Wednesday, May 27, 2009

my profile

My dating profile:
I desire someone who is playful, politically incorrect, laughs out of context, has a few scars to prove he has experienced adversity, brushes his teeth twice a day, has more than one best friend, makes incredible steak, isn’t looking for perfection, knows what he wants from life, has drive, would never leave wet towels on the bed, enjoys the simple things, loves roller coasters, helps clean the litter box, isn’t afraid to take chances, creates incredible passion with me.
Whew! Are you still there? I got more ... is happy that I listen to Prince/ Coldplay / Dave Matthews Band, frequently kisses me on the forehead, makes me stick to my exercise routine unless I do not want to, knows that I do not like to cook and is O.K with that, enjoys the fact my mom has dubbed me “Witch in Training”, lets me put my feet on him when we sit on the couch, agrees with me that Target is better than Wal-Mart.
OK, OK, I know, this is a lot but if I really had to desire someone ... can fix things in the house and lets me sit on the toolbox and smile, has a strong moral character, is a manly man but doesn't kill things (unless it's something that freaks me out and makes me jump on a chair and point!) would silently suffer when I do not shave my legs every day (or every other day), loves family, loves my daughter, loves me and above all, has a mind of his own.

I have learned:
I am a true Pisces.
Couples don’t complete individuals, they enhance.
I do not play games. I expect the same back. If I like you I will call. Now, not later. I will not wait 2-3 days.
I am a planner.
I am a happy person.
Self confidence is very attractive. However arrogance is not.
I am direct and like the same in return.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

beginning again

May 14th, 2009
Did you know it is hard to come up with a nick name for people?
Well I am here to tell you. It is!
We have, ahem, in order of appearance:
Not Matt Damon AKA Stud AKA what the hell do I call this man?
Soccer Star
Joe Schmo

As you hopefully can tell, some of these nick names will not stick. I will write more about them in the next couple of days.
Day 1 I was talking to all of these men. Day 2 when I was to email all of my other favorites my life decided to change and I was not able to email them. I will get to them! I will, I will!!!
So how did my life change, you ask. And if you didn't, same on you, you should have! Well, I have decided to go back to school. Due to this I have been researching schools, pre-reqs and "what the hell do I wanna do with my life". Stay tuned on that topic too!
However I am emailing these guys plus many others. I ALWAYS say "tell me 5 random things". Can you imagine the responses I get?
How about these gems: (all original spellings, I copied & pasted here)
fav position is doggie style so I can see yas ass
dick is 7 does that make ya druel?
I don't have time to tell you 5 random things, what are yours
a spoon, a pencil, a penny, a toothbrush, and a key
ur hot
i live with my parents in the basement
My mother is always bugging me to get married.

How about them apples?! haha!!

Thursday, May 21, 2009


Today and Tomorrow will be quiet.
Life has been super crazy and I have not had time to write.  
Things have happened with  Good things.  
On my Facebook I said "red rover, red rover send a decent man right over".
I think he did.
Stayed tuned for Tuesday next week.
Have a happy Memorial Day!!!  

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

over the rainbow

May 11th, 2009
Damn itchiness. I want to call him. BAD. It's around Noon and I'm at work.
The urge is so strong. Itch, itch. I just ... ahhh ... I just NEED to call him. Or email him. Or text him.
Instead I get some ice cream.
And I signed up for Match. Three months. After 3 months I will switch to eHarmony if needed.

I am digging this game plan.

During the evening after my little girl is sound asleep I sit and think on the couch. I have my laptop in my lap. I think the pity party did me good. I write another email of everything that annoyed me about him. He said on Thursday he would write me soon. It's Monday night. No email. I cried some more. This time I really did let go. Instead of just saying it, I believe it.
We are over. It's over. He is not coming back. I'm not waiting. I did not send the email. I save it in my drafts. I feel better after the cry. I feel confident. I feel powerful. I feel strong. I feel this is the next stage and I am ready.
I do recover quickly. Remember?
I jump on match. My profile is complete. My pictures are up. I have winks. I have emails. I have men that have favorited me. All within 8 hours!
I wink back to 3. I email 10. I favorite a whole bunch. Ones that I will email tomorrow.
So far, I have had several emails with 3 men. No nick names yet. However I am flirting. I am laughing.
I was even called "stunning!!". HE is a keeper for now!!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

it's just lunch!

May 10th, 2009
I want everyone to say hi to Mr Hottie.
All in Unison.
1, 2, 3
Mr Hottie reads my blog.  He likes me in a friend kinda way.  He said an awful lot of nice things to me over our phone call tonight. 
Like what you ask?
He does not like to see me hurt. He wishes things were better.  Wishes he could make it all better.  He is also wondering what is going on with "him".  However after seeing Fireproof the movie he agrees it was a bull shit move.
Anyways, Mr Hottie & I talked on the phone for well over an hour.
He has a girlfriend.  We will never hook up.
However he asked me to lunch.  I told him yes, IF he pays and IF he talks to his girlfriend and gets her OK.
I doubt we will go to lunch.  Who wants their boyfriend to go to lunch with a friend that calls him Mr Hottie???

Monday, May 18, 2009

pity party ROCKS take II

May 9th, 2009
I'm mopey. Today is to be my last day of being sad. Tonight is the pity party and after that ... I'm done. Hands washed.
But this is before the pity party. And I feel pity. I sit on the couch and mope.
Ya, that lasted for the morning then I was bored with being mopey. Off to the gym I go! And boy of boy did I have a work out!! I was proud of myself. I even ran for 40 minutes which is a doozie for me. Before that I have never gone longer than 30.
I get back to the house. I mow, I clean. I take a shower. I clean some more. I order the pizza. It's time to start the pity party!
My attendees are Melissa S, Sasha, Lindsey and Carrie. Sasha, bless her sweet heart, brought alcohol.
Oh we laugh! Oh we laugh! We had tears of laughter. We analyzed Melissa S & Carrie's life. Sasha & Linds did not share problems. What is WRONG with you two?? I want the dish! :) Then we analyzed Mr Big Man.
They told me everything I already knew. I did not cry for I must have got all that out this morning.
We look at Plenty of Fish and search for suitable men. We decided I would pay for We looked on there and picked out men for me to email. The theory right now is to aim for a younger man. The last 2 were older. With my sex drive I need a young stud!!
Hey! I am game!
I promised I would not text him again. I promised I would not email him again.
It's over. I am not desperate. I will find something better.
Yes, I will.

PS He has not written back to the first or third email.

Friday, May 15, 2009


May 8th, 2009
Today my break up blog posts. I do not get a lot of comments usually ... and WHY is that? I love comments ... but today I had a ton.
Y'all said I did a brave thing. Yes, I did it but I was told to do it. Amy "made" me. I was a pitiful mass of tears when I called her with no direction and she told me to do it. That is why I did it. And NO, I will not jump off a bridge because my friends are. Unless it looks like fun. And no one has died. Lately.
So, let's give Amy her props. Thanks Aim!
But boy oh boy was today filled with lots of tears. It is HARD.
At one point I was reading the comments and it was to much. I didn't live up to what I said to him. I did not think I was strong. I MISS HIM SO MUCH. I broke down and sobbed. Just sobbed. I let myself down. I let my friends down. I let strangers down.
Melinda called me at that moment and wanted to know what I was doing.
"Crying. What are you doing?" I asked through tears.
Melinda you saved me that night. Thank you.
Another key thing that happened today was from a twitter friend. Someone that I do not know. She read my blog because I asked twitter users if they thought he might be depressed. They agreed. However, TinkerandPo really jumped in with what she thought. We exchanged emails. I even told her his real name!!!
Well of course I HAD to email him again. Why??? Because I MUST be some kind of crazy email stalker that can't get over her X!!!! What is WRONG with me????
Mistake #3.
Good Lord, there better not be any more mistakes!!!!
Here is my email ... with edits:
Mr Big Man,
You know I write about you. Our break up just posted yesterday and today. I have had several interesting emails about this. I HAD to share this one with you. I do not know this person. We "follow" each other on Twitter and that is how she found my blog.
Replying to the post yesterday -
It couldn't be more obvious if he were wearing a neon sign that said "HI I'M DEPRESSED!" He's overwhelmed with everything and so can not do anything. He doesn't know if he wants to see you because he's having a hard time feeling...feeling anything at all. It's not you it's him.
Good luck to you both.
So I "twittered" her back and asked: so you think he is depressed and not just over me?

I also replied to her comments with "Holy crap! What am I to do?"
She replied back on twitter:
"TinkerAndPo: @withmystilettos He is SO not just over you. will email you l8tr
We exchanged emails on twitter. And I wrote this: If he is depressed what am I to do? Forward your comments? Call him? What do you suggest? I just don't know what to do for it is is a real break up due to we drifted or he lost interest I don't want to seem like a crazy X. KWIM?
Replying to my email she wrote:
Hi Nikki
Here’s my take on it. You’ve been together 5 months, with no “I love you”’s. Do you love Mr Big Man? I mean, do you really love him for better or worse? Because loving someone with depression is definitely on the “worse” side of things…or at least, it can be. It doesn’t have to be. But men are hardheaded and don’t like to go to doctors and see depression as a personal failure blah blah blahhdy blah. KWIM?
Go to the Dr Mr Big Man! You "made" me with my booby issue and now I am "making" you. :)

This BETTER be my last mistake. No more, Nikki. No more. CONTROL yourself!!! I can do this. I can do this. And as one person said in comments to remind myself that I AM NOT DISPOSABLE. Thank Gawd I have the pity party tomorrow night.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

May 6th & 7th, 2009

May 6th & 7th, 2009
6:47AM - My alarm goes off. I hit snooze. Oh I hate waking up by an alarm in the morning! I roll over and settle back in.
My eyes close and I am about to go back to sleep and then my eyes snap open.
CHECK THE DAMN PHONE NIKKI! Did he text back???
I do and he didn't. At this point I decide to get up and get ready for work. Disappointed.
8:04AM - After arriving at work I check my email. No email from him. More disappointment.
No email AND no text. It's over. Yep it's over. Accept this fate. It's over. It's over. It's freakin over! I make my coffee, update twitter and get to work.
8:16AM - beep
Oh my. I got a text. Ohhhh my. Slowly I check it. My heart is pounding. Since I deleted his name just the number shows. The sad and lonely cell phone number that I had memorized had a message for me. I tell the phone to open it.
"hi back"
That's it. That is all he wrote.
The rest of the day I was going back and forth with emotions.
I did have a fantastic evening with Melissa over Gmail's chat and phone calls. We both decided to get on Plenty of Fish and we were sending each other men! It was hysterical. It was like "he's MINE, leave him alone!" or "ya, this is not for me, you try". We were joking about the pictures men took with a mirror and what they said to us in emails. Oh we were just catty but gawd it was fun!!

May 7th, 2009
I went to the DR this AM. Still trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with me. Oh! I did decide to stop the bitch control pills. Hoping this would fix some of the issues. I am nervous. The last time I went in they tested me for diabetes. Somehow an elevated growth hormone can cause diabetes??? Ya, whatever I am not a Doctor and it's confusing. Regardless I really do not want diabetes! I would get the results back now.
Drum roll ... well the heck I will just copy and paste the email I sent to friends and family. That is what you are, right? Yeppers you are:
I do not have diabetes!!!! My Growth hormone was back to normal. Whatever disease he thought I had I do not! I was so happy I could cry. And I did. Because I am a hormonal fool!
He is testing me for more things. He is not sure what he is going for but he did zero in on the Prolactin hormone for it can also cause growth and some of my other symptoms. I have been tested for that before with "normal" results. I did stress to him that I needed to get a thyroid test. He said he ordered it. However only 1 vital of blood was taken this time so I am not sure.
I go back on 5/27.

And guess what. I decided to sent it to him too!! Why??? Because I am a bloody idiot and once more show I have NO self control when it comes to his man.
I wrote that at 12:05 PM. He wrote back at 4:45PM.

Good to hear! I am doing ok. I'll respond to the other email soon. Mr Big Man


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

conspiracy theory

May 5th, 2009
I feel guilty. I should not have involved others in this "What is wrong with Mr Big Man" conspiracy theory I have.
At work on Monday I ask Amy to log into my FaceBook and delete him as a friend. She is the ONLY person I would trust with my password! Amy wants to make sure I really want this. I tell her I do. If I tried I would fail. If she does it then it would get done. Aim de-friended Mr Big Man for me.
All of this still SUCKS!
I go to the gym after work tonight. Thankfully I can really go to town there with my frustration. After a quick shower Sasha picks me up in her new ride - awesome ride Sasha! - and we go to Terra's house for Bunco. I'm a sub this month.
I know most of the girls here. Several I am good friends with. Two I am super close with. Sasha & Beth.
They grill me. How are you?? What do you think is going on? I tell them to read my blog! haha. They want me to tell them now. So I share.
Beth says it really sounds like he is depressed. He should not have ended things like that but she is certain he is depressed.
Oh shit. I might be worrying for a reason.
Bunco was good. I was the LOOSER and took home $10. Yippee!
So I get home. It's around 10:15. I deleted his numbers. Did you know that? That is the first thing I do after a break up. Always! I delete all the numbers from my phone so I can't make "drunk" 2 AM phone calls or really ANY phone calls at ANY time. The problem here is, I have his cell phone number memorized.
I really, really want to talk to him. I pick up my phone. Nikki ... text Amy I think.
NO... she is getting to many texts and I think she would think I am crazy for not being over this already. Text Melissa S. NO ... she does not know the whole story yet. Text Melissa. NO ... she would make fun of me!!! Text Sasha. NO ... we don't text and she would be like "what the hell does this mean?"
I close my eyes and enter in his phone number. Yes! Manually! I text him "Hi". I see the mail box on the screen that says it is delivering. My eyes water again.
Two hours later ... no response.
So I am broken here ... I write an email.
I KNOW, I KNOW!! This is terrible!!!! I have no self control with him!!!!! Oh my GAWD someone lock me up!
Mistake #2.
This is the email:
Mr Big Man.
I'm calling you out on your bullshit.
Because I care.
But I would like to say this first. With what happened last week I hope, for I am always hopeful, that you were honest and you are stressed. In that case, lean on me & I will bitch slap anyone who gets in your way. Well ... it will have to be a verbal take down but I can win on that!
I worry about you. It's one thing to end a relationship knowing that there is no longer a connection, there are fights, you just were not feeling it anymore, etc but not for the reasons you gave me. Wait. You did you say you were not feeling it anymore ... BUT you were not into anything anymore. It's not a "Nikki" only thing. Does your work have a number to call for counseling, like a free benefit to help their employees? Please check to see if they do. And if they do take advantage. I agree that you are / were depressed.
I have no idea how you feel. I have no idea what you are thinking. I have no idea what you want. I have an idea that you have no clue.

I sent you a text tonight. It just said hi. Positive thoughts were you were sleeping and did not get it. I never pegged you as one to "ignore". Hmmm, doubt it but maybe you are like me and delete all numbers. You might have been thinking "what fool is texting me hi". Yes I did delete your numbers. Sucks for me I have your cell memorized.
Yes I was walking on eggshells. Yes I do not like that. Yes I have lots of experience with it. However doesn't it all come down to communication?. Mr Big Man, cutting it like this is not an effective way to communicate. I thought we had fabulous communication ... didn't we? Yes, yes, I was walking on eggshells. However after the last 2 relationships I had, I told myself I would not do that again. I would bring issues up. I did this with you. I know you have been working hard and I know your mind was elsewhere. I knew April was going to be a hard month but did not realize it was going to break us. You hurt me because you let me go. I guess I thought I was not disposable or I was worth more to you. With ending it like this, you either screwed us or just me royally.
Was the whole thing a “It’s not you, it’s me” & “let’s be friends” speech?
I'm not shutting the door on you, Mr Big Man. You are in my heart. I'm just not going to wait. I can't. It's not my personality to devalue myself like that. It was a long time ago but not anymore. Having maybes at the end or June 3rd is mean, hurtful, degrading and rude. I'm worth more than that.
I want you to get better. With or without me, I want you to get better.
I do not need answers from you now. It would be nice but I don't need it. This email was for me, to bring me closure. To help me move on. I do miss you.
Take care.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

what IS the truth

May 3rd, 2009
"You have GOT to me freaking kidding me!" I say this out loud and with anger and a tinge of disbelief.
After the much needed trip to Omaha I am sitting on the couch Indian style. My bags are unpacked and my dear wee one is sound asleep. I am logged into Facebook. There are 29 friends online. I click to show me who is online and he is. Mr Big Man is online. I go to his page (I have not been there for a month or so) and every.single.comment I have made is gone. He deleted me.
"You have GOT to be freaking KIDDING me!"
I call Melissa. Tell her Mr Big Man is online. I want to IM him. She tells me to get off the Internet and watch TV or something.
I listen. But I disobey.
I "stalk" him. Looking at everything. This is bullshit!!!
Oh wait ... what is this?? Hmmm. Every comment is gone. All of them. He hid all of them. That right there is odd but in a small way makes me feel a tad better. I wasn't deleted, I was hidden. As was everyone else.
Still ... that is shady. Soooo shady.
Fucker. I am so pissed at him right now.
I go ahead and log off of FaceBook. I go to Plenty of Fish (POF) and I am going to create my dating profile. AGAIN. I do this with a smile on my face. I don't really look around for honestly I am not ready yet.
Next I schedule my pity party. Oh! I love them. I send an email out for my friends to come. At the party we will analyze everything, purge him out if you will so that I can move on.
There is a lot of laughter, some tears and it's fabulous girl time.
I go back online to Facebook. He is offline.
MOOD SWING. I am not angry. I am worried. What IF he was telling me the truth. What IF he really is in a bad spot. What IF there was no underlying meaning. Again, what IF he was telling the truth.
I go to his page and look at everything. I miss him. Oh my Gawd I miss him. The eyes water up. I hope he is OK.
I know one of his friends from going out with them a couple of times. She is a friend of his on Facebook. Jennifer is married to one of his best friends, Chris, and they live across the street from Mr Big Man. I send her an email via FaceBook. It says:
Hi Jennifer. I am not sure if you know or not but Mr Big Man & I are no longer together.
Mr Big Man was the one who ended things, I just re-inforced it (I think). The point is, can you have Chris check on him. Make sure everything else in his life is OK.
He is all kinds of stressed. Even if we are not together, I worry.
No need to let me know if you did this.
Thanks, take care.
Oh I do worry. I don't know if I made a huge mistake #1 but if he was telling me the truth this was the right thing to do.
My heart still hurts. It's still broken. Maybe not a million pieces but at least thousands. I'm still 100% grieving.

Monday, May 11, 2009

days after

May 1, 2009
I am so upset. I can't begin to talk about the grief I am in. I cried all day yesterday. I used Amy as my proxy and every time I would have emailed, IM or texted him I did it to her. It has only been 2 days but she has been bogged down with them. Not really it just seems that way. I just itch to communicate with him. To do something! To shake him. To yell "what the FUCK are you doing?". To hug him. To hold him. To smack him.
I bet you can image some off the wall texts she received. She is a trooper and she is taking it.
I have to pack tonight for I am going to the Omaha Zoo with my daughter and Melissa and her 3 kids. We are staying the weekend in Omaha.
We planned this at the beginning of the week BEFORE anything came down and I am so grateful for it. I won't be able to be sad, I'll be too busy.
Right now I am sad. And I hurt.
Everything is reminding me of him. His funk became my funk. I am a mess again.
I regret cutting the ties like that but it should help me. Should make it easier. He offered me tainted hope. I'm sorry but I can't have it tainted ... it has to be pure.
I am going between hatred, anger, sadness, grief, mourning ... well every negative emotion you can think of.
I know time will heal. I know time will make it all better. I just need the time under my belt.
The grief is overwhelming. I wandered around my house tonight ... what should I be doing?? I'm lost and confused and ... these damn tears will not stop. My heart is broken and the only thing I can do is grieve.
The packing can wait until the morning.

Friday, May 8, 2009

decision part 2

April 29th, 2009
I am talking on the phone with Amy. She wants to know what I am doing "waiting for Mr Big Man to call me", I am wanting to know what she is doing, "waiting for my boyfriend to call me."
We both laugh. It's funny. We are both waiting. Different reasons, different feelings we have about the wait but it's funny.
Mr Big Man calls. I hang up with Amy and talk to him.
He starts out about the chaos in his life. Goes into how he was talking to his parents about it. Mostly for them to listen, get it off his chest. Talk about areas in his life that he can not change (work, son, etc) and some areas he can (activities, sell his house, etc) and that he needs to simplify.
He does not want to regret spending time with me. He does not want the time he does spend with me to become negative.
He has an idea and wants to see what I think ... tell him if it's bull shit.
So far I am just listening. Taking everything in. I even think for a second if I should get a notebook out and write what is going on so I can remember ... I don't do this, I just think it.
He tells me the month of May is going to be crazy. His son's daycare is closed and Mr Big Man is taking LittleMan out of town for a week. Also Mr Big Man and Hannah will be flipping days a lot and there are some days that they do not know who will have LittleMan. School starts back up on June 3rd.
June 3rd is a key date. He wants to put us on hold until June 3rd then we could reconvene and see if we continue or if we are over. He does not know if again, this is a slow death or so much is going on with work that the negativity is carrying over to other areas in his life.
"Does this mean you want no communication. No seeing each other and no communication?" I asked.
He said yes.
"What do you mean about reconvening on June 3rd. What does that mean?"
"Well" he starts with a deep breath, "if during this time I think about you all the time and I miss you then I will know what is going on and we would continue with the relationship. If I don't think about you or I miss you but noooooot really, then I will know we are over. Also June 3rd is my goal date. To get rid of the chaos. Organize, have time to fix the things I need to fix and get stuff done. If I devote all my spare time to this them it could be done sooner. I may know in 2-3 weeks what I feel and make the decision sooner. June 3rd is my goal date. When LittleMan's schedule goes back to normal, when work should be back to normal. When the chaos should be gone. I know I am borderline depressed right now and I can't fall into that. I can't do that to my son."
My eyes close and the tears start coming. I think this is Mr P all over again. Almost the exact same thing. Chaos in their life, not knowing what to do, letting me go ...
"What do you think?" he asks.
"This hurts me. This is mean. This is selfish. How DARE you put a carrot out there and then tell me that the carrot may or may not be real. 'If I let you catch it then I will tell you if it is real or not.' THAT IS SO MEAN! You can NOT put that hope out there. You can't do that on a break up. Break ups need to be hard and a complete cut. I am hurt that you want to stop all communication with me -"
"We can still talk on email and phone calls here and there and send each other instant messages. Just not all the time. We-"
"You just said all communication would stop. I asked that!"
"We could still talk. Not as often."
"HEY, HEY, STOP RIGHT THERE! I am not like other men. You can not take your experiences with other men and compare them to me. We are different. We are creating new experiences. Our own, together. You can't do that."
That actually makes me calm down a bit. I tell him he is right. I can't do that but by God I can think it! This is almost duplicate of Mr P! Pete and Repete went fishing. Pete fell into the water, who was left? Repeat, RIGHT???? YES! I really think this at that moment.
I say nothing for a bit. I think. My mind will not let go of the carrot he is dangling out there.
"So, tell me this, you want me to wait until June 3rd to see if we are going to start again. Is that correct?"
"Well, you can do what you need to do and I can do what I need to do. I'm not asking you to sit around and wait ..."
"I think you kinda are! Let me ask you this ... if I said all of this to you, what would you think?"
"I would think you were ending things with me but you were afraid to tell me."
"Ok, so is that what you are doing? Might as well come straight with it."
"I am not doing that."
"Mr Big Man, I am so angry with you. I am so angry that you are doing this the night before I was to see you. I have been counting on that day for so long! I have been waiting for it for 2 weeks! At the beginning of this ... at the beginning of all of this in November or so you said ... you said ..." I am in shock. My back is to the wall and I slowly slide down to sit. My hand is over my mouth. Tears are streaming down in huge waves. I think, this is a movie moment, dramatic and all. However no one is there to see it, it is real. It is real emotion and I just can't take it. "it doesn't matter" I whisper.
What was I gonna say? I was going to bring up he told me he would always treat me right even if it would be hard to do. He would always do the right thing.
We are silent. I am not going to change him mind. I am not going to try.
"Bye" I say softly and hang up.
I call Amy back. I am a blubbering fool right now. The sobs, the not being able to breathe again. It's terrible.
She convinces me to call him back, tell him something. I do. This I do write down.
"Hello" he says very calming almost like he was talking to a skittish horse.
"You giving me a month from now, June 3rd, is not good enough. I don't even want it on the table. I won't have contact with you. Even if you need to get your head correct, you should not risk loosing me. If you really cared, you should not risk it. I should not be disposable. I am better than this. I am worth more than this. I am not waiting. I am worth so much more. Bye." I snapped the flip phone closed.
I stood there in the kitchen and cried some more.

decision part 1

April 29th, 2009 Part 2 will be posted later this afternoon at 2PM Central time. I decided to text Mr Big Man as normal today. He replied back. I called him at work which is NOT normal. We had a pleasant short talk. I also called him on my way to the gym, again as normal. All conversations were nice. They all gave me hope for tonight. He shared with me, he asked me questions, we laughed. It was nice.
"Hi Mom." She called while I was driving to pick up my daughter from her dad's.
"Nikki, I did not like your psychic reading, as you know." My mom says.
"Yes, I know."
"Well I talked to Karen and asked her to do another reading for you. Do you want to know what she said?" **Karen is a psychic my mom is personal friends with and has had several readings with. I do not know Karen, she lives in Las Vegas.
"YES!" Hopefully it is happy news! I start to laugh at my eagerness. I mean tonight is to be the big talk.
My mom took notes and emailed them to me. I will copy & paste them:

He will want you to go along with a 3 way encounter. He loves you but will want to bring strange women home along with you.
Be strong and stand your ground about this.
You and he will be deeply unhappy if you give in to his wishes.
He will be grateful when you tell him, "No".
He would eventually think less of you if you were to agree to this.
You will have to tell him, "Go get this threesome out of your system and come back when you are ready to be with only me". Karen says to tell him to find a woman who thinks so little of herself ! She said your telling him this might be enough to shock the idea out of his mind.
It is going to be a rough 6 months ahead for you. Be patient because he will come out of it around September.
She said you love him very much and he loves you too, but is not ready to say it yet.
She says you will marry in future. He feels he will be too old for children but loves kids and will want to give you a child that belongs to the two of you. He will be more than happy to give this to you.
As to your health, what you have was caught early and you may have to take pills to regulate it. You will overcome it very quickly. It may not have been diabetes that she was referring to.
When you have your baby, they will have to keep eye on you in case you get diabetes again during your pregnancy.

Alrighty! What a conversation to have with my mom ... a threesome!!! Holy crap. That is so not him!!! I got the giggles with my mom. Made jokes about "ya, I am gonna call you in 2 months and say 'MOM! He wants to have a THREESOME! What do I tell him again?'" I found this hysterical! I mean, come on! I talk to my mom but not about SEX topics! haha. I just don't see this ever coming out of his mouth! It's too funny! I can't believe a psychic would pick up on such a topic! A threesome!!! haha haaaaaa!!! Oh too much! Besides with the stress he is under I doubt he has sex on his mind. It did cheer me up. It did make me laugh. I let Mom know I would update her on the conversation tonight.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

the funk with tears

April 28th, 2009
He is breathing heavy. I asked “what are you doing??” He said he finished exercising. He did this for he needed clarity. Needs it because he is in a funk and exercise should help him.
He needs clarity, huh? Tell me more about this funk I say.
He says it began last night when I asked if he was excited to see me. He should be. He normally is jumping up and down with excitement to see me and while he is looking forward to it, he is not at that level of excitement.
He says it's in all aspects of his life. At work he is drowning. He can not keep up. There is just too much to do and nothing is getting done, more work keeps adding and nothing is getting cleared. This is what it feels like to him, not what is really happening.
This is the NFL draft time. Normally he is glued to the TV and he finds it fascinating and interesting. Not now. He has not paid any attention to it.
Normally he cleans his house but he has not done this. There is no energy to do it. Nothing is bringing him excitement. Nothing is funny, nothing is happy, he is in a funk. He needs clarity to figure out what he needs to do.
I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to react. He just admitted he is not excited to see me. Do I take it personally???
I ask if we can talk about heavy hitting topics or should I wait. I did not want to stress him out more.
He said to talk.
I start slow. Stuttering. I don’t want to stress him out … but things need to be talked about. I said I was going to bring this up on Thursday but might as well now. I told him I was not happy anymore. I felt there were stress cracks and we are drifting apart. We are not seeing each other, the phone calls we have are short and he is not interested. We are not laughing. I did not think I was needy but I feel neglected and I feel like I am walking on egg shells to not hurt him or upset him.
This conversation goes on a huge turn. He thinks the world of me. However he did not know if he wanted to be with me. He needed to figure out what to do.
I started crying. I did not expect to hear this! I told him “don’t you know you are NEVER to break up on the phone!!” Oh my GAWD, this is a Mr P phone call all over again!!!!
He said he was not doing that. He was being honest with what he felt and he was confused. He does not know if he wants to end it. He does not know what he wants. We could talk more about this Thursday.
I asked “how am I to react to this? Why would I see you on Thursday if we are ending things?” He just said he did not know if he wanted to be with me!
He went on to say it was everything. Again, he was not into anything. Not just me. He did want to see me Thursday. Hopefully I would not decide I did not want to see him. He was not breaking up with me.
I told him about Mr P’s break up. The whole “something is wrong with me” and “you deserve better” and how it was the nicest break up. This sounds like a repeat to me. I went on to tell him I have never been married because there is a thing I do. There is Mr Right and Mr Right Now. I have been proposed to several times. I always said no. I was selfish and stayed in the relationship because it was nice RIGHT NOW but I knew we were not long term. I knew we were not a match. I stayed because something was good and it was good for right then. With everything he has told me tonight, I think he thinks I am Miss Right Now and not Miss Right. There is nothing wrong with knowing someone is not the one. We just need to end the relationship and not keep it going. It is easier to end it now than later.
I then said "I feel like I am trying to get you to break up with me."
He said "It sounds like you are."
I start crying again. What I did not tell him is I finally thought I found Mr Right … he is not a Mr Right Now.
He still says nothing.
I then said “Well with everything said and done at least you learned I am emotional and I cry a lot.”
He starts laughing. It gets louder. It turns into a belly laugh. It was a pure laugh. It was contagious and I started laughing too. This was the first time we have laughed like this for awhile. It felt good. It felt right.
“Oh, Mr Big Man.” I said this and start thinking. I know he likes me. He actually said 'you know I think the world of you'. I think I know a way to figure out if he is over me or if this is stress.
“When you were in Nashville, did you think about me?”
“What did you think about?”
“What you were doing. How work was. Were you having a good time?”
“Did you miss me?”
“Really? You missed me?”
“Mr Big Man … SNAP OUT OF THIS! Come back to me.” My voice breaks.
He whispers “I am trying.”
I start to cry again. He just broke my heart. He sounded so lost. Oh please, please make it back to me I think.
He begins “I don’t know if we are we dying a slow death in the relationship or is this all related to the funk I am in. I need to figure that out. Maybe I should not have brought this up until I figure everything out …it really bothered me when you said you were not happy. You should be happy. Also you got me thinking when you asked last night if I was excited to see you. It made me realize things are not how they should be. My parents see this, my co-workers are seeing this and YOU are seeing this. I don’t know what is going on. I need clarity. I need to figure all of this out. My parents said they were praying for me.”
“Where do we go from here? How am I to take all of this news?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know if I want to be with you. I don’t know - “
My Gawddamn cell phone battery dies! At that time!!!! I hurry to get the charger and plug it in. Damn thing never even beeped to tell me it was low! I hate this phone!! Hate it! And at that exact time!! Are you freaking kidding me!? Perfect! I hope he does not think I hung up on him on purpose. AND WHAT THE hell is he doing? That was such a bull shit answer. Power UP would you already! Damn phone! OK, wow, I have a voice mail. I do not check it I hit send twice and call him.
“My battery died.”
“You are plugged in now?”
“I was talking then you were gone. I called you back and it went straight to voice mail. I figured something was wrong with the phone.”
“Mr Big Man, while I was waiting for the phone to come back on I realized this is bull shit. How can you not know if you want to be with me? That is such bull shit. You either do or you don’t. Plus you said you do not laugh, you said you are in a funk. Well, in case you did not realize this we laughed tonight. We had a big laugh. Did we not?”
“Yes we did. We did.” I could hear a smile in his voice.
“Well there you go. And you know what else? I was going to bring this up on Thursday but now I think it is a bad idea. However I was going to see if we should introduce the kids to the other. I know I said 6 months and it has been 5. I thought it was a good idea for you are neglecting things and I am neglecting this. I also know it is scary. I would hate to introduce you to my daughter and then find out a week later you decided we ARE dying a slow death and you end it.”
“Yeah! Not a good thing. After we figure out what is going on we can go back to that topic.”
“Another thing, we do not have it easy. We really have to work hard to make this work. We both have kids, we have opposite custody schedules. With the 9:00 visits, it is draining. It is hard. But if it is what we want it will work. We both need to put in the effort. I am not asking you if you know if you want to marry me tomorrow, next month or next year. I am asking if you want to be with me. If you want to learn more about me. It should be a simple and easy answer. It should be.”
He draws in a deep breath and lets it out. He says nothing.
“If you decided to end this, how would you? Would you come right out and say it?”
“Yes. I would not drag you along. I would tell you it was over.”
“It is over?”
“Why don’t we reconvene on this tomorrow night? We both need our sleep. Hopefully I can snap out of this.”
I do not like that answer. “Well, OK. I guess I will keep you for one more night.”
“Yeah, you won’t give me a long time to figure this out.”
“Well I will give you days and maybe a week or so. A month? No. You should know if you want to be with me. You should know if you want to know more about me. Do you want me to text you tomorrow?” I usually send 2 texts a day. This has been our habit for months.
“Yeah … I … yeah, do that.”
We say out good nights.
I text Amy to call me. I text Sasha to call me. I text Melissa to call me. I need to talk to someone. I need to talk to someone. GAWD! This conversation had to end around mid-night. I check Gmail and see Melissa is online. I send an IM to see if she is really there. She is. I ask her to call me. She does. We talk. She makes me feel better.
I am afraid for tomorrow. I do not want this to end.
So much more was said than what I wrote. We did have more laughs. We had 3 good laughs. I cried more too. We talked about break ups more. I had to narrow it down otherwise you would be reading for an hour at work. I did not want to do that to you!
Some good news; he sounded tired but more upbeat by the end of the conversation.
I do not know how to act with him. He doesn’t know if he wants to be with me. Sounds like he is over to me, doesn’t it? I don’t even know what to say on the texts! They were funny and sexy and caring. If it is the work funk … we will be OK … but he has to know he wants to be with me.
What do you think??

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

"Yeah, sure."

April 27th, 2009
We are on the phone.
"Are you excited to see me Thursday?" I ask this while holding my breath.
"Yeah, sure." Not a lot of emotion there from Mr Big Man.
"Yeah, sure." I repeat. I say this with uncertainty. Yeah SURE he is excited to see me? That does not sound like excitement. It sounds like Yeah SURE I gotta mow the lawn again. Yeah SURE I gotta get a PAP smear. Yeah SURE I gotta get up for work. Yeah sure.
I repeat it again.
He wanted to know why I asked. I said many reasons. He talked about how there was a lot of meaning behind that question. It was a good question. He needed to gather his thoughts. He needed to figure out WHAT was going on. He was not sure of anything right now.
WHAT???!!! He got all of that by me asking if he is excited to see me??
I asked him to tell me what he was talking about. Explain please. Right when he began to talk his cell phone rings. He tells me to hold while he answers.
When he gets back on the phone with me he said there is something wrong with the next door neighbor kid and he needed to help him. He would talk to me later.
I appreciate and really like the fact he is helping his neighbor but what about us? I feel we are broken. We need help too.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

that psychic sucked!

April 26th, 2009
I had a Psychic party!!! I made food! And I was told it was good! There was a great turn out. My mom was there, Sasha (who I made RSVP 100+ times), Melissa, Krista, Heather, Jenni, Aleasha and Melinda.
I am a nosey person so I want to hear all the readings. Most I can but not all. Oh, by the way, this is a different psychic than the last one.
I am excited!! It's my turn. GO! I think. Let's go, let's go, let's go. Tell me the goooooood stuff! I yell at my remaining guests to listen in! I am SO excited!
She talks about my friends ... ahh .. what does that have to do with me? She saw my friends in my reading ... hmmm. Not so exciting.
We talk about my daughter. Not good news there about my X. EEK, I don't like that.
Come on! Get to Mr Big Man!!!
She does. The cards say in the 8th month I will know what our status is. He is not my life partner. He has communication issues.
I HATE MY READING. Ahhh, that's crap! We communicate fine! And I want him so. He is my match. We fit. This can not be true.
Let's see, I will meet a dark haired man - someone I do not know now - and that will be in 8 days, 8 weeks, 8 months or August. Something with an 8. I will need to make a choice.
I HATE MY READING. She doubts I will have any more children. If I don't have anymore by the age of 38 then I will not have anymore. I will not get married. She thinks it would be good for me to become a nurse.
I HATE MY READING. I won't get married. Are you freakin kidding me?? I asked her to elaborate on that, she said I really don't care about the paper I care about the relationship, the commitment. That I will have. Hmm, that is kinda true.
I HATE MY READING. No more kids!!! That SUCKS! Mr Big Man not my partner!!! BOOOO! I HATE MY READING.
**I do not believe in psychic readings, I think they are fun and it's super cool if they come true but I do not live my life by it

Monday, May 4, 2009

i wish i may, i wish i might ...

April 25th, 2009
He is gone. On a business trip. Due to this and our custody schedule and parents coming into town, our total length of time will be two weeks of not seeing each other. This started on April 17th and the next time I see him will be April 30th.
Our phone calls are super short. I am lucky if I get 5 minutes. I am 9 days in. This has been our trend for 9 days.
He sends me one text a day, usually around 5:30. We have gone one day with out any communication.
It makes me sad. I miss him but I will not tell him. I just say I look forward to seeing you or talking to you. I feel there is no need to make him feel guilty. I need to stay upbeat. He is not doing this on purpose, he is working and this is not something he can control.
I send him text messages several times during the day. Maybe a joke, a 'I am thinking about you' or an update on something that has happened. Small things.
He tells me he likes it. He wants me to continue.
He gets back into town on Sunday. Back at work on Monday. I know he will be working 13 hour days again for several days. I know our phone calls will be short. I know we will not see each other much for the next several weeks when he comes back.
I am not sure how long I can "deal" with this. It's taking a toll. Really except for small snippets here and there he has not had any time for us since the first week of April. We already have a limited amount of time so we had to make due with phone calls. Where they use to be fun, energetic and long they are now very brief and tired when we talk. Honestly I am not happy anymore and I hope it does not continue. I'm walking on egg shells again.
Wish me strength. Wish me patience.
Something sweet here that we did tonight.
I text him. 'do you still dig my chili?'
He texts back "like milli vanilli'
I text him. 'hmm, like girl you know it's true ba da dahh ohh ohh ohh I dig your chili'
He tells me on a phone call that my answer would be right.

Sunday, May 3, 2009


April 18th, 2009
"Mr Big Man, if you win the lottery I want you to give me one thing. One thing only. I do not care if we are broken up or married with 10 kids." I say this with lots of excitement.
"Ah, Nikki, if we are married with 10 kids I think we need to break up now." His tone has a tinge of panic.
"Whatever! 5 kids! Whatever!"
"Even 5 kids we need to break up now."
"Mr Big Man!! Pay attention! Whether we are together or not ..."
He nods in understanding.
"OK, regardless of our status I want one thing. I want permanent hair removal. Permanent. Can you do that for me?"
"YES! No more shaving! I would be in heaven." I clap my hands with glee.
He laughs at me. Then he stresses, "However if you win, I do not want the same thing."

Friday, May 1, 2009

our life is a song

April 16th, 2009
We are in bed.
GEEZ! Does everything happen in bed with us?
I am naked - again, common theme here???
I am waiting, waiting, waiting for him to start something. Do I get it? NOPE. Nothing. I'm sure it is not true but I feel like I start it all the time. I am PMSing and feel fat and want him to start this time.
I tell him good-night. I could tell that shocks him.
I roll over and he asks if I am OK.
"Yes" I lie.
He turns the TV and the light off.
He comes to me and puts his arm over me.
I'm hot. I squirm around until the covers are mostly off me.
I sigh. Bastard. You are still not trying anything???
Nope he doesn't. He rolls away.
5 minutes later I pop up and say "Are you really that tired?"
"Well, no. Well, yes. I am tired but I am wondering what is going on with you."
"How come you are not trying anything" I ask.
"I did!"
"When I put my arm around you. I stopped because it felt like you wanted to be left alone."
"You have GOT to me kidding me! Putting your ARM around me is not trying! Kissing or inappropriate touching is trying!!!"
"Oh. Well I have dealt with this before and I was not going to try when you were not in the mood."
"Mr Big Man, these hormones are insane. I am ALWAYS in the mood. Remember, I think like a man now. I will NOT turn you down and you BETTER hit on me! What does this say about us? 5 months or so in and you are not wanting me? We should be bunnies! We should not be able to get our hands off of each other. How come you CAN keep your hands off of me?"
"I do want you, I just don't ... I could tell you did not want to be bothered. You were squirming around."
"YEAH! I was hot!"
"Ohhhh. Ohhhh." He thinks for a bit. "I ... I ... it seemed you did not want to be bothered so I was not going to bother you. I don't want to try to have sex with someone that does not want it back."
"I AM NOT HANNAH!! You can NOT take what I do and equate it to something she did. I AM NOT HANNAH!!" **side note, Hannah is his Ex-Wife.
"I know you are not her!"
"That is not fair, you can't do that!"
"I'm not!"
Silence. I start crying. Gosh darn hormones! I wonder if I should go home.
"Mr Big Man, I am not seeing you for 2 weeks after tonight. TWO weeks! For you to not try something ... it scares me. How could you not try???" The tears slow.
"You know how busy work is. I have been working 13 hours days getting ready for the business trip next week. I am tired! I just did not think. Well I was thinking then you popped up yelling at me."
The tears start coming again. DAMN PMS!
"Come here" he says.
I don't move.
"Come HERE."
I go. Slowly. Good Lord! How old am I? But you know, when someone hurts you it can be hard to seek comfort in them.
We talk some more. We talk about what I was thinking was wrong and what he was thinking that was wrong. At one point I said the conversation could have gone really bad. One of us could have gotten really pissed off. He agreed. I think this was our first fight.
I congratulate him on making me cry 3 times tonight. He asked if that was a record. I said not lately. He said we have lots of time before midnight, he could try to make the record.
I laughed.
I turned my head up to look at him. "I want you ... I want you to want me."
He starts to sing "I neeeeeed you to neeeeed meeeeeee."
That makes me laugh more.
"I'm serious!"
He says "Me too."