overwhelmed

May 8th, 2009
Today my break up blog posts. I do not get a lot of comments usually ... and WHY is that? I love comments ... but today I had a ton.
Y'all said I did a brave thing. Yes, I did it but I was told to do it. Amy "made" me. I was a pitiful mass of tears when I called her with no direction and she told me to do it. That is why I did it. And NO, I will not jump off a bridge because my friends are. Unless it looks like fun. And no one has died. Lately.
So, let's give Amy her props. Thanks Aim!
But boy oh boy was today filled with lots of tears. It is HARD.
At one point I was reading the comments and it was to much. I didn't live up to what I said to him. I did not think I was strong. I MISS HIM SO MUCH. I broke down and sobbed. Just sobbed. I let myself down. I let my friends down. I let strangers down.
Melinda called me at that moment and wanted to know what I was doing.
"Crying. What are you doing?" I asked through tears.
Melinda you saved me that night. Thank you.
Another key thing that happened today was from a twitter friend. Someone that I do not know. She read my blog because I asked twitter users if they thought he might be depressed. They agreed. However, TinkerandPo really jumped in with what she thought. We exchanged emails. I even told her his real name!!!
Well of course I HAD to email him again. Why??? Because I MUST be some kind of crazy email stalker that can't get over her X!!!! What is WRONG with me????
Mistake #3.
Good Lord, there better not be any more mistakes!!!!
Here is my email ... with edits:
Mr Big Man,
You know I write about you. Our break up just posted yesterday and today. I have had several interesting emails about this. I HAD to share this one with you. I do not know this person. We "follow" each other on Twitter and that is how she found my blog.
Replying to the post yesterday -
It couldn't be more obvious if he were wearing a neon sign that said "HI I'M DEPRESSED!" He's overwhelmed with everything and so can not do anything. He doesn't know if he wants to see you because he's having a hard time feeling...feeling anything at all. It's not you it's him.
Good luck to you both.
So I "twittered" her back and asked: so you think he is depressed and not just over me?
I also replied to her comments with "Holy crap! What am I to do?"
She replied back on twitter: "TinkerAndPo: @withmystilettos He is SO not just over you. will email you l8tr
We exchanged emails on twitter. And I wrote this: If he is depressed what am I to do? Forward your comments? Call him? What do you suggest? I just don't know what to do for it is is a real break up due to we drifted or he lost interest I don't want to seem like a crazy X. KWIM?
Replying to my email she wrote:
Hi Nikki
Here’s my take on it. You’ve been together 5 months, with no “I love you”’s. Do you love Mr Big Man? I mean, do you really love him for better or worse? Because loving someone with depression is definitely on the “worse” side of things…or at least, it can be. It doesn’t have to be. But men are hardheaded and don’t like to go to doctors and see depression as a personal failure blah blah blahhdy blah. KWIM?
Go to the Dr Mr Big Man! You "made" me with my booby issue and now I am "making" you. :)

This BETTER be my last mistake. No more, Nikki. No more. CONTROL yourself!!! I can do this. I can do this. And as one person said in comments to remind myself that I AM NOT DISPOSABLE. Thank Gawd I have the pity party tomorrow night.