1 down

There is this boy. I call him a boy but he is really a man. I think.
He is 26. Ahhh! That sounds so young!
He is cute. No, he is a very good looking man. I would even venture and say he is hot. Very easy on the eyes.
We meet off of match and he lives in the big city an hour away. He works about 30 minutes away. However his mother lives in my town and he comes to visit her often.
We like each other. He makes me feel like a school girl. We have not gone on a date yet but we are scheduling one.
It's fitting because he is leaving in the fall to move to Michigan. Now why would that be? He is going back to school to complete his Masters.
He is smart, he has traveled, he speaks French fluently (swoon!), he loves him momma!
But he is leaving.
Awwww.
I do not have a nickname for him now.

Totally Random Tuesdays

Annnnnnnnnd we are back! It's time to be done with the pitiful mess, don't cha think??
Totally Random Tuesdays.

I LOVE it when Sasha confesses her truth. Whatever the truth may be it tickles me pink!

I use to hate the color pink when I was little. I kinda like it now.

Mariah Carrey annoys me.

College is not hard. In fact so far it is a breeze. However it is kicking my ass with the time commitment.

If a guy has never been married and is older than 35 I am wary of them.

Sometimes I wish I was that woman that had sex on the first date.

Then I look at my daughter and am proud I am not.

But I still sometimes wish to be "bad" again.

I think Amy is the only friend I am still close with that REALLY knows how bad I once was.

I know many secrets. I love to learn people's secrets. I want to collect them on everyone I know! haha BUT I do not spill. I am a great secret keeper.

There is this guy in Canada on Twitter ... he offered to send me my favorite iced coffee syrup (Nescafe Iced Java mocha flavor). I turned him down but think I should do it anyways. I mean, they discontinued it in the US!!! I have to order it online. Hmmm. He IS in Canada so the likely hood of him hunting me down and killing me is very slim. What do you think???

Who are you Fort Collins, CO person? Email me at withmystilettos@gmail.com and let me know!

Ben Harper - Walk Away

Such a pretty song. Such a sad song. Such a song that I will live by today.




Oh no
Here comes that sun again
That means another day
Without you my friend

And it hurts me
To look into the mirror at myself
And it hurts even more
To have to be with somebody else
And its so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away

With so many people
To love in my life
Why do I worry
About one

But you put the happy
In my ness
You put the good times
Into my fun
And its so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away
And head for the door

We've tried the goodbye
So many days
We walk in the same direction
So that we could never stray
They say if you love somebody
Than you have got to set them free
But I would rather be locked to you
Than live in this pain and misery

They say time will
Make all this go away
But its time that has taken my tomorrows
And turned them into yesterdays
And once again that rising sun
Is dropping on down
And once again you my friend
Are nowhere to be found
And its so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away
And head for the door
You just walk away
Walk away

i lie

June 5th, 2009
I lie. I lie to myself and others. I am not over it. I am far, far from over it.
I am HAUNTED.
I pine for him. Pine. That was his word. It's fitting.
My sorrow is so intense. It has a death grip on me.
I miss him. Constantly. I say I am ready to be his friend but I really am not. I am not OK with him not wanting me. I am not OK with loosing my love. I am not OK with being told he made the right decision. It really feels like my soul is torn. Ripped and shredded. Unraveled. The string, that one string keeps getting longer and longer.
I lie to my friends. My friends that read my blog. My friends that don't read my blog. I lie. I'm not ashamed that I am not over it but I do not want to hear it anymore. I do not want to be told to move on. I do not want to be told I deserve something better. I do not want to be told everything will be OK. I do not want to be told it will take time to heal. I do not want to be told I will meet someone else.
My heart and soul are broken. Period.
I will continue to lie. To you. To myself. To him.
I will continue to lie until everything I do not want to be told will happen. I will continue to lie so you will not feel pity for me.
Just let me lie to you. Let me make believe. Let me pretend.
This my friend is a true diary entry. If you confront me on it be prepared for me to lie. I will wear a mask of happiness, strength, wittiness and calm. It's fake. It's all a lie.

it always comes down to the right pair

Trying on shoes.

It's a girl thing, right?

We go to the right size. Our eyes zero in on a color or style. If it excites us we pick it up. Turn it around. Maybe marvel at the height of the heel or bend the toes up. If it passes the flexibility test or "will I be able to walk in this?" test we will slip one on.

Do you sit on the floor or a stool to do this? I usually stand. Sometimes it is an easy slip on. Sometimes we have to tie it or buckle it properly. Once one is on we will judge it to decide if we need to put the other one on.

Let's say it does feel good on one foot. If that is the case I HAVE to put the other one on.

Roll up the pant legs so we can see what our feet and legs look like.

Take a step. Two. Three.

Balance in the stilettos and go slow at first. Walk fast in slip-ons. Squeeze the toes together to hold the flip flops on. Walk to the mirror.

How are your calves? How are your toes? How uncomfortable is the fit? Will I be able to walk at the end of the day? If no, are they sexy enough to justify? Does it pinch the heel or the arch of your foot? How does it make you feel? Again, how are those toes?

If everything comes together we may walk around more. We may take then off, put them back in the box and take the box off the shelf. THESE ARE MINE.

But what is the cost? Will it break the bank? Will it make you go negative? Will it be a small ding? How does it make you feel?

If the value is not good, if the fit is not good, if it hurts you, does not accentuate your calves, does not make you happy, is not the right style or go with anything in your closet ... you put it back.

Put it back on the shelf.

Be on the look out for that perfect pair. You know the one I am talking about. Have you been looking for it for months or years? Have you found yours? It's the ONE. The one with the value, the right fit, does not hurt, makes you look hot, makes you smile, goes with your current life; well that ONE. The one you want to keep.
Go ahead buy it. Take it home. Show it off. It is your favorite pair.

I am shopping for THE pair of shoes right now. The shoes are the men. I have not found one to buy. Sadly, I have not found one that I want to try on ... any foot.

Totally Random Tuesdays

Ok, here is the deal. I do not have much to "report" at this time. There are men I am talking to. There are men who I have gone out on dates with. Nothing too exciting. Nothing that I want to make more dates with.
I have not found Mr Awesome yet. That will totally be a nickname of someone I date!
So after browsing other blogs I have decides to steal some themes. One is Totally Random Tuesdays! I will type random things. What I am thinking, feeling, whatever ... it's all random.

So Cheers to my first Totally Random Tuesday.

My ass hurts. Big time. I worked out and did lunges. Many. Too many. My ass hurts.

I love Josh Weldon. He creates great characters & shows.

I always say "grr ... argh" with the mutant enemy monster at the end of every Josh Weldon show. Don't know what I am talking about? Google it.

I hate the view out of my front windows of my home. I love the side and back views.

I look like a hot librarian when I wear my glasses.

I love the word totally.

I signed up for Condron.us and seem to be getting a lot of hits on this blog. One person stayed for 6 hours!

Parapluie is my favorite French word to say. It means umbrella.

I dance in the shower. Doesn't everyone?

I get 1 stray hair on my chinny chin chin that I HATE. It's coarse and black. All together now, ewww. I chant "out bastard out" when I tweeze it.

When I was little I wanted to be a famous singer. That dream is still with me but I know now I can not carry a tune.

Anything more than basic math scares me. I feel paralyzed and my mind goes blank. I can not reason, think or try to problem solve.

I'm obsessed with rotating my dishes, silverware and cups.

I listen to Ryan Seacrest every workday AM and in the PM I stream pandora.com.

closure

May 25th, 2009
I went out of town for the Memorial Day weekend. I had to drive by Mr Big Man's house. This is the first time I have done this since the break up.
The drive by cut all the strength I had.
I text him 'can I call you later' It really, kinda pisses me off that I have his cell phone memorized. Remember all his phone numbers are deleted from my phone. I use to have a tendency to make booty calls or drunk calls to Ex's so this is how I stopped that nasty habit. Delete, delete, delete.
He replies right back 'yes - of course. glad to know you made it home OK'
What the hell? How did he know I was out of town? Hmm, he must not know who I am. Did he delete my number too??? HAHA! That is too funny. I text him again 'do you know who I am?'
He replied right back 'yes'.
OK. He knows who I am. Still don't get the comment about me making it home OK. Maybe I told him I was going out of town for the holiday? Who knows.
An hour or so later he texts me again 'did mom and dad give you the lawn mower?' Yes, this man has NO idea who I am!
We finally get it straightened out who I am. He says we should talk the next night. We do.
He tells me what is going on. I tell him. We laugh. He is a silly man. It felt like we were back where we use to be. Playing, sharing, giggling with each other. The ease of everything. Illusions can be evil.
I get to the point. Do you miss me I ask.
He said he did but he did not pine for me. He made the right decision. He wanted to know if I regretted anything. I did not and I told him that.
I gave him permission to read my blog. He knows the address. He said he would read it. I told him he knew me at my worst. SUCKER! haha! But truly he did. I was a mess! The hormones really screwed me up.
This news, that he did not pine for me, gave me relief. I was so happy to hear that. I'm not sure why. I did not cry (shocker) and I even went to sleep with a smile on my face. My good friend Beth wanted to know if I was waiting for June 3rd and I told her "I don't think so. I hope not." After having this conversation I came to the conclusion I was waiting for it. I was waiting for an answer. My life was on hold because of a careless "MAYBE".
Once that maybe was removed ... it felt like my life could start again. I felt relief. I was happy. I was at peace.
I believe that Mr Big Man is a soul mate of mine. Maybe not a life partner / lover soul mate but he made my soul sing. He was another serendipity in my life. He was brought to me for a reason.
I have closure. This is something one rarely gets at the end of a relationship. Sometimes I can be so damn lucky.

nickname needed

May 19th, 2009
Not Matt Damon AKA Stud AKA I need a nick name for this man.
He got a first date.
We went to lunch today at a sandwich shop. He is decent looking. We laughed. He was witty. It was comfortable.
When the lunch date was over he offered me his hand. I took it! But in the car I was like HHSBM!! (Holy hot shit batman) He offered me his HAND! Whatevers!
I sent him an email when I got back to work. It said I had a good time but he better not offer me his hand on the second date. haha
PLEASE help me come up with a name for him. For some reason nothing wants to stick. I think he will be around for a bit so I need one.
Here are some facts:
He works for a school district.
He was a therapist.
He is a father of 2.
He has soft lips and what I mean about that is he kisses softly. Like a butterfly. Not that I know what a butterfly kisses like ... where did that imagery come from??? (yes he got a 2nd date and did NOT offer me his hand)
His brother looks like Matt Damon and he does not.
One of HIS nicknames from his own friends is A-Rod.
He plays the guitar. Was in a band. Played for 20 some years.
He is witty.
Help me out here. PLEASE!!!

where do i go to school for this?

Random thought in May.
I wanna learn to pole dance. Srsly!
I wanna learn to pole dance.

Thought you should know.

run. run quickly

May 18th, 2009
Dr PB.
Interesting name, huh? He works in the medical field and the PB relates to Reeses Peanut Butter cups. So we came up with Dr PB (thanks for the help Melissa!).
He called me "STUNNING!!". That will get my attention. Not pretty. Not cute. Not hot. STUNNING! Ahhh, shucks. Thanks.
My long black lashes are fluttering (thanks mascara!).
We seem to be a good match on email. He answers my questions. All satisfactory. I decide we need to go to the phone calls. He gives me his number on Wednesday.
I do not call him Wednesday.
He emails me Thursday. "What, no phone call?!"
I emailed back. "Nope. You will have to wait. I am a busy, stunning woman. I will call you Sunday night." Notice how I have to throw stunning around?
He says fine.
So I call him on the way to get my daughter. I have 30 minutes to spare. The phone call was fascinating! It was really educational and opened my eyes to what I should look at school wise. Go to nursing school? Hell no. I am going for a sonogram technician. This was his idea and he has no clue as to what kind of person I am but it fit. Everything connected in my head and was like ding, ding, ding. It was serendipity.
I told him I would call him later that evening.
I notice he does not ask me questions on the second phone call. I ask why. He says ... GET THIS ... he says "I don't want to pretend I am interested in you."
For reals! He said that!
{insert giggles}
He also asked me what was the dirtiest 4 letter word I could think of. I told him to just tell me the answer. "Love" he said. FOR REALS! {insert laughter} I asked him to explain and he said "think back to your first love. How did that turn out? How about your last love? How did that turn out? The things people get away with when they are in love are ridiculous." I asked what would he do if 5 months from now I said "Dr PB, I love you". His reply was "I don't think I want you to tell me that." {insert wide eyes and mouth open}
We get on the topic of our EX's. VERY interesting fact here. When someone asks me about my EX I ALWAYS default to my daughter's dad. I don't think of Mr P. I don't think of Mr Big Man. I wonder why. Any psychs out there let me know what you think of that ...
Regarding the EXs, I told some about mine. How he was not good for me. It was very unhealthy. He told me ... GET THIS ... he said "if you were treated like shit then you deserved it. Only people who allow themselves to be treated that way are. So you deserved it. You deserved all the abuse you got."
eek.
Run Nikki RUN!!! I did. I said thanks for the wisdom and insight on school but I think this conversation is over. {insert flapping hands in an ick motion. you know, to get the shit off your hands!}

can't make up my mind

May 17th, 2009
Dreamer.
This man gets me flustered. I like to have the upper hand. Or at least think I do. Sometimes. Yes, I want the upper hand. Not always. Damn Pisces coming out again. I want this, no! I want that! No! I want this again. OK, OK, I'm done talking to myself. Phew.
Back to the point.
Dreamer knows my sisters. He knows my childhood. He knows my family's current situation. How? He lived on the block I did when I was little. He played with my sisters. He knows things. He found my sisters on Facebook and one sister gave him the break down of my family's life (not me in particular but parents, siblings, etc.) My sister spilled the beans months before he found me on match.
This still unnerves me. He knows too much too soon. Again, nothing about me in particular.
I don't know if I should continue to talk to him.
Also with Dreamer, he HAD a dream to build this wonderful big house on a golf course. Now he is just missing the wife and kids. He wants that. Bad. Almost desperate about it. He mentioned it several times. Too many times for it to be a slip of the tongue. PLUS he said we have a special connection since my family was a good childhood memory for him.
I have NO memory of him.
grrr.
Yes. Not his fault but I feel the need to drop him. Should I give it another shot or cut it?

two down

May 16th, 2009
Here I am here!! Did you miss me?
Joe Schmo & Soccer Star.
Not too great matches here.
Joe Schmo is an old pro with Internet dating. I guess I am too?? I "met" him online 2 years ago. Same time when Mr Hottie came into the picture. Well Joe & I talked on the phone and it never went anywhere. It was blah blah blah. Nothing exciting.
Fast forward 2 years to now. He sees me on match and sends an email saying all these nice things. I can tell he read my about me. He was paying attention. However I could tell he had no memory of me. Dude, that is not cool. I called him out on that. He laughed and said he thought I looked familiar. He wanted to get together. But you see, I remembered how BLAH it was with him so I said no and I said why. In a nice way. I hope.
Soccer Star!!! Oh poor SS. He tried. Everything I was looking for he did not have. But he tried. He was a pessimist. I told him I needed an optimist. He said he could change! He was still angry with his X. I told him I needed one who was "over it". He said he was (a day after he said he wasn't). SS did not want anymore kids. I said I did. He said we could try. I said bye-bye.