I hate me right now. I hate me! And I hate you and you and you

March 1st - March 4th, 2009
This was a hard day. And a hard post.
I wrote the title of this post as a thought bubble for all my friends to see in cyber land. I was desperate for help. I lost hope.
I started birth control pills in January. I have not had any good reactions to them.
Last month during the PMS time I was not "me". I was angry and sad. It lasted for 2 days maybe ...
This month starting on March 1st I really was not me.
I was so angry. I punched a wall. I am not a violent person in any way shape or form.
I was so depressed I wanted to die. I thought I did not deserve to live. My daughter will be better off without a crazy mom. I am an optimistic person and value life so this is not me either.
I was so sad I could not stop crying. I cried because the sun was setting. I cried because I could not control this. I cried because ... I cried for no reason most of the time. I cried so hard I had the hiccups. I cried so hard my eyes were swollen and looked like I was stung by a bee on the eyelids. I cried so hard I did not know how to breathe.
All of these were cycling. I would go to one mood then the other. 10 minutes later to another mood. There was never happiness. There was never calm. There was no positive. There was no hope.
I always have hope. To loose it, well, I was a mess.
I called my X and asked him to keep our daughter. I told him I did not feel well when in fact I was afraid of her seeing me like this.
I was in bad shape.
I could not stop breaking down.
I believe it was Sasha that told me to call the DR immediately. I did. They told me to stop taking the pills, come get a new pack (different brand) and start them when my new cycle starts. I was a good 2 weeks before I "should" start. This PMS started really early.
I stopped the pills. I was no longer angry the next day but sad and depressed. Once again I called my X to keep our daughter.
I told Mr Big Man what I did. He wanted me to go up there. I warned him - said it was not a good idea, I was a cry baby. He said he had a big shoulder to cry on. Get my ass over there.
I went over.
He made me dinner. He asked me to help by stirring the rice. I was mopey but not crying. Then I saw him make the chicken and I thought I would have no idea how to cook the food like that. The tears came. Fast. I had to run to the bathroom. I cried. It seemed like forever. The lights were out. He was singing. I calmed backed down and went back to the kitchen. He pulled me close, kissed my head and gave me a hug. He said nothing.
Later I was sitting on the stairs while we were talking or maybe he was picking up. I heard a song on the radio ... I don't remember what it was but it was a love song. I started crying again. He sat next to me and put his arm around my shoulder. He also held my hand. I didn't want him to know I was crying again but it was kind of hard to hide.
Again he said nothing about the crying. He kissed me on the head and squeezed my shoulder. He held me, cracking jokes until I stopped crying.
I cried in bed too. Not during sex but while trying to sleep. I don't think he knows. This time I cried because I felt I hit the jack pot on boyfriends and felt my hope again. I missed my hope and I am glad he brought it back. To feel hopeless is a bad, bad thing.