Ride em Cowboy!

January 9th, 2009
Setting the stage: Mr Big Man received spurs as a Birthday gift from his work. He is not sure why but they are pretty cool. Very nice spurs at that! They are expensive.
Mr Big Man has a 4 poster bed. A manly 4 poster bed, not a girly one! He doesn't wear spurs. At least I do not think so ... He decided to put them on one of the posts. On top of the spurs he hung his cowboy hat. I went to Mr Big Man's house last night.
The stage: In bed. Second round. I'm on top. It's the serious sex. The heavy kissing and the perfect rhythm. We are in the grove and just feeling. The tempo increases. The hearts are pounding. I sit up. The tempo increases more. Oh this feels so good. With every move there is now a JINGLE JINGLE JINGLE JINGLE! The spurs WALK down the bed post. The jingle is very loud.
It was so freaking funny. I sputtered out "Ride em Cowboy!" That made us laugh even harder. I said I am gonna "so journal this" and he groaned but kept laughing. We had to stop the sex for we were laughing too hard. Finally Mr Big Man ended up sitting up and flipping me over onto my back. I was close to the edge of the bed. We started up again and with the movement I was pushed closer and closer and then over the side of the bed. I was so far over I could not stay on and we fell to the floor! I fell to the freakin floor people!
Have you ever fallen to the floor with sex? Have you ever had spurs walk down the bed post during sex?
That was the funniest sex I ever had. I swear the memories we have will stay with us - at least me - forever.

Apples to Oranges

January 8th, 2009
We are officially together now. I get the Big "E". Exclusive!! I have a boyfriend. It's odd knowing ... the guess work is gone. I like it.
And oh my gosh it just hit me. Like, right now at 11:04 AM at work. The slap did not hurt but it was a nice revelation. I like Mr Big Man. Big time. I do. I mean, no love here but I am SOOOOO into him. I am thinking about him all the time now. He is such a good man. He treats me well.
He told me he would treat me right even if it means he has to make tough choices. Has a man ever told you that? No one has ever said that to me before. Besides telling me, I have seen actions of it. He has already made a tough choice and has stuck to it to treat me right. I have a dreadful secret. I kept comparing him to Mr P. Terrible I know. I think it's time to stop.
With Mr P there was so much passion. Electricity would be bouncing off of us in a room. I had to touch him. I had no choice, my hand just moved on it's own ... or you know, he grabbed it. There was all that intimacy. I could not control it. He controlled it! I wanted it to stop, don't you remember? He pushed it further and deeper and would not stop. The shower, the being carried down the hall and other things that I did not share. How he would move with me, react to me ... touch me during sex was not ... "normal". He was like a man possessed. As y'all know he was not such a good match for me. DUH! He dumped me. I did have feelings for him. I was not in love, I was in lust. Extreme, dramatic, overwhelming, mind consuming lust. How can one NOT compare others to that???
Mr Big Man I can talk to. I can share with. I can be ME. I AM me! We laugh. A lot. We play. I tell him he has multiple personalities. One is Charlie Brown - "you are such a good man, Charlie Brown" when he does something above the call of duty. One is Joey - when he is being sexy and asking "How you doin" in the Joey from Friends voice. One is Mr Big Man when he is being ... well Mr Big Man. He enjoys it. He plays along. We do not have that passion, not the passion I had with Mr P. Now, when we are making out he rocks my world. Our one night of sex was yummy. I definitely want it again.
We do not have the intimacy. I told him I did not want it. It scares me. Especially at the beginning of a relationship. Especially when I am being pushed into it. He understood and said OK. He would wait but not for long. He prefers to "make love" instead of animal sex. Besides we both agreed once sex starts feelings are skewed and what is lust can be mistaken for love. Is it too early for me to say screw it and give me the intimacy? I mean he is going to do it anyways. I WANT it with Mr Big Man. I did not want it with Mr P. When Mr Big Man gives me the intimacy can I still be the whore I want to be with him? Hmm, how do you mix that together??
Maybe I should give a silent shout out to Mr P for showing me this side of myself. Showing me how powerful it is. I never had it with anyone else.
I asked Mr Big Man for permission the other night to continue writing these journals. I asked him because I am sharing personal details here. When he meets y'all will he be OK knowing that YOU know we had sex 5 times in one night the first time? Will he be OK knowing that YOU know I call him Mr Big Man for more than one reason? Well I guess he doesn't care. He wants me to continue! He is OK with it. He supports my writing.
I am not sure how I can "top" them. Hopefully he will have something up his sleeve. Remember, I let go and he catches. He always catches me when I fall. Maybe I will get the intimacy I want. If I do, y'all better strap yourselves in!
It might be one wild ride!!!

PS I am not going to change my writing because my momma does not listen to me and decides to read my journals.

PPS I saw a shooting star last night for the first time in a long time. I made a wish. I wished he was the one.

PPPS And leave comments! I get a kick out of reading what you say.

Mr Big Man keeps going and going and going …

January 4th, 2009
Geez! I hope my mom does not read this. However she reminded me when I was younger I had a tendency to write about all my personal "stuff" and leave it for her to find. What a terrible daughter I was!!
I see Mr Big Man Friday night. There was a celebration and I meet 3 sets of couples that are his friends. One friend he has known for over 20 years! I was with Mr Big Man until 2:00ish AM. The lot of us had a lot of fun and it was nice to meet some of his friends.
His parents were still visiting his house so we HAD to wait until Saturday to get it on for the first time. However, that did not stop us from making out in his laundry room!!! It was hysterical when his mom comes into the kitchen and he is like "stay here!!!" Oh my word, how old are we? Whose house is this? Oh, it was funny. However I agree, that is not the way to meet the mother.
Saturday. I sleep most of the day! I woke up due to a phone call from Sasha going "Ah, Darling Nikki, where are you?" It was 9:10ish and I was to be at the coffee shop at 9:00. EEK! I was there in a flash. Came home, went back to bed. He sends me a text saying he is looking forward to tonight. He leaves me a message that his parents are gone and we are gonna GET IT ON!
I did not respond to the text or voice mail. I was sleeping, remember? I called him after his 2nd text and 2nd voice mail and said "Yes, we are gonna get it on, like Donkey Kong!" I mean this is going to be our first time!!!! He did tell me something really funny. When he was out with his son at Walgreens on Saturday, he found a BOB (battery operated boyfriend)! I about died! This man is a keeper.
So, I get ready. I shave!
I put on my new spectacular black bra. Very sexy. Very steamy. I even like the twins in there! Oh! They are the big twins still. YES.
He likes my hair curly, I know, what is wrong with him? No sexy straight hair for him. I leave it natural. Throw on my sweats and I am out the door. Yes I wore sweats. Easy on and off is what I was thinking.
I get there and I am so nervous. I told him I need a drink. He laughs and makes one for me.
We head up stairs.
I am walking behind him thinking, "this isn't romantic, this isn't sexy, this is not passion" ... silently freaking out. I quickly finish my drink. We talk and I am getting more and more nervous. Why did we plan this? I'd rather not know! I finally go sit on his bed while he is getting ready (kicked the dogs out, turn on the heater for it was cold, etc). I realized I am facing the mirror. I stare at myself. Judging. I am in sweat pants with a large sweat shirt on ... what was I thinking???!!! I gave myself a 4. Mr Big Man comes behind me and I tell him to take off my shirt. We are both looking in the mirror and BAM. My spectacular black bra is showing. He LIKED. I liked! I gave myself a 10 at that moment looking in the mirror. A kiss to the neck and the passion began.
That is all the details you are getting. The basics would be he has stamina! I was still a whore and there was a lot of ... well, I was very vocal. The foreplay still lasted a long time but finally when I "demanded" it he gave it to me. After the 3rd time I fell asleep in his arms. He woke me up about an hour or so later ... After the 5th time it was time to go home. I left at 2:30AM.
How about that for the energizer bunny??
I told him I was going to journal this. He gave me a look like DUH, I knew you would.

Nice and Naughty

December 29th, 2008
Date #6 and Date #7
#6 We went to breakfast on Friday morning. I drove up to his town and parked at the park and ride by the toll. He picked me up and we went to First Watch to eat. He saw a co-worker there and we stopped at their table and he introduced me to her. I liked it. It made me feel like he thinks I am a keeper for he wants me to meet his work family. We went to our table and ordered our food. The conversation flowed as it always does. It is amazing to me how many times he says something and I say back "me too!" AND I AM NOT LYING! It really is me too!
One thing I really like is how creative he is. We talked about Leonardo Di Vinci and how he had a million ideas, inventions and things going on at the same time ... Mr Big Man reminds me of Leonardo. He writes music, he writes poetry, he writes books, he invented this accessory for kids (can't go into detail for it will make big money), he builds things ... working on a bed for his son, he installed hardwood in his home ... the list can go on and on.
I am so not creative like that but I already know where I fit in. We talked about this. I keep him on track. I am the planner.
Mr Big Man's parents were watching Little Man while Mr Big Man went to breakfast with me. We were to be gone for 1.5 hours or so. Not a big deal. I asked him what time it was ... 3 hours later. Holy crap we need to get back! He called his parents and let them know he was heading back. On the drive back to my car we said we would go out again Saturday night. WOW! A Friday and Saturday date? This is moving right along. We said our good-byes which were completely PG. It was a nice sweet kiss.

#7 Mr Big Man picked me up on Saturday. The snow and ice day! He drove to my house. We went to eat at Ruby Tuesday and then went to Barnes and Noble for hot chocolate and dessert. I love, love, love, LOVE that he loves hot chocolate like I do. I asked him if Barnes was our date spot and he said it seems to be. We closed down Barnes ... 11PM this time and went back to my house. We were watching TV when my daughter walks into the living room! THIS MAN HAS SEEN MY DAUGHTER twice!!! I do not think she saw him for she was really sleepy but she was looking in his direction. I scooped her up and took her back to bed. After having that heart attack we chilled for a bit. My mom's dog came out and he played with him. After some time we started the make out session.
No PG here, completely X rated. Yeehawww! This man blows my mind. FABULOUS. Yummy. Just incredible. Makes this woman so weak in the knees I can not stand. Literally, I try to stand and I fall right back down. Still no freakin sex. However due to the conversations we had on the phone I understand why. I did not get pissy this time. I still let go and he still caught me. I was still a whore. A whore that does not have sex, is that possible? It is gonna happen very soon. I made him promise!!! haha. I am so looking forward to it. I am still so very scared. Remember his nick name fits very well.
Y-Day ... (Yes, yes OMG yes Day AKA we are gonna have sex!) is January 3rd. I know this. I was promised this!
We are going out again on Tuesday night. Not sure what we are going to do. Then of course we are going out on Saturday 1/3. I KNOW what we are going to do. ;-)
Side notes, I have many nicknames for him. He knows them all. They are: Joey (not his name), Charlie Brown, Mr Big Man, his long name, his name shortened (IE Nikki for Nicole)
I now think about him all the time. I am not seeing anyone else at this point. I have a boyfriend people.
We have not made it official but with us setting the Y-Day it might was well be. We both agree that once sex starts we are EXCLUSIVE.

Pissy? Who me?

December 22nd, 2008
Date # 5.
I got to see his house. He had a very nice house. Beautiful. He likes antique furniture and all the pieces were big ... is there a theme here on big?? He took me on a tour of his house. Do you recall with Mr P, he showed me his closet and I said "I've seen bigger?" Well, I told Mr Big Man this and he thought that was funny. On the tour of his house, Mr Big Man wanted me to see his closet too. It was all in joking fun so I said yeppers and we took a look. The closet is bigger than Mr P's! haha. Bonus points, Mr Big Man has the better house. By far.
After the tour he put Kate's bike together. It took him 10 minutes or so. He did not look at the directions, just did it. It was pretty cool. A man that can use his hands like that is so freakin sexy to me. I told him I would never forget him since he was the man who put together my little girl's first bike. He turned and smiled at me when I said that.
After the bike was put together we started to watch Batman Returns. It was good. I think I missed the last 15 minutes or so of the movie. Now why would that be?? Hmm.
He took my hand and we went upstairs. OK ... my sex drive came back and I think like a man now. I just want the damn sex. I still did not get it! I was pissed!
I told him I did not like him. This was mean. At one point I quasi yelled at him "Are you freakin kidding me?! You MUST be the woman in the relationship and I MUST be the man!!!" Yes it is bad I said that. Yes he still continued.
It was an hour and a half of foreplay. It was delicious. I just completely let go. I trust him 100% and I do not know why. The things he did and how he did them were freakin amazing. It was like my whole body was worshipped and not just one part. It was better than any sexual experience I have ever had except of course the no sex. How can a man have that much self control? I was still a whore!
I asked him if we were ever going to have sex. He said yes definitely. It is going to happen. 10 minutes later I asked if it could happen now. He still said no. Damn him. Bless his heart for doing the right thing.
I left his house at 2:15AM.
His parents are staying at his house until January 5th or so and my whole family is at my house right now. I am not meeting his parents / family and vice versa. I said to him that it seems we would have to wait 2 weeks to see each other again. He said we would figure something out and we did not have to go that long. Last night we made plans for breakfast on the 26th. I wanted the breakfast so there would be no temptation. I need to behave!

Mr Big Man fulfils

December 18th, 2008
4th date with Mr Big Man.
He came over late, 8:45ish and picked me up. My mom was in the living room and I felt like a school girl. "Mom, don't wait up and NO you can not meet him!" I ran out to the car to see him. My mom is staying at my house for the holidays.
We went Christmas shopping. First we went to Best Buy and had a very interesting encounter with Oskar the Sales Man. Oskar was a Chatty Cathy and followed us around the store. It was funny but irritating at the same time. During this Mr Big Man was holding my hand and rubbing my back and just being sweet.
We left Best Buy and went to Toys R Us. I was telling him how I bought my daughter a bike for Christmas and I was NOT looking forward to putting it together. He said "I'll do it; it will be quick and easy." Seriously! He took my Wee One's bike home. I will pick it up from him on Friday at our next date! I did not think I sounded like I wanted him to help. It was just a thought like, crap I have to put this bike together but I can do it. What brownie points he has ... putting my baby girl's first bike together. I love it.
We left there and tried Barnes and Noble. They close at 10PM! They are open later on the weekend ... so, where do you go from here? We decide to go back to my house. I made him hot chocolate. I love a man that loves hot chocolate like I do.
Mom was awake. I ran into the house and was like "Mom, he is coming in. Can you stay in your room?" hehe. She did. What a trooper mom I have!
We watched TV. We had another make out session. Mr Big Man is, holy crap, Mr Big Man is ... oh my word ... Mr Big Man is yummy. LOL. Just yummy. No sex. He has great self control. Mine is out the freaking window. With Mr P I was all about the stopping when it was going too far and not having any issues with my self control. With Mr Big Man I let go. I let go. Wow. I let go and he catches.
I begged again. Good Lord!
Dude I am such a whore with him! Not really but if feels like it. I did get a much better look this time and I am kind of scared of ever having sex with him.
Whatever. We are so gonna have fun making out. Oh! At the end I stood on the couch and I was STILL shorter than him.
I am thinking about him all the time.

boobie report

December 16th, 2008
Labs were in. Prolactin levels are "normal" and other tests came back fine. Per the DR get use to it.
Approx 2 weeks before the period they will grow due to an excess of hormones and when my period is over they will go back down. No reason to be alarmed and it is very common.
Crap, now I need to buy 2 sizes of bras. Isn't it odd it started when I am 30. Whomever I get to share the twins with will be happy. He will get 2 sets of boobies to play with.
I bet this goes along with the increased sex drive too. hmmmm
Can I share an example of how bad it is. ahem. I want to call out sick from work so I can masturbate. I think about sex EVERY.FREAKIN.MINUTE. It can be a tad overwhelming.
No joke.
Yes, the man will be very, very lucky.

Brown Chicken Brown Cow - yeah baby!

December 15th, 2008
Whoa! Did you think I was gonna write a porn? Ya, ya, maybe I would but not on here! Come on!
Mr Big Man. He got his name because he is tall, remember? He is 6'4. He calls his son Little Man so I thought calling Mr Big Man "Mr Big Man" was a perfect fit. He does know I have given him that nickname and why I did.
He picked me up at my Dad's in the big city. I was staying the weekend with my Dad. We did not go out until late so it did not seem like I left my daughter with a baby sitter. She was sleeping. He did meet my Grandma!! She said to me later "Darling Nikki, he is a tall drink of water!"
We went to Tanners Bar. I drank. When I drink I get "lovey". The last time I really drank I got knocked up.
That should give off warning bells in your head.
The bar was great. The band was great. Mr Big Man was great. He brought me back to my Dad's house. I did not let him lead this time. I took control. We made out in the car. HEHE. Oh my word how juvenile! Oh my word how fun! Needless to say, we have great chemistry. Oh the best part - the windows fogged up!! hahahahaha. I have never fogged up windows before! hehe. We were joking about a cop tapping the window and that would prompt Mr Big Man to say "Officer, I am 40, she is 30 and we both have kids. Please don't tell".
He also has incredible self control. Thank God! I was ... geez ... I am not proud to admit but I need to be honest here ... I was almost ... OK I need to be honest!! ... I might have, a tad bit, let slip that I was begging.
{Hanging my head in shame.}
There was no sex. He turned me down! I think at one point he said loudly "I AM NOT GAY!" I might have done some name calling? I dunno! I was drunk! That is totally my excuse for loosing it like that. There was touching as TERRA said "home base". I did tell him I found another solid reason to call him Mr Big Man. The name REALLY fits.
Side note here, Carrie made the slutty comment that I named him after a body part weeks ago. GASP. Well Carrie, you were wrong but now you can be right! And the comment is no longer slutty!
Oh the fun times. We are going out again this weekend. I am stoked! Yes, that came out of my mouth and I do not know why. That was the best 3rd date EVER!

Mr Builder VS Mr Big Man … Is Mr Hottie back?

December 12th, 2008
My date with Mr Builder was nice. We met at a fancy Italian restaurant at 5:30 on Wednesday. We stayed there the whole time. I had to leave at 7:15 to pick my daughter from her father's house. The conversation was easy. It flowed very well. There was a lot of sharing and a lot of laughter. We do not seem to have a lot in common with our hobbies but we can see each other's point of view.
There were no sparks. However I have such a good time with him I want to continue to see him. I gave HIM a kiss good-bye. For some reason I take the lead that way with him. After leaving, I called him and talked with him on the phone up until I pulled into the driveway at the X's house. Again conversation is so easy. He lives in the big city an hour from here. This was our 3rd date. First was in a town between us, second he took off of work for 3 HOURS to have a lunch date with me and then he came to my town on Wednesday.
My date with Mr Big Man was wonderful. We met at a Mexican joint on Thursday at 6:30 close to where I live. We left there to buy pet food at PetsMart! This idea came to us because we both needed pet food and thought it was a good idea to combine a quick errand in the date. After PetsMart we went to Barnes & Noble. There we had hot chocolate and dessert. Again the conversation was easy and he would say something and I was like "me TOO" or vice versa. Very odd how much we are alike. We do have major differences but they are complementary differences. He gave me several "side hugs" at Barnes. There are sparks between us. At the end of the date he pulled me to him and gave me the kiss. 3 of them mind you! I like it when the man takes control. I was happy and tempted to ask him to follow me to my house. I did not however. This our 2nd date. First was in his hometown, 30 minutes away. 3rd date is Saturday night.
Pros: Mr Builder: Goes out of his way to spend time with me. Has the free time to spend with me. Strong emotionally.
Pros: Mr Big Man: Sparks. A lot in common. Wonderful father. Giver. Told me he "said a prayer to the Big Man (that would be God, not him, hehe) that everything is OK with the boobies". Patient. Takes control of the physical stuff. Knows about some of my pink baggage w/ polka dots and it does not faze him. My sex drive sings to him.
Cons: Mr Builder: No sparks. Too healthy (runs 4 miles 5 days a week and goes to gym for several hours 5 days a week). No children. Touch nerdy!!! haha. Can not bring myself to tell him anything about any of my pink baggage with polka dots.
Cons: Mr Big Man: TALL 6'4, I feel like a midget. His X-wife was a doozy and she is bi-polar - for real, I am not going into detail but it is a con.
Equal: both are into me. Both do not live in my town. Both are easy to talk to. Both have great careers and have made sound business moves. Both divorced. Both would like children. Both 40. Both are close to their family & love their mothers. Neither controlling and very go with the flow-y.
Alright, so I joined Facebook. I found people. People are finding me. Mr Hottie found me. Invited me as a friend and then sent me an email telling me his girlfriend is not over her X and they are having issues with it. HMMMM.
So out of the 6 I am down to 2. That's my story. And I'm sticking to it.

growing boobies maybe a problem

December 10th, 2008
Curiosity got the best out of me & I called the OB/GYN. Why you ask?
Well my boobies are growing. They have since September. They will get really big (overflow the bra) and then go back to "normal". When they grow it feels like I am getting milk and they are very tender. The cycle seems to last 2-3 weeks and this is the 3rd trip if you will.
So, I called the Dr yesterday & talked to his nurses. They asked if I was able to express milk. Yes, I tried it last week or so. When was the last time you nursed? My daughter was weaned 1/07. Almost 2 years ago. Are you sexually active? AHHH. I am NOT preggers! If y'all recall Mr P had a vasectomy and we used condoms plus I have had 2 menstrual cycles since we ended. They talked to the DR and he wants labs ran. I could have a high level of prolactin.
What does that mean? The nurse said if it is in the high normal range, it's no big deal. I asked what if it is not. She said we will run labs to see where you are. She completely changed the subject and did not answer me! Maybe she did not know the answer or she did and did not want to freak me out.
Labs will be run on Friday. I need to wait 3 days after expressing milk. The funny thing is the milk was so little. So very little. Nothing to write home about. However there was milk.
Time to google.

I am only one woman

December 7th, 2008
I can't handle all these men. I cut two more. Now I am down to two. I feel better and I don't need to take notes anymore! Thank the Lord for I was screwing up royally! EEK.
I have met all the men in person except for The Professor. I had a lot of fun with him but I was pulled more towards the other men so he was an easy "drop".
The Navy Man was so funny and exciting. The bad? I think he has a major anger management problem. He was a rebel to his Superiors and was always complaining about work. Also it got to the point he would only talk about sex. Yes, that is a great topic but I need more. I will miss the funny emails he sends. Oh and the texts! Priceless. However I do not want an angry man. I am so over that!
So those two are gone.
Mr Builder and Mr Big Man are left.
I had dinner with my Ex Sister in Law one night, Melinda - I must say it is so cool we still talk for I really like her and feel we have a connection - and she really made a push for me to meet Mr Big Man. I had talked with him on the phone for three weeks but we were not able to meet in person yet. She opened my eyes this was a big mistake and I needed to met him pronto. You know, he could be a freak! He is 6'4!
I could be wasting a lot of time on him.
I called Mr Big Man and told him I was not going to talk to him on the phone anymore until we met. We met 4 days later. Due to making the date to see me I still talked to him on the phone every day. Plus, this man changed his custody schedule to see me! It was impressive. He likes me. Props to him for he is the only man that has had a kiss on the first date. He went for it and I was like "YA BABY!!!"
After the first date, I called Melinda and told her all about it. He did make me a little giddy.
I really like both but I feel I connect with Mr Big Man more. That may be because I talk to him often. Mr Builder has taken a lot of business trips lately.
I think it is a riot that all my friends at the Christmas party were badgering me about who I was dating. Melissa S wanted a full update on all the men. I believe I said "give me some time woman! I need to figure out who I like!" I was table hopping for I am such a social butterfly and telling the tables about my adventures. I love my circle of friends. I am so very lucky to have found them.
Oh and Krista ... I still want the present back you stole from me!!!

It's raining men!

November 17th, 2008
Oh my word! I have hit the jackpot. I said I was jumping into the dating world and I have! Cannon Ball style. Did you FEEL the splash?
There are men, men, men ... all into me and I am chatting with them like crazy. Yummy.
Right now I have narrowed it down to 6. YES, that is with a narrowed down list!!
I have Brian, Brian, Navy Man, The Professor, Mr Big Man and Mr Builder.
I have had LONG talks on the phone with Mr Big Man. We are talking hours here. Almost every night. There goes my sleep. I tell him my secrets. I am happy talking to him. Everything seems so relaxed and we get along fabulously. I met him on Plenty of Fish (POF). He is a project manager. The reason why I gave him this nickname is because he is TALL! 6'4 tall. I am 5'. Also he calls his son Little Man. I like this man but I don't know if we will "fit". hehe
I also email during the day and talk most evenings (before Mr Big Man's phone calls) to Navy Man. WOW. He flirts outrageously with me. The things he says! Shameful!! He is so damn funny. I am laughing almost the whole conversation. I also met him on POF. He is in the Navy - could you tell with the nickname?? I am so entertained with him. Before I even open his emails I am already laughing. They are just so funny.
The Professor. We have a lot in common. Everything is easy going. I do not talk to him much but he sends me very witty and fun emails. I met him on eHarmony and he is a Professor at a State College here. He loves that I read ... I love to read and I can tell I will learn so much for him.
Mr Builder coming along next. Whoa. This man is into me! He moves mountains to see me. He is an architect and I met him on eHarmony. He lives about 45 minutes from me. We also chat on email a lot.
And we have Brian and Brian. That is their name! Honestly with everything going on with Mr Big Man, The Professor, Navy Man and The Builder ... I have no more time. I want to get to know the Brians but I am only one person. So after this I will need to cut them loose. Write a Dear John letter. Hey! I will be down to 4.
I have dates lined up every free spot I can find. I have double booked dates on the same days - 1 in the morning and 1 in the evening. I have lunch dates. I am a dating whore!
Yes I take notes. Yes I forget what I said to one and not the other. Yes I say "was that you who told me ...". Yes I have been wrong! Yes they all know I am dating others.
So far everything is over the phone and email. I am worried about the chemistry. Hopefully I have something with one of them.
Dates start tomorrow!!!

game plan with dating

November 9th, 2008
I love game plans. I must be very goal oriented.
OK. The current status is I am still dealing with Mr P. I am not over him. I have been told by many to follow my gut. My gut tells me to believe him. In truth this makes me feel better about myself.
I wrote a long email last night to him. Yelling at him. Asking him what kind of person bails when life gets stressful. I just wrote it like I was talking to him. Lots of yelling. hehe. Regardless one line was "If it really is true and you can not cope at this time, then what I just did by sending you this email is the worst thing I could do to you." I did not send the email. It's sitting in my drafts.
I wrote it about 8PM last night. I felt so much better about everything. I got the last word in and "called him out" without him knowing. I am not going to wait for him but if he calls me or writes me I would have a talk with him regarding this and I would give him another chance.
Oh and Melissa S, thank you for being my text saver. I was able to send you such off the wall texts and you accepted them for what they were. Thank you so much.
I decided to renew my eHarmony account for another 3 months. It now ends the end of February. I also decided to sign up on Plenty of Fish - got that idea from a Single over 30s group on CafeMom. Within minutes I had emails & IM requests. I am not down with the IM but I said yes to one. It was a fun conversation and it cheered me up more.
I am going to go full force with dating others. I will contact everyone that meets my BASIC requirements (not to far away, has a job, wants kids, knows I have my daughter, non smoker, no drugs, NOT MARRIED) and run with it.
I may contact Mr P in December to see how he is. I feel this is what I should do. If he was honest I should give him another shot. I am figuring December because I know one major issue will be resolved by then. I set a tickler for that date so I will not be thinking about it daily. My gut tells me he was being honest. My gut is also telling me to get out there JUST IN CASE he was being honest but he is still broken.
GUT (I say to myself) please do not screw with me on this! I have a game plan and I am working on it. I like the fact I did a tickler so if I do meet someone and I am into them then I will not do anything about it. I will smile and say "Darling Nikki, thank your Gut". Either way, I think this is the right thing for me.
So I am off to surf Plenty of fish. Hmmm, you over there, how you are doing?

You say I am perfect?

November 8th, 2008

Mr P called me on Sunday night (2nd). Said I was beautiful, funny, kind, supportive, patient ... just perfect BUT something is wrong with him. Said he has been overworked before, has had problems with his X before, had other problems before but for some reason this time he can't cope. Said he has not been putting in effort at all towards me and that is not right. I deserve better. Again he does not know what is wrong with him but something is.
I said I have 2 questions. Are you seeing anyone else? No he says.
Are you still into me? He did not answer for a long time. I said well that is the answer you are not. He said no, that's it he is but again something is wrong with him. He is sorry. He does not want to hurt me. I am perfect. I am a wonderful person and he really likes me but something is wrong.
He said I can email him or call him. I asked why would I do that? He did not give a good answer. He said hopefully he will get out of this and maybe he would call me and we could get together again. Hopefully I will not be dating another. Hopefully he would not have lost his chance. Also said maybe I would tell him to get lost due to how he is reacting now. January is slower and he can breathe. Who knows what is going to happen. He does not want to hurt me.
I said I would drop off & disappear. I would not call him. If he missed me or wanted to start talking again he could contact me. I asked how come he could not say we just were not a match? He said he thought we were just something is wrong. How he is treating me is wrong and not like him. He is not acting like himself. This is not who is he ... something is wrong.
Again he talked about how wonderful I was and how well we got along and the chemistry was awesome and the sex was really really good. BUT something is wrong.
He brought up things from the past 2 months that I have told him. Hope your daughter stays well. Hope you get custody changed. Hope work slows down. Hope you parents are doing better .... Hope this hope that.
I said thank you, goodbye and I hung up on him.
I have never been dumped in such a nice way before. It still hurts.
I rounded up my girlfriends. Let myself have a pity party. Let myself over analyze everything. Let myself cry over what could have been. This will help me move on.
Thank you Sasha. Thank you Beth. My friends love me, pink baggage and all.

October 31st, 2008
Do you pay attention to words or actions?
This has been a roller coaster week. I have been walking on egg shells. I feel like I am with my X all over again. I do not like this.
Mr P calls me every day. He sees me every chance he can. We go to lunch often.
Correction, that was the case. It kinda stopped on Sunday (today is Friday).
I am itchin to see him but I am refusing to call. I know he is stressed but to do this is wrong. He has pushed me and pushed me to be on the same level with him and now this??
Alright, let's dance Mr P. Shoulders back, arms up, head straight ... this I thought.
On Tuesday he closed our match out on eHarmony. Why? I emailed him and he called me right away. Laughing. He thought it was funny. Said he did it on Sunday but I just now saw it. Said he was happy to talk to me. He misses me. He thinks about me. He can't wait to see me again. Oh how he misses me.
But he did not schedule a date. This is from a guy that REFUSED to let me leave him until I scheduled the next date.
His words are there but his actions say he is gone, gone, gone.
I had my wisdom teeth removed today. I look like I was hit with the ugly stick. I was hit several times.
But I feel wise now. I think I need to pay attention to the actions.

things I have learned about me this past month

October 17th, 2008
Yes, all this past month. Self discovery if you will.
1) I am a survivor
2) I am a planner
3) I am a natural salesmen
4) I bounce back quickly
5) I am attracted to powerful men
6) I still have great breasts!!!

Hands

October 16th, 2008
Mr P is obsessed with hands.
We were in bed and he was on top. Somehow ... I am not sure how ... he grabbed both my hands and pushed them out so I was in a cross like position. Then he entwined his fingers in mine. I have never had a man hold my hands during sex.
I said aloud "You can't do this, it's gonna make me want to keep you." He answered by kissing me. We were having sex, he was kissing me and he was holding my hands. Both of my hands.
Why does he do this to me?
This is like the shower. It's too intimate. He always makes me uncomfortable.
I have a secret. He is not giving it to me enough. We only go once a night. My sex drive is HUGE and he can only go once a night. It's starting to annoy me.
I know he is stressed at work and he is blaming that. I hope it is not always this way.
I guess this is my bitchy post? I need more sex and less intimacy? hehe

eenie meenie minie moe

October 14th, 2008
You should see my inbox.
Mr Hottie, Mr Hottie, Mr P, Mr Hottie, Mr Hottie, Mr Hottie, Mr P, Mr Hottie, Mr P, Mr P, Mr Hottie, Mr Hottie
It's nice to be wanted by 2 men. 2 Sexy men. 2 Sexy men that are powerful in their jobs. I have come to find I am attracted to powerful men. Not normally a good thing but with these 2 men they are not on power trips and are very down to earth.
Wait! I know what you are thinking. How did Mr Hottie get back in the picture? Well I am still on eHarmony and we were matched up!
It sickens me that I am doing this. I can not sleep with a man and talk with someone else. It's not fair to either. I want Mr P. I am so into him. I am not into what he said. Do you go off what they say or their actions?
Mr P calls me every day. He sounds super happy when he hears my voice. He sees me every chance he can. He emails me. He texts me. The passion. What he does to me.
I remember some things with Mr Hottie. I think we talked most nights. I liked him & I was attracted to him but I did not go for it because I was still emotional over my X. I was only away from him for 2 months or so when Mr Hottie came into the picture. I asked Mr Hottie why we stopped talking, he said he met someone else and became (you gotta love this word) EXCLUSIVE with her. He went that way for he spent more time with her but he did like me. He completed the eHarmony questions to my satisfaction and I bet I have 30 emails from him ... all in a 24 hour period.
I feel I am using Mr Hottie to feel better about Mr P's rejection of me. BUT HE DID NOT reject me. He still wants me. Just not exclusive.
Mr P is not into games. Hates them. Gets upset if he sees them being played ... that is the best way to describe it.
One of my best friends told me not to tell Mr P anything. Just let is slide. Don't sleep with him and come up with excuses why. Because if I do it will push him in a corner and he will run. I agree most men are this way. Not all but most. If I do not give it to him he will want me more and then want to become exclusive with me ... per her.
The word exclusive is a much better word then boyfriend / girlfriend.
He does not like games. Communication is key. I am still afraid to tell him for I do not want him to run.
What do I do?
I feel guilty as hell for talking to Mr Hottie. I do not want to continue either for I feel so bad. However I also desire to protect myself. It all comes down to 100% me and 50% from him ... not cool. Not cool at all.

in the shower

October 11th, 2008
What a doozie. I saw Mr P last night after the Passion Party. For my friends that were at the Passion Party - you got a laugh when I RAN out the door due to a text that his children were in bed and I could come over. Kinda desperate but HE did not see it. Only y'all. And yes, I heard the laughter when I was getting in my car! Thanks!!
He gets me all worked up.
Well I did find out we are not exclusive. I am only seeing him at this point.
Yes I am serious. Yes it is shady. Yes it upsets me. Sigh ... yes I still want him.
I am so into him.
After THAT talk, he asked me to get into the shower. I was turned away from him. He washed me. I have taken showers with men in the past but it was either all about sex or all about saving time and getting washed quickly. I have never had a man "give me a shower". It was intimate. It was more intimate than sex. Crazy huh? Why would I even think that? He was soaping my body & washing my hair (my BEAUTIFUL SEXY STRAIGHT HAIR) and I was thinking I was more exposed during this than sex. He was also silent unless I said something. So you only hear the water falling from the shower and you only feel his hands on you ... cleaning, stroking, caressing.
He did not even try anything. It was just about washing me. He knows what he is doing, doesn't he? Why is he doing this to me?
The best part ... I am being sarcastic here ... after the shower scene, he went to sleep. No joke. I did not get my sex. I did not get my sex! And I so wanted it! He was tired and stressed. Plus remember, he is old. hehe
And I am young!
I am so into him. I have become blind. The intimacy is too much.
I never had this before and it is scaring the crap out of me. I tell him to stop and he continues.
Yet he does not want to be my boyfriend at this time? WHAT?
I think I need to tell him we need to slow down and he needs to listen to me and do it. No more intimacy crap! Yes I love it but it is confusing me. Why would you do that when you do not want to be with them? Why???
I asked my friends ... I did not hear good things back.
The major theme ... do not let on how you feel ... the guy will run ... they are like wild animals and scare easily. Take a s-l-o-w step at a time. Quietly. Shhhh.

Carried me to bed

October 7th, 2008
So. Ya. Hmm.
We finally decided to have sex. Interesting that we talked about it and did not let it happen. During our make out sessions I have always been able to stop when it got too hot and heavy. Now that I am ready to take the plunge I wanted him to know I would not stop it.
In fact I kinda demanded it.
Damn sex drive.
Speaking of sex drive ... my boobs are growing! They are getting really full and I swear they are going up a whole cup size! I will brag here and say Mr P tells me often that I have beautiful breasts. I LOVE that!
Oh, get back on track here.
So, we decided for Thursday. Thursday was no go for Mother Nature showed up. I was so pissed!!! We still got together and made out but had to stop. Grrrr.
He came over again on Saturday and it was hell. He was happy but not me. How can a man get off so quickly??? I mean it was like touch and come! Jiffy Lube quick! Grrrr.
When he left we decided on Friday (10th of October).
He called me last night (Sunday) & said he switched his nights w/ his kids due to work. The event w/ work was canceled so he had the night kid free. He was going to watch Football w/ friends. Monday night football! So macho. It was something he has not done forever since he has his kids on Mon nights. I flirted & said he could come over instead. We laughed about it but nothing was decided. He said he would talk to me later. He was going out with his friends.
30 min of torture. This was pacing back & forth up & down the hall. Over & over. Do I call him back? Do I not call? I want to see him. He has not been able to see football w/ friends in a long time. I do not want to seem desperate. I do not want to seem needy. He should have his friend time. I need to call Sasha and see what she says. Ring, ring, ring ... voice mail. Damn it Sasha! Where are you?? I need girlfriend support!
Take a deep breath. Hold it. Pace some more!
I want to see him. Do I call? Ok, call, press send .... WAIT hang up. Oh my GAWD, what do I do???? Do I call him back? Did it ring on his end? No, don't call. Just wait til Friday. More pacing. More jumping up and down. More ugly faces made. Geez, I want to see him. STOP being desperate!!! Ok, do I call?
I called. I was 100% nervous. He makes me nervous! I said I was serious about the offer & he could come over. He asked "what does that mean?" I said "you can come over." He said "what for?" I said "me." He said that sounds like a good idea. I felt relief.
He was still going to watch the game & come over after my daughter is asleep. I said 9:00.
He showed up at 9:00. I was giddy. We watched football for a bit. I made fun of him for he was TUNED into the TV and not paying attention to me. Oh hello!!! You are gonna get laid for the first time and you watch FOOTBALL?? Funny typical male, huh? After 5 mins or so he kissed me. 2 mins later he carried me to bed with passionate kissing. Can you say GOOSEBUMPS? My arms were around his neck. My legs were wrapped around his waist. We were kissing all the way down the hall.
So. Ya. Finally. So when can we go at it again? Now? No? WHY NOT? Get it up again! I wanna go again! No? Damn, tomorrow? Maybe? Definitely Friday.
Hmmm. He is a keeper for now.
He better improve on getting it up again.

This boy is all I think about

October 01, 2008
He is officially named Mr P.
Oh my word people!
We have so much chemistry. The passion. I love this lust stage. hehe. He is the "Mr Perfect". Some of you got this stupid email I sent a few months ago about my Mr Perfect this and Mr Perfect that ... and ... oh my ... oh my word ... he is better than that. Now I understand Mr P is not perfect. He is going to have flaws and issues but I have not found them yet.
Wait, there might be one. At my house last night I found out he put in false information on eHarmony about his DOB. He is 41. Turning 42 in December. I am 30. I set my age limit to 10 years so if he would have put his real age, we would never have matched. It does feel odd to desire a man 11 years older. Do I ever desire this man, oh my!
We see each other 3 times a week in the evenings and so far once a week at lunch. He calls me every day. Sometimes more than once. We email often now. We get along. We play. I can't get him out of my head.
I am not in love with him. There is just so much chemistry! I am pulled towards him. I have tried to pull away and slow down. I have TRIED! The chemistry will not let me. He will not let me.
What is up with that anyways? He keeps pushing me closer to the intimacy too. It is different than sex, it is intimacy. I think a big chunk my my wall has crumbled. It's been hit with a sledge hammer. I can't hold back anymore. Nor do I want to.
Wish me luck. This will be the best or the stupidest thing I have ever done since I became a mother.

And then he kissed me ...

September 15th, 2008

Date #2
I went to his house late. 10 PM. We did this because I have my daughter weekend 1 and he has his children weekend 2. We are not matched up on our child free weekends. His children were in bed asleep.
He lives in a McMansion. No joke.
He took me out to his deck and we sat outside for approx 30 mins. We talked. It was very easy to talk to him. Found out we had a lot more in common. Found out he likes a woman to cook. I said "It was nice to meet you. Good-bye!". He thought that was funny. People, I am not a cook! I did mention the Once a Month Cooking club I am in and he was "looking forward to it". He also said I could buy dinner and act like I cooked it. Isn't that sweet? hehe
On the deck he told me I HAD to see the closet in his bedroom. I laughed and said "All my friends said you were gonna try to get me into your bedroom!" He was offended (joking) and said I could close my eyes as we walked to the closet. We both laughed at that.
We came into the house and he turned me just so. He gave me a kiss. Ohh! A kiss!! It was very nice. However it did make me uncomfortable for I was use to the 1st kiss being at the end of the 2nd date. Not at the beginning. Plus you know, I was awful chaste up to this point with the other men I have dated.
We looked at the closet. Ya, it's big. I've seen bigger.
I told him that. The look on his face was priceless. Was he expecting me to ohh and awe over his closet? I think he was.
We sat on the couch and watched the movie 21. It's about blackjack. He wanted to hold my hand then he wanted to hold both my hands. We had to sit right next to each other. OK - HERE IS THE DEAL ... I need that when I am in a relationship. I need the touching. I need the affection ... he was giving this to me. In a relationship I would be so damn happy. Now, I was uncomfortable again. I told him this. He was moving too fast. This is the 2nd date and I am not use to that speed. He understood and asked if he should stop holding my hand. The funny thing is I said no for I did enjoy it. It felt so good! He was massaging my hands. And honestly I was feeling a little hot & bothered ... IN THE GOOD WAY!
Moving along ... at one point I was really into the movie. It's a great movie! I hear from him, LOUD & sounding a little shocked and in awe "My GOD YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!". Ahh, thank you! Talk about tinglies going up and down your spine. We were going back and forth at one time and he asked me if I was "always full of shit". I said most of the time. He said great for he found that very attractive.
He was ornery. He was funny. He was flirty. He was making me want to jump him. hehe. I didn't. There were many sweet kisses.
At the end - about 1 AM, I told him I had to leave for I was really tired. He said OK and then I had to stay until I agreed to another date. He also said he had a lot of fun and he really liked me and was looking forward to seeing me again. I said next weekend. He said that was too far away. We agreed on a lunch date too.
He kissed me good-bye at my car. Due to all the kisses inside it felt so normal and natural. Hey, maybe I should start kissing at the beginning of the 2nd date.
He called me today (Monday) at work to set up the day of lunch. On the phone he said again he had a lot of fun. He was being flirty again.
So he likes me. Can you tell? I can tell. It makes me giddy. It makes me happy. However I feel the touchy feely is a little to fast. Don't get me wrong, I love it!! But not so soon. I need to make sure he understands he needs to slow that part down. I look forward to seeing him again.
2 dates week 1, 2 dates week 2. This is moving right along, isn't it? We will either be over real soon or getting married in 3 months. hehe.

Easy in and out

September 12th, 2008

We meet for lunch. I was very nervous. I hate 1st dates! Thank God it is a lunch date. Easy in and out if it does not go well.
I see him standing at the entrance. I said his name. He nodded and smiled. I was so nervous I smiled back and walked right in. Let's just hurry up and sit down please!
I did notice he is not ugly. He is a decent looking man. He looks better in person.
We sit down and right off the bat he is joking with me, playing, laughing. It was great. I felt better but still nervous. I laughed a lot. I did feel at one time he was trying to "correct" my spirit. I am not sure how to explain it. We have a 10 year age gap and I guess at that moment I saw the age gap ...
He carried himself with confidence - which I find very sexy. He answered my serious questions the way I need them to be answered for me to continue seeing him. That is definitely in his favor. He was very flirty. He was into me. He asked me lots of questions. I found out he is very happy in his life. Loves his job, loves his current life but wants someone to share it with.
So far we agree on dating rules (IE not seeing each others children unless we feel there is something there) and that children come first. Very nice.
He did tell me he has gone on several dates (well I think it was 3) with eHarmony ladies and he has not asked anyone of the others out on a 2nd date. Truth? Don't know but I will believe it for now.
He asked me out on a 2nd date. Sat night. I told him I had to check my calendar. I would call and let him know. He called me later in the day to see if I could come. I said yes. We are going to his house. I get to see the McMansion. HEHE. THE HOUSE PEOPLE!! The house. Ya, the house. Oh gosh, am I feeling inferior again? But on the phone call today he said he had a really good time and was "very pleasantly surprised". Go me! I feel better again!
I need to come up with a name for him. My first name is Mr McMansion but that sounds like I am money hungry and I am not. Need to keep thinking on this.