closure

May 25th, 2009
I went out of town for the Memorial Day weekend. I had to drive by Mr Big Man's house. This is the first time I have done this since the break up.
The drive by cut all the strength I had.
I text him 'can I call you later' It really, kinda pisses me off that I have his cell phone memorized. Remember all his phone numbers are deleted from my phone. I use to have a tendency to make booty calls or drunk calls to Ex's so this is how I stopped that nasty habit. Delete, delete, delete.
He replies right back 'yes - of course. glad to know you made it home OK'
What the hell? How did he know I was out of town? Hmm, he must not know who I am. Did he delete my number too??? HAHA! That is too funny. I text him again 'do you know who I am?'
He replied right back 'yes'.
OK. He knows who I am. Still don't get the comment about me making it home OK. Maybe I told him I was going out of town for the holiday? Who knows.
An hour or so later he texts me again 'did mom and dad give you the lawn mower?' Yes, this man has NO idea who I am!
We finally get it straightened out who I am. He says we should talk the next night. We do.
He tells me what is going on. I tell him. We laugh. He is a silly man. It felt like we were back where we use to be. Playing, sharing, giggling with each other. The ease of everything. Illusions can be evil.
I get to the point. Do you miss me I ask.
He said he did but he did not pine for me. He made the right decision. He wanted to know if I regretted anything. I did not and I told him that.
I gave him permission to read my blog. He knows the address. He said he would read it. I told him he knew me at my worst. SUCKER! haha! But truly he did. I was a mess! The hormones really screwed me up.
This news, that he did not pine for me, gave me relief. I was so happy to hear that. I'm not sure why. I did not cry (shocker) and I even went to sleep with a smile on my face. My good friend Beth wanted to know if I was waiting for June 3rd and I told her "I don't think so. I hope not." After having this conversation I came to the conclusion I was waiting for it. I was waiting for an answer. My life was on hold because of a careless "MAYBE".
Once that maybe was removed ... it felt like my life could start again. I felt relief. I was happy. I was at peace.
I believe that Mr Big Man is a soul mate of mine. Maybe not a life partner / lover soul mate but he made my soul sing. He was another serendipity in my life. He was brought to me for a reason.
I have closure. This is something one rarely gets at the end of a relationship. Sometimes I can be so damn lucky.

run. run quickly

May 18th, 2009
Dr PB.
Interesting name, huh? He works in the medical field and the PB relates to Reeses Peanut Butter cups. So we came up with Dr PB (thanks for the help Melissa!).
He called me "STUNNING!!". That will get my attention. Not pretty. Not cute. Not hot. STUNNING! Ahhh, shucks. Thanks.
My long black lashes are fluttering (thanks mascara!).
We seem to be a good match on email. He answers my questions. All satisfactory. I decide we need to go to the phone calls. He gives me his number on Wednesday.
I do not call him Wednesday.
He emails me Thursday. "What, no phone call?!"
I emailed back. "Nope. You will have to wait. I am a busy, stunning woman. I will call you Sunday night." Notice how I have to throw stunning around?
He says fine.
So I call him on the way to get my daughter. I have 30 minutes to spare. The phone call was fascinating! It was really educational and opened my eyes to what I should look at school wise. Go to nursing school? Hell no. I am going for a sonogram technician. This was his idea and he has no clue as to what kind of person I am but it fit. Everything connected in my head and was like ding, ding, ding. It was serendipity.
I told him I would call him later that evening.
I notice he does not ask me questions on the second phone call. I ask why. He says ... GET THIS ... he says "I don't want to pretend I am interested in you."
For reals! He said that!
{insert giggles}
He also asked me what was the dirtiest 4 letter word I could think of. I told him to just tell me the answer. "Love" he said. FOR REALS! {insert laughter} I asked him to explain and he said "think back to your first love. How did that turn out? How about your last love? How did that turn out? The things people get away with when they are in love are ridiculous." I asked what would he do if 5 months from now I said "Dr PB, I love you". His reply was "I don't think I want you to tell me that." {insert wide eyes and mouth open}
We get on the topic of our EX's. VERY interesting fact here. When someone asks me about my EX I ALWAYS default to my daughter's dad. I don't think of Mr P. I don't think of Mr Big Man. I wonder why. Any psychs out there let me know what you think of that ...
Regarding the EXs, I told some about mine. How he was not good for me. It was very unhealthy. He told me ... GET THIS ... he said "if you were treated like shit then you deserved it. Only people who allow themselves to be treated that way are. So you deserved it. You deserved all the abuse you got."
eek.
Run Nikki RUN!!! I did. I said thanks for the wisdom and insight on school but I think this conversation is over. {insert flapping hands in an ick motion. you know, to get the shit off your hands!}