Friday, April 10, 2009


March 14th , 2009
I am so excited to see him.
It's a 9:20 showing. I get there. We watch TV. During the commercials I straddle him and we make out. I can tell he loves it but hates it too for when the show resumes I get right off and act like nothing happened.
Such a tease I am.
After the show I quit teasing. We get it ONNNNNNNN.
We are talking now. I ask if he has thought about when to meet each other's children. If he had any dates or time frames in his mind. He goes on about no time frames but he has thought about it. Thinks he will do it when his son is ready. His son is 5.
I ask "What does that mean when your son is ready?"
Mr Big Man says "Well children are never ready but when I think he is ready and he will be OK knowing Daddy has a special Lady friend. He figured out today I was talking to a woman on the phone."
I go silent. He asks if I thought of a time frame. I said I always had 6 months in my head. I go silent again.
My mind is turning. What does he mean when his son is ready? When is a 5 year old ever ready? His son is not acting out from the separation / divorce from over a year ago. His son has adjusted. What does he mean? Is this a bull shit answer?
He asks what I am thinking. It snaps me to attention. First thing I hear is the radio so I lie and say I am listening to the music.
He accepts. I know he is talking to me but I am not listening.
My mind goes back to racing. That IS a bull shit answer!!! What does this mean? He knows I love him. He has NOT said it back. I have not said it again to him.
Does he think he will never fall in love with me?
Oh. My. Word. He thinks he is never going to fall in love with me so we would never need to get the children involved. Oh. My. Word. I am freaking out now.
He's asleep.
Bastard. How can you fall asleep when I am freaking out??? How can you not love me? Well OK, I understand one does not choose to love someone but one can let the other go when they figure out they are not "the one" or they will never love the other.
Oh my. This is terrible. This is crushing.
The alarm goes off. Usually this signals our next sex session ... yes I know, odd but whatever, naps work for us.
I quickly get out of bed. I can't have sex with him right now. I have to leave. I have to leave now.
I get dressed. He gets up and walks me downstairs. I know he is confused but he is also sleepy. He won't ask questions now.
I give him a kiss good-bye. I act nice. I am not mean. But I HAVE TO FLEE NOW. Now before I break down and cry in front of him.
I get in the car and leave.
I cry the whole ride home. It's lonely at 2:00 AM.

1 comment:

  1. No sabatoge here....At least not from my vantage point. Good post.


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