Rock Chalk Jayhawk??

March 27th, 2009
This is our first weekend in 5 months that both of us do NOT have our kids. I really want to spend the whole weekend with him.
Him, well not so much.
You see KU is playing a March madness basketball game Friday night. Tonight. He already informed me (long time ago mind you) that when March madness comes he would be focused on that. 100%. Go KU!
Whatever. I am not into basketball and I do not understand how people in the Midwest get so involved and take everything the team does personally. Especially college stuff. I have had conversations with other people here and IF they are into college basketball they are HARD CORE in it. So again, whatever. If the team looses then I get to spend more time with him, right?

The team lost.
He was very upset.
He was not Mr Big Man. He was not Joey. Nor Charlie Brown. In fact, he was someone I have not met before. He was mad. He was hurt and pissed off that his team lost. Hurt is my word, pissed, mad and other ugly emotions were his words.
Have I told you I just don't get it? I mean, I just don't get it. Yes, you can be upset but THIS upset? There was cursing ... we curse in normal conversation but this was out of anger ... just pissed off meanness. He was not mean to me, just about the basketball game and how his team lost.
It did not scare me. It did not make me think he was showing a red flag. It make me scratch my head, turn it sideways and say "huh".
He admitted to me that his was him at his worst.
Dude, over a basketball game? I don't get Midwest boys.

I hate me right now. I hate me! And I hate you and you and you

March 1st - March 4th, 2009
This was a hard day. And a hard post.
I wrote the title of this post as a thought bubble for all my friends to see in cyber land. I was desperate for help. I lost hope.
I started birth control pills in January. I have not had any good reactions to them.
Last month during the PMS time I was not "me". I was angry and sad. It lasted for 2 days maybe ...
This month starting on March 1st I really was not me.
I was so angry. I punched a wall. I am not a violent person in any way shape or form.
I was so depressed I wanted to die. I thought I did not deserve to live. My daughter will be better off without a crazy mom. I am an optimistic person and value life so this is not me either.
I was so sad I could not stop crying. I cried because the sun was setting. I cried because I could not control this. I cried because ... I cried for no reason most of the time. I cried so hard I had the hiccups. I cried so hard my eyes were swollen and looked like I was stung by a bee on the eyelids. I cried so hard I did not know how to breathe.
All of these were cycling. I would go to one mood then the other. 10 minutes later to another mood. There was never happiness. There was never calm. There was no positive. There was no hope.
I always have hope. To loose it, well, I was a mess.
I called my X and asked him to keep our daughter. I told him I did not feel well when in fact I was afraid of her seeing me like this.
I was in bad shape.
I could not stop breaking down.
I believe it was Sasha that told me to call the DR immediately. I did. They told me to stop taking the pills, come get a new pack (different brand) and start them when my new cycle starts. I was a good 2 weeks before I "should" start. This PMS started really early.
I stopped the pills. I was no longer angry the next day but sad and depressed. Once again I called my X to keep our daughter.
I told Mr Big Man what I did. He wanted me to go up there. I warned him - said it was not a good idea, I was a cry baby. He said he had a big shoulder to cry on. Get my ass over there.
I went over.
He made me dinner. He asked me to help by stirring the rice. I was mopey but not crying. Then I saw him make the chicken and I thought I would have no idea how to cook the food like that. The tears came. Fast. I had to run to the bathroom. I cried. It seemed like forever. The lights were out. He was singing. I calmed backed down and went back to the kitchen. He pulled me close, kissed my head and gave me a hug. He said nothing.
Later I was sitting on the stairs while we were talking or maybe he was picking up. I heard a song on the radio ... I don't remember what it was but it was a love song. I started crying again. He sat next to me and put his arm around my shoulder. He also held my hand. I didn't want him to know I was crying again but it was kind of hard to hide.
Again he said nothing about the crying. He kissed me on the head and squeezed my shoulder. He held me, cracking jokes until I stopped crying.
I cried in bed too. Not during sex but while trying to sleep. I don't think he knows. This time I cried because I felt I hit the jack pot on boyfriends and felt my hope again. I missed my hope and I am glad he brought it back. To feel hopeless is a bad, bad thing.

so there are warts.

February 6th, 2009
Na na na na naaa. I get another sleep over. Hell ya!
This time it was not due to our custody schedules matching or some pre-arranged custody schedule change. No, this time I got an over night baby sitter. Grandpa & Grandma to the rescue.
They have been asking for this for about a year now. I finally gave in. I felt guilty as hell but know this is not a bad thing. Every one won. That's a good thing.
I still felt guilty.
Mr Big Man picks me up in the big city where my Dad and Step Mom live. We are having an official date. We are going to a dinner then a movie. Our first movie.
So far I think we have both been on our best behavior. Tonight I get to see some warts. There was terrible traffic. He make it late to my Dad's. The traffic to the movies was bad. We ran out of time to go out to eat.
Subway to the rescue. So we thought. They have a drive thru! How cool is that? We sit and wait and wait. We talk to screen. Nothing. OK, do we go in? We are in a hurry! The movie starts in 20 minutes. Ok, lets go in.
The lady behind the counter moves sloooooooowly. So sloooooooowly. The ham is put on perfect. Oh wait! Let's adjust it some more. There, perfect. The cheese is layed down so gently. It also needs to be adjusted.
He was frustrated. I can tell he wanted to YELL "JUST HURRY UP!!!!!!" But he didn't. I started laughing. He walked away for he was so frustrated. I kept laughing.
10 minutes later we left. He was bitchin about Subway the whole time. Ya, they were so damn slow. It was amazing. We got to the movies with 6 minutes to start time.
I have told you this before, Mr Big Man is 6'4. I am 5' 1/4 inch. He was walking quickly. I had to jog to keep up. I yelled "HELLO? There is a short woman here. Slow down!"
He took my hand and walked faster. I was dying with laughter at this point. And running!
We picked up our pre-paid tickets and stood in line to get our drink. We picked the shortest line.
Murphy's Law kicked in.
10 minutes or so later, we were able to purchase our $18 drink and popcorn. At this point he starts laughing too. Nothing has gone right.
Again we run to the room showing the movie. It was 'PUSH' by the way. We made it in RIGHT before the movie started. We missed all the previews. His favorite part.
The movie was good.
On the drive to his house I called my Dad to see how my daughter was. Just fine, she went to bed without any problems. That made me feel better.
We make it to his house. I get all ready for bed again. Hair up, make-up off, teeth brushed. I walk to him where he is sitting on the bed.
He made love to me last time. It was my turn to make love to him. I did. It was great. It was great. It was great. It was great. I think it was great. It was full of my love.

Brings me to center

January 29th, 2009
I am driving down the road. In my own little world. It's been a rough day. Emotionally and physically. My mood is off. I am unhappy.
The phone rings. It is Mr Big Man. Do I answer? I'd really rather be alone and be unhappy by myself.
However I do like him. Ring, ring.
I better answer.
I do. He starts off all happy and chipper. Asks how I am. He knew from earlier I was not having a good day. I told him it was the same. He does not try to "fix" the situation as most men do. He listens. He did the "aha" and "oh" at the right times. After I vented I felt better! I told him so. He said he was glad for he did not like to see me that way. He cared about me. Wants me to be happy and healthy and he would do what is needed to get that done. Again he said he cares about me.
When Mr Big Man said that to me I had a fleeting thought. It came and went very quickly.
Can you guess what it was?
I bet you can. It was I love you.
I am not sure if I really think that or not. One thing I am sure of is Mr Big Man knows what to say to me. He knows how to bring me back to center. That I do love about him. THAT I have not found before in a boyfriend.
Two times I have thought I love you. I guess 3rd time is the charm??