading and said I would tell him everything but now that it comes down to it I can't! I did say he needs to not worry about the debt and live life. He said OK, he was doing that. I told him in 3 months something big was gonna happen. He said "you are not having a baby are you?" I said "if I did, it would not be yours."
haha. I am sooooooo bad!
Now that I see that, it was kinda rude! Oh Gosh. Thankfully he laughed.
Anyways, the conversation continues and all is well. He made some random comment that I called him a woman during one of our make out sessions. I totally forgot about that!! But I did call him a woman! Why would I ever do that you ask? He wouldn't give me any, remember?! I completely 100% wanted the sex and he would only give me foreplay. No sex. I was pissed. I laughed that he brought it up and then said "Wow, that must have really caused you grief. I am sorry. I did not mean it the way you thought. I am sorry."
He forgave me but kept bringing it up! I was thinking OK, now he is totally being a woman (we do bring up things that happened 5 years ago when we need arsenal). I am still cracking up about that!
The conversation went really well. There was a lot of laughs. Lots of me TOO moments. It made me want to reach in the phone and squeeze him tight. Too bad I couldn't.
At the end he said this was one of our best conversations. I have to agree.
Key notes from psychic: I would be married in 3 months - she was thinking a July wedding
I would have a son
We would build a house
My X would not cause problems with the marriage or us getting together (remember Mr Big Man lives 30 away from me)
I would be invited to Church and I would go regularly
He would love my daughter like his own and he would want to adopt her

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

think sexy not hairy

March 19th, 2009
Background: We have not seen each other since Sunday. Phone calls are short in the evening. I miss him. His back is out still. Was told no sex due to this. He was still in a lot of pain. I hit the gym earlier in the evening and have taken a shower - did not shave for I hate that and hey, no sex right? - got to his house with wet hair, no make-up and PJs on. I'm sure I look like a goddess!
Stage: On the bed. Just watched one of our favorite TV shows.
Scene: I straddle and lay down on him. I make sure this does not hurt. I kiss his neck. He rubs my back. I like to be as close to him as possible.
"I missed you" I say against his neck.
"Me too."
"You missed yourself? That's sweet. Did you miss me?"
He does not miss a beat. "Maybe. I'll let you know."
"Sounds great."
He continues to rub my back. His hands come around to my front as best as they could. He is teasing me. I kiss his neck. He keeps rubbing. I then say "Mr Big Man, you better stop. I did not shave!!! This is not going to happen. I need you to think 'sexy' when you see me, not 'hairy'." I promptly licked his neck. Secretly I really want this.
"You are sexy. You will always be sexy." He keeps rubbing. Then he starts to pull my shirt up.
"What about your back?!! You're broken!"
"It'll be fine. I am not that broken."
That's all it took. I was like, game on!
It was a good time. I had double exercise. I was one tuckered out woman after that. Hmmm.

Monday, April 13, 2009

can you make a mountain out of a mole hill too?

March 15th, 2009
Okay! I told him I would text him when I got home. I started to. Didn't finish. I did not want to worry him but I was still so upset.
I went to bed. He texted me in the AM, wanting to know if I was OK.
He then called at 8:15ish and left a message. Are you alright? Did you make it home OK? I am worried. Let me know you are OK.
I texted back I was OK.
So, he shows he cares, right?
This is normal. This is what he does. He cares.
Am I making an issue when there is none? Possible. Very possible.
I need to talk to my Chickas.
Jenni. Thankfully we had a lunch date scheduled. She said there is no time frame to fall in love and she thinks he does care and would not string me along.
Aim! Amy I call for she knows what is up. She KNOWS. I was sabotaging this. STOP!
Alright I will.
I feel jipped. I didn't get my 2nd sex session!!! haha. Good Lord, what is he going to do when I loose this sex drive again?
I call him. Ask how his day was. We chat. I ask if he wants company later. He said yes. He is always up for seeing me.
I went over, again 9:00. We kiss and make up. Well, he has no idea there is a need to make up for this was all in my head, right? Poor soul.
I still got the make up sex.
Afterwards I cried. Just a little. Small tears came out for I was thinking how I could have screwed all this up. He asked what was wrong. I said nothing. He wanted to know what was right. I laughed. Cause you know, if nothing was wrong something had to be right to make me cry ...
I said everything was perfect.
I drove home this time with a smile on my face.

Friday, April 10, 2009


March 14th , 2009
I am so excited to see him.
It's a 9:20 showing. I get there. We watch TV. During the commercials I straddle him and we make out. I can tell he loves it but hates it too for when the show resumes I get right off and act like nothing happened.
Such a tease I am.
After the show I quit teasing. We get it ONNNNNNNN.
We are talking now. I ask if he has thought about when to meet each other's children. If he had any dates or time frames in his mind. He goes on about no time frames but he has thought about it. Thinks he will do it when his son is ready. His son is 5.
I ask "What does that mean when your son is ready?"
Mr Big Man says "Well children are never ready but when I think he is ready and he will be OK knowing Daddy has a special Lady friend. He figured out today I was talking to a woman on the phone."
I go silent. He asks if I thought of a time frame. I said I always had 6 months in my head. I go silent again.
My mind is turning. What does he mean when his son is ready? When is a 5 year old ever ready? His son is not acting out from the separation / divorce from over a year ago. His son has adjusted. What does he mean? Is this a bull shit answer?
He asks what I am thinking. It snaps me to attention. First thing I hear is the radio so I lie and say I am listening to the music.
He accepts. I know he is talking to me but I am not listening.
My mind goes back to racing. That IS a bull shit answer!!! What does this mean? He knows I love him. He has NOT said it back. I have not said it again to him.
Does he think he will never fall in love with me?
Oh. My. Word. He thinks he is never going to fall in love with me so we would never need to get the children involved. Oh. My. Word. I am freaking out now.
He's asleep.
Bastard. How can you fall asleep when I am freaking out??? How can you not love me? Well OK, I understand one does not choose to love someone but one can let the other go when they figure out they are not "the one" or they will never love the other.
Oh my. This is terrible. This is crushing.
The alarm goes off. Usually this signals our next sex session ... yes I know, odd but whatever, naps work for us.
I quickly get out of bed. I can't have sex with him right now. I have to leave. I have to leave now.
I get dressed. He gets up and walks me downstairs. I know he is confused but he is also sleepy. He won't ask questions now.
I give him a kiss good-bye. I act nice. I am not mean. But I HAVE TO FLEE NOW. Now before I break down and cry in front of him.
I get in the car and leave.
I cry the whole ride home. It's lonely at 2:00 AM.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

yes, I am growing

March 13th, 2009
My arm is bruised. Dark yellow and purple. Starts on the top of my hand where the IV was and twists down my inner arm until it reaches my elbow. It is also swollen. It still hurts.
I call the Doctor to see if this is normal. Yes the Nurse says.
"Oh, by the way, you are on my list to call. The MRI came in and there is no tumor. The Doctor is stumped. You should have one with all the symptoms you had. We have to send you to an Endocrinologist. Also all the blood work came back OK except the growth hormone was elevated."
Well at least I was not crazy when I said I grew!
I call Mr Big Man at work again. HOT DAMN. I like that voice mail. I mean seriously. He needs to talk to me like that all the time. The panties would drop! Anyways, I leave a message.
He calls me back. He starts talking about the hormone, gave it a name and what it could mean. I asked how did he know all this stuff?
"If there is something that effects someone I care about I will research it until I know everything. I can be obsessive on it. This was one outcome. I will have to look more into it to see what the next step is."
Mr Big Man googles everything! I tell him not to be Doogie Howser MD and let the Doctors freak me out, not him.
He agrees not to freak me out but he is still going to read up on it.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

MRI day

March 10th, 2009
I am on the sliding thing - you know the slidy thingy that goes into the tube. Knees elevated. They are trying to insert an IV in me. I tell them I have small veins and they should use the butterfly. I mean, yesterday they drew 4 tubes of blood so I know what I am talking about.
5 tries later they get it in. That freaking hurt! The IV is in my right hand... well the opposite side of my wrist, more towards the top of the hand than the arm. It still hurts. They inject some dye into the IV. I can taste it. Eww, metallic.
They secure my head. They ask what music I would like to listen to.
They push me into the tube. I close my eyes. I remember a friend telling me to tell them to turn the music up for the MRI makes loud noises. I yell that to them. The volume goes up.
There are clicks. Does that sound mean it is taking pictures or is it from something rotating in there? Click, click, click.
I try to relax but my hand / arm but it still hurts and if I turn it or hold it "wrong" I can feel the pull of the vein. It really does not feel good.
Just listen to the music. Relax. Reeeeelaaaaaaaaaax. Don't move that arm!
Hey this is a good song. I sing in my head.
Click, click, click, click , click.
This is not so bad.
Another good song.
They pulled me out. Whoa! What just happened? We're done? Oh, OK. That was not bad at all. In fact I may have started to drift off to sleep - with my arm at an awkward angle.
Results are going to my Doctor in about a week or less.
My arm still hurts. I take inventory and see 5 cotton balls on my arms. 3 on the left and 2 on the right. Don't they teach these people how to insert IV's into people with teeny veins?
I head back into work.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

my soul to keep

March 9th, 2009
We wake up normal week day morning time. He heads to the shower ... and well, you know what happens. If not, review some older posts.
On the drive to the Doctor's I recall how earnest he was in telling me to call him right away at his work. I never call his work. I have the number but I know how busy he is so I never bother. However with something like this, Mr Big Man wants to know right away.
The Doctor's office is very nice. I have never been here before, in fact Mr Big Man told me to try this place. This is where his Doctor is. The wait was short. The Doctor was super friendly as were the nurses.
I detail all my issues. She asks me more questions. I answer.
"Well, from what you told me this fits perfectly into the scenario that you have a tumor in or around your pituitary gland. We need to get a MRI done. This is not something to wait on, we need to act now."
They schedule it for tomorrow.
I removed myself from the situation so I was very calm. I took all the information on where the MRI was and how to prepare, etc. I am so very calm.
I call Mr Big Man. It goes to his voice mail. Well hot damn that is a sexy voice mail. How come he does not talk like that normally? I hang up and call back. WOW. I like!! That is one hell of a sexy voice mail. I will have to call every day to listen to that!! I leave a message telling him to call me and how much I enjoyed his voice mail.
I call my Dad and he is busy so I talk to my Step-Mom. I call my Mom.
Mr Big Man calls me back. I tell him what is up. The appointment is during lunch tomorrow. He asks if he could have lunch with me before or after the MRI. I want to but have to decline due to work.
As the day goes on I tell more people. They all tell me not to worry. It will be OK.
It will be OK, right? I can't die from this, right? I might have to have brain surgery but it will be OK, right? Right??
I start to pray and one particular prayer comes to mind. Do you remember this?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
If I should die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take

Everything will be OK. It has to be.

Monday, April 6, 2009


March 8th, 2009
I have a Doctors appointment tomorrow morning.  This is to find out what is going on with me.  The appointment is first thing in the morning.  The Doctor's office is located in his town which is 30 minutes away from me.
I call Mr Big Man.  I ask how much do you want to see me?  I mean we were together Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday.  He wants to know what is going on.
I am nervous.   This could be terrible news.  This could be no big deal news.  This could be no news.  I am nervous.
He tells me to come on up and he would love to have me.
I go.
The first thing he does when I walk in is give me a big hug.  It's long, it's tight and it comforts.  It's what I needed.

Friday, April 3, 2009


March 7th, 2009
Mr Big Man comes to my house this time. First time in a long time. I feel relief. Mother nature finally arrived and there is no sex. The first time in almost 2 months he comes to my house, there is no sex. Am I pissed off?
Not at all. Not at all. Surprised? I kinda was!
We watch TV. We like the same shows! We laugh at the same jokes. We laugh small or we laugh big but always the same. We are in sync. There were many me TOO moments.
We decide to get into bed, yes, knowing there is no sex. He pulls me close while we watch more TV. Our legs are intertwined. I decide to move my leg up and down his leg. I feel it. The comfort of him. The no drama. The peace. Sometimes the moments of peace overwhelm me. I am not use to it but I love it more than anything now. It's my salvation.
I stop moving my leg and become drowsy. We drift off to sleep. He has to wake up at 2:00 to leave. I tell him these are the moments I hate. The leaving at 2:00 AM. He agrees.
Hopefully sometime soon it will change.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

coffee with cream please

March 6th, 2009
Every morning after a sleep over he gets out of bed first. I get to snuggle into the covers where it is warm and cat nap.
I hear him turn the shower on. The tap, tap of the razor hitting the sink tells me he is shaving. I hear him get in the shower. I imagine the water flowing from the shower head and hitting his body. I love the sound of the water hitting the floor in big splashes.
The shower turns off. The towel comes off the shower door. Time for me to get up.
I walk into the bathroom. Usually he is hanging out in the closet picking out his clothes so he does not see the HUGE bed hair I have. I try to tap it down a bit so it is not so poofy. I weigh myself. The morning weight in is the most accurate one of the day, I believe this will all my heart! He walks out of the closet to greet me. Sometimes I let him read the numbers ... sometimes I don't. I make some mention of the moon effecting the scale weights.
He leaves to let the dogs out.
I brush my teeth, take my shower, do my hair and make up and get dressed. I make his bed.
When I walk into the kitchen I find him eating breakfast and he has a hot cup of coffee with creamer all ready for me.
He offers me breakfast, I turn it down and take the coffee. Give him a kiss and he walks me to my car.
I get another kiss and off I go driving during the sunrise to work.
I love that from day 1 he has made me coffee. Just for me. Not him, just for me.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

alarms ringing

March 5th, 2009
Sleep Over! Oh how I love thee. We get to spend a lot of time with each other and I get to sleep when I am tired. I tell you, the evenings when I get there at 9:00 and leave at 11:00ish are very draining. The next day I am exhausted. This short girl needs sleep!
We decided to try something different for dinner and go eat at Dillions. Yes, the grocery store! They re-vamped the one next to a new upscale Wal-Mart that will be opening soon. Yes I typed that right, an upscale Wal-mart. Oxymoron, huh?
Dillions went all fancy schmancy and they have a buffet line / restaurant style food area. In the dining area there are leather seats, real silverware, a fire place!!!, I mean this is nice. In a Dillions! I want one of them here.
We get our food and just as we are getting our drinks and to sit down the fire alarm goes off. It is loud. There is an alarm every 4-5 feet from each other. WE ARE YELLING TO TALK. WE YELL THAT WE NEED TO MOVE AS FAR AWAY FROM THE ALARMS AS POSSIBLE. WE YELL AS WE MOVE TABLES. PEOPLE ARE YELLING IN NORMAL CONVERSATION. IT IS VERY LOUD. WE LAUGH. OUR EARS HURT. WE YELL UNTIL THE ALARM GOES OFF. THE ALARM DOES NOT GO OFF FOR A SOLID 10 MINUTES.
When the fire men saunter in to turn the alarm off and we hear the sweet sound of silence that is when we realize we are still yelling at each other. It was pretty funny.
We then decided since we were at Dillions we needed to go grocery shopping. And we did! Are we boring or what? In truth, I like it.
Due to the new birth control pills we have to go back to using condoms for a bit. Well, the whore went away for almost 3 months. The whore is back! I begged him - yes BEGGED him to go in without one. He said no. Damn it!!!
An hour later after the sex hormones and dopamine go down I am thankful he tells me no. This man catches me. Every.single.time.