with these 3 words

February 16th, 2009
We went to dinner at a Japanese restaurant. All during dinner I kept looking at him, wanting to tell him something but I couldn't.
We made it back to his house.
I was cold and he pulled me to him and we swayed back and forth. He just let the dogs out.
His arms were around me and I had my hands between us ... trying to stay warm.
I said "Can I ruin this moment?" It was peaceful. He said "You can do whatever you want."
I started ... "Remember the email I sent you over the weekend. It said I read 2 things and thought that is SOOO me and I FEEL it? One thing I told you ... it was 'Your smile makes me want to misbehave' and the other started out with 'Oh FUCK'."
"Yes I remember. You were going to tell me in person what the 'Oh FUCK' meant."
I stayed quiet. Then I began again. "Well it ends like this ..." I couldn't say it. I took deep breaths. He squeezed me tighter. My face was turned sideways. I was not looking at him. I can do this, I thought. I have to do this, I thought. I told my cyber friends I was going to do this! Loudly I said "OH FUCK" and I looked up into his eyes and continued "I love you". Oh fuck, I said it. Out loud. To HIM.
He smiled. Said "I really, really, dig your chili."
I'm serious.
I start laughing. "What does THAT mean??!!!" I ask him as I am still laughing.
He says "I can't say I love you right now. I will only say it when I feel it. I do like you. I really really like you."
I accept this. But he really digs my chili??? haha
I have never made chili for him. He just made that up.
I do love him. And he really really digs me. And my chili. He cracks me up. I want to keep him. Maybe forever.