Thursday, February 26, 2009

Apples to Oranges

January 8th, 2009
We are officially together now. I get the Big "E". Exclusive!! I have a boyfriend. It's odd knowing ... the guess work is gone. I like it.
And oh my gosh it just hit me. Like, right now at 11:04 AM at work. The slap did not hurt but it was a nice revelation. I like Mr Big Man. Big time. I do. I mean, no love here but I am SOOOOO into him. I am thinking about him all the time now. He is such a good man. He treats me well.
He told me he would treat me right even if it means he has to make tough choices. Has a man ever told you that? No one has ever said that to me before. Besides telling me, I have seen actions of it. He has already made a tough choice and has stuck to it to treat me right. I have a dreadful secret. I kept comparing him to Mr P. Terrible I know. I think it's time to stop.
With Mr P there was so much passion. Electricity would be bouncing off of us in a room. I had to touch him. I had no choice, my hand just moved on it's own ... or you know, he grabbed it. There was all that intimacy. I could not control it. He controlled it! I wanted it to stop, don't you remember? He pushed it further and deeper and would not stop. The shower, the being carried down the hall and other things that I did not share. How he would move with me, react to me ... touch me during sex was not ... "normal". He was like a man possessed. As y'all know he was not such a good match for me. DUH! He dumped me. I did have feelings for him. I was not in love, I was in lust. Extreme, dramatic, overwhelming, mind consuming lust. How can one NOT compare others to that???
Mr Big Man I can talk to. I can share with. I can be ME. I AM me! We laugh. A lot. We play. I tell him he has multiple personalities. One is Charlie Brown - "you are such a good man, Charlie Brown" when he does something above the call of duty. One is Joey - when he is being sexy and asking "How you doin" in the Joey from Friends voice. One is Mr Big Man when he is being ... well Mr Big Man. He enjoys it. He plays along. We do not have that passion, not the passion I had with Mr P. Now, when we are making out he rocks my world. Our one night of sex was yummy. I definitely want it again.
We do not have the intimacy. I told him I did not want it. It scares me. Especially at the beginning of a relationship. Especially when I am being pushed into it. He understood and said OK. He would wait but not for long. He prefers to "make love" instead of animal sex. Besides we both agreed once sex starts feelings are skewed and what is lust can be mistaken for love. Is it too early for me to say screw it and give me the intimacy? I mean he is going to do it anyways. I WANT it with Mr Big Man. I did not want it with Mr P. When Mr Big Man gives me the intimacy can I still be the whore I want to be with him? Hmm, how do you mix that together??
Maybe I should give a silent shout out to Mr P for showing me this side of myself. Showing me how powerful it is. I never had it with anyone else.
I asked Mr Big Man for permission the other night to continue writing these journals. I asked him because I am sharing personal details here. When he meets y'all will he be OK knowing that YOU know we had sex 5 times in one night the first time? Will he be OK knowing that YOU know I call him Mr Big Man for more than one reason? Well I guess he doesn't care. He wants me to continue! He is OK with it. He supports my writing.
I am not sure how I can "top" them. Hopefully he will have something up his sleeve. Remember, I let go and he catches. He always catches me when I fall. Maybe I will get the intimacy I want. If I do, y'all better strap yourselves in!
It might be one wild ride!!!

PS I am not going to change my writing because my momma does not listen to me and decides to read my journals.

PPS I saw a shooting star last night for the first time in a long time. I made a wish. I wished he was the one.

PPPS And leave comments! I get a kick out of reading what you say.

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